I know, I know, thinking about ow is worthless and useless and counterproductive. It would just be a lot easier to get her out of my mind and keep her out of my mind if I didnt have to see her. EVER....
But you are all 110% positively right in that I need to focus my energies on expanding the positives in my life....so ......that is what I'm gonna get back on track on...........ummmmm, so, weekend plans....yes, I do have some....
for me, for "us" and more "global"...all for this weekend... so, here goes: For Me: I am going to workout Friday and Saturday; I am going to do a bit of clothes shopping, and getting really wild here: I'm going to get a darker self-tanning lotion and put it on...oh, also I am ordering an exercise tape I've been going to get for ages, I will do that this afternoon or this evening.
For "us"....I am going to just relax and enjoy spending some time together...I'm going to pick up a "racy" movie (H mentioned this) and some massage lotion, and we shall see what happens...I'm planning on having this available for Sat. night.
"Global"....H and I are going to work on putting up his weight machine this weekend. It probably sounds weird, but we've been trying to get this done for a good 6 months now...it will benefit all of us, H has promised I can use it (it has some of the same exercises I use at the fitness center), it will help H a lot, and S almost-13 is wanting to start doing some weights. I've been really discouraging that because I feel very frightened with him trying to do free weights if his dad wasnt there (afraid he'll do it then) and also about growth-plate injury...but now he's at an appropriate age to do some light workouts, and with the machine it cant dump the weights on him...so ....it would be great to get that up. I also want to frame some family photos to put up in the ....where else...family room. I've been going to start on that for ages...this weekend I will start, at least by sorting out the photos and the corresponding frames.
See, I have plans....I just need more weekend to get them into.
ummmmmmmmm, ok, I am beginning to think (believe, trust?) that things really are going ok, from the standpoint that ow truly is history. That leap of faith is so hard to make, but developments last night and this morning lead me closer and closer to that conclusion.... so, to update: last night: I went from work to the fitness center; i tried to call and leave a message that I would be late, but my cell was dead, I decided oh well, he'll have a little mystery to deal with. H was home when I got there, and asked where I'd been....I just ran my hands through my sweaty hair and said "guess"...we chatted and just had a pleasant conversation for a few minutes. later I mentioned that i would like for us to go away overnight before S comes home...H asked what I had in mind....I mentioned this little b&b cottage an hour from here, in the middle of no where. h said he wasnt too keen on it, but he'd give it a try if I wanted to...then he said he'd like to visit a musuem in the town where his office is that he hasnt been to, and some of the shops...which I agreed to...then he got kinda "weird" that he really wants to get his weight room done and some yard work so we can do the cook-out with co-workers we've been talking about...got kinda irritated....walked away, went to lift weights. I just backed off. a short time later, he came back and said he was sorry for getting irritable, but he just really does want to get this other stuff done because it seems to never happen. I told him that was fine, I agree we need to focus on that, but that I want us to also get to do somethings together...alone together...and am anxious for that. then he suggested a tiny historic town we've talked about going to for years and never done....sounded great to me...so we've kind of settled on that "soon", meaning within the next month, we will go there for an overnight....
I feel it's hugely significant for H to be coming back to me to apologize; he's done this several times in the last month or so. This is VERY different from the pattern of our entire marriage...always before he would have this huffy, "I'm right so that's it" attitude. So I see this as big, a concious effort on his part, that must be kind of difficult.
just before bed we watched tv for a bit, sitting in our separate chairs in the FR...out of the blue, H looked at me and said "By the way, I love you, and I really appreciate all of your efforts"....I got kind of choked up, and said "I love you too, so much, and I appreciate the things you've been doing, too. I know it's been hard for you sometimes" H said " how do you know that?" and I said "I just do"...just then the phone rang (kids calling ) so that discussion didnt get pursued, but I still think it's big that he said that out of the blue of his own initiative.
this morning, I told him how much I appreciate his efforts to reassure me, that it helps a lot, and that I think I'm beginning to do better with my anxiety. That I'm still working on it and intend to keep working on it. h said something about we were both doing the best we can...i mentioned that I had seen her yesterday and that is still a trigger, and I commented "I wonder how long it will take"...probably not a good thing to say, but I was kinda thinking outloud there....and H said " I don't know, I guess until you don't feel anxious anymore, but there is nothing for you to be anxious about"...then somehow, I don't recall how the conversation took the turn, but H said that she doesnt email him or anything anymore, that he has told her he doesnt want to hear from her or see her, and that she is respecting that. that he gets to the main office and leaves for out of town early and doesnt even see her come in. I was surprised he had told her that, (it's what I've been praying for for months and months!!!!) and said so....I expressed my surprise...h said yes, he had told her that....That she was getting back into that "Lets just be friends" mode, and hanging around, which has been my worst fear, I know that's how she keeps her hooks into him enough to manipulate him into going back, which is what she does to keep it all going. I really see her "break ups" as an effort to manipulate him into feeling like SHE's what he cant afford/doesnt want to lose so that he will finally leave home for her. Anyway, H said "having that going on just stirs stuff up all over again and keeps it going" (DUUUUHHHH!)and "I told her if it's over it's over and thats what it needs to be". Then H said she called in sick Tuesday (the day he was here in this office) and he felt soooooo much better not having to see her then. (hmmm, he initiated ml that night, too). I was surprised and said "she did" ...and he got kind of defensive and said "yes, you can check it out"...I told him I didnt want to check it out, I try to avoid thinking about her, that I was questioning him, just commenting...and he seemed to calm down a little.
I am certain this is the first time he has ever told her "if it's over it's over" and made any effort to resist her efforts to start things up again...I know he's told her "no contact" and then when she starts whining around in a month or so, he jumps right back in and away it all goes.....
I don't know, this just feels big this time....ahhhhh, also this feels big because it is the FIRST TIME he has been this open about it all....
I havent heard much from H today, email wise, but I'm trying not to be anxious about it. Actually doing pretty well....however, it did occur to me in reflecting on H's comments this morning that yep, she's been trying to get things fired up again. However, H seems to be adamant at this time, and has been for a couple of weeks, that I have nothing to be anxious about!!!!!!!!
The nerve of that b---h, though....she will never give up! How I hope H makes it stick this time!!!!!
I obviously need to focus my energies on making things so good that I'm the obvious choice....which means really means I gotta get back on track....
I did have something interesting, very interesting happen though, totally unrelated to h/r/m/ow/dbing....anything. I can't believe this....anyway, so weird. but great. i have this really nasty ugly painful varicose vein on the inside of my left calf. It's been there since I got blood clots when I was pregnant with D 23 years ago....Dr. has sent me to a surgeon to consult about it, but he didnt want to remove it...so anyway, I've been stuck with it. Now, I am incredibly skeptical of "natural" remedies. but last Friday I stopped by the health food store to pick up a scented oil (part of my GAL plan, so maybe it is all related) and saw a bottle of Horse Chestnut herbs....thought oh, what the heck, it probably won't hurt...bought it....have been taking it for a week tomorrow. I know, I should have checked with my physician, which I havent, but will.... But, this is amazing ....that ugly nasty thing has stopped hurting, the swelling has gone down, it has shrank and NEARLY DISAPPEARED. I noticed it didnt hurt as much 2 days after I started taking the horse chestnut, and thought then it was perhaps the placebo effect. but now I'm certain it has changed unbelievably. the area around it used to be all hot to the touch, now it is the same temp as the surrounding tissue, it doesnt hurt, swelling is visibly lessened, and the vein itself is hardly visibly at all, after years of being ugly and purple. I even asked H last night about it....and he agreed with me that it is much different. so different HE was shocked.
Now if I could just find something like that for weight!
oh, it was a tough night. If anyone has any insight/experience to share, I sure need to hear it. especially of the "this too shall pass" kind....this is so difficult right now. I got home about 9 last night, H was working out. we watched tv; H looked so down he looked like he was about to cry. I commented on how sad he looked and he started talking about how sad he was feeling, and how hard it is with the weekend coming up. I listened, said I wished I could "love it away"...H said well come here and do it then...I hugged him and he initiated ML, which didnt work for him (again). He was frustrated and got up and left the room to go to our bedroom. I went up and he was getting in bed, made a comment that "we'll have to figure this out better"...his comment is that there's not enough sensation for him...that I'm too "wet"...could be....I don't know...anyway, went to bed, went to sleep. Sometime in the night I woke up and realized that he was awake, tossing and turning...I said something to him, don't remember what, but the flood gates opened again. He talked for hours. about how demanding she was, how he needs reciprocity in a relationship and she has no concept of it, it's always a matter of taking care of her and meeting her needs and demands. how she fights and argues. Then he started to cry about how awful he feels because he had to get mean and tell her he didnt even want to see her face or talk to her to get her to stay away, because she's back to her "just be friends" mode...uses his concern for her D to pull him back in, saying "don't you want to know how K's doing"...but he found her letters to her last live-in and she did that then with him, so he sees it but it still makes him feel awful. That he's told her even if he got divorced he would not be with her, ever, period. BUT he still feels so awful for all the pain he's caused her....I just listened, but it hurt to hear how much pain he's caused HER...not a word about his real family...He also mentioned how she stopped sleeping in pajamas (puke).......We/he talked for several hours, I mostly listened except for pointing out that no matter how bad he feels about hurting her, she knew from the start what the sitch was and she purposely chose a course of action. To me that is very different than if she had not known he was M. H agreed.....and says she owns that.
H initiated ML again, THIS time it worked for him, which makes me think some of this emotional stuff of his is part of the problem. I know it was after 4 am before i went back to sleep, I dont think he ever did.
This morning h was quite distant, no hugs or kisses even, woke me up with coffee, and went out to do chores without much contact at all. Was in the bathroom when I left for work, although he didnt sound as "down"...
I told him in our discussion how often I have debated to myself if I was doing the right thing to stay and try to wait it out, that often I thought it would be better for all if I just let him go if that's what he needed to be happy. H said that would be devastating....he was glad I waited. Said that if I had put pressure on him from my side, it would have turned out differently (I guess there's a message there for all of us), how we had been so distant and he had been so lonely at the beginning of the A that it made perfect sense at the time....a lesson there, too.
but I don't know what to take from this...I guess his opening up is good, and obviously I've got enough of a handle on my emotions and reponses that he now feels safe to do that. Is it good for him to be "spilling his guts" to me like this???? Am I handling it right to just listen, and maybe gently point out a few BIG issues???? h mentioned last night how he could never have this kind of discussion with her, that she would always back him into a corner until he had to come out fighting in self protection, that it wasnt possible to decide not to argue or fight, and often you didnt even know what it was about.
So do I keep encouraging him to open up???? somehow in my tortured mind, it seems that he is less likely to go back to her if he can get it all out by talking it through, and that it's a chance for me to come across as the stable, dependable one. Kind of like draining a wound I guess.
And now I have a really weird question about sex WARNING, QUITE explicit...
Is there anything that can be done to REDUCE vaginal lubrication???? I don't think i've ever heard of that kind of a problems for a woman "my age" (lord I hate that term)....I know it seems really weird to worry about....
I'm kinda all over the place today, gotta run to a meeting...
Hi Deb, I can't be sure what to think about your H telling you so many things about the A and OW ??? My H refused to talk about it all! I do know that the fact that you are really "listening" is a very good thing that your H is definitely seeing. I (also) believe you are wise not to say anything negative in regards to all your H is relaying to you. As hard as it is to swallow, please know that it is VERY common for the offending spouse to not "see" how all of what they have done has damaged/hurt others involved. My H did not ever address "me" and how it made "me" feel .. until almost two years later ... ??
I may be naive, but I guess I have never ever heard of too much lubrication .. ? In several of my trips to Barnes and Noble, I tried to educate myself in this area .. trying new things, etc.. "How To Come On To Your Lover", etc.. ? Anything to try to "spice things up"! Have you ever heard of kegel exercises? They can(and DO!) do wonders for your personal AND your H's satisfaction ...
Continue concentrating on yourself Deb .. take your eyes off of OW!! Keep on "morphing" into the best Deb you can be! It may take time, but I have no doubt that your H WILL eventually see all of the wonderful "you" and wonder what the heck he was thinking of!!
Deb, he seems to have loads of guilt and needs to talk to relieve himself of some of it. I don't think the sex problem is really your fault. He's having some emotional issues that are causing the problem. He seems to want to connect with you that way but the guilt is getting in the way. I think time and your forgivness and unconditional love are going to get you both through this. And a little spicing up in the bedroom (or wherever) is fun too!
Just keep listening and finding things to validate. Don't encourage him to talk or point out any "big" issues. This may put him on the defense. Just let him talk when he initiates it. Otherwise don't talk about it. Just keep being his friend. He sounds like my H, he was lonely cuz things weren't right in your M and he went looking for comfort. I bet your H never really loved her, she just comforted him for a while. Now he is totally uncomfortable with her but is having a hard time working through his guilt.
Time and patience are important here. And don't push, and don't try to fix. Just let him get through it on his own time and be there when he needs you. I think you are doing great!
It seems to me that maybe he should speak with a counselor, if he is able to? I don't know that you should play the role of confidant about his affair to that extent. Someone else who is not involved at all can also point out to him how hurt you were and such.
As far as the whole lubrication thing - I've never heard of "too much". I think it's just an excuse for him not being able to emotionally at that time. He certainly doesn't want you dry! Dryness really can be a problem.
A more powerful version of kegels is to use ben-wah (sp?) balls. Sort of a weight-lifting idea. Just use them in the morning as you get dressed and do makeup etc, and you'll be stunned at the difference. I have a friend who was going to need surgery due to incontinence after 4 births... this solved it and she didn't need the surgery. And when she told me about the 'fringe benefits' I was sold. Makes a huge difference.
ummmmm, thanks Anna. I have heard of this, but I don't know the first thing about it. do you know where i might get more info????? I am so niave, I guess.
