Thank you for posting in response to my questions. I see where it might have been quite gut-wrenching for you to go to this place and describe it.
Thank you also for your answers responding to my LL questions. I AM gaining insight into how people relate/react to the 5LL questionnaire as well as how it applies to their everyday lives.
I'd like to offer you a few of my thoughts about your sitch from the limited ideas you have shared with me/us. First, let me say that I am not the sage or wise owl that some others here are, including Mrs NOP, GEL, OG_Lou, Honeypot, Lilieperl, ZB, and Hairdog. So don't put too much credence into what I post, but please give it a quick listen...
Since you and your H have done the 5LL questionnaire twice now, you do know what his LLs are, right? Do you try to speak to him in his LLs? You continue to live under the same roof with this man for all the right reasons, so you should speak his LL.
When you do get his attention via LL or whatever, you need to set up some boundaries by telling him that you do definitely NOT appreciate him groping you in front of your kids (and their families, if that is also true). Furthermore, you do not want that behavior in public even if no one that you know is around.
I know that you said that you are not really into PT anymore. Is it for the lack of respect he shows you by not bathing often enough? Here’s an idea…
You mentioned that your H is into gift giving to the extreme that you sense that he is trying to buy you and your affection? If this is so, is he also very tuned into receiving gifts? If so, I am envisioning a gift package that you need to give him to improve his personal hygiene. You be the one to ultimately decide what goes into his gift pack but some suggestions on my part would be, a razor and spare blades, scented soap (with a manly name and packaging), shampoo, after shave or cologne, deodorant (that goes with the scented soap and aftershave). Now for the hook, also add something naughty but nice, such as scented massage oil, a romantic CD, a spicy picture of you. The ultimate could be a coupon that you create to give him his favorite flavor of nookie. The whole plan here is to connect his personal hygiene habits in a positive way with his desire to ML.
If you go along with his PT advances anyway, wouldn’t this help make it better for you as well as help him understand your feelings about personal hygiene, without puting him down?
Just some ideas for you to consider Genie. Another idea that has been bounced around recently on the BB that seems to make a lot of sense….One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, each time expecting the outcome to be different.
If you’re not getting anywhere with your sitch, try something different.
Thanks again for posting and sharing with all of us on the SSM BB,
Have you by any chance looked into my previous posts? Maybe I have forgotten what I have and have not posted here. It has bee some time.
Your posts have given me as much on my sitch as almost anyone else. I thank you again.
I do know H's LL. The two he needs the most are PT and WOA. I do fairly well on the WOA, as he is a great cook, and does most of the ccoking. However, he tends to beg for compliments before I have a chance to praise him for his accomplishments in other areas. As for PT, it IS the sexual part that he is most interested in.
I will give an example of our interactions: Last night, he made spaghetti for dinner. His is the absolute best I've ever had. For the first time I can remember, he asked nicely for help, because he hadn't planned right, and dind't have time to get bread ready. Usually, he bellows when he needs help, and then nobody can do anything to suit him. I said I would be out in a minute. I took care of the bread, and then poured wine for both of us. He mentioned not having cut the peppers for the salad because there were some in the sauce. If I wanted, he would cut some. I gave him a big, toothy grin- we can never have too many peppers, as far as I'm concerned. I gave two good compliments on the meal, as well as taking seconds, which could be considered a third compliment.
Then, after dinner, I cleared and rinsed. I am not prone to doing this, because H often gets in a huff because others don't rinse right, load the dishwasher right, or put things away right. Then, after we were done (he put away leftovers), I gave him some real smooches. He asked if dinner was "that good".
Then, he and D20 went to the pharmacy and the store. He brought me home a favorite dessert. I thanked and kissed him, and gave more big smiles.
I headed for bed, and we kissed goodnight. Then, he headed to the computer or his "office".
If you have read my previous posts, you already know he had an EA about 2 years ago. He continues to use her name as his screen saver on his work computer. He also has her work website, which he looks at almost daily to see her picture. To me, this is highly disrespectful. I am not prone to sharing my H.
Believe me, I have told him at various times and in various ways that the groping is inappropriate. At least one of the kids has said things to that effect, also.
I have given him the gift of personal hygeine products many times over. Although he had two bottles of his favorite (and mine for him) body wash, he bought another last week. I did not say anything at the store. He is nearly bald, and wears a full beard an mustache. He colors the beard and mustache, and it looks very unnatural to me. I offer to cut his hair, which I have always done, every time it starts looking a bit shaggy. (By the way, I really don't like giving haircuts) WE sometimes don't get around to the trim for two weeks after I first mention it. He often looks uncared for. I couldn't, for the life of me, pick out a razor that suits him. He only shaves about once a week, maybe less. He has the aftershave, cologne, etc. It sits in the closet in the original packaging- has sat there since Xmas 2003, if I am not mistaken.
As for the naughty gifts, I've also tried taht. We have several scented oils that have sat since before the millineum. WE also have toys that aren't used.
My problem with trying something different, is that I have tried many things, and none work more than a few times. I have completely run out of ideas. In case you haven't figured it, we have been married nearly 34 years. Life omves on...
Lately, my different has been to give space. He doesn't seem to notice, because when I didn't give it he took it anyway.
The thing I want most is to have talks about our sitch. Then, maybe we could work things out a bit, and it wouldn't end up tense so often.
Quote: You asked about my top 3 LL- the first two I describe QT and AOS are my tops, in my opinion. H obviously sees it differently.
Genie2, I really feel for you in your sitch. I'm going to look back at what you've posted before to gain better understanding. I'll be getting to the quote I started with shortly, but first I want to comment that it seems like your H is not only HD, but he is also high control (HC). Do you agree?
Does he back off enough, from time to time, from being the center of attention, without withdrawing from the relationship, to have any of the quality time that you need? IOW will he sit down with you and talk about whatever it is that you need to talk about and really listen without just using your conversation to bounce off of to get back to his own agenda? It seems to me that he is right on with AOS by doing all the cooking that he does, but you need the QT. Does he provide that, or is he ignoring that facet of your personality? I congratulate you on 34 years of marriage, but where's the marital glue that sticks the two of you together?
Is H willing to spend QT with you discussing whatever it is that you need from him to feel fulfilled ?
Enough ???? for now. Thanks again for the dialog. I hope I'm not poking into places that you didn't want to go. I'll try to read your earlier posts B4 my next post here.
Yes, H does seem to need to at least have the feeling of being in control.
Quality time on my terms- seldom. Example: we went out for dinner tonight. Could be a good chance for quality time, right? He stayed spaced out, and watched the TV monitors with almost no conversation. I finally asked if he would act the same way if we were dating. He didn't give an appropriate reply. He did admit to being tired. Then, I suggested he should get a relationship coach! He took it as a joke, so things were OK.
The only times conversation is not focused about him are the times we talk about the kids, or in the almost never category of R talks. Then, he almost flat out refuses to discuss himself. We had one of those last night- I confronted him.
If I didn't mention it earlier, the reason he cooks is because he gets done with work before I do. He gets off at 2:15 (seldom coming home before 5:30), while I get off at 7:15 (and get home by 7:25). He is a good cook, but calls me almost daily, because he wants to know what I want for dinner. I have often told him what I really want is to not have to decide what to have for dinner.
When he asks where I want to go, and I say, "it's up to you"- I really do mean it.
The marital glue has just about totally dissolved. Or, was it the kids? Two are out of the house and married, one leaves for boot camp in 19 days, and the other uses the house as a "s***, shower and shave stop".
Last night, he grudgingly discussed parts of our problem. However, there were also periods of him blankly staring at me, while I was biting my tongue, waiting for him to open up even a tiny bit. The content of the talk is an entire post, which I may not get into here at this time.
If you are interested, and there is still a way, maybe we could go in depth with PM on the topics, as we seem to be in a similar place at this point in time.
What I would really like is for him to be my confidant, and me to be his. He is loath to do this, as he has frequently shown by his actions.
Quote: If you are interested, and there is still a way, maybe we could go in depth with PM on the topics, as we seem to be in a similar place at this point in time.
Genie2: Sorry, I'm not understanding this statement. What are you referring to as going in depth with PM on the topics?
What I mean is that we could take this topic off forum and support each other by email. Some folks aren't comfortable with this. When I said by PM, I was thinking of some other forum, because on some forums there is a capability to put up a topic and invite one, or maybe more to join in without it being seen by everyone on the forum.
I considered this, as we seem to be having similar problems, but since we are different people, the views we have might help us understand our spouses in a better way.
Witnessing your dialogue certainly helps the rest of us who are reading, even if we don't jump in with replies. I hope you will keep the exchanges public.
It's been an intense week, and I haven't found time to post until now, and I'm hoping this will be short so I can get some sleep. The new wallpaper went up in our newly redecorated BR last Friday. It's quite nice; both of us think so. Saturday we took it easy, then went to a party in the evening that was close by. Sunday was a fantastic "getting it up and popping" day because we ML in the morning, then took my boat out for a boatride in the afternoon, successfully for the first time this season. It was our second attempt, the first time, I couldn't get it started, reminded me alot of ED. (Sorry for the downer, I'm on a happy trip right now.) The boat trip was a great success. As was the ML that morning!
Monday was busy with getting a passport for our cruise coming up this November, as well as other shopping that I needed to do, ending VERY positively with buying the wood for my cupala project, major reason for vacation this week: cupala project. Tuesday I had more shopping to take care of, followed by time to start cutting wood. Wednesday, I completed the cornerposts, eight sides of 4 dado cuts each on 45 degree angles for slats that show from the finished project. Very intense, good learning and character building day.
Tomorrow is going back into the city day to get an eye exam - new eye glasses, then on to meet the Mrs. for a date at a park where there is FREE music.
Friday will be a frienzied day of trying to get as much of the cupala completed as posible during the day, then cook surf and turf. Saturday, our 28th anniversary, we have reservations at a local hotel.
We're planning to go out for dinner after we check in. Then we will wing it. I'm hoping for something sexy to happen between us. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, I DO STILL LOVE HER!!!
