I was just wonder if anyone out there would share with me how they have delt or are dealing with their husband's low sex drive. My husband and I are in a very bad place right now and this is one of the reasons. I just wanted to hear from someone in the same situation and find out if things ever got better or if there is no hope at all. My husband tells me that it is just the way he is.
Has he (or the both of you together) been to any counseling over this? Has he had a thorough physical with bloodwork to check for a low T-level?
My H is LD, we are currently going to counseling...he has had a thorough physical (everything was normal)...but I will tell you this once our communication improved (due to counseling) our R improved. How is the communication between the two of you?
Also, what would you expect to see in order for you to recognize things as "better"? What would he literally have to do for you to feel things were better? Just some info to help us out here....what is your frequency like now, never, nearly never, a few times a month, a few times a week? What would be your preferred frequency?
No, we haven't been to any couseling because he says he is too busy and can't take time off of work. And no, he hasn't had a physical. Our communication is horrible, as he doesn't like to talk and is very defensive.
Better, hum, anything would be better. He is satisfied with a couple time a month. Me, I'm a bit of a nimph. I don't need it every day, but I wouldn't mind either. There are also issue with sex being only about him and not caring if I get off or not.
I realize that I may sound selfish, but these are things that we've talked about before and he agrees that things sound change and then doesn't.
It's not selfish...you have needs that aren't being met. You aren't alone; I was in your situation not all that long ago myself.
I had to put my foot down with my H...I told him it was counseling or I couldn't guarantee we'd have another anniversary (this just happened to be on our anniversary when I said it). Let me put it this way...if you've read any of these BB's you'll notice there's a common thing that pops up....consequences and boundaries. What have you done/said that would motivate your H to do something different.
Right now...he's at a place where his behavior is working. No, you aren't happy but you aren't setting consequences for the continued behavior either, so he has no reason to do anything different. Does that make sense?
I meant what I said to my H and he knew it, so he was motivated to finally do something about the situation. I set my boundary and he knew what the consequences would be of not taking some type of action.
It sound to me that you two have all of the same problems that are commong to people in our situation....yes, there is hope. I can tell you first hand that if you set boundaries and consequences....and concentrate on your own behavior that things can improve.
I meant what I said to my H and he knew it, so he was motivated to finally do something about the situation. I set my boundary and he knew what the consequences would be of not taking some type of action.
GEL
This is so true. I had reached a point where my H knew it wasn't just idle talk anymore and it's amazing how that alone motivated him to finally do something about it. I was pleasantly surprised when he not only agreed to read SSM but actually did read it. I think it was a relief for him to learn that he's not a rarity as far as LD H's go and it removed the weighty spotlight from me as well...suddenly I was no longer in my own little world.
Not that it helps your sitch or makes you feel any better, Pepper, but you and your H are eons ahead of where me and my H were in the sex dept. If I could have gotten sex out of my H twice a month I would have been in heaven. We went for a 10 year stretch without any...no kidding. The few times I tried to initiate discussions about it my H became defensive and it usually ended up in a no-win argument for us both and nothing changed. My point is, I never thought I'd see the day where H and I could talk very frankly about sex...let alone have any. Yet now we're like a couple of newlyweds...in fact it wasn't even this good when we first met. So there's much hope for you and your H. Trust me...if my H could change his tune on this topic...any man can.
I'm going to add to Runningincircles post. I'd still give anything to ML twice a month....right now we're closer to once.....BUT that's an improvement over the 2-3 times a year we were doing. So while you aren't receiving what is satisfactory for you (and that is the important thing) take some solace in knowing #1 you aren't alone, #2 your H isn't alone, & #3 It can improve from here.
My sich was much like yours in terms of frequency. Like you, I am a pretty darn HD. My H and I would generally have sex 2x a month or less. I would generally have to throw a fit to get the 2x a month which was my starvation rations minimum sexually. If I didn't throw a fit, weeks would go by with no activity, though as I discovered my H was MBing to porn. Also, it would drive me nuts that on the rare occasion he did initiate it would often be a scenario where the only option was for me to give him an unreciprocated BJ, so I know what you mean about the not caring about satisfying you problem.
My sich has improved also, but not completely and not in the same way as some of the other HDW. The frequency has greatly improved. My H and I are probably averaging 2X a week now but instead of silently fuming we are fighting all the time. So I would semi-jokingly advise you that if you want to feel better about your relationship take GEL's advice because she has an excellent attitude, but if you just want more action and can stand angry scenes then you might follow my example.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
