That makes sense. I suppose that we need these as well. One problem I see with this it that this might lead the LD to think that these are the important parts of marriage. I see them as important, but by themselves, they do not provide enough intimacy fo a HD like myself. I need PHYSICAL intimacy far more then intellectual intimacy.
When I took that test I to was scattered across the board. I think the reason was none of the options were my choice so I picked the lesser of two evils so the answers where false. If there would have been a none of the above option that would have ended up being my LL on that test. Sorry I know that does not help you figure it out.
It may be true that YOU need physical intimacy far more than any of the others....but what happens if she needs the other (non physcial) ones more than the physical...but you continue to concentrate on the physical?
She's far more likely to want to fulfill your physical intimacy needs....if you concentrate on the ones that are more important for her. It seems to me (and believe me, I understand why this is) that you focus so intently on the physical side (and I know that is what you need because it's lacking, I'm living that too)....that perhaps you are disregarding the others, which could be leaving her "intimacy tank" empty...those none-physical intimacy needs could be what she's lacking from you....and then because neither of you is doing what the other really needs/wants that becomes a vicious cycle.
It's worth a look isn't it?
IMPOV the only way that that little test (if that's what you want to call it) would be come the most important parts of the marriage...is if that's what the LD person was told. Remember, I mentioned that we were told specifically by our C that these things are separate from the physical intimacy, we were not told these were more important....in fact it was stressed that these go hand-in-hand with the physical intimacy. So, if you were to approach your W in a manner that let her know you were open to finding out what she needs in that manner, aside from the physical....she might (just might) be willing to listen more openly to you about your physical needs as well.
It’s been a good weekend full of AOS and QT. They are definitely tied together for the two of us to the extreme that I wonder why they each became a separate Love Language. We painted. We talked. We worked out issues with the room, we talked casual, then intimate, then casual, etc. What was quality time for her, even though I was doing AOS became QT for me as well.
I explored the results of her 5LL questionnaire by asking her if she had to narrow her even score across five categories to the three that seemed most important to her what the three would be. Numbers 1 & 2 were very easy for her since we were living them in the moment, AOS and QT. The number 3 choice ended up being a tie, which I accepted since originally all five were a tie, PT and WOA. I presented an example to her that lead to the tie. “Honey, the kitchen looks great; thank you so much”….I would say as I gave her a long hug. So I’m slightly off the hook for that gift giving that I’m struggling with!
When I brought up the 5LL questionnaire this weekend, she mentioned that she had already seen her “next assignment”, the 10 Intimacy Statements. I told her to not rush into those quite yet, and then we explored the top three as disclosed above. Throughout the weekend we talked and worked on all sorts of stuff. The work was mostly BR related. The talk was more diverse, but with a bias on my part towards R topics.
On Sunday, once my BR tasks were complete, I started working on our dinner. As I did so, I brought out the 10 IS. Now I know that men don’t multitask that well, but I gave it a try. While I chopped up all the fresh veggies for our salad, I went over the choices for myself and for her. This sounds terrible, like I didn’t take it seriously at all and was just doing it to get it over with, but no…….., I AM the HD person here who’s hoping to get the most from this, so I managed to chop and think at the same time.
For myself, I chose Acceptance, because I feel that I have a lot to reveal about myself to her even though we’ve been married almost 28 years. I mean we’re talking about not revealing squat for years and years! (We even talked about living as strangers to each other this weekend.) Affection, the closest choice to the 5LL of Physical Touch; and Comfort, cause gosh darn it, when I’m hurting, I wish she’d step up to the plate and help me. I guess I internalize my pain too quietly; I’m not a good actor.
For her, I chose Acceptance, because she acts so mysteriously, it’s like she’s afraid to reveal her true self to me, we are so alike in this way; Appreciation, because she has a strong need to be recognized for the great things she does; and finally Support, because there aren’t too many things she does by herself that she doesn’t end up asking for my help with, not just ego tripping here, really.
When the evening came, all four of us had dinner together; it was very nice, possibly the last dinner we all eat together before D23 and S19 go back to college. Afterwards, W and I took our dog for a walk/run in the fields behind our house. I took along our 10 IS papers, feeling good about completing them and wanting to share. I waited until there was a pause in the dog’s activity and brought up the subject. (Keep in mind our pooch might disappear for 15 minutes or so, then reappear.) The response to my bringing up the 10 IS was “not now, I’ve done enough R sharing for today.” I accepted that. Then I got quiet for a moment, then, I counted my blessings for all of the R sharing we did accomplish over this weekend. I backed off, and will do so until another day. I don’t want to ruin what we did have by asking for too much. Little steps, little steps.
It was the best R weekend in a long, long time. The best sex weekend in a long, long time is still something that I look forward to. In the mean time, I am truly enjoying the great R progress that we made this weekend.
I'm so glad you two had a nice weekend....and personally, I wouldn't bring up the 10 Intimacy questions right on the heels of the 5LL questionnaire either....to me, if I were in her shoes...that just might be overkill and it does sound like you two had some great R convos while working on your home improvement project. But dang man! I appreciate your enthusiasm, and no, you thinking about those questions while fixing dinner doesn't appear as though you don't take it seriously. I often ponder things while cooking....so just because you don't sit down and concentrate on that one thing all by itself...doesn't mean you don't take it seriously
I bet this weekend left you feeling pretty darned good...even if there was no nookie involved
Quote: I bet this weekend left you feeling pretty darned good...even if there was no nookie involved
GEL
You're right, GEL. I do feel pretty darned good. It's so nice to go upstairs to our bedroom and look at the improvements that we've made, her contri, my contri, and our contributions all exhibited there to look at and enjoy, and the improvements are close to being permanent. Whereas, the relationship will have its' ups and downs. We took it to a better place and hope to never look back but the relationship is a whole lot more fragile than plaster walls and Dutch Boy paint. Yet....the relationship has endured storm after storm after storm.
W is on vacation this week. When we had both gotten up on Monday morning (still not in sync with our rising/retiring times) both our kids had left for work at their summer jobs. I suggested that we should ML. W countered with remembering that she owed it to me to do the 10 IS that she was too over the top to do the evening before. So HD short term gratification lost out to long term (I hope) R building. We did it....the 10 IS exercise and discussion.
See my previous post for my answers. Hers are as follows: Affection, the non-sexual physical touch; Appreciation, being recognized for accomplishment or effort; and Attention, conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care, and entering that person's "world".
It gave us both some things to think about as we try to go deeper into our relationship. Her initial response to my answers was that I only got one of her answers and one of my answers right!! Like she aced it and I didn't figure it out right?
I tried to get her to see that all of our answers were right for each of us as individuals in a R. When I answered for her, differently than she did, I was holding up my own private mirror for her to look into to see how I envision, conceptualize, and relate to her. My own answers for myself are like looking right through me. I didn't get any answers wrong, neither did she. The answers are just our own insights into how we see our R in the present tense.
What's interesting about her responses is that she answered for me in the same three statements as herself. Even though I think of her as mysterious, and she kind of likes being that way, I think I hold back more when it comes to revealing who I really am (HD&LC). Thus the projection on her part of who she is onto me. Also, it explains my need for Acceptance, receiving another person willingly and unconditionally.
When we got through with the exercise W revealed that she liked the 5LL questionaire and our discussion about it this weekend better than the 10 IS that we took this morning. I'm probably over-analysing, but I think the 10 IS was harder because of having to answer what you thought your spouse would reply. I don't think she liked not answering for me the same way as I did. Although she stated that I got the answers wrong when I did her, I think she felt the same about not getting me right, Hello, R growth opportunity just came knocking here!
Just as I feel she needs to explore my answers for both of us on an ongoing basis for a while, I want to continue to think through and identify what it is that she answered for both of us. Mirror, mirror on the wall....not. Mirror, mirror in my bed....yes.
Right now lackanookie is IMHO, a combination of needing to pull back to her own space, feeling a little uncomfortable about the growth in our shared space, as well as the taking charge of the wall paper araingement, and being uncertain of how that will play out this week. She told me this evening that the wall paper lady isn't coming over until Friday. Maybe having that information assimilated, and the kids rushing off to work in the morning, she will relax and join me for some quality time in our BR, even if she sees it as AOS to me.
All-in-all, the 10 IS has only begun to sink in for both of us. We are much more comfortable with our long and lazy discussion about the 5LL, but time will get us familiar with and in tune with the 10 IS as well.
I haven't posted in quite awhile. Like you, my H scored high in two categories- PT and WOA. As your W, I spread across the categories- except for having only one point in PT. I did find that there were some ambiguities in the questions- places where I would not choose either, so I did choose the less "offensive" (for lack of a more apporopriate word) response.
We have done the test twice, about 4 months apart, and the responses were similar, but not exact. So, as we all know, feeling change with time.
Does my H try to speak in all my LL? It doesn't seem so to me. He uses WOA not at all. Since he seldom, if ever wants to sit down and talk or just "be" with me, I'd say QT is very low. He is heavy on Gifts, which makes me feel as if he is trying to "buy" me. AOS is kind of up in the air. The main thing he does in this category is cook. Really, I believe he only does this because of my work hours.
The thing is, he really uses PT heavily, and that is the one I seem to need least.
If I had to choose, I would say may LL come in this order: QT, AOS, WOA, Receiving Gifts. Since I don't seem to notice when he does my top two, I can't say that I get any warm fuzzies from it.
I will be the first to admit that I am not into PT like I used to. When we were younger... Now, I think it is hideous when he tries to "cop a feel" in public, or around our children- who range in age from 30 - 20. Sometimes, when he is getting his dose of PT, I feel so uncomfortable that I just about cringe. There are reasons for this, and none of them are sinister. He often has BO from not showering frequently enough. He does it when I am already settled for the night, and it disturbs me to be awakened in this manner. He does it at an inappropriate time or in an inapporpriate place.
Thank you so much for making me feel welcome here. I haven't posted for quite awhile until yesterday.
You asked about my top 3 LL- the first two I describe QT and AOS are my tops, in my opinion. H obviously sees it differently.
Hope my thoughts will aid you in your quest to improve your marriage. I applaud you for opening yourself to others to get help.
Welcome back Genie2. I have been following your post on MLC but did not have any advice for you at the time.
Thanks for sending me the jokes. Several people have laughed at the "Hair Spray" story.
SSM has a lot of understanding posters so if you feel comfortable post a short history and see if anyone can add some insight to your situation.
I remember that you had an interest in trains and just wanted to say I saw several TV programs on the RFDTV network (ch. 9049 on DISH system) about model railroading, minature out door railroading, and old and new films of steam railroading. Also got a couple of VHS Steam railroading from the library.
About your H's BO. The guys in the army knew how to take care of that problem. Six guys would give him a "COLD" shower.
