huh, had an email from H that he'd found out monster didnt go to Georgia with her new guy, she'd "set home on her little vacation", he guesses there's trouble in paradise but maybe not and he doesnt care. He's guessing she called in sick because she spent the night with her guy.
I can't help but be bugged, if he doesnt care, why does he mention it? Yet, still, as I've said before I sure don't want him to STOP talking.
His emails seem really short today, but I know he's said he has like 60 paperwork updates to get done this month.
Anythoughts on what I should do with the smoking letter????
Send him the dirty note, if you think he'll like it. Don't do it because you think that you need to prove anything, do it because you love him and think sexy about him.
As far as the monster - he cares. I don't know why, but he does. Can't you both change job locations? It would really help your marriage. I'd also be more agressive towards monster - actually, I'd probably have physically smacked her or something, I couldn't hold it together like you have. But don't back down, let her know that you have the upper hand by the way you carry yourself. Park next to her. Put something your H has given you in the window. Show some cleavage. Brush past her on your way somewhere, treat her like the trash she is, but in a classy way.
Hi dfb...yeah, I will send him the note, but I'm thinking I may not do it today. He is kind of irritable right now, I emailed him asking how he knew about monsters vacation and he emailed back asking why so many questions, and saying he talks to the other nurse (who has been a friend and coworker for like 15/16 years) when monster is gone and she is a fountain of info. Said he was stressed with all the paper work. so, guess I poked the bear when I should have let it sleep. Now, I'll back off a bit and I think either mail the note or leave it where he'll find it at home...
Yeah, you're right, I know he still has twinges or he wouldnt be so "odd" about "trouble in paradise"....sigh. I cant' change job locations, I can be on the road and out of the office quite a bit, but I still have to see her. H is still in line to be full time in the out of town office, but that will probably be in March. so a while to go, and he will still have to have some contact with her as long as they both work here. bleh.
I have to say, I'm able to handle the monster encounters better than I used to be. they used to make me ill, crazed, quaking. now they just fill me with disgust and disdain and I'm able to look her right in the eye. and she looks away. I believe I will start looking for opportunities to park next to her. I could go back to trying to get my little stuffed "hot stuff" devil to stand up on the dash! I would like to strangle her......
I did write the letter out of love, not just because he would like it, although I sure hope it might have a positive effect.
Guess I'll have to put on my "as if" hat tonight since H has turned so stressed and cranky...however, he usually comes out of this pretty quickly. my fingers are crossed this time will be the same.
If those kinds of letters are REALLY not your style, perhaps you should try subtle first? Just drop in a hint or two, rather than full on stuff, which he may be startled by, you know? You can always turn up the heat as time goes on and he seems to be responding well!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LivenLearn... these letter REALLY are not my style! I havent given it to him yet, but I did tell him I'd written him a letter, and he asked if I was going to put it in his lunch, said the male coworker he usually has lunch with would tease him over a mushy letter, I told him it wasnt mushy and the guy would be jealous...he didnt say much. I did tell him in an email this morning it was a "hot" one the likes of which I've never written before...havent had a reply. We'll see. It will keep, and maybe a little flirting will be good. Doesnt hurt these days.
Yesterday afternoon I was out of the office after 3; this morning I found H had sent this email while I was gone:
Quote: You know she really is a pathetic, even tragic character. I’ve thought a lot about it. She is always looking for the perfect mate, yet no one is perfect and as she discovers this she gets angry and tries to make them so and only runs off people in the process. She never sees that it is her viewpoint versus the way the world really is and so she keeps looking with the same results. She is incredibly weird, like her sister and lacks a lot of social skills, like an ability to apologize, she just won’t no matter what. She is more interested in winning than preserving relationships. The future for such a person is bleak, but one can surely see that life with such a person would be hell!! I am so glad she is off hunting someone else, I feel such a sense of peace and I’d never want to go back to the hell of where I was. Please, just relax and think about it!! Your D I love only you, and the kids and Sid and Jake, and the rest of the animals, that’s it! D
this means a lot to me, very very comforting and reassuring. (Sid and Jake are the dogs)
oh, ouch, I'm not sure how I feel. I gave the naughty letter to H last night. Guess he liked it, initiated ml for the first time in quite a while on Wednesdays. He said it wasnt all that "nasty" though...
this morning he said it was more like PG. Maybe so, but for me it was a big change! Then he said it wasnt anything like the ones monster could dash off in a heartbeat, but that she wrote the same ones to every one....told him that was a difference, I'd never done anything like it in my life. He said I'd never seen the cybersex sites done with webcams...he's absolutely right....I havent. Said how wild they were. and of course I know monster was big on them. sheesh. THAT explains how/why our computer at home is screwed up, I'm guessing he had her set it up thinking I wouldnt figure out how to get onto it. Well, I did, but havent been on it for I bet a year, I just don't want to be around it. I'm sure if I had looked around, I'd have had some shocking revelations.
I don't know, it just kind of sucks, I don't want to hear this, Told him I didnt want to hear it and that he was getting me po'd. I guess what i'm "pondering" is why the heck did he even tell me this?????? teasing, out of spite, or just "clueless"? he seemed really noncommital and unemotional when he was saying it, almost like he was recounting an event to an uninvolved party.
On another front, I am so stressed right now. We have to move D and SIL this weekend, besides all that work and having them in our house, they are having one heck of a time with the property managment company they have been leasing from. The company has done lots of illegal things the whole time they've lived there, and now are really giving them the run around and screwing them over. I told them 2 months ago to get an attorney. well, they finally put in a call to one yesterday. havent gotten to talk to any one yet. 2 days before they leave. Kids. detach, detach, detach, detach, detach, detach, detach
Oh yeah, H said the other nurse told him that the HR director and her supervisor are meeting with monster regularly again. Commented he's going to try to find out what thats all about. which I suppose means he'll ask her.
I just commented that the HR director doesnt meet regularly with a person as standard procedure, which H said he knew. Detach more!!!!!
I don't know, maybe all this is in the 2 steps forward, 1 back category. I know H is really stress about this weekend and the kids moving in as well,so maybe that's part of it. In fact when he got home from work last night he was just plain mad. At least the PG rated letter got him on a different track from that.
I'm not sure what I do now, keep detaching and being somewhat provacative, less predictable, or at least trying to, I guess.
I haven't posted in a while, but I have been keeping up on your situation and I just want to say that I think you are doing absolutely awesome!
I know I am way different than you, in that I wouldn't have been able to "listen" to my H talk about OW so much. I think that he has been using you to "talk to" about all of this. He (obviously) needed this .. for a time, don't you think? But .. do you think that the time has come that you finally put a stop to all talk about monster? I couldn't say why your H is revealing so much to you .. he can't really think that you want to hear this? I realize that you feel that you are walking a fine line with the balancing act that you are in with your H .. currently. I wonder if you might just come out and ask him if he thinks that you want to hear/need to know about all that he is telling you? If so, you could say that I just want you to know that is NOT the case. Tell him that YOU are done with monster and you don't want/need to hear any more about her.
I know that you are now in (kind-of) the worry mode about your daughter and son-in-law temporarily moving in. If there really is nothing that can be done about this, then I guess that everyone will just have to make the best out of this potential bad situation. Of course, it will probably be up to YOU (once again) to stay on that high road and continually show your H and son the good things that happen because of your D and SIL living with you. While moving in .. keep telling your daughter how great it is that that she is with you again. I know I don't have to tell you .. Act "as if" and you WILL eventually feel this. If your feeling closed in .. with no privacy during this time, maybe it will be a good time to get your H to go out more with you? You'll have a "built-in" babysitter for your son ..
Just some of my thoughts. As I said above .. you are doing great! Keep on keeping on!!
He sounds really still preoccupied with her (gee, you think)? I am not sure why, but he's obviously not over her. She sounds like a terrible person, I can't think of what the attraction would be.
Good luck with everything. As far as hard-core porn sites, I've wandered on by accident - often they are very close to normal website addresses. IMHO, they are disgusting and you don't want to be emulating them. I am sure I've not come close to seeing the worst. Don't do things that aren't comfortable to you. Maybe Monster does really gross things as far as writing and other stuff, but don't do it because she does!
I agree, he's just too interested in what OW is doing, and just too jealous sounding when he talks about her other R's. Hopefully this will all just fade in time, but I think it was pretty darned insensitive of him to compare your letter to hers!!!!
It does take a while, though, for that fantasy to fade. In the meantime - I think the key to getting through this is to A) continue to work on 180s and personal growth, be that fun and interesting partner, keep to your workouts and diet, and B) paradoxically, start thinking about putting yourself in a position where you would be in good shape even if he left.
I say paradoxically because usually, we shouldn't look where we don't want to go (just like riding a motorcycle). But it seems to me - if your finances were all in order in such a way that you would be fine financially if he went off the deep end again, if you felt really fit and attractive and secure that you could attract new love into your life, if you had a life full of friends and activities - that you would be less frightened about whether he does or doesn't stay. And you would be more attractive to him, and he'd be more likely to stay.
