Well this is interesting. My cheating girlfriend back East e-mailed me some links to a few sites she thought would be of interest to me. Her H is a www. expert and to make a long story short, she did some on-line investigating for me. It turns out the OW is in fact quite gay. She's the webmaster of several lesbian/gay rights activists groups and very proactive with women's related issues and groups. I saw a few pics of her and her partner and ewwww...now I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I accused my H of having had an A with her. When I initially asked the H about the OW's appearance he described her as being frumpy looking...boy that's an understatement. I know stranger things have happened, and I'm not tooting my own horn...but there's no way my H could/would have had an A with this woman. No way. It was interesting while I surfed the info on her how things began to make sense to me and how easily certain thoughts resolved...dissipating from my mind. I went to bed last night feeling totally at ease for the first time in many months. This morning was the first in eons I awoke with not a single care in the world.
My poor H. I have much to make up for. I really put him thru the wringer for no apparent reason. It's a wonder he remained so steadfast and true throughout my suspicous ordeal. He really held us together...I can see that now. While I was spazing out on my paranoid bender he stood up to the plate and took every hit I gave him...and stood by me the whole time. What the hell was I thinking?
Having said that tho...this sitch really opened both our eyes and jumpstarted our R/M in a very positive manner. Things haven't been the same since and never will be...but in a good/better way. I'll be forever grateful for Michele's SSM book...without it our lovelife would never have changed...that I'm certain of. H's been making a tremendous effort to be a more frequent and attentive lover...much to my delight.
I slipped into bed quite late last night. H was restless and asked if I had been reading the "deep-sea scrolls" again. That's his reference to my on-line reading. I said yes and said I was doing my "therapy" on myself. I told him I loved him and he responded he loved me very much, too. We both fell asleep holding hands under the covers. When he called home on his lunch a while ago I could hear a lilt in his voice I haven't heard in a while. Altho he'd have no idea what changed in me or what caused the change...I know he can sense the difference in me today. His voice was raised in a normal tone and he even mentioned "her"...something that hasn't happened in ages. Maybe now he can quit walking on eggshells and I will stop being so susupcious and we can get on with our new life. Life's good today.
I'm glad you and hubby are getting back on track. That is great news.
I do feel like I should address a couple of minor points, lest they ever jump up and bite you in the future.
As to the looks or sexual preferences of people, and their predilection toward an affair, don't give them any weight whatsoever. People can and will do anything, with anyone, given the right circumstances.
Example. A long time friend of mine left his wife and family for a lesbian activist. Eventually they married, and are now quite unhappy.
In my pre-married days, I had a number of lesbian 'friends'. Just because someone is gay, doesn't preclude them from enjoying both sides of the gender pool.
The appearance mismatch of affair partners is legend. It happens so often that it is considered normal.
Don't be taken aback by my musings. It sounds like you and hubby are in a good place. I do think that both of you should discuss all of the concerns you had, and his as well, openly and honestly.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks, NOPkins. I appreciate your honesty and I agree with everything you said. I know too well about gays enjoying "both sides of the gender pool"...I worked for a lesbian doctor and she and her friends routinely swapped back and forth between sexes, so that's why I was worried about this co-worker of H's. I won't leave anything to chance, ever.
As far as looks go...well, I agree with that, too. I've seen it happen to people I've known. But it made me happy just the same to discover she hasn't got anything over me in that dept.
I'm still waiting for "Not Just Friends" to arrive and I'll get into it as soon as it gets here. I'll make sure the H sees it lying around here, in case he's interested.
I will initiate some chats with the H about the concerns I had, as well as his own. I'm not one for sweeping any thing under the rug and will make sure this whole scenario doesn't get shrugged off like it never happened.
You're right about it sounding like we're in a good place. And it's better than it ever was before. H continues to talk about our future together and we appear to be on the same page about everything in general...and otherwise.
I'm not fooling myself into thinking that everything will be hunky-dory on my end thought wise. I've trained my brain the past 8-9 months to go to places its never been before, and I realize that now I'll have to get it back on track. Got any suggested readings or advice on that to help the transition along?
In case you've wondered, I think the one single issue that caused me so much concern and paranoia about the OW was the not knowing if she was in fact lesbian or not. I had it in my head that it was a total ruse to disguise something else with. I somehow felt alot calmer just knowing that. Having said that tho...I'll never let my guard down about any OW. Not that I ever have, but I'll just pay more attention in general. I'm not feeling like I'll have to continuously operate in covert mode to keep on top of things, but I'm just going to keep an eye open at all times.
I'm not taken aback by your musings at all...I welcome any thoughts and insights you may have about my sitch. I know a wise man when I hear one.
I received my copy of "Not Just Friends" late Friday afternoon. Imo this book and SSM should be mandatory reading for every couple out there. In one read the SSM book has dramatically transformed our 26 yr M into an almost newlywed like atmosphere. I've already done alot of reading in NJF and even got the H to listen to a few parts I read outloud and he read some on his own. It's quite the eye-opener and we're both impressed.
H and I have discussed things on and off throughout the weekend. All talks were calm and friendly and much was accomplished in the way of building trust, for my benefit. When I told H that my biggest issue was feeling threatened by the LOW, he was genuinely flabbergasted and shook his head saying that no way should I feel that way because he has absolutely no interest in her and never has...and that he doesn't want me feeling that way because she means nothing to him personally. He admitted that when she started working in his dept he was ecstatic because she required very little training and has helped greatly in picking up the slack in his dept...allowing H to focus on other matters. H's line of work is extremely high-stress (construction sales)and his dept had been grossly understaffed and overworked the past few years, so it was actually a godsend to have her join the team when she did. H says she makes a point of emphasizing her lesbianism and lifestyle and as a result has turned-off a large majority of the employees within the company. He says she's ok as a person, but otherwise the only thing he truly values about her is her reliability and contribution to his group, and to the company as a whole. He said that when she first started working there, the office atmosphere was being suffocated with company politics, and that he had actually feared getting laid-off, as the company was considering more downsizing at the time. He said he often felt sick about it and spent many restless/sleepless nights over it and wasn't feeling particularily hopeful about things in general. He thinks those dark moods of his are what I incorrectly detected/interpreted as his apparent lack of interest in/towards me and our M. He swears he never had or developed any type of feelings towards the LOW not even in the way of a fleeting infatuation or fantasy. He said that physically/emotionally and even intellectually she holds no attraction for him whatsoever and that I needn't worry about or feel threatened by her. He says she couldn't hold a candle to me if her life depended on it. Man...those are the words I needed to hear.
While we were out today I brought up the point about the yellow sticky thingy I found in his wallet with her phone numbers on it. His orginal story about it was that he had likely been cleaning out his wallet at his desk like he had done numerous times before, and that he probably inadvertently shoved it into the wallet by mistake without realizing it. He said the same thing again today when I mentioned it and I laughed rolling my eyes with tongue in cheek. On that note he smiled and said "let's make a side trip...I wanna show you something." He drove us straight to his office. He took my hand and led me to his desk, which I haven't seen in over 2 years. And there it was in all its glory...with yellow sticky thingys stuck all over the top of the desk, on binders, the phone, the computer, the wall...they were everywhere! So it would seem then his theory on how her number got into his wallet isn't so farfetched afterall.
I have this theory now that our problems since last fall resulted from a serious lack of physical intimacy in our M. Prior to our reading SSM this past spring, it had been almost 10 years since we last ML...that ain't no joke. Since last fall I lost two of the most signifigant women in my life...a long time friend, and my Mom. My mother had been hospitalized for many months before her death so it had been a stressful time for me. H said he didn't mention his worries at work because he didn't want to burden me. Then along comes LOW and all hell breaks loose. Naught was lost tho...a valuable lesson was learned here, albeit in a painful way. If you have something you cherish...you better nurture it in every way required...lest you should lose it.
My heartfelt thanks to those here who reached out to save me in my moments of utter despair. NOPkins...I think you're the greatest and I wish you and Mrs. NOP all the best life has to offer.
I know it's sounding like I'll never come back here, but I will. If I run into any snags I know where I can come for unwavering support. In the meantime I'll work on mending the bridge with the H and will continue to read posts and educate myself further on things of the marital nature. Who knows...maybe I can even help that cheating girlfriend of mine to mend her fences with her H, too.
