Another good day with only a tiny amount of backsliding.
(bad bit first) This morning I remembered that H owed me some money. He promised to give it me last week but only gave me part of it..So I started thinking maybe he'd spent it. I started to feel anxious and angry and almost pounced on him when he walked through the door. We chatted for a while and I asked him about the money. He told me that he had some unexpected bills and other people he had to pay and had used the money for that. I must admit to feeling very cross that he had put other people before me again. It is always the same. I know he is not the best money manager; I know I allow him to be sloppy with his finances by lending him money. So I am angry at myself as well as him. I was and still am to some extent cross that he feels he should pay other people money before me. So anyway he has agreed to pay me by the end of the month. I don't know why I let it stress me as he has *always* been the same. I am conserned that the childrens maintenece will not be paid regularly and that will cause us problems. H feels his money situation is getting better. From what I can see it is worse than it has ever been. He has never been so much in debt. I feel like it is partly my problem...somehow.
H has asked me not to get so fretful and anxious about money.
Anyway, managed to pull back from that and have a nice day. He came over to take the boys out / do stuff together when he got a phonecall from his friend asking for some help to remove a fridge. H agreed so this kind of delayed plans for an hour. On a possitive note he did take one of the boys with him. They were also given a hamster cage which is something S has been longing for, for a while now so that was cool.
I always feel he puts other people before me. This is an insecurity on my part; I know that but am not sure how to get past feeling hurt when he does this.
The rest of the day went well. The guys all went out and I did some jobs I had to do, when they came home (late) I didn't grumble ( I was expecting them to be late somehow!!)In the evening we all played games together; there was lots of laughter and banter going on. It was a good evening. When the boys had gone to bed H and I snugled up on the sofa untill he dropped to sleep. It was a lovely evening.
I would really like to work on these feelings of aniety and hurt that I experience when it appears that H puts other people before me. I am like a jelous child. Has anyone got any ideas of things that I could do to stop acting this way?
Hi Pink, I can tell you what worked for me. I GAL'ed big time. I began having a "life". I no longer "appeared" like I was sitting around waiting for my H. I began meeting girlfriends for dinner/drinks. (Didn't do this too much before, 'cause I was always concerned about H.) I started doing many things for myself. I had two very close girlfriends that I would shop with. I (pretty much) bought a whole new wardrobe. They helped me move into another direction. I guess, I could've been considered a very conservative dresser (previously). I got a new haircut .. oh yes and some very daring (for me!) streaks in my hair. I began .. just not being as available as I always had been previously. I "found" places to go. For example, I would take a ride to the local bookstore and sit there for a couple hours with a cappucino and peruse many books. Use your imagination .. start "doing" for you! As hard as it is to imagine .. doing some of the things that you like .. for "you" .. it helps with your outlook. That in turn reflects to others .. (your H?)
My thoughts .. about why our H's take us for granted so much, is because they know we are always going to be there! It took some time (maybe six months or so) but my H started changing his "taking for granted" tactics .. and he didn't even know it! (Still doesn't!!)
I know that this approach does not work for everyone. Like I said .. I just thought I would let you know what worked for me.
I am a bit slow on the gal technique I have made a start though. I have invested in some new clothes. Some stuff I wouldn't normally wear, closer fitting and more fashionable. They make me feel so good and I think tha makes a difference to how I behave somehow.
I am reading lots of selp help books and although I *keep* backsliding...they occasions are fewr and further between. I am more aware of what I am doing and recovering quicker from them.
I am also starting to ask for what I want realising that H is not a mind reader
I do need to do stuff away from the house...but there never seems to be th time.... must work on that. Time management etc.
Sunday H turned up to take us all out for Sunday lunch.Now, this may not seem like much to most people but in the 14 or so years we have been married we have never been out to Sunday Lunch. In fact we have only eaten out together a handfull of times. (if that) It is not that we can't afford it, just that .. erm, dunno why just something we've never done. H really enjoyed it, so did the boys and they would all love to do it again.
In the afternoon we went to town and then to H flat to take his shopping over and stop off for a drink. It was only the second time I've been there so that was interesting. (could do with a hoover and a tidy up.. NO I didn't offer. )
In the evening I had to take the boys swimming which they enjoyed.
H phoned me at 9pm to remind me that something I wanted to wach on the TV was coming on soon and to thanks me for a lovely day.
He's really trying hard - bless him.
I am thinking some about the anxiety I have written about. The stress and stuff and wondering if it could be occuring when I feel my love tank is running low? For example at the moment my love tank is full to overflow. In this stage I tend to do lots of things to make H happy. He is happy for me to do so and allows me to carry on. It is almost like I get to a stage where I panick and think 'I am doing too much, he isn't doing enough' and I have this huge burst of anxiety and shut down towards him...Just thinking aloud here but don't know if anyone reading can offer any input here?
Worth thinking about - I shall have to try to keep an eye on the guage to see if I can do stuff to prevent the love tank becoming too low and prevent this situation occuring.
Just wanted to post a couple of possitives that I have achieved over the last couple of days. Monday H turned up and did something that made me feel upset and uneasy..(what is it about us and Mondays?) Someone had sent him a min porn picture to his phone and he showed me. I was upset about it. I'm not into that kind of thing, nor is he normally, he just thought it was funny and thought he would share it. Instead of getting moody and sulking, I chatted a little about the differences of the sexes; how guys find that kind of thing fun but women often don't. I explaned that I feel for the people in these films. I see them as people being hurt and degraded etc. We also talked about ow different we are as people anyway. He loves slapstick humour where people fall over and stuff like that, It makes him laugh. I can't bear to watch stuff like that either. It was a good chat and I think, I hope that it didn't put him off sharing stuff with me. Nothing was said in a hostile was. We were sitting very close on the chair. it felt ok. The rest of the evening was fun. We played games with the boys and cuddled up.
I think I did well. Initially I was thinking what kind of a person would send you this? Why are you looking at it? what can you see here that is funny..etc etc...but I managed to bite my tongue. In a strange way I felt very empowered. It wasn't as if I was being dishonest bout the way I felt, but choosing to show my feelings in a more appropriate way.
Secondly, he phoned last night to tell me he had been invited to London for the weekend and was unsure whether to go or not. Normally I would have made the decision for him. Either yes you need to go because ....or you can't really afford it etc...this time I just listened and validated. He asked how I felt I said I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with you, but if you choose to go I will still have good weekend. (I have armed myself with a list of things I would like to do when he is not around; kind of like something to fall back on so that if he does decide to do something at the last moment I am not left high and dry.)
So, thats me, Pretty proud of myself for these two little baby steps. I'm getting there!!
Hiya Pink - Sorry I'm late to the party, though I'm utterly delighted you are here in Piecing. Like Bets, I think you belong here
Well done on the positives - and even sweeter that you were able to observe your change of response patterns. And yes, it is so empowering to be able to filter and respond in the way we choose, instead of feeling obliged to 'let it all hang out'
Its strange I was just thinking about you this morning, wondering where you'd got to and remembering that I need to thank you for something you said a while back...
You mentioned to me a while back that it sounded like my H love language could be physical touch. I remember thinking it could be ...but he's not all that cuddly a person so, anyway over the last couple of weeks I have been testing this hunch of yours out. Sitting on the arm of his chair occasionally, touching him as I pass...small stuff. I didn't think he'd even notice, in fact just lately it's not something I've deliberatly set out to do it's just become quite a natural thing .. Well he has noticed, twice during the last week he has told me that I am so nice and cuddly lately, tonight as he was leaving he said you are so scrumptious lately I just can't get enough of you. I never want to go back to the flat... Not only that but he's opening up in lots of ways talking more, being more affectionate without being sexual and finding pleasure in doing things together as a family. He enjoyed Sunday lunch together so much last week that he has invited us out again this week.
It's not all plain sailing though, I almost have an ulcer on my lip where I have bitten it so many times to stop myself being sarcastic.. but I can definatly see an improvement in the way he behaves. He is so much nicer to be around...probably I am too.
How are things with you? Look forward to catching up with you soon. Pink
Invited H round for dinner last night. he phoned to say he was going to pop into the pub for a quick drink. I said Ok but was seriously disapointed. We had this situ a while back when he did this, he promised not to do it again....Ok so he was only an hour at the pub but I had planned to have wine with dinner and play games with the boys, ask him to put them to bed whilst I cooked. a real family time and he went and spoiled it..I mentioned it afterwards that he said he wouldn't go to the pub before coming over and he said he forgot...I should have reminded him! What am I his mum?
I dunno kind of makes me wonder why I bother asking him over for dinner. He had sunday evening and Monday evening to go to the pub...and he did so why couldn't he give it a miss on tuesday? I wonder if he is doing it to get attention
The weird thing is he texted me yesterday morning prior to saying he was going to the pub to tell me that he didn't think he was doing enough for 'us' and would try to do more; he also said that he missed me.
I don't know why I let it stress me as he has *always* been the same. I am conserned that the childrens maintenece will not be paid regularly and that will cause us problems. H feels his money situation is getting better. From what I can see it is worse than it has ever been. He has never been so much in debt. I feel like it is partly my problem...somehow.
They were also given a hamster cage which is something S has been longing for, for a while now so that was cool.
I have made a start though. I have invested in some new clothes. Some stuff I wouldn't normally wear, closer fitting and more fashionable. They make me feel so good and I think tha makes a difference to how I behave somehow. 
NO I didn't offer. )
