OK, I am slow at getting around to this, but, as an LD wife I would like to add my reply.
IF I initiate, 2 out of 3 times, H can't do the follow through. Also, it's hard to initiate when I am alseep when H comes to bed, and asleep when he gets up, too!
Out of curiosity why are you asleep when he comes to bed. Is it due to a work shift of his (like my H's occasionally) or that you go to bed earlier than he does?
Also, if he gets up earlier than you .... is it would it be unreasonable for you to surprise him one morning, set your alarm clock for an hour before he normally gets up (yes this will mean you lose some sleep) and wake him up by initiating? Doing something like that makes the HD person feel special/loved/desired/wanted etc.
I know it would be inconvenient for you to have to do that, but a simple act of going out of your way like that could mean an awful lot to your H.
Also, out of curiosity...why can't your H do the follow-through 2-3 times? Does he have ED?
OG_Lou,I'm from Malta.The sad thing is that I was still in the process of getting an adjustment of status so I don't have a green card,which means I cannot work so I can't pay for college.I can't even get a driver's licence
I admit I relied on H a little too much during the time I was here,but I thought marriage was forever and I still respect the vows that I made.He had always said he was not above counselling if things got rocky,so when he expressed to me his unhappiness,even though I tried my best to please him,I didn't think it was that bad.
Before I found this website and the DR book,I had no clue what I was doing wrong and how to fix it.Now that I finally know,H doesn't believe I'm changed.He says it's too little too late and he won't give counselling or DR a try.He just wants to get rid of me as soon as he can.
I was thinking of suggesting he read the chapter about sex in DR,as a friend,tell him he might find some answers there.I'll make it clear that I am not doing this to make him change his mind,that I know how hurt he is because of my lack of sexual desire,but that maybe he could use the info for any future relationship.
Wow, you're from Malta? That's cool...my XH and I were there back in 92' :-) So, you and Robert Palmer...those are the only two people I know from Malta
H sleeps less than I do. He does go to work earlier, and gets off earlier, too; but not so much that our schedules are out of whack.
I would not get him up any earlier than his usual 5:15- if I valued my safety! He gets so little sleep as it is, that I don't want to decrease it even more.
He only fails the follow through if he doesn't initiate. I know it isn't ED. My opinion is it's the macho thing- a man goes after a woman. Or, he claims to be too tired if I initiate at the normal time I would go to sleep.
For clarity, I go to bed between 9-10, and get up at 6:40. He goes to bed between 11-12, (That's not to say he hasn't fallen asleep in his chair at some point, and likely waked himself up a couple times before he shoves off to bed.)and gets up at 5:15.
I'm sure that some of our imbalances stem from his sleep patterns, and the fact that he is a snorer, loud breather, and seems to have leg tremors at night sometimes. Yes, I have suggested he get these things checked out by a Dr., but, as in all other health issues, he ignores my suggestions.
Ok I have a clearer pic now. My H also snores (to wake the dead) at times and the other things you mentioned (minues leg tremors. But one steadfast rule we have is that we go to bed at the same time.
Occasionally one of us has to move to the couch to sleep soundly, but we always (ALWAYS) start off together in bed. As you know there is absolutlely no chance of you two getting physical with you in separate rooms. Also, the way you phrased this ("I would not get him up any earlier than his usual 5:15- if I valued my safety!") makes me think....he isn't going to bed early enough anyway for him to get enough sleep if waking him up a bit early for some nookie would make him cranky. Perhaps he's a nightowl, I am naturally...and certainly used to be prior to my R w/my H. Now though, we head to bed at the same time ALWAYS...sure sometimes one of us stays awake and watches tv every now and then, which is fine....but at least we have the opportunity to snuggle, and snuggling can lead to other things.
I really encourage you to try to instill a time for you two to go to bed together. Perhaps you could compromise and make it around 10:30, that way you aren't staying up too late, and he won't feel he's having to go to bed extremely early either.
