My H finally agreed to counseling, but doesn't seem happy about it. In the waiting room he said he didn't know why he was there, but he stayed. In counseling he said he resigned to be by himself and that he doesn't know what feelings he has for me...but sure love isn't one of them. What do I take from this? Last Thursday, after returning home from a client dinner, he woke me up to tell me that 1) He wanted to acknowledge our 10th anniversary. 2) He wanted me to know that he has not cheated on me, and doesn't intent to. 3) He is hurting too and is doing what ever he can to preoccupy his time, i.e. working out and going to work alot. 4) That "things have to change" and that is why he agreed to go to counseling.
Now, I'm confused after the first session. He did agree to continue counseling, but made it clear he is skeptical that anything is going to change.
The therapist seems really great. She is pro-marriage an pro-searching every avenue to make it work before divorce.
She also stated that its possible that my H does still love me but that is so deeply embedded in his anger, that he doesn't know its there. I believe this is possible, as I know I have felt this for my H. But it never lasted 3 months! Any men out there with advice and words of wisdom to help me understand how men respond to hurt and anger like this.
Also, I need some support to keep DBing. I backslid on Sunday by searching his laptop and then accusing him of going on match.com, which he denies, and was really quite pissed at me about.
I really need some words of wisdom and encouragement, as our counseling session left me with more questions than answers.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin.
Give more details on your sitch. What are some of the things he wants changed? What things can you change about you? What are your 180s? Give us a plan of attack.
I'd say the thing to do here is to refrain from trying to guess what he's thinking. He's too out there for you to come close so go with what you know. Change you and then your sitch will change.
Thank you for responding. I'm really confused and feeling like I'm dangling by a thin thread. My original post is at still living together...but not for long in the Newcomers forum. Last post was 6/19/05.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin.
I went down to the wire twice in my sitch; both times not getting a D. Things can change in your sitch on a moments notice so don't give up.
Also remember h is also acting as if though his heart is melting. My h also had numerous ow during our 1.5 yr separation. THey meant nothing because he hadn't stopped loving me. I see now that those relationships were just his cry for help. Your h is confused though he may be putting on a good act by being involved with ow.
Don't give up. Give more effort to change little things bout yourself. LIttle things worked for me. Change of hair color, change of clothing style, taking up sports or out of the ordinary hobbies even taking up a game h likes would spark his interest. Cause a double take. Maybe change the way you talk or even talk less. Many of these things worked for me. And many many times I got to hear my h say he didn't love, wanted a d, stopped talking to me for months at a time, etc., yet my belief in what was going to BE was much stronger than any confused rambling he may have treated me too over the 1.5 years. I must admit that sometimes I went ballistic, did go into cry jaggs some days yet I didn't loose my vision. Don't lose yours either no matter how crazy he gets.
I'd also suggest getting close to God, journaling prayers in which you speak your beliefs. Too much negativity gives evil the course of action to take. Don't speak your fears out loud they tend to run rampant if you do.
Despite the fact that your d is soo close, your sitch can change. There's still hope after the d. Stand firm and
