Deb, please, please try to trust just a little. Not just for him but for your own piece of mind. I know exactly what you were feeling just then--I felt it so many times myself--anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, hopelessness. All because of a trigger that made you decide something bad was going to happen. I've done it too and it takes time to get over it. Patience and TIME. My H told me many times that we did have a chance of getting together but that he needed me to stop assuming and getting myself all worked up. He was done with OW but he was afraid I would be clinging to him all the time, and I would be suspicious of everything. He didn't come back home until he was sure I had been able to change that. And I wanted to change it for my own sanity too. Thank God for this program, my C and prozac cuz that's what got me through. The people on this board are life savers.
When something triggers you, come here and vent--don't send him an e-mail and then come here. Come here first and get the support to help you through without going to him. I know you can do this, Deb!
It was in the past that he told the lies about the weekends thinking you would believe them. He has now fessed up to those lies and I honestly dont think he would use the same excuse.
Now is the time you have to take that huge leap of faith. As I have told you before, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But if you don't you will drive him away. The guilt is already eating at him and you are making it worse by questioning him at every turn (no matter how justified your concerns are) He cannot live in a bubble. He cannot quit his job right now. He can however keep his word, but you have no control over whether or not he does. That is where the leap of faith comes in.
Go home tonight and tell him you are sorry you reacted so badly, it is just that this news has come so close to all of his recent disclosures. You have not had enough time to digest it all and trust in it. Tell him you are working on it and understand that life does not move at your pace and you are trying to catch up. You are doing your best.. Ask him if he minds if you tag along the first few times or so to make yourself feel more secure.... Tell him you see the differences you have mentioned, you are trying to trust in them and appreciate all of his effort....
Hang in there Deb. You will have his understanding for awhile but it is gonna wear thin if you cannot get a handle on it. The hurt will be no different if he is lying again... you cannot protect yourself with your fears.....
let go and give him (yet another) chance. I know you really want this to work and you have nothing more to lose.
Debra, you are such a wise woman. I just emailed you saying I wasnt sure how I was going to handle tonight, and here you gave me the answer, and as always one that's right on target.
you're right, he never confessed to his lies before, which he certainly did a couple of weeks ago when he told me he'd been lying all along, that they'd never broken up.
I know I've gotta get a handle on it, you are so right it's the hardest thing I've ever ever done. I guess I'm only jus t now realizing how totally "gone" my trust in him truly is. but I see and understand as well that it's unrealistic and even unfair to expect him to live his life in a bubble within my sight, and how will he ever open up to me if I cant keep a lid on my reactions?????
I am absolutely exhausted. Damn train hit me again.
I know. The exhaustion this type of emotional upheaval brings is incredible.
Go home, get take out so you dont have to cook. Say what you have to say to H, then tell him you are going to get some much needed rest. Being emotional exhausted does not help you at this point, but a good nights sleep will do a world of good. Probably for both of you.
Dont beat yourself up too bad. The decisions you have made are tough ones and this road you have chosen is not an easy one at all. This will be far harder on you than on him but unfortunatley that will never be acknowledged.
Let us know how you are doing in the morning. Remember tonight is all about validating his concerns you will not be able to let go of this. You can do it deb, it is just not gonna happen overnight. love debra
Hi Deb- You have such good friends and support here! Please try to take it easy tonight. Believe me, our situations are so similar that I can feel your pain.
Only, just last week I was wishing that my H would open up the way yours has. He probably wants to tell you all the ugly stuff to see if you'll still love him.
I know what it is like to not trust. Here's a funny thing that just happened to me. H is going to the PromiseKeepers conferene at the end of June. He needs to find a hotel. So I was looking at the internet history and the hotels.com website comes up with a search for Phila for a room for 2 adults but the date is the middle of the following week. So I'm getting stressed out and thinking, oh he's going with OW. Well, I logged onto my work computer and went to hotels.com and it automatically pulls 2 adults and those dates into the search. So, I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for no reason. And I had visions of me saying to H- why are you searching for a room for two people?!
Deb - it is hard to offer any advice here. He hasn't shown he can be trusted, and he was lying to you the last time when he kept saying that everything was okay, and that it was over.
At the same time, you don't want to be too reactive. I think it's good that you are talking to the lawyer and such, THAT is a better outlet (making sure you are covered if you need it) than taking anything out on your husband.
I would doubt that he'd give the same excuse as well, though who knows? He did it before. He should understand that after a couple of years of an affair - and many, many lies - that he'll need to earn your trust.
I'm going through similar thing with my H. When trust is broken getting it back is the hardest thing. It does take a huge leap of faith. Faith in yourself that you will be okay if it turns out your trust was misplaced. Trust that you will be okay even if it doesn't turn out the way you want.
I should take my own advice. Thanks for letting me clarify how I should approach the same issue on your thread!
Hi all. thanks, Debra and DFB and WN and Hope for all your support.
Last night was interesting, and actually I think a major turning point. some pretty big/amazing things actually happened. you will never believe this, but I am beginning to believe H that it is over, and that we will make it.
This has been such a time of upheaval lately, but maybe that is what needed to happen. I am so tired today I could have slept all day. and I slept like a log last night and overslept this morning on top of that.
Debra, bless your heart, your note about how to respond when he came home last night helped me so much. I printed it off, and must have read it a dozen times just to get it set in my mind what I was going to say and do. It is currently stashed under the silverware tray in my kitchen drawer, which is where I shoved it in a hurry when I heard him coming in last night.
so, to try to recap (this may be long, sorry, but a lot of stuff happened that seemed big that I want to be sure to journal) H came in the door a little after 8, looking absolutely like he was scared to come in, the look of trepidation on his face was palpable. I could tell he didnt know what to expect, but was pretty much expecting a huge nasty scene. I looked at him, took a breath to try to stay collected. H said "what?" defensively and I just said "it's nice to see you"....with that he put his arms around me and hugged me, and said "I'm so sorry to have upset you this afternoon. I didnt mean to at all, I was just blowing off steam at the increasing paperwork load" then he said "here, I want to show you this"....and he had a printed copy of all his scheduled appointments for this week. he pointed out to me that he has about 8 more appointments booked than he would in a "normal" week....I saw it in black and white, he really is booked tight. He said "I will not go this weekend to do the paperwork, even if it puts me behind"....Then, unprompted, he said "or you could go over with me and we could have breakfast or something"! I told him what I'd rehearsed from your note, Debra: that I was struggling with everything being so "fresh" from the recent revelations, and that it just set things off for me....that I was working on it, but it was taking me a while...that I don't expect him to live in a bubble under my watchful eye, but that it all sounds so much like what I've heard before that it's very difficult. That I would love to go with him Saturday, that even breakfast at McDonalds would be fun....
Ok, this seems huge to me....I keep thinking why? several reasons come to mind: this is the first time he has ever made distinct efforts to provide me with reassurance that I've told him I so desperatly need. Obviously he put time and effort on his own into trying to figure out HOW to give me some reassurance, and did what he thought might help...as in printing off his schedule...saying he wouldnt go this weekend....INVITING ME ON HIS OWN TO GO WITH HIM!
Then he apologized several times, for upsetting me yesterday afternoon, but also for the A and all the pain...I counted 6 times last night that he apologized.
Then he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him. Of course I jumped at the chance, we walked for a little over an hour and he talked the whole time about the A and the breakup and answered questions.
So many things were discussed it's hard to remember them all. I'm trying to recall...sure I'll leave a lot of them out. so...things he told me...bits and pieces about how their relationship worked (not the sex, I wont listen to that and he hasnt tried) and the parts that didnt work and ultimately brought them to the point of ending it: things that were appealing included her childish excitement about things, her (puke) devotion to him, her daughter--evidently he read the same stories, etc., to her he read to our D when she was younger. Strange, but I always thought that was a part of the "pull", he was such a proud papa to his "little girl"...and I sensed he was really in a lot of grief when she went to college, then found her H, but he would never open up about it....although he certainly loves "my little boy"....somehow he felt what he saw as the loss of D so strongly.
Things that doomed their R: ow's temper and demands; her unreliability and unpredictibility (abosolutely drove him up the wall)her disorganization (ditto) ...
H talked about taking her to museums , mentioned that she loved it and had never been places like that before, said, "it was weird, because they were places we would/had gone just as a matter of routine for our family". I'm not sure why that seems significant, I guess because I'm picking up that it somehow fullfilled a need H has to what....see that he's "teaching", showing people new things, being appreciated? all of the above, probably.
H talked about the horrible guilt that he felt, about the stress of lying and deciding what to say and having to remember what he said. That that is not who he is or the kind of person he is and he came to hate himself for that.
I mentioned that I have thought that recently he has seemed more at peace, more relaxed....he thought, and agreed, said "I'm sure I do, because I am, you can not imagine the hell of living with that, it is terrible".
He said that he found himself becoming constantly angry and irritable from their relationship, and hated that in himself as well, but that he had learned from that that who you are in partnership with really does affect your perception of the world and how you respond, that he always thought of himself as such a calm, even tempered person, (I also see him that way) but that it got to the point where he was always furious and ready to fight at the drop of a hat for no reason because she was constantly angry.
H mentioned that ow had a lot of traits that make it so difficult to be in a relationship...that you are either wonderful beyond words or a piece of s--t, and when you are wonderful you are on a pedestal, but it is terrifying because you know you are going to fall and become the lowest piece of scum, and there is nothing you can do to prevent the fall. Said he used to spend hours trying to think what he could do to prevent the "fall", the fights', etc., and there wasn't a thing he could do, that it became exhausting. And there were times when he came home from getting his butt chewed by her to get it chewed by me....but "you never cut me to the bone like she did" (I didnt ask about that)...I just said "you got bit on both cheeks, huh?" and he agreed, mentioned his blue sweatshirt still being stretched out from both me and ow grabbing it and shaking him.
H talked about the sheer exhaustion from trying to do everything at 2 places: mow one lawn, run and mow another; bring the xmase decorations up from the basement here and there, take them back to the basement here and there.
Said ow is "being firm", but that they have both decided it was time to end it, that after she read my emails a couple of weeks ago she said that was what had to happen, and he agreed. That that R had become so horribly painful that he couldnt go on living with it. that it just got worse and worse all the time.
I asked why they stayed together for so long when it was so painful, and he said it was because there really were some fun times, and that it seemed important to be absolutely sure before letting go.
H said that she has emailed him at work, but only about "appropriate, unavoidable work stuff", like asking him to take a case, etc.; he brought this up on his own. That the extent of their conversation is a passing "hi" in the hall, as with anyone. I asked if it's hard to see her on Tuesdays, and he said he really doesnt much, that yesterday he had to go to the med records room, she was at the copier located just outside the door way, he went to another room and waited a minute and she was gone and he didnt see her anymore.
He said that it helps so much having "the kids" as coworkers in the out of town office, because they are funny and talkative and energtic and it gives him a lift and helps keep his mind off of her...
Said that ow had been "living from guy to guy", moving in with one then another....I kinda knew that, didnt know H would EVER see that...and of course h commented how bad that was for her D...I mentioned it wasnt healthy for ow, either. geez, how can anybody live like that?
That she has gone back to church, gone to confession (that's a big thing for a cradle catholic) and that part of her penance/atonement was to write me a letter of apology...I still have that noted in my calendar for shortly after hell freezes over.
I told H thanks for sharing, that it helps me a lot, and he looked really concerned, and said "Really? it does? are you sure, because I don't want to do anything that doesnt"....
H initiated ML at bedtime, no performance problems (?????); this morning I got an email from him at 9 that ended with "love you"...got a response to the one I sent him saying "thanks for the email, it was nice" and "don't sweat it, this is just going to take some time and I know that"....
so, again, I'm starting to believe it must really be over. H has never shared like this with me before, ever actually. And last night I did fine listening. I even was able to hear about her health problems, which is where I blew up last time.
I have to say, its probably a good thing we talked for hours, because this morning ow's vehicle is parked right outside my office window. it would have probably been driving me nuts before, this morning I'm able to think well, she probably just parked there in her state of disorganization...since h talked about how she cant even remember to set an alarm clock.
This is absolutely awesome news! WOO HOO! I can sense your feelings of some relief and relaxation. You are going to make it. Just keep DBing as your new way of life and wonderful things are going to happen. Yes, it will take time and patience, but it will be soooo worth it! You are a strong, loving, caring person and it is showing! Your H knows he is in the right place and I know he is thankful you are still there.
, mentioned that she loved it and had never been places like that before, said, "it was weird, because they were places we would/had gone just as a matter of routine for our family". I'm not sure why that seems significant, I guess because I'm picking up that it somehow fullfilled a need H has to what....see that he's "teaching", showing people new things, being appreciated? all of the above, probably. 