I know exactly where you are coming from. I also went from having perfect credit for 20 some years, to having to file bankruptcy last month. My STBX gets to carry on with perfect creidt while mine has been ruined. All because we had so much debt and it was split by the courts and I was not able to pay my share. Keep in mind that my Stbx makes over $100,000.00 yearly and I was a stay at home mom. Now I am struggling and wondering where I will be getting the money to support kids, yes, I have some support from him but not enough to maintain our house, ins. teenagers etc. He is living with dear ol' mum, no rent, no bills except his car, and he gets to go golfing and wineing and dining his OW. It just isn't fair and he couldn't care less. He said he would pay for me to file bankruptcy, but when it can time to pay, he said he didn't have the money. Although at various times last year I would find large sums of cash he had hidden. I wish I had taken my share right then and there, but I never thought I would be in this position. I need to find a job that pays well, but I don't see that happening as I have no skills. H will be able to buy a house, new car and anything else that requires good credit, and I won't be able to do that for years to come.
Sorry to hear that you had a rough weekend...
I could relate to you as far as feeling a bit "blue" with the mediation being on Monday... You mentioned that it seems to make it more "real"... Although lately I find that I am beginning to accept my divorce more... The day my divorce papers appeared in the mail stating I will be "officially" divorced as of December 7th-- broke my heart all over again. There is no turning back now. Being forced to read my marriage ending on a piece of paper made it very real and brought out a great deal of sadness for me. However, I am slowly starting to change my loving feelings towards my STBX in such a way that I no longer love him as a husband, but simply as someone who once was a VERY important person and part of my life.
Perhaps you are experiencing a similar feeling with the mediation appointment on Monday... As you mentioned: "to put into writing what your life has been reduced to" and "it seems to make it more real"--- Although you did not expect to feel "blue", I can tell you that we all know too well the feeling of disappointment that this process leaves us with. But, I see such strength in you... It just sucks that you have to be strong in this type of situation. I received some very good advice from a friend of mine when I was dealing with the divorce paperwork (and feeling overwhelmed and sad)... He told me to think of the mediation process as you getting to find out exactly where you stand-- use it as a plus... Information- that is all it is. Try not to dwell on it. It is part of a crappy process, not an intense examination of the true you.
Meaningless is what it is. Do not let the process you know is coming bring you down... (Those words helped me, as I hope they may help you as well)...
You shared it is not the loss of your H really that has you feeling "blue"... You did mention that the "loss of a dream, of faith in undying love, of everything you worked towards, and what your life has been so drastically changed to" has you feeling this way. I feel exactly the same way. S_H... There is no doubt that divorce is a traumatic event. It has undermined my sense of who I am, my belief about my safety and security, and my understanding about love, family, relationship, commitment, and certainty. As I go back to the day of my wedding, my beliefs about marriage was that marriage is forever and my marriage vows were sacred. I grew up imagining a future in which I would be married to one person forever.... That I would be honored and bound by my marital vows and that I would live a life that was "happpily ever after"... The impact of having to let go of those images has caused me to become frightened and confused.
Although you did not expect this "blue" feeling... You are right- here it is... It is normal to feel anxious or even frightened right now. IMO, this is part of the growth process. Be gentle with yourself... Remind yourself that you are a courageous woman who is claiming her right to live a full, fantastic, and meaningful life!
S_H... you are SO right... you are NOT a victim.
I am so glad that I am getting over being a victim. Yes, my STBX did not treat very well towards the end of our marriage, but I refuse to become a victim. I am a grown woman with plenty to offer, and while this has been REALLY difficult, I know that I will get through this, and I will not sit around complaining and whining about how his behavior "makes" me feel anymore.
S_H... I hope that you can continue to be happy with the strong, courageous woman you have become! I have complete faith in a happy future for you...
Thinking of you... -Kim
You've already had a lot of great advice here, and I know you are such a strong lady, but let me just say what you are feeling is so normal - I think we've all been there.
I mourn my marriage, but I also mourn the future I thought I would have. My life, no matter how wonderful it turns out, is going to be drastically different from what I thought it would be. Divorce takes a huge toll - emotionally, financially, spiritually - and there is no way to avoid it.
You are doing great, you know that. And you just had a very emotional time with your grandma (I hope she is doing well), and you have another one coming up with the mediation. Just expect the tears will come sometimes, no matter how much we have let go and decided our marriages are over - the tears will still come. Work things out one step at a time, and you will get it all figured out. Just don't expect too much of yourself!
Hang in there, sweetie. I agree with BB...these guys do find you irresistable!
Quote: There is no doubt that divorce is a traumatic event. It has undermined my sense of who I am, my belief about my safety and security, and my understanding about love, family, relationship, commitment, and certainty. As I go back to the day of my wedding, my beliefs about marriage was that marriage is forever and my marriage vows were sacred. I grew up imagining a future in which I would be married to one person forever.... That I would be honored and bound by my marital vows
exactly what I feel. I do mourn the loss of my husband though, he kept me warm at night among other things.
Thank you guys for your support and encouragement and understanding. What I love about this board is that it is so amazing to truly have someone who understands.
I am feeling so much more even keeled now. And I've got my game face ready. I used to have the whole DB face in acting as if, but this time I will have the DB face, but will be looking to be strong and to go after my own best interest. I'm not good with confrontations and I hope this doesn't become one. I know my options though, and I will do the best with what I have.
And ya know what? Bankruptcy or not, however I decide to go, I can and will re-establish my credit, just like I am with my life.
And now tomorrow I will be really saying goodbye to an era. To my M, to H. It may not be the official D tomorrow, but it is in my mind just as if it were. I am saying goodbye, and that's ok. I know I will feel a little sad when I look at H and see all the things I have loved about him, yet this is the right thing for me to do and I know it in my heart. Tomorrow is a day I am taking to do what is in Dana's best interest. I'm putting myself and my needs on the list! And that is a good thing.
I love you guys. If I waiver, I am going to imagine you all holding my hand.
Just thought I'd update you guys on how it all went yesterday. I'm still processing it all and it has left me feeling confused.
H was very cooperative and loving to me throughout. We even held hands during the mediation and we hugged several times. The mediator mentioned he was surprised we were getting D'd as we still loved eachother.
H agreed to make montly payments of $200/month starting in Jan. towards the debt in my name. The stickler of it is that as I am to apply that towards our debt (of course) I wouldn't be allowed to bankrupt on that debt. And the real prob. with that is that although H has every intention of paying that money, I have to be realistic and I know I wont see it consistently and prob. will not see much of it. So in reality, I am promising to take on that entire debt myself. And maybe on occasion he'd throw a little my way. It would take him 5 years to pay me back. Knowing that he isn't even paying his truck payments in full/on time etc., I know that it would be the same with me.
The debt doesn't seem high enough to bankrupt, but on the other hand, my credit is really poor from this and it wouldn't be much worse if I bankrupted. The other issue is that if paying all this debt myself, I will struggle to be able to leave this job and go to school next year. I'm not completely decided what to do. My family, my friends, the lawyers are all telling me to bankrupt and start over. They say that I will then be able to save my money and move and go to school next year, and that by the time I am done with school, I will have re-established enough credit to buy a house etc. No, not with a perfect credit score, but I don't have that now any way. It's a really tough decision because I dont want to bankrupt. At the same time, I do want to be able to go to school and really build back my life and it's going to be so hard to do that if I don't.
H agreed to sell his truck. This would mean he'd have to quit his job and he would find a job and walk to work, or bus it. I know it's what he deserves, but when he agreed to this, I started to cry. Because I know that for him it is a matter of pride, and for him to give this up is a sign of caring for me and I feel sad thinking of how he is going to struggle. I told him I am sorry he has to sell his truck and I feel sad about it. But I know that he is the one that isn't making the payments and it isn't my fault, yet I still feel bad about it.
H told me yesterday that he wasn't sure we should do this D. That he knew it had been a year though, and that he knew I had to go on. H said he regretted how escalated this got, said he needed space and I didn't give him space, and he went to OW's and he didn't mean for it all to start. He said he wasn't justifying it and that he knew he didn't make the right choices. He told me he misses me and sits and stares at the computer screen wanting to write me. He said he will always love me and that nothing anyone can say will ever make him stop loving me.
I told H that the reason we couldn't start over was because at some point I needed him to fight for me, and he never did. I felt very conflicted and confused. And I could feel that I do still have love for him beneath it all. I love his heart and soul and the good in him, and there is a lot of good. I just haven't allowed myself to think about that stuff because it makes me hurt too much and miss him too much. I wasn't detached yesterday and I cried a lot. I do miss him and the person whom I loved and had as a part of my life for so long.
So I came home and was so conflicted and confused yesterday and most of today. But reality is kicking back in. H can be all these wonderful things I know are there, but he also is someone who completely doesn't have his life together and though he knows there are issues, he's just beginning to realize that. And regret and talk is not the same as action in any sense.
I know in my heart that in my own best interest, I need to keep walking away. That to do otherwise is to set myself up for years of his irresponsible behavior in daily life, and now also, to me in personal life. So no matter how sweet he is, no matter how tender-hearted he can be, his actions are those of a man that is not good for me to invest any more into and I cannot let myself do it.
I really really hate to do it, but to really re-establish and chase the dreams I have, my best bet is to finsih the D and do bankruptcy and just start over from scratch.
You've got a lot on your plate. Thank gawd I've seen how strong you can be or I might be really worried for you given all you're dealing with. Being strong doesn't make it easier, though, or any less of a hassle.
I also remember that you've got a lot of good going on in your life and part of the reason you're dealing with this bad stuff is so you can keep marching toward where you wanna be. You'll get there and you'll have fun on the way, too.
I'm glad you haven't turned your heart off to H. You're dealing with him from love even though it makes you sad sometimes. But you have enough love in your heart for him and all of us and at least one more guy sometime, I'll bet!
Enjoy your holiday!!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Dana, I hope you are feeling peace with this now. I know it was a hard day for you, and the holidays only make you feel it a bit more. I don't have the answers, but I do understand.
Quote: because at some point I needed him to fight for me, and he never did. I felt very conflicted and confused. And I could feel that I do still have love for him beneath it all. I love his heart and soul and the good in him, and there is a lot of good. I just haven't allowed myself to think about that stuff because it makes me hurt too much and miss him too much.
I know you still love him, sweetie. That's what makes you special - you don't stop loving just because someone wasn't good to you. You might decide you can't be with him now, and that's OK, but you still honor the love you had.
And I used those exact same words to my H at one point- "I needed you to fight for me and you didn't". So I know what you mean by that.
Now, I know you, and you'll be back here stronger and more ready than ever for your wonderful future. Have a good Thanksgiving, rest and be good to yourself!
