Had a good weekend (until last night) we had a BBQ for MIL's 70th birthday and I cooked lots of new stuff and H gave me several compliments...even said maybe I shouldn't go back to work, not seriuosly though!
But last night he was watching his show and I was watching my in the bedroom, I came out on a commercial and he said the D7's stomach hurt. Now this happens frequently but goes away really quick. I commented that she does this all the time and he got pissed and said she was in tears to which I commented sure, but offer her cookies or cake and she would be fine. He told me to shut-up and that really got me pissed so I said something to the fact that she does this all the time and he said she didn't want anything except you and you go fly off the handle. I commented as I was walking away that I didn't fly off the handle but I could and slammed the bedroom door.
Were fine now, he came to bed a bit later trying to be "mad" overexagerrating so I would think he is funny. I am still bitter that he told me to shut-up because I think it is disrespectful. Sometimes I think he is trying to make me feel like a bad mom but it is really just my own mind feeling guilty and like I am a bad mom...ughh!
I know this was bad dbing on my part...sometimes, in the moment, it is just hard to think in DB terms...
Well, after almost 4 months of not working I started working on Tuesday. (I am substitute teaching for now, hoping to get a permanent position) Well, it is hard to get used to and boy was I tired and crabby, especially after day one. I am subbing middle school (6-8) and talk about some disrespectful, rude kids...not all of them of course but enough to make it very difficult to teach. That together with the fact that I'm a sub and Friday is the end of the grading period makes it quite a challenge. But the subject is great! (career ed) I didn't even know they had it in middle school, perfect for me considering my background.
Yesterday, a teacher from one of the other middle schools visited the class, trying to gather info for the district. She just happens to teach at the school S10 will go to next year about 5 minutes from my house. I mentioned to her that I want a permanent position and I would prefer that school. Anyway, we got to talking and she mentioned that they are making some changes and will have 2 classrooms next year for this and we talked about our backgrounds and realized we are on the same path. She gave me the principles name and told me when I finished where I was to pop in and she would definitely recommend I sub for her and at her school which will get my name and face out there when it's time to hire! I'm very excited about where this may lead!
On the other hand, back to balancing work, family and R. It is difficult, the good thing is that I get home between 4:30 and 4:45 (2-2.5 hours earlier than I used to) so I have time to spend with the kids...but man I'm tired and I have to make sure I don't let our sex life lapse and I was kind of avoiding it this week! I'm sure I will get used to it. Now, I have to figure out a workout schedule...I haven't gone all week!
Quote: am subbing middle school (6-8) and talk about some disrespectful, rude kids...not all of them of course but enough to make it very difficult to teach.
yeah, being a sub for that age group must be really tough. Just something to bear in mind, though - I've been shocked at how intolerant and inflexible the middle school teachers were with my kids (and we have a GOOD school).
Honestly, reacting to them with rigidness and ill-humour just keeps the spiral going downward. The teachers they loved the most were the ones who were truly entertaining, made their objectives very clear, and had kindness behind their firmness. The ones they hated were the ones who were confusing, wrote assignments on the board at the end of class so they didn't have time to copy them, were arbitrary and negative, wouldn't admit a mistake if a child corrected them (talk about losing all credibility!), didn't allow wiggly boys to wiggle a little, criticized them in front of other students, etc.
Not saying YOU would do any of these things, just trying to point out the things that make middle school torturous for a lot of kids. (And mine are good kids, smart, one has mild ADD ).
Also - lots of teachers don't seem to realize - this generation does not really read cursive! I can't tell you the number of times my kids have said they didn't know what the comments the teacher wrote on their paper meant, because they couldn't read it! It might as well be Greek!
Quote: Honestly, reacting to them with rigidness and ill-humour just keeps the spiral going downward.
It is a tough line to draw...if you give them too much "freedom" to start it's hard to take it away. It is easier to start tough and give them more. The class I was subbing was an elective at the end of the grading period...after 5 days I felt like I got to the point where I had control and then they changed me to a different classroom. Which is fine since I am a sub but I was planning on being in the other class all week and already had my plans. It made me feel better when several students in the first class saw me and said "Mrs. Unsure, you're not subbing for us? Please come sub for us." Even when I told the second group of students I was not going to be there next week some of them were disappointed. I'm just not sure if it was because I was too easy...
They moved me to a "program for special learners" class and wanted me to consider a long-term position. Basically it is a drop out prevention class, smaller classes...they are not supposed to be learning disabled or behaviorial but some definitely are. That was a challenge...I had 3 groups of students 2 periods each (for language arts and social studies). Talk about a challenge, I had no lesson plans, no idea where they are and of course being a sub they certainly like to challenge me. The principal told me to just "wing it" they just need somebody who cares. I gave them 4th grade work and most struggled. There are kids who really care and want to learn but the ones who don't and are constantly disruptive make it hard...
Anyway, Friday, the principal came in to tell me the teacher resigned and she would be posting the position and wanted me to apply!?!?!?!?! I'm torn...it certainly isn't the path I wanted to go and the subjuects aren't my strong points. I do think they need somebody who cares but they also need to learn and honestly, with the 7th grade it would probably take at least a month to get the behavior under control and of 18 students only 3 or 4 really try, 5 or 6 didn't even attempt to do the work.
I really want to do career or business ed....that is what I'm certified for. I think if I did get this position it would suck me dry...also, I know that the 5 or 6 kids I could make a difference for wouldn't be enough for me...I would be kicking myself that I didn't do my job and help more...
I have time to think, I am not working this week because I have other plans and I'm leaving to go visit my Dad on Saturday so I won't be back until the 26th so I have time to figure out what I'm doing...
On a R note I am having a hard time not "reacting" to H's moods...last night after a fun day on the boat he got all pissy with me because when I ordered food for delivery they didn't ask how we were paying for it and expected cash at the door...we didn't have cash and they only take credit cards when the order is placed. Now, we have ordered from this place before and paid with credit but he was all pissy with me because I didn't tell them when I ordered that we would be paying with a card. I should have just said sorry...but instead I get pissy with him too. Later he was trying to be "cute" but I had to drag it out and ignore him...ughh!
So H is out of town for 4 days...I'm not stressed about it though...6 months ago I certainly would be! Moving forward...
One thing that my H can't stand (and really, me either) is my negativity. I have been working (maybe slacking some) on not being negative. But....lately I feel that he perceives so many things I say as negative when I simply see them as opinion
For example, we invited his brother and girlfriend over for dinner last night and were talking about our anniversary (we got married by the JOP and 10 months later had a "real" wedding) he said I try to get two anniversaries when I reminded him that "we haven't celebrated any...okay we went to dinner once...oh yeah we had one weekend get away" he said we went to see Titanic one year which I reminded him was for his b-day... anyway, we started talking about the Titanic, which he really wanted to see and liked, I said that it was a good movie but there was so much hype that I expected much more and if we would have seen it when it first came out I think I would have thought differently...and from that he says "your so negative."
So help me out here...is that really negative??? I have started to feel like I should just say everything is great otherwise I will be considered negative...any suggestions?
Hey, Unsure...I finally caught up with you. Things have been pretty hectic in my life and I am now an X. I did what I said I would do; however, because I believe it to be true. Because of the law it doesn't matter..only one person has to want a divorce and it is granted. When the judge asked me if I felt the marriage was irreconciliable, I responded for the record, "No, your honor. I do not feel our marriage is irreconciliable. However, our law states if one person wants a divorce the other must acquiesce. I acquiesce." Then he asked XH and he said, yes he thought the marriage was irreconciliable....divorce granted!
I'm not sure what it was with XH but he often thought any differing opinion I might have meant I was being negative or just saying it to be adversary. That was not the case but he often told me, "You can't possibly think that." Or, "You can't possibly feel that way." I'm not sure why not...but I suppose if I had the option of trying to reconcile the relationship there would probably be times it just wouldn't be worth the debate....although I do love a good debate. Sometimes, I do form an opinion based just on being the devil's advocate and taking the other side but I think someone can easily tell when I'm arguing in jest.
I guess it goes back to ... pick our battles. Does this happen all the time? Or, is it just when he feels very strongly about something? Are you feelings about it strong enough that you want to pursue that you do indeed feel the way you feel?
Those questions may not help you find an answer at all but ... I hope they give you food for thought.
Thanks for checking in on me Kitty, I know you are having a hard time right now.
I guess it isn't really about the movie or my day or anything in particular, more about the fact that I feel if I express my feelings and/or opinions (which I do often) he will always see it as negative...yet he can express his opinions and not consider it to be negative. Even when I was talking about considering a long-term sub position giving reasons why I didn't want to do it and the reasons I would...he said I was negative...ughh!!
I've also become very emotional lately regarding things I have never been too emotional about before...crying when I'm reading books or watching tv...I was sitting here and started to think that maybe that is my way of releasing my emotions (sadness) since I don't feel like I can "cry" if I'm sad about my M.
I was laying in bed last night with my arm around H thinking to myself that this isn't who I thought I was marrying...ok, initially it started because his belly is quite a bit bigger than it was, but hey, who's isn't...but it was really about who we were 10 years ago, and people change, circumstances change and we adapt...
It's been a while since I posted. Not too much too report...not too much has changed for better or worse really.
I spent 4 days visiting my dad in CO..it was nice to see snow again after 15 years! I felt like I needed a break from both H and kids! I feel like H and I are snapping at each other quite a bit lately...
H did say to me the other night that I have been really bitchy and snapping at him a lot lately. I said yeah, I know, I'm not really sure why but I'm sorry and I'll try to stop. So, I am going to work on that because I know he's right...although I'm not sure he hasn't been the same way with me.
I decided not to work the day I got back from CO and really just sat around doing nothing most of the day, (playing games on the computer ). He asked me that night what I did and I told him nothing really, messed around on the computer and wasted my time...I didn't want to tell him that I played games all day because he can't stand when I do. Anyway, he asked what I did online I said checked email payed bills. Well he asked like 3 times and I couldn't figure out why he kept asking. Well finally he asked if I did some snooping??? Which I haven't in a while (okay an occassional check of the cookies!) Turns out he went online to an adult site (I'm ok with it because the profile is as a couple and it's not a secret) and when he went to put in the id it pulled up a list of a bunch of his old id's and thought I was checking up on him! I told him I hadn't done that in months, which is true and asked him if he was pissed because he thought I was snooping? He said no, that after what he did he expects it...like he was saying I know I f'ed up and I don't blame you for not trusting me.
Of course the only thing I really want to know is what the contact with ff/ow is...I am very confident that he is not IMing her but that he probably still has some email contact with her and I of course wonder if he still has those nasty pics of her...YUCK!!! I try not to worry about it but I still think about it way more than I should. Way too much when we are having sex...I'm sure that's a big part of why I feel like we are not connecting sexually. One day I might just ask him to open his hotmail and let me read it...but honestly I probably won't: 1) I'm afraid of what's there and 2)I'm afraind of him not showing me...so I figure I have a 66% chance of not liking the results and why do that to myself!
Soooo...Christmas is coming and I send cards (usually a picture of the kids) to all of our friends and family...I have always sent a card to ff/ow, even last year when I knew they had had some sort of cyber affair. I would love some opinions...of course in light of what has happened I really have no intention on sending her a card but...I know she is on the address list and I always ask H who he wants to send a card to...I'm tempted to send one and sign it "Still together and happier than ever!" But, I know I shouldn't for 2 reasons: 1) I should let it go and know that I am a better person than she will ever be and 2)there is a chance that her and H are still emailing and she would say something about it...not that it really matters because he wouldn't say anything to me...
Coming upon the stressful holidays and hoping we can maintain w/o fighting. We are struggling financially right now (we have $$ in savings if we get in a bind but we of course don't want to use it) I am only subbing and work is very slow for him right now and it is getting kind of tight. Soooo...add that stress to the normal stresses this time of year and it could get ugly. I am aware of it so hopefully I will be able to control it.
We did have a pretty good Thanksgiving, we had dinner at our house and than went camping on Friday and had a blast. Although I apparently embarrassed and humiliated H...I didn't mean to of course and personally think he is being to sensitive. Here's what happened: H always goes to bed/falls asleep early (8:30-9) and for whatever reason somebody made a bet who would go to bed first, me or H. I kept making comments about it being past his bedtime and there was no way he was going to win and he's always in bed early. I really didn't think much about it, it was all in fun (or I thought). Well tonight he tells me that I always have to emabarrass him and that I kept beating it into the ground and that's personal. I probably didn't do a very good job validating him (ok so I thought he was being ridiculous and was caught off guard) but I did apologize and tell him that I didn't mean to embarrass and humiliate him, but now he is being a jerk and basically won't accept my apology. So, I'm a little tweaked...especially since this happened Friday night and he didn't really say anything to me until tonight...although now that I think about it he did make a couple of comments Saturday that he had to go to be because he couldn't take my badgering anymore. OK, so I do feel bad but at the same time he needs to get over it....
I also had a long talk w/my BIL on Saturday (H's sister's husband) which kind of stirred up some ugly feelings...apparently he at one point thought that my H might have had a girlfriend. This was before he moved out but I guess H had made a comment or two to him that he thought were odd. He said that he doesn't know, and his gut says that he didn't but it did get my mind thinking again and of course have still not heard a "real" I love you. My BIL is a really good guy and he has some struggles with SIL...it was interesting to see how much a brother and sister can be so much alike even after years of living apart!
Anyway, off to bed. I will try one more time to apologize to H tomorrow but he better stop being such a jerk about it!
and we talked about our backgrounds and realized we are on the same path. She gave me the principles name and told me when I finished where I was to pop in and she would definitely recommend I sub for her and at her school which will get my name and face out there when it's time to hire! I'm very excited about where this may lead! 
