Very laid-back weekend. H and I went to a retaurant with SIL and FIL. Had an interesting convo with H on Sunday night. Inspired by something I saw in H's horoscope this week, I asked H to sit down with me to make a list of what he needed in an R, what was very important to him and what he wanted. H's horoscope talked about how the Buddhist belief is that you get exactly what you need, when you need it and almost always never get what you want when you want it. The astrologer suggested that you think upon what it was that you needed rather than fixating on what you want.
It was a pretty interesting exercise between H and I. I talked to him about how although I find all that I had listed in the important list as very important to me in an R, I NEEDED to have what was listed in my "need" list. We've been working on rebuilding the core of our R and I think this is the first time H and I have sat down and looked at each other's needs. I also mentioned that it was important that we both find out what each other's needs meant to that person. It's all well and good for me to say to my H that I need respect, compassion, and honesty for my R but does my H really know what that means to me? Do I know what his needs of respect, loving, honesty, selflessness mean to him?
This is what I am focusing on when I'm working on my R. The list of the "important" is what we use in our day-to-day. This is what keeps us from being bogged down by our work on our R. The "wants" list is the future. If it happens- great, if not, then it doesn't at all undermine the fact that I have a great R.
Update on my issues- Sunday night I started getting anxious like I do whenever things are calm. I'm admittedly addicted to chaos. So, I started getting paranoid and got up to lock a number of the windows. Monday morning my H asked me if I had gotten up to lock the windows. I said yes and then went into a lengthy analysis of why I am reacting to my anxiety this way, blah, blah, psycho-babble. He stops me and asks how long this is going to go on for. I am offended and say that I didn't know but that rest assured I was working on it. Then a few minutes later I tell H that I am offended and that I have never once asked him when his issues were going to come to an end.
It briefly flared into an argument but then just as quickly died out. H asked me to tell him when I was feeling this way. He said that if I did this it would be less of an issue for him because then he wouldn't be caught off guard like the last time. Background- after the first year of our R, I had a relapse of anorexia that lasted for two years. H is afraid of this happening again.
Last night H's cell phone rang at 10:30. H didn't pick up while it was ringing but made a point of checking afterwards and called whoever it was back.
Hi sikan - Congratulations on getting H to sit with you and work out what his needs are, NG runs a mile even at the mere suggestion of an R talk
Do I know what his needs of respect, loving, honesty, selflessness mean to him?
Inquiring minds want to know, what did you conclude were H's needs, and what plans have you made to meet them?
H asked me to tell him when I was feeling this way. He said that if I did this it would be less of an issue for him because then he wouldn't be caught off guard like the last time.
Looks like a perfect opportunity for a 180 - H seems to have some real concerns about your contentment, or anxiety. He seems to be communicating in very Mars terms, just wondering if there are any other specific Martin traits you have seen in him.
Thank you for your reply. I'm going to start a new thread after my reply to you. I need to address the issues in my R more directly, in my own head AND on this BB .
To answer your question- H's needs are: patience, understanding, honesty, love/caring, respect, selflessness, self-respect, compassion, strength, balance, and humility. I'm beginning to understand what some of these mean through my observations and, at times, flat out asking. He's also gotten better at vocalizing his likes and dislikes. For example, the other day he said to me that he was "so glad that I am able to accept him for who he is". In the past, he felt pressure from me to be more.
Basically, it stemmed from my own insecurities about where I was in my life. My unhappiness would spill out in the form of anxiety for other's lives. I would constantly send my H job listings for him to apply to and talk alot about people that I admired who were more wordly than H. He's been very upfront about how insecure he felt when I would do that. He's gotten to a point where he is more accepting of himself and also more direct when things like that bother him.
He also said the other day that the sound of my voice soothes him and that was a recent thing. I asked him what he meant by that and he said that often in the past, I overreacted to a lot of things in my life and created much unnecessary drama. He said that I have calmed down alot and that he very much looks forward to hearing from me. I thanked him for noticing the changes that I have made in my anxiety issues. So this is another example of his needs. He needs to see strength in me. And he has been upfront with how scary it can be to be with someone who isn't mentally or emotionally balanced. H and I both agree on this point!
Anyway, I'd like to be less scattered with my postings. It helps to keep my head clear. In fact, it would have helped me alot yesterday to have posted. I was in the worst mood and slowly it began to creep into my thoughts about H and our R. I repeatedly told myself that I was not going to think about my R when I was feeling this bad because it would be impossible for me to think clearly. Instead of calling H and in a passive way try to get him to talk over my temporarily heightened insecurities while he was at work, I went to the gym and worked most of it out on the treadmill. By the time H and I talked later in the evening, I was pretty mellow and not at all "off" about anything between H and I. I feel that better journalling can only help this process of change.
Ok, so I will begin another thread today or tomorrow. Thank you again for checking in!
Slowly
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