Quote: But stay the course and maybe relax a little, I still sense urgency.
I know. I definitely need this. I actually don't know how you all manage to go days and weeks without contact. And that's when you have kids together. I can't comfortably go a day. I don't have much pain or worry, but my ex is frequently on my mind, even when I'm having fun. But I managed a Monday with no contact and I'm working on Tuesday. She hasn't called or e-mailed and I intend to wait it out. But the bad thing is that this is a struggle for me. Clearly I'm the furthest thing from detached.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My WAW and D3 are the first things on my mind when I wake up and the last when I hit the sack. And if I happen to awake in the night for any reason they are still there. And I think about them constantly. Am I detached? I have not called her for non-specific reasons for over two months now. And I never email her unless there is a need. So, while your WAW stays in your mind constantly it is possible for you to resist the impulse to make contact. It will become easier over time.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Not a weenie . . . just in love or infatuation or something. You are deathly afraid, as I have said, if you lose contact, you lose. You lose her, hope, the R, the idea, the future, the past, everything.
You have to separate not having contact and not having an R or a life.
Is it Dobson who talks about letting go? Letting go of the fear? This is what I feel (with NO pyschological training) you need to do. Let go of the fear.
As I read, "Live with the fear or dance with her."
Detachment is very hard for me as well. In fact, the less I see my W the better it goes for me.
You are doing well, bud. It is enviable to have as much contact as you do w/ your W. I understand the level of frustration you feel when she wants to do things together w/ you, yet her desires about the R don't move forward the way you'd like.
I would never fault you for your level of pursuit as I don't know how I could deal w/ a sitch like yours. Keep trying to avoid pursuit as an exercise in self control for your own self-improvement. I have been failing in that arena as well.
I have a small question. Probably 3-4 times in the last month the opportunity has arisen where my ex will say something along the lines of "that's because you love me" or "because you have a crush on me". It's not during a R talk. We have very few of those. It's if I compliment her on something and she says "that's not true". The way I have answered so far has been to confirm that I do love her (although that's not the reason I say you are "hot"). Though last time I said..."I don't even like you". Any suggestions? Does she want me to still be in love with her? And confirm it? What would you answer?
UPDATE: She just called while I was typing. Asked if the cat was in the house. She went to walk the dog and didn't see the cat. We had a pleasant talk, although I find I can't shut up and just listen. Oh well. The silence was broken. We went in together on her dad's b-day present so we'll give it together tomorrow.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The odds are she is deflecting any feelings she or you may have and exhibit. As we've noted, countless times, we really cannot guess what is going on in there, though many profess to understand the WAS behavior driven by depression, unhappiness, need, etc.
I have a question, how would she know the cat is not there? Is she still coming and going in the house? I guess you have access to her place?
If you compliment her, ask her to say thank you and accept genuine compliments you give.
Quote: Is she still coming and going in the house?
Very rarely. I haven't really said..."don't come over if I'm not there". I thought about whether or not to establish that boundary, but I do just leave the door unlocked for workers or I let her parents come walk the dog or whatever as they please also. It would be a sudden change if I developed a closed door policy with her. On the other hand I do have a closed door policy with my first wife so why not with this one? I imagine that will develop over time if we are never together again. She used to just come in. At least now she knocks. I guess it is really not something I care much about. Although when I find someone else it will be a much bigger deal.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Not much new to post. One observation I've noted is that my ex is always implying that I think bad things or want bad things for her. When she called yesterday she was talking about her time of the month and that it was bad this time. I was just asking some routine GYN questions to make sure the period was normal (guess what? I just realized that I didn't just listen and say I'm sorry...I went into Mr fix it mode...ugghh). Anyway, we got to talking about cancer and she says "you want me to have a slow and painful death". That's a theme that's been running through this R since the bomb. She feels I am angry at her. Whatever I'm doing I haven't impressed upon her that I'm not mad or spiteful.
So anyway, she calls last night while the boys and I are eating. I was cheery. Another one of those convos that don't go anywhere. I keep thinking she's waiting to tell me something or to hear something from me. How do I draw her out? I asked her if something was wrong because she sounded so down and she said "just the usual". I'm not sure what the usual is. Maybe I should have asked more questions, but I asked whether it was her kids being gone, and then just kind of filled the silence with my jabber. I did sympathize that she was feeling out of sorts and then went and did my own thing with the kids.
This morning I feel really good. I feel less of that anxiety that Bruce is always telling me about. Maybe it was a couple days of me not initiating that helped. Well that's all for now. Ta ta.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This is consistent and many theories are formulated as to why. Early on X said she knew I was mad or upset or angry at her.
I guess they project something on us, and we could guess but have no idea.
Try and listen and don't argue and say "I'm not," perhaps a good chance to validate. "I see how you could have that perception. Or your thought is valid."
Any suggestions? Does she want me to still be in love with her? And confirm it? What would you answer?
I'm just giving you a hard time.