Are these baby steps? Not sure

[HSSweetheart]

M-39
H- 40, living w/father nearby
D-5
S-9
Separated 90 days (6/28/05)

Didn't see H much this weekend and I was getting a little annoyed. He is over every day afterschol w/kids exc Fri's I am home. Fri he did not come over at all or say he wasn't coming. I was annoyed and around 9 had D-5 call him. When I got on the phone he was obviously drinking and partying. A sore subject with me. I gave him an attitude indirectly, but he knew it. Sat I called him-he was still at work in the early afternoon. Said it was beautiful out, lets do something. He didn't show up until 5 pm and then said he was leaving at 9 to go to a bar. 2 nights in a row now. Sun he came over just to pack his equipment as he had band practice. He made a smart comment when he got out, something about what's up with the happy family. Annoyed me. I made dinner assuming he wouldn't be here. Something I need to do more. He showed up at 5:30 and ate. He was quiet and fell asleep while eating. Later he went to his truck and I thought he was leaving so I yelled outside that he wasn't even going to say goodbye? He was just getting equipment out it turns out.

Gave D-5 a bath and got a phone call. Something that is a sore subject w/me, getting calls on his cell when he is home. He is eating up our minutes greatly unnecessarily. He also goes outside whenever he gets a call so I cannot hear the call. I knew who it was and could tell they were drinking. Makes me paranoid and I ended up telling him so. I asked if anything was the matter and he said no. So after that he went out again. But actually left. I called his cell and asked again why he left w/out saying anything. He said he was getting beer. I said tell me its none of my business but don't lie to me. He said he'd be back.

When he came back he asked what was the matter. I told him it didn't matter. We ended up having a long conversation in which he actually cried! He hugged me. Turns out the friend that called accused him of having an affair with his wife and he went over to calm him down. This is the same woman I had accused him of spending too much time with, but I didn't believe the affair was physical. He was just confiding in her instead of me and I felt she was overstepping her bounds in many ways for a long time. Apparently her husband felt the same way. I told my H that obviously this confirmed what I had been saying all along, it wasn't just me.

He didn't sleep over as I thought he would as it was after 12. But he did start getting intimate with me but abruptly stopped and got up to leave. These are two things that show me he is still distant. Oh, he did tell me that the fight we had which I can't recall on Xmas eve is when he decided to leave. I had been saying that he changed since Jan. He did also say that he never liked himself and still doesn't. I said we are all critical of ourselves.

I'm not sure where I should proceed. Feels like baby steps but the pattern is that the day afterwards he goes back to the same behavior and does not mention the incident at all. He did open up and cry which is the first emotion I have seen from him. I hugged him and we cried together. Maybe he is opening up to me? I opened up and when he said except for then I had been good I said it was because I only break down when he isn't around, I am a mess. Was that wrong? I felt I could be honest and let my walls down. We'll see if it backfires I guess.

[dogma]

Greetings,

I am totally and completely confused. Are you separated or not? Why are you worrying about where he is going? Or when he is coming over? Or making dinner for him?

You need to STOP NOW worrying over his actions, behaviors, thoughts, plans, etc. You are making the situation and ANY hope of reviving a relationship impossible right now, with your behavior.

I hear a tremendous amount of anger in your post. This is to be expected, but you are transfering it to him.

You need to take all of your negative energy and turn it into something else. Focus on you and your son.

Exercise, run, walk, get out of the house, do something different.

But right now, you are making it difficult for him and yourself. Stop fighting the situation. He is going to make decisions on his own and this you cannot control. But if you continue to push against him, you will make his decisions easier.

The M did not fall apart overnight, it will take a very long time to revive it, if this is what you want. You need to decide, then look for ways to make improvements to your behavior and your actions and your reactions.

[HSSweetheart]

Yes, obviously we are separated. I have not been focusing on him, it was just a bad day for him. He usually makes dinner every night for me and the kids, on Fridays it is my turn. I don't care if he goes out but he should be polite enough to say if he is not coming I feel. I am tired of answering the kids questions about his coming or not when I do not know. I did transfer my anger to him, something I don't do often. But I am human and that did annoy me. I have been good other than that. Our 17th anniversary is coming up and I have been stressing a little about it.