I guess I'm feeling that we are really done and maybe I should shift to surviving. Since this OM is someone I am familiar with, I know he and my X share alot of things in common with each other regarding their interests. The type things she enjoys but never got many opportunities to do while married to me because I did not care for them.
I now feel I'm in a race that I have no chance of winning!
XW informs me this morning that OM is looking at moving in with her. Now I have to deal with the potential impact on my son. Should I say anything to her about this?
Been awhile since I have been around. My son and I moved about 300 miles from my ex almost 3 weeks ago. A lot of adjustments are having to be made starting over in a new place.
I received a call from ex on Friday night at 130am. She was very emotional and stated that she had screwed up. She stated she wanted her family back. She would do anything to get me to forgive her. I listened carefully as she was almost uncontollably distraught. After she caught her breath and calmed down, I started asking some questions.....
Why are you calling me now? She said she has been thinking about it for a while, that is why she was so upset when she learned I was doing online dating. I asked if she had a fight with her BF. She said no but that they do bicker constantly. She said things were not working out between them and she had decided they should not live together. She saw him just as a friend. I said it seems to be an intimate friendship. She said if you mean sex....yes we have but definately nothing to brag about.
I asked if she was certain that missing our son was the purpose of the call. She said she did not know. She still feels like she does not possess feelings for me like a wife should for a husband but she should have worked harder at saving our marriage.
I validated those comments and told her that before I would ever consider reconcilliation she would have to want ME back. She would have to feel she is missing me. She would need to discontinue this friendship with the OM and lastly she would need to work on herself. I acknowledged that I was not the perfect husband but I realized that much of this was her journey. She mistakened that all of her unhappiness was my fault and temporarily covered it up by entering into another relationship. It was apparent that it was and is much more and that she needed to find out what she needed to become emotionally healthy again.
I told her that I could not let her just move back in. I would consider "dating" to see how things go but I knew that the person she was in the final two years of our marriage was not someone I would be interested in.
Well.....that was the jest of the conversation. Driven exclusively by the reality that her son is now 300 miles away? I question if this call would have ever been made if she had custody.
First of all -- thanks for posting! Far too often it seems that by the time a sitch turns around, the LBS has left and we never get to hear how it turns out.
"Anyone want to add perspective?"
Not sure that I can add perspective, but based upon what I have seen your W could very well have "woken up." I would certainly proceed with caution (as you appear to be doing).
I know all to well about wondering which "person" you are dealing with. Shouldn't be too difficult for you to figure out though. Please let us know once you do!!! We all would like to believe that the person we once knew and loved will be back someday, but it sure seems unlikely at times...
Certainly her son being 300 miles away and you dating could have brought on her awakening. As they say, crisis in, crisis out. The main ingredient is time, however.
I doubt that the 300 miles away or even you dating would have had such an effect 9 months ago...
Good for you. I think you stood up for yourself very well. I agree wholeheartedly that she needs to come back for YOU. If she still states that she, "doesn't have those feelings that a wife should have", then keep her at arms length. If you were dating someone and they wanted to live with you/be married to you, etc, wouldn't you expect that, at the very least, they love you? She needs the time to examine herself and what she said. The more elusive you are, the more she'll consider working on herself to get you back. It worked for you didn't it? Give this some time. It came on so suddenly that it could be temporary insanity. She'll work this through and get a better feeling of what she truly wants.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thank you for the responses. I was plugging along and had really dismissed any ideas of getting back together months ago. The PMA was strong, having fun dating again etc....Now this re-opened some wounds. Although a scratch compared to a year ago.
I think temporary insanity is the culprit. Now to get back to that plugging along.....
We speak often as I give her updates on son's school activities etc....I have not questioned or brought up in any way the conversation regarding how she feels.
I thought it would be better to continue as I was and if she truly is having second thoughts and for the right reasons....she will let me know. I dismissed her actions as simply nothing more than withdrawals from our son.
I would be interested in the opinions of others if this is the best method to use.
