Hi Ellie, Well from what we can tell they were all prescribed by the same Doctor--which just amazes me. I don't know what stage she is in--if she knows she is addicted and is in denial-- or is she has no clue--but the mood swings are there and she is able to play a good show at her place of employment, but when she gets around my brother and nephews, the true colors come out! She has acted "odd" for several years--which for quite awhile we (the family) weren't sure why--figured "oh they are having marital probs and she just doesn't want to be around the family"--probably partly true--but guess when you are so reliant on those drugs, you don't want to be around anyone who may "call your bluff"? With all the experience I have with ex-H and his drug problem (13 years ago)--you'd think I'd be more savvy on this--but I am still so naive!
Anyway, brother is on a school retreat with his S12 in the Santa Cruz mtns and is having a blast--he has called me twice to report on a wonderful, relaxing "escape". I am very happy for him that he can get this "down time" and just reflect. In talking to other "dad's" on the trip, he is finding that not many people know of his sitch, which he thought for sure the soon to be EX would have said something--apparantly not. But he is finding out how many others have problems and how many others are "trying to make it work"--so he does not feel so alone or so "to blame". I am so proud of him and how he is handling things--and very happy that I can be here for him.
As for the drug sitch--my brother is thinking about consulting an attorney who specializes in mal-practice (who also has a medical degree)--to see if there is grounds here to file a suit against her Doctor and see where that leads...I wish I had the answers and could predict the future for him--but can't! Oh well-- off to bed I go! 6am Spin class to teach!
I stumbled across your thread just today but noticed similarities between your brother's sitch and my own. My WAW also suffers from fibromyalgia and migraines. Long story there but certainly her desperation born from dealing with her pain has played a role in her walking away. She's also been on a mix of several prescriptions and many OTC supplements. She was on a Duragesic patch (strong narcotic) for pain for quite a while but decided to go off it cold turkey a couple of weeks ago (another long story).
What is brother's W's level of general pain? Does she have anything in her background (abuse, neglect, etc) that might indicate she doesn't have a healthy system for coping with emotional troubles? Is her doctor a pain specialist or a GP?
I'm a little concerned with the idea of looking at a malpractice suit, because it makes me wonder if maybe your brother minimizes her pain sometimes? It's SO easy to do, especially when you see the mental/emotional component. But it just makes the sufferer crazy. I've had a lot better results with W since the bomb dropped and I started strictly validating her and the pain she's in rather than offering solutions or explaining how a different outlook might make her feel better.
Your brother's in a tough spot and I sympathize entirely. And congratulations on the upswing in your own life!
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Pam - I'm not sure what legal standing your brother would have to file a malpractice suit if W doesn't agree - that's one for the attorneys. He might try going to Al-Anon - it's for the spouses of alcoholics and addicts, might give him some insight into how to deal with her. (BTW, I'm assuming she's had lots of prescriptions for this stuff, not just a small continuing amount or an occasional prescription, right?).
HI Burgbud- Thanks for your reply. My brother is not the most computer literate person and does not have the time to get online - plus he is still on dial up!
Anyway, so I am the DB surrogate for him and his sitch! AT the moment brother's W's pain is and I will directly quote a reply from her to me: "After a lot of trial and error I am blessed to really have my fibro management in line. It's been quite a ride! Hope all is well with you and Bill..." So of course it is "in line" cuz she is taking all those meds! Her reply was in response to an email I had sent to her about a friend that just got through doing a 4 year trial program for a new drug for chronic pain--I suggested that it may be a good solution for her.
As for things in SIL's background-- oh boy-here is the can of worms: Her mom committed suicide at the age of 39--by prescription drugs. Her older sister died at the age of 39-after alcohol abuse to the point of no return-she basically ended things on her own with illegal drugs. SIL was married at a young age--I think in part to escape and to be "taken care of". Well her ex was an alcoholic and she did her share of drinking and drugs too. She has been on a straight and narrow path for close to 20 years..but in the past 8 years or so has found herself "spiritually"- and reads the bible 1-2 hours each morning, etc. IMHO, gone a bit overboard in that respect--this has also brought on a "better than" attitude on her behalf and that you are not a good Christian unless you do this, etc.- and has put my brother down for not being a bible reader like herself, etc. I don't think she does have coping skills- I think she has run away from her past over and over again--and has even said to my brother when he has brought up "their good times in the marriage"--her reply, "I don't look back, I only look forward".
We are not sure the complete circumstances about her mother's suicide--but it was after she has walked away from her husband--so it is really hard not to see the similarities and history repeating itself--or the potential for that to happen....
Has my brother minimized her pain--in the past, probably so. He is pretty much the kind of guy that rarely takes an aspirin (much like myself)--, so it is hard for him to understand that type of pain. But according to her, seems like her current pain is "managed" or "in line".
Her doctor is a neurologist--not sure if that is appropriate or not for her conditions?!?
Ellie- you ask if the meds were just recent--she has been on a myriad of drugs for at least 10 years..after the youngest was born it all started with Thyroid problems, migraines, post-partum depression..so she was seaking help for all this..somewhere along the line they diagnosed her with the fibro (at least 5 years ago)--and tried various meds over the years-- most of what she currently takes now has been in effect for 3 years or so..also about the same amount of time that she has lived outside of the master bedroom.
Over the years--many financial issues--basically she would spend it faster than my brother could make it-- and he has his own business, is very successful - she got used to living high on the hog--and when business slumped she did not know how to curb her spending--actually "god provides" was her motto--The night she moved into the back bedroom was after a financial fight about "where is all the money going" and she could not answer my brother on this one.. now 3 years later after she has moved out my brother is seeing all the junk, crap, useless items she has purchased over the years... finances were a big issue along with lack of communication or poor communication at the very best. This past week, my brother discovered that she transferred money from his personal account into hers...also used an ATM card for a furniture purchase that he has specifically given her a check for...so she basically got double the money. He has since closed those accounts to get her off of them, but about $2000 too late! He is going to make an appt to see an attorney tomorrow so he can at least get himself protected and knowledgeable on what he needs to know-- biggest issue is that the house was his before he met her--he bought the land, built it himself, etc. Over the years she was added to the title, but it was still mortgage paid from his monies (she never worked until the past 5 years or so when the kids got into school)...so he needs to find out if that house is still considered his or if it is subject to community property laws in CA at this point.
I hate this stuff--makes me so sad and angry with her for not even trying to work on the marriage--I honestly think she is running away, just like her mother did and cannot face the past, which is something she would have to face if she were in therapy...
anyway, i think it is time for bed!! any feedback from anyone is most helpful
Quote: Ellie- you ask if the meds were just recent--she has been on a myriad of drugs for at least 10 years..after the youngest was born it all started with Thyroid problems, migraines, post-partum depression..so she was seaking help for all this..somewhere along the line they diagnosed her with the fibro (at least 5 years ago)
If all her Rx's are from one doctor, and seem to be appropriate amounts (that is, one month's prescription lasting one month) she may be okay (addicts usually docotr-shop to get increasing amounts). Some Drs. out there will treat "chronic pain" with long-term narcotics - it is controversial. Of course, given SIL's family history, she is a very poor candidate for taking narcotics.
Quote: after the youngest was born it all started with Thyroid problems, migraines, post-partum depression.
Depression seems obvious, especially with her family history. Thyroid problems - well, the one time I felt I knew what fibromyalgia must feel like was when my thyroid bottomed out after radiation treatment of my thyroid - only lasted a couple days, but it was awful. Really made me wonder how many fibromyalgia patients actually had under-treated thyroid disease (some people don't respond adequately to the usual regimens).
As for the hyper-religiosity and compulsive shopping - they may be connected. Compulsive shopping can be an addiction, like gambling - the temporary "high" of buying things raises levels of neurotransmitters, temporarily relieving depression. Compulsive shoppers are treated with antidepressants.
Religion (and please, no offense to all the "normal" religious people out there) can crop up as a factor in mental illness. Schizophrenics are often hyper-religious (no, I'm not suggesting she's schizophrenic). People in the manic phase of bipolar disorder may become hyper-religious (bipolar does seem like a possibility given her family history). Or religion may just have been her anchor while she was drowning in her depression.
Any which way - her problems are serious, whatever they are.
HI Ellie, Thanks for all the feedback! As for the drugs and if they are normal amounts--not sure--we did count the Vicadin and out of a bottle of 100 pills she had taken 1/2 of them in the course of 2 weeks--so if it was prescribed as a monthly supply--then probably taking what the doctor allows--but I can't see how taking that much vicadin is right--especially with all the other drugs.
I don't necessarily fault the Dr. at this point, because it is up to her to share her family background and since she ran away from therapy years ago when her past was being addressed--I am sure it is not something she would volunteer to her Dr.---if she did disclose the mom/sister history with drugs/suicide--then the Dr. has got to be a quack!
I have a friend whose child is bi-polar and we have discussed that possibility in depth and I do believe too that it is an option---and from what I hear it is usually the last thing that they test for--so if SIL isn't complaining or saying her problems are "managed"--then no reason to go further on the diagnosing on behalf of the doctor.
B had his therapy yesterday and feels good about that--and thinks it is driving W nuts that he is still seeing the therapist--don't think she ever expected him to do that or to continue with it after she continually beats him down! Everyday she tries to push his buttons, and I am so proud of him--he just takes it (and then vents to me about it)--it has got to be making her nuts that he does not lash out at her---well he did one time-- SIL, "you are just like your father" B, "you don't even know what you are talking about--but you sure are a lot like your mother"-- not good-- especially since her mother did kill herself!
Anyway, that is about where things stand--think other than getting legal advice and filing for the legal separation to protect himself financially, not much else he can do at this point-- she has to see her world crumble around her before she will seek any help.
