If you figure out the answers to all those questions, just let me know, or maybe patent them, so you can cash in on the big bucks that are sure to follow. I think this falls in the same category of "what do women want?". Curious minds wish to know.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
As an addendum to the previous comment, from observing things on the board for the past couple of years, it seems like WAH's respond more rapidly to dating that WAWs. It seems like dating on the part of the LBH either pisses the WAW off or makes no impact. However, WAH's can't handle their LBW's dating and seem to have a violent reaction (i.e. they seem to come back faster). Am I wrong?
I have never seen a case on this board of a LBH-dating-induced-return-of-the-errant-WAW. You guys seen any? Just curious what the data shows.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Quote: If she really comes to realize she loves me and wants to get back together then she will have to show it. And if false pride prevents her from doing that then I don't want her anyway.
RIGHT ON!!!! I really do think you have the right attitude.
Quote: it seems like WAH's respond more rapidly to dating that WAWs. It seems like dating on the part of the LBH either pisses the WAW off or makes no impact. However, WAH's can't handle their LBW's dating and seem to have a violent reaction (i.e. they seem to come back faster). Am I wrong?
I intuitively believe this is true...men get fired up to competition. The WAH may not want their LBW, but they'll be damned if they let someone else have them. Kind of like a kid that doesn't play with a toy until someone else wants to play with it.
I don't perceive that women are this way. Perhaps the women would like to chime in. But have you noticed a whole lot of WAWs coming back at all? Or coming back because the LBH has stayed faithful for months and months...even after divorced? I'll bet you more women respond to guys moving on than guys that stay in one place and make it clear they are holding out hope for the WAW. But jealousy isn't the reason to date.....getting a life...moving on...having fun...trying to have a complete fulfilling life are reasons to date. That is, if you feel that dating is something that will increase your happiness, self-esteem, or whatever.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I made the changes to myself and I'm happy with who I am. Now basically the ball is in her court. She has to come to the conclusion or not whether she wants to pursue a R with me. But I'm not waiting in the off chance she will. It's not fair to myself.
I think this is a good attitude to have. XH and I went months without contact and conversation. Had other relationship in that time but some how found ourselves always coming back to each other. So maybe you really getting on with your life, completely, will bring the two of you back together at some point. I believe that if two lives are meant to be connected nothing will stop that. There maybe time when there is distance but they will continue to come back together, for better or worse. This also may be a blessing or a curse. (I'm still out on this one!)
But honestly, I don't think you're ready for another R. Maybe friendly dating, but not a R. It wouldn't be fair to you or the other person.
I've found that men are usually quicker to jump into a new R than women. Some of them don't even wait to be D'd.
I don't think any woman wants a guy that follows her around like a puppy dog. It's absolutely too draining to be that responsible for someone else's happiness. Plus, we women still want someone we think will protect us. This started in the cave man days. So.....GAL is the way to go.
Also, when you begin to date, you do need to remember that it's "not" all about you. The women you date may have their own WA and baggage to deal with. I think being honest about where you are emotionally is the only decent way to go.
I've been dating for a year and a half. I'm still not ready for a LTR and I let it be known immediately. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't if the right guy came along, but so far my prince hasn't shown up.
Hey Wes I see you've caught the attention of the wise Queen Jill. She is one of the Michigan group who I hang out with. Oh, don't visit her thread though. They have way too much fun on her thread.
UD - you asked:
Quote: I have never seen a case on this board of a LBH-dating-induced-return-of-the-errant-WAW. You guys seen any? Just curious what the data shows.
I can say that I had been dating a LBH and when his WAW became aware of this she did ask to return. So I don't know how that fares to other data you've seen, but I can tell you that it definitely does happen.
I did visit Jill's thread and read the whole last one. I had nothing to add because I don't know anything about cars. She's got her act way too together.
Thanks for the input on at least one case of the WAW getting jealous and wanting back in. It's nice to have direct knowledge of that, but it does give you pause about dating a WA doesn't it.
Jill, Bruce, Hope, UD: Thanks for the input on the interesting discussion. Very helpful. And fun besides.
Okay, update for the day. I'm extremely sore but happy. I went and played two and a half hours of volleyball last night. It was fun, but I guess I'm getting old. Reminded me this morning of the Toby Keith song.."I'm not as good as I once was".
There was an absolutely gorgeous girl playing VB with us and she was so sweet. Made me wish I was perhaps a little younger. I have this thing where I would much prefer that the girl I date be closer in age to me rather than closer in age to my son. But everyone was nice. I barely knew a few of them from before but they were real accepting even though I was clearly the old man of the group (I'd say most were in their low 20s). Ahh, the youthful spirit. It was a very nice distraction.
The X called late last night...checking on whether the tickets arrived (I guess). We had a nice chat about their day. I've noticed if I'm getting a life that she doesn't want to hear about it. I just said that my legs felt torn to shreds by the gritty sand at the VB court.
That's all for me today. I'll share with you what was on the "Don't sweat the small stuff" calender.
Quote: Happy people know that regardless of what happened yesterday, last month, years ago--or what might happen later today, tomorrow, or next year--now is the only place where happiness can actually be found and experienced.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I would hypothesize, with no statistical reference, dating for the LBH would not induce the WAW (X) to reconsider, return, reevaluate the previous R. I sense it would relieve the WAW, letting her know you are moving on and no longer pining away for an unrealistic R.
I guess there comes a time when we can wait no more, but will always wonder about R's left behind.
Wes, You're doing all the right things. I love VB, BTW. My D plays on a summer sand league. Just keep the PMA, stay busy, make yourself happy and all will be well soon.
And.....really, I don't have my act together at all. I'm in the "dating" world and it confuses the hell out of me!!! Had to drink 2 glasses of wine before my first one. But, I'm happier than I've ever been before and that is worth everything to me. You will be too.
But, I'm happier than I've ever been before and that is worth everything to me. You will be too.