Today is separation day 21 for me. Yesterday somehow the subject of sex came up. My H says no, I say it is ok. He said that you do not have to wait until divorce to have sex with another. I told him that we were still married and I would do no such thing and I would hope that he would not. Didn't get a direct answer, just said something like who would want me. Then I said we weren't legally separation or anything anyway and he quickly corrected me that as soon as someone moves their stuff out it is official. He had a funny look-I know he's talked to someone which really surprised me. I only got 3 hrs sleep last night and my heart won't stop racing. Do I tell him this is bothering me? You will probably all say no but how can I go on like this? He originally said he needed "weeks to months" to sort out his head, he was numb. Now it seems more serious. He also went to a bar on Fri (it was his day away from us) and when I casually asked about it (as I was looking for a place to take him for his b-day), he told me I had to respect his privacy! I asked why something so ridiculous was private, if he asked me I would say where I was. These are the things he does that makes me feel like I am stalking him. He cuts off phone calls when I am near or talks in the driveway outside the house or in parking lots. I've been checking the numbers on his cell to see his actions and he found out. I e-mailed some friends to see what he has been saying to them and one ratted me out. Now instead of seeing our kids each night he wants to do separate nights with them. I thought I was moving forward now I feel backward. I started a depression med to help me along but it hasn't helped yet. HELP!! And this site is hard to figure out besides!
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Not glad to see you in your sitch but glad you posted. Have you read DR yet? If not, pick it up today at a local bookstore and read it. It'll tell you to stop with this pursuit stuff, and give H space and time.
You can deal w/ all this, by focusing on yourself and getting busy with your own improvements. Reflect on that a bit and set up some shortterm goals for yourself and for your R, then post them here.
For whatever reason, he is confused about the M. Chasing him will drive him faster, farther away. He is defensive now, but try not to continue to fuel the defense.
It is very difficult, but try to focus on yourself and the children and NOT what he is doing.
Hi e.w. Sorry to find you here, but welcome, come here anytime to ask for advice, share good/bad things or just to vent and let it all out!
The best thing you can do for now is look after yourself. Do things that you like to do, keep a positive outlook going and start making some changes in your life that you may have been putting off for a while.
You said you have kids? Taking good care of yourself will help them also as they will need your support, stability and love through the separation.
Give your h some time/space. I know this is hard, it's very, very hard at times. But it can be done and is necessary. He has to figure out on his own what is wrong/missing or whatever in his life. What you can do is show him the positive side of you everytime he comes around! At this time, actions will speak louder than words. (sorry, I really hate to use cliches!)
Thank you all, I am so glad to have support, I really need it. I started on Zoloft but I am told it will take time to be effective. I have been living on 3-5 hrs of sleep a night. My heart does nothing but race. I cannot eat - lost 17 lbs so far. I do not feel like my H is the enemy, but sometimes he seems to act as if I am, or that I just have leprocy. Yesterday we had to take our 5 yr old daughter to a specialist. I thanked him for being there. He said of course he would be. However, he did not spend the night which I expected to be hard, but wasn't, nor was he there to comfort her in the morning. He did call and I told him I especially missed him this morning dealing with her he couldn't seem to understand why. I just feel so alone. Everyone keeps saying be strong for yourself and the kids and keep busy. I read DR. Waiting for 2 other of her books now. I just feel so desperate, I am doing my best not to ask where he is on nights I don't see him and not to call him, let him call me. But it is killing me on day 22. I thought this would get easier, but I feel worse with each passing day. I can barely function at work. If it wasn't for the kids I would have myself put away. But if I am seen as "unfit" and lose them I will definetely lose it. I start a support group tomorrow, Flying Solo. I hope it helps. I am on a waiting list for a psych, 12-14 weeks. Can't afford it but will find a way I guess. Why is life so hard????
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Life is not hard, we just to make it that way. It does get easier, but it takes months, not days; you are still in the infancy of the R trouble. Still wondering what and why and how, how can you possibly go on and survive? And guess, you will.
SLOWLY. Time and patience (very difficult I know) are the only keys you have on your side. And it is only about controlling your actions and reactions and life. You cannot do this for him, but for you.
Know we have all been through this and are still going through.
Thanks. I feel like I made some baby steps yesterday, but I am afraid to get hopes up. Never sure. When I got home last night the H was already home and showered and making dinner for me and the kids. Later we played some games with the kids and ended up watching tv with them until they fell asleep and then it was just us. We put the kids to bed, (he was surprised I could carry our daughter, I have been working out). At that point he made a pass at me and groped me. I was shocked! He has said no, that we cannot be intimate because it isn't right. I feel that it is ok but respect him. He then ran into the living room before he continued. I grabbed and hugged him and told him that it was ok, and that I wanted to tell him I am not the enemy and I don't feel that he is. He said he didn't. I said I didn't know what advice he was getting for others but that I felt everything we have is 50% mine and 50% his, including the kids and I wanted him to know that and that I would never speak of it again. He seemed relieved and told me to stop crying. I cry alot. After he left I called him and thanked him. He said for what and I said anything and everything, but for making me feel wanted again. He asked if I was upset because I was crying again and I said no, I was ok, really. Not sure what today will bring but I can feel that my anxiety is at least 1/2 of what it has been lately.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
Sorry you are here. You are still in the early stages of this twilight zone. I wish it will be easy for you and that your H will turn back in a very short time. But it is wise to prepare for a long struggle. It may take months, in some cases years. Every sitch is different.
I hope you find strength and quietness somewhere, sometime soon. Dont expect too much from yourself at this time. It is confusing and your world is in upheaval. But with time there will be clarity, both regarding your H and regarding yourself. And then you will feel better.
When people said this to me on these bbs earlier I thought they were feeding me empty cliches. But this is the truth. You will see. This is a time when you will have to reach in and see yourself for who you truly are and what you truly believe and want. And that is difficult. Sometimes it helps to think of this as a gift from your WAS (walk-away-spouse) than as a burden. When you find that center within you, there will be some clarity, if not peace. But it is a difficult inward journey, as all inward journeys are.
Hang in there and I wish you well.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
