thanks for the visit! My presentation did go well so now I'm just in (obsessive) wait mode for my grade! LOL! I'm picking up my cap and gown tomorrow.
H seems to be feeling pretty good about his exam tomorrow. He studied with his study group yesterday and I think it really helped to solidify all the work he's been doing on his own.
h seems really happy lately and has been ultra positive and affirming to me of late. He's been super verbal (which you know I love) -- he just seems really positive and upbeat. I'm psyched!
Tonight I'm cooking dinner -- porkchops with a rosemary sauch and orzo with butternut squash and sage. neither is as complicated as it sounds (I hope!). I'm planning a very relaxing evening at home!
I had a nice weekend. I took Friday off for my interview (which also went well -- going back for another one this week --whew!). Saturday I went into clean and organize mode while h studied. I got a lot done in terms of organizing my winter/spring clothes. We went to see "Upside of Anger" Sat. night. Yesterday we were going to go hiking but h found out the group was meeting so he went to that. I think (well, I know 'cause he told me) that he was really surprised and delighted that I didn't give him a hard time about going studying instead of hiking -- was I ever really that harsh? maybe. Anyway, I met him after his study group and we went and had a bite. Went home and relaxed afterwards.
I was in lazy mode this AM and skipped the gym for the first time in weeks. I'm paying for it now -- I'm horrendously grumpy!
Maybe it's post school let down or work stuff or all the interviewing but I just feel like a big bozo of late. I feel like I've been so self-centered and riled up inside -- NOT prebomb riled up but just a bit prickly -- I don't think I've been that way to h and he certainly doesn't seem to be reacting as though I have been..oh, heck, I think I just need a vacation.
A 180 for me is to shut the heck up and just enjoy myself. Sounds like a plan.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
It's my last day of work for the week -- I'm taking Thursday and Friday off to relax with h. On Friday I have yet another interview for that job...this time I'm interviewing with one of their scientific advisors. On paper he looks quite intimidating!
h had his last exam last night -- he is officially done with his second year of law school! I met him afterwards and he was so psyched and happy. He's already up and about at home (got up early than I did this AM and I had to go to work!) looking for projects and the like!
He's been really wonderful and affectionate and verbal of late. He left me a vm here at work that almost made me cry! I don't know if he senses it but I've been having a tough time lately...just feeling off balance and insecure. I'm trying to work through it myself without bringing it up to him but he's reacting as though he KNOWS anyway. I guess I'm telegraphing a bit of neediness. Trying to let that go.
Here's my beliefnet horoscope (I swear, I do not scan the net looking for astrology!):
You feel as if you are walking along the edge of a steep cliff. It is so exciting with such a great view, but one little slip and you are a goner. The thing is that it's all in your mind. There really is no cliff and if you did slip, you'd just skin your knee. But the mind is a powerful thing and it all seems so real. You can change the level of danger by changing your mind.
It really speaks to me in volume!
and, of course, my cainercast is a good reminder to me to slow down and mellow out a bit:
The purpose of life is not 'to be efficient'. If all we had to do was arrive on this planet, accomplish a particular task and then move on, we could be in and out in a matter of weeks. There would be none of this 'baby' business. We'd be born fully grown, so as not to waste time. Nor would we bother with holidays, relationships, hobbies or any of the other nonessential activities. Nonessential? Well, that's my point. It's not efficiency you need now, it's inspiration. And that's what you're about to get.
I've been reading a book that my sister recommended to a depressed friend of my other sister's (wow, that's a mouthful!). It's called "Self-Coaching" by Joseph Luciani. I'm about 1/3 of the way into it and I'm enjoying it. It's essentially about how we create our worlds through our thoughts and subsequent actions and that if our thoughts are skewed by insecurity or self-doubt that we can end up anxious or depressed. It talks a lot about negative "self-soothing" behaviors like intense needs for control or worrying incessantly or my favorite, "rumination" . I've noticed in myself lately that while my overt "controlling" actions have definitely abated, my rumination and "what-iffing" has been quite high (I'm just doing better at not translating it into negative action but I'm not sure it's doing my psyche much good!). Anyway, it's an interesting read so check it out if you happen to be a runaway thinker.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
h and I made real progress in the “having tough conversations about money” department:
Quote: What did I do differently?
1. Don't have conversations in the heat of the moment.
2. Give a head's up (casually) that something needs to be discussed and by when. DON'T make the head's up seem as though you are wanting the conversation then and there...TO AVOID conflicts, don't give the head's up in tense or difficult times, when you are rushed or sleepy, etc. IOW, even though you don't want to talk about it THEN, don't even issue the reminder in trying times.
3. No longer personalizing these issues has made a big difference a. work on related areas (mine -- CONTROL, his -- ?) b. don't ASSume that the other person is trying to send some MESSAGE by the way they handle interaction c. Soothe yourself if you can instead of bringing up every ASSumption and personalization. Do this by reminding yourself that this ISN'T personal d. DROP THE ROPE -- you do not have to control this e. Let some things roll off of your back -- things that you would have previously reacted to just IGNORE or shrug off f. STOP JUDGING what h is "doing" (or what you ASSume he's doing). Stop labelling him as irresponsible or whatever. g. NOTICE and VERBALLY THANK him for what he IS doing in this area.
Am I crazy to think that this could also apply to other areas for us?
Could I drop the rope re. the aftermath? Recognize and appreciate that we are each handling it in our best way? And that neither way is in fact "right" despite what the pundits say?
Could I stop personalizing h's actions and reactions to me in this area?
Could I stop doing "more of the same" behaviors which encourage him to personalize my actions?
Could I stop judging him? Stop making him feel as though he is irresponsible or insensitive or any of those other bad things?
Could I note and appreciate the ways in which he makes me feel safe, in which he discloses his thoughts and fears, the ways in which he has opened up instead of focusing on what he ISN'T doing?
A pattern I’ve seen again and again:
Quote: I've come to the realization (again?) that my stressed response to work and school is a big factor in my mood and reactions and interactions with h. I really need to identify (and practice!) ways that I can reduce that stress and not bring it home with me!
It’s hard to hear “you always do that” after lots of DB’ing!: Had a bit of a mini-meltdown last night -- I picked h up from the train station after class -- I was tired from school and from a group presentation I had to make. Also, I was feeling "off" and emotional due to some stuff that had happened with my class group...anyway...we got home and I was off and distracted and not doing a good job of listening to h. Old time Sage stuff...and h noted and sort of walked off. I came upstairs and apologized "I'm sorry I was distracted and trying to open the mail" and he said "that's ok...you always do that".
Sigh. NO. I USED to always do that.
I don't ALWAYS do that now. I really don't.
But, I need to take his words to heart, right? He didn't say them in anger...just observation.
Tears sprang into my eyes.
Little sage fists came out to beat myself up.
H was great...held my hand, gave me a kiss or two and some giant hugs. Told me he's worried about me -- I'm under so much stress...told me he was taking me out for a surprise date tonight (chock full of positives, no?). that's a wonderful cure for my tiredness and sadness and all.
i asked him if my stress was having a bad ripple effect onto him. He said "no" that my stress only stresses him out when he thinks it might be as a result of HIM! Is that the key? Just letting him know the source and that he HELPS?
I just like this post:
Quote: I realized a couple of things yesterday that I need to put into action...first of all, I'm trying too hard to do too much...I've got too many "balls in the air" so to speak and it's just wearing at me. I finished up a court report for my volunteer job (one of the balls!) and sent a note reminding them yet again that they NEED to assign a new person to the case in lieu of me. As much as it breaks my heart to not be working on this right now..it breaks my heart even more to realize that I'm just doing a poor job and the kids are the ones that suffer. I WILL get back to doing this work that is so important to me when I am done with school OR thru a new job.
The second thing I realized is that SO MUCH OF MY STRESS is self-created (DUH ) and is a result of an emotional spin that I put on everything (double DUH ). It's not just that I say "oh, I have so much to do for this court report" -- I say "oh, I have so much to do, and I'm not spending enough time on it, and I'm a bad volunteer and I've let the kids down and how can I fool myself into thinking...blah, blah, blah". The same thing happens with work and school and home and family and ...I throw this emotional garbage on top of everything and it gets worse the more I have on my plate.
Also...when did I stop being TRUE to myself? I don't know that I'm going to explain this well but here goes...I also think that a lot of my stress is due to the fact that I'm allowing myself to prioritize things that aren't important to my value system and deprioritizing things that are.
For example: I've spent oodles of time over the last few weeks trying to put a staffing plan together that SHOWS upper management how impossibly stretched thin we are. I keep having to go back at it because they are pretending (!!) not to get it.
They get it.
And every minute that I'm spending on that crap is a minute that I'm NOT spending on my overdue performance reviews for my people. VERY overdue.
When did I become a manager who prioritized appeasing upper management over managing my employees?
Obviously, managing up is a big part of my job but I've wrapped myself around an axle trying to appease them...I HAVE the data...I'm going to stop pussyfooting around it.
Another example...I had a group project due a few days ago. It's a pretty high powered, intelligent group of people. I actually call myself the "weak link" in the group Anyway...we met over the weekend and I raised two concerns I had with the way we were approaching our project. The general response was "yah, ok, nice points, let's move on". I left the meeting feeling very down...I personalized the responses...I felt very inadequate...I felt irked at myself that I couldn't articulate my concerns, etc.
We gave our presentation earlier this week to a panel.
They had two concerns with our presentation.
Can you guess what they were?
This is far less about "I told you so" and FAR MORE about the time that I spent doubting myself and BEATING MYSELF UP over it.
The #3 and BIG positive from last night (oh, wait, number 3 is the "it's 2:15 and I'm calling to tell you I love you" phone call I got) was that when I talked with h last night about all of the above he very earnestly took my hand in his, looked into my eyes and said "honey, I think you are doing a wonderful job keeping all the balls in the air. I do not feel the stress in our home".
This was so important for me to hear...and I told him so. I have been SO WORRIED that I was doing "more of the same" at home...you know, the pre-bomb stuff! He also told me that he thinks a part of it is that our stress levels are more evenly matched than they were then.
So...what comes out of this?
1. I have given notice yet again to my volunteer job 2. I made a doctor's appointment...I want to get my blood work done to make sure I'm not reacting to something physical 3. Stop putting an emotional overlay on everything -- use self talk 4. Start prioritizing the things that are connected to my values -- get back to prioritizing my people over process 5. Keep exercising and dieting (yahoo!) 6. Meditate 7. Respect my need for refueling and stop beating myself up for it -- take the 30 minutes for lunch I need (even though others make comments! stop personalizing!); take the alone time I need; I DO know myself and my body best. 8. RELAX!!! 9. Trust in myself. I know what the heck is going on. Stop worrying about everyone else. 10. Hang out with h as often as possible. He is my best de-stressor!
It’s good when you can put yourself in the other’s shoes:
Quote: All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with a wave of compassion and empathy for h and all that he has been thru trying to rebuild this m. with me. Maybe it's the re-reading of my thread (no doubt) but I just felt such sadness over how my insecurities have prolonged the healing. I dunno...I guess his have too in a way.
I'm not dishing out blame here. I'm not beating myself up (CHL). I guess I've just been mired in my recent bout of "I feel weird" crap for so long that I've been completely self-focused. I dunno...something just unblocked it and now I'm left wondering how to heal the hurt that's still there between us.
I don't know...I'm probably not making much sense. It was just as though I could feel hurt and sadness in h's heart -- just another version of an ASSumption, I suppose.
Notes from a book I was reading:
Quote: Read a book called "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett. Here are some notes from it:
* Your fears are all about losing control. If you want to stay in control, stay in the present instead of projecting into the future.
* Did I want to spend the rest of my life like this, blaming others for my pain, blaming past situations for my anxiety?
* Recognize the past is the past. You are in control of your present and your future. the past affects you only if you let it.
* Responsibility means the ability to respond in a situation with control and calmness. It turns out that taking responsibility, as difficult as it is initially, is the only road to peace.
* Admit you are a negative thinker. Accept your negative thinking as a bad habit that needs to be broken. Get really good at tracking your negative thoughts. Replace your negative thoughts with compassionate self-talk.
* You are what you think you are and it's all about your attitude. If you think you aren't happy, you won't be. If you think you can't be successful, you won't be. If you think you're not attractive, you won't be. If you think you can't achieve what you want in your life and you say "what about where I come from?" then my answer is "so, what about where you come from"? do you want to blame your life on your past or do you want to use it aas a motivator? Will you use your childhood as a prison wall to hld you back or as rungs of a ladder that will take you to the top of your potential?
* Begin to dream again. Be specific. Give yourself a timeline. Make a plan of action. Take action.
* Your belief system must change. You must be willing to take a risk.
*If you don't make a conscious effort to stop the analysis you'll overload your brain and feel overwhelmed. Trying to figure everything out makes it all seem complicated, confusing and it produces a tremendous amount of anxiety. Consequently, the old behavior seems easier and getting started or taking risks seems too difficult. this is a subconcious way of resisting. Try releasing this type of resistance by giving yourself a time limit. Tell yourself "All right, I'm going to analyze this for two minutes and then I'm going to stop." the mental discipline is essential to stop the pattern. At first, it may be difficult, but it works.
*Assess each stressful situation against the following options:
Eliminate -- Can you eliminate the source of stress (usually no)
Modify -- can you modifiy the source of stress (usually no)
Underreact -- Can you underreact to the situation (usually YES!)
* Trust is an unconditional surrender to a knowing deep inside yourself that everything is all right, exactly as it is. The outcome is immaterial.
Forgiveness remains an ongoing struggle for me:
Quote: I had kind of an interesting insight yesterday. I think I've mentioned before that I've struggled with forgiveness of my mom ...just had the feeling that some things "shouldn't" happen. Well, I realized yesterday that I've been carrying around this misperception -- the notion that people who LOVE you don't do certain things...and therefore, since certain things have happened, I must be without love in my life. I think it kind of comes down to feeling as though I need to be perfect (because I AM holding myself to the same criteria) and that others need to be perfect and that if we're NOT then our love is flawed.
BUT...people who love each other DO make mistakes. I HAVE hurt others who are important to me...those I love...and I have been hurt by those who love me...opening myself up to the reality that mistakes and missteps and flaws ARE part of the love experience unblocks me, I think. It allows me to see that forgiveness is not only possible but necessary -- not just for others but also for myself.
It seemed clearer when I had the epiphany yesterday
Anyway...the net is that I realized yesterday that I've been discounting the LOVE in my life based on some misperceptions about the need for PERFECTION in my actions and those around me.
More thoughts on my brain on overdrive:
Quote: I was thinking about how I'm struggling a bit lately with wanting to be ACCEPTED in my m. for ME...for my personality and traits and plusses and minuses. I was feeling a bit righteous -- like -- I want h to appreciate my organization and my thinking. I want him to accept the manner in which I'm healing...the methods (meditation, yoga, reading) that are meaningful to me, etc.
I was thinking about his statements during the bomb: how I chew stuff up and spit it out, how I'm always looking for a new "solution" in a book or something.
I started thinking "I want to be ME in our M. I want h. to be HIM. I want to be appreciated and accepted". I may have even "harumphed".
And then I started REALLY thinking...about how h told me a few weeks ago he really appreciates my taking the time to investigate solutions (to our vacation plans), how h is totally supportive when I get up in the AM to do yoga, how he keeps bringing up the meditation/yoga place that I was supposed to go to a few years ago that I couldn't go, how he thanks me for my contribution, my energy.
He DOES see the positive aspects of my personality. The "thinking" not the "chewing stuff up", etc.
Maybe the one who's resisting ME being ME is ME?
it's not fair of me to blame h or anyone else actually for not "accepting" me because the simplest truth is that I've been unable or unwilling for a long time to sit in my skin and just be me. The ultimate fear is that if I am just me, warts and all so to speak, that the entire population will just shrink back in horror. So I try to twist and turn myself to fit some mold I think I need to fit.
The hardest part is that my lack of self-acceptance just screams out "I'm not HAPPY" and "why can't we ALL be better?" and sends this mist of perfectionism over not just the way I view ME but the way folks just generally feel in my presence I think.
IOW, my inability to accept ME seems to shout the message that I find everyone unacceptable.
UGH.
How my signature line came to be!:
Quote: ...and it reminds me of the cycle that I've gotten myself into that just flies in the face of the successful DB'ing I've done..
What cycle?
You know the one...where I convince myself that I don't know how to be a good wife, then I get sidetracked and get mad because I think h hasn't talked enough about what led to the A, and then I start feeling demoralized and then I start stressing out (oh, wait, maybe I already WAS stressing out?) and then I start putting too much pressure on me, on him, and then things feel awkward and then I wonder why h doesn't tell me stuff and then I start beating me up and probably him too and...
So, what's the key?
The key is I feel like I don't know HOW to be a good wife and my anger at not rehashing the A is really about anger at not getting a laundry list from him of what he NEEDS.
But that's crap, no, because I know (at least in part) what he NEEDS...because he HAS said it, and because I've gleaned it and because when I really listen he's actually pretty clear (even though the conversation hasn't ever started "I had an A because you didn't do XYZ...").
He said "you were so angry all the time". He said "I thought our m. was already over."
I know so many of the things that work (relaxing, spending time together, listening more, etc) and so many of the things that don't (constantly looking for the next issue to solve, too much churning, acting like a time bomb, etc).
Relax. Appreciate. Observe. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Let yourself be loved. Open. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful. Share. Smile.
More book notes:
Quote: A few weeks ago I finished a book called "Addicted to Unhappiness" by Pieper. I kept meaning to post notes but kept putting it off!
Basic (overly simplified, may be BS) premise is this: As an adult, you'll do what it takes to re-create interactions that remind you of your childhood -- not only the good ones but the bad ones too.
Not trying to be anti-DB here by delving into childhoods
************ * An adult who experiences anger of disapproval from annother can evaluate the reasonableness of the other's behavior. But when children are punished or faced with disapproval for not living up to expectations that are too high, even though they may feel angry, underneath they always believe that whatever their parents do is right. As a result they conclude that whatever unhappiness they feel is what their parents intend and that they themselves will be happiest if they become just like their parents and treat themselves and others exactly as their parents treated them.
* If you are a person who turns on yourself or others when things go wrong, the first step in changing this painful behavior is to understand that unknowingly you are trying to comfort yourself by feeling the way you thought your parents wanted you to feel... when you respond to losses by turning on yourself or others, at some level you feel loved and valued.
* Experiences of genuine happiness may arouse unrecognized needs for unhappiness. You may subtly undermine positive efforts you are making toward goals...when you achieve a goal you have long sought you may experience unaccountable periods of depression, self-criticism and anxiety that you don't realize are reactions to your success.
*If your parents misunderstood your needs or for some reason were unable to attend to them, out of love for your parents and in an attempt to care for yourself exactly as they cared for you, you unknowingly developed the desire to make yourself happy by causing yourself the familiar discomfort you regularly experienced with your parents.
* Accept the fact that there is a way in which feeling badly also makes you feel comfortable or comforted. there are a wide range of painful emotions that can feel familiar and therefore soothing (depression, anxiety, fear, lack of purpose, helplessness, anger, suspicion, loneliness, self-criticism)
* Identify when you are most likely to seek out painful emotions. Once you know under what circumstances you are likely to slip into a painful mood, you may find that anticipating it will enable you to head it off.
*...she realized that after a day that had gone well she would dwell on aspects of her life that weren't perfect and would feel dissatisfied and irritable. At the same time she also noticed that when her day went badly she usually felt on an even keel.
* when people make a good friend or fall in love with a delightful person, their addiction to unhappiness can often spoil the pleasure to be had in the relationship by causing them to overlook the other's strengths and overemphasize the other's weaknesses.
* Once you have determined that the relationship is worth preserving, you need to close the door on the thought that if the going gets tough you can always walk away. Knowing that you are in the relationship for the long haul will make the conflict that is so gratifying to the addiction to unhappiness seem even less appealing and will push you to work toward solutions that are much more constructive than the false comfort you feel when you think about leaving.
* The "comfort" you feel when you think about walking out is really unhappiness in disguise. Ending the relationship would cause the real unhappiness of knowingyou have lost an important relationship that added quality to your life. In contrast to the false pleasure that comes from thinking about leaving a good relationship every time conflict arises, you will experience genuine pleasure from knowing that your commitment to your relationship is rock solid even at times when things aren't going particularly well.
* learn to thwart the demands of your own addiction to unhappiness. Learn how to avoid stirring up conflict, recognize that some areas are just differences of opinion and stop blaming unrelated emotional pain on the relationship.
* People unknowlingly seek to recreate painful emotions because early in childhood they confused these emotions with happiness
* Holding a relationship responsible for always making you happy will destroy it.
Good indication that DB’ing and making changes gets noticed:
Quote: Anyway -- before the movies started h thanked me for being "the best wife" -- never one to pass up an opportunity for data, I asked him what made me such a great wife then offered "just list the top three things" .
He said: My overall thoughtfulness My sense of humor that keeps increasing and just cracks him up
AND
my enthusiasm for things
As an example for the last one he said that he loved how I was just very excited about the telescope and hadn't made any comments or showed signs of reservation about how much it had cost, whether it was practical, etc.
I told him that I knew that that hadn't always been true (it hasn't ) and that I was sorry for that.
He said he just really appreciated the fact that I trust him to not be irresponsible.
THAT is a direct result of me dropping the rope (feeling as though I always needed to CONTROL everything) and just letting h be -- well, and noting and appreciating all the great stuff he does.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
An interesting reminder that h feels things deeply too:
Quote: got home from work. still felt that semi-weirdness/disconnect when I got there...NOW I have to be careful not to make it happen with my attitude or wariness! gotta mix it up, walk in the door with confidence!
anyway, h and I went for a walk...I was overeager...talking to much, creating a bit of a vacuum, emotionally bouncing off the walls a bit. I asked h if he was ok with something or other (can't remember what) then said something like "wait, I'm not squashing you, am I? I don't want to be squashing you!" What I was TRYING to convey was that I was interested in what he wanted but was hoping that I wasn't actually CONTROLLING the conversation/outcome somewhat tacitly. I dunno...it was a weird, hepped up conversation.
anyway...h said "no, you're not squashing me." then he said "but you do have some squashing rights. no, you have some squashing ability". I said "what do you mean?". He said "you have my heart. you could squash it if you wanted to. Please be careful. And I know that I have your heart. and I promise that I won't squash it. I will take care of it. I will protect it."
???
what's up with that?
Acknowledgement that we could hurt each other ('cause that is life and love).
Request that I not hurt him.
Verbal affirmation that he will protect me and not hurt me.
Sigh.
My h is getting it (and giving it!)
Thoughts on how a fear of failure can get in the way of progress:
Quote: Quote:
Finally, in my own experience, if h interprets my request as something he may FAIL at (like, not live up to my expectations) then he's very resistent to doing it -- even if to me it seems as though it's something he'll succeed at.
Could it be this is why they don't want to work on the R?
IMHO, absofreakinglutely.
When I take the thousand foot view of my sitch it seems clear to me that a lot of the horror that went on was around expectation -- or more likely, the fear of not living up to the others expectation.
It's, no doubt, why I kept everything close to my vest and rarely showed my h how important he was (is) to me.
And I believe it's partly why h engaged in his EA.
And, I also believe that it's why when I share my "stuckness" with h and express my still-present(sometimes) sadness he reacts with the D word.
the thousand foot view tells me that above all h, h is afraid of not meeting my expectations....failing me somehow...
one of the hardest, and yet easiest, things I did while DB'ing was to do my absolute best to abandon my "shoulds" about him -- what he SHOULD be doing as a husband. You could add on "as a father".
It isn't about no longer believing that he COULD be amazingly, wonderfully, charmingly successful and delightful and wonderful as a husband.
It's about no longer sighing heavily and thinking: he SHOULD take out the garbage he SHOULD do the dishes he SHOULD pay the bills he SHOULD blah, blah, blah
I cannot deny that I still battle with it, (mildly) at times -- but it's no longer the constant presence in my life.
2 things got me there besides DB'ing.
The two books by Miquel Ruiz ("The four agreements" and "the mastery of love") and
the book "Love is letting go of fear" by Jampolsky.
WHAT if you viewed your h's actions as a manifestation of his fear as opposed to anger, selfishness, etc? (I'm not saying you view it now as anger, whatever...)
How I worked on abandoning the “shoulds” about h:
Quote: I don't know...I remember reading something...I think it was in "Mastery of Love" and he basically said -- if you're sitting around expecting your spouse to be somebody different than they are then you're disrespecting them. They weren't put here to be something for YOU they were put here to be THEM and if you can't stop judging and start loving unconditionally, well, then maybe you shouldn't be together.
I think it was also that after the bomb dropped I took a good look at ME and realized how much pressure and anger and impatience and intolerance I was bringing into the m. -- all under the guise of "getting things done" or "doing things the RIGHT way". I was doing a lot of meditating on compassion at the time and I just realized how much it must have hurt my h to be perceived as so darned WRONG all the time. What IS so wrong about what he does on a daily basis? VERY little, actually.
I love this comment from h:
Quote: Finally documented positive is a biggie...we were sitting together last night and out of the blue h says "you know, I think that you have a picture of yourself as much more stressed out, much more demanding (can't remember the exact word...impatient? critical?) and much more high maintanence that you really are....I don't think you give yourself enough credit for how relaxed you really are...how much more easy going you are than you think. I guess that's because you have such high standards".
Trying to keep acceptance of h at the forefront:
Quote: I think that I've slanted most of my post-bomb DB'ing on the "love is letting go of fear" and "mastery of love" tenets...that even the worst behaviors are manifestations of fear and that shedding personalization and ASSumptions and embracing a willingness to accept the other person as they are are the foundations (note: not trying to make it sound as though I'm actually successful at this...just trying to muddle along like everyone else).
I'm not sure it "works" or that it "works" for all sitchs or whatever...Actually, I AM pretty sure that there's no one sure fire technique...that's pretty fundamental DB'ing, no? do what works....without saying exactly what that is.
I guess for me I've found the most peace when I've tried to keep as much acceptance of h in my heart as possible (see note above on the TRYING part).
Wise words on the “whys”:
Quote: Sage - just a few thoughts about the "why did this happen?" train of thought. I had read that it was important to really nail down why the affair occurred. This is something I resisted doing, out of fear of bringing up all that pain. Here are two quotes from the witty, wise and wonderful Ellie and JJ that have really helped me refocus and spend less energy on wondering and agonizing over why: Quote:
You are making the pretty big ASSumption that he KNOWS why he did it! LOL!!!
Maybe a better tack to take is simply to start talking about what directions you both would like your new R to be going. You know the answer to why the affair started - because isn't it the same for almost every spouse here? He got depressed and/or freaked out about growing older, the OP was available (and/or scheming and manipulative), and the WAS was feeling unloved and unappreciated at home. The excitement of the affair gave them a dopamine rush that temporarily relieved their depression or anxiety and they mistook it for love. Same old same old story - you'd THINK people would be more imaginative, wouldn't you??? I'm in agreement with kml here. Sometimes, rehashing the past "stuff", the reasons "why", keeps the thoughts and memories of the A alive. We want that bugger dead, cremated, and ashes scattered to the wind!
It's usually much better to move forward, and keep doing the "what works" to keep things going in the right direction, so it doesn't happen again. Communication is key, so that you are BOTH able to ask for what you want.
I, too, don't want to know all the details. I know more than I want to already.
Also, as kml says too, it would be the same old same old story. He's probably not even sure exactly why! It's rarely ever any one big thing.
I think that it was in the KLA tapes where Michele quoted someone as saying, "If you don't have an affair with your partner, someone else will". Concentrate on having an affair with him, and eventually the thoughts of the "why's" will become clearer, and less important, to you.
I went through a phase of lots of weird dreams:
Quote: h and I had a date last night after his class. the place we wanted to go to was too crowded so we had pizza and beer someplace else! About halfway through dinner I sensed this bizarre shift in him...almost as though he had retreated...I felt this standoffishness...a bristley feeling...all of a sudden I felt really afraid and in need of self-protection. It was SO WEIRD! I retreated a bit internally and kind of put up an emotional force field. I was definitely perplexed!
We got home (separate cars) and h said "Did I do something to make you mad?" I said "no way" and gave him a big kiss and we were ok from then on (yah, ok, why didn't I say something about sensing that he was pulling away? partly because that kind of conversation tends to sound contolling to h, and partly because all of a sudden it occurred to me that maybe he HADN'T pulled away but that I HAD first).
Anyway...it was a good lesson for me that even a subtle shift in my mindset and attitude is totally perceptible to h AND that my feeling of FEAR gets transmitted as anger.
I dreamt last night about a FF friend of h. I'm not sure if they're still friends or not but about 5 years ago she was a big thorn in my side. We went thru a phase where I was very uncomfortable with their R -- dinner at their apartment alone, etc. I handled it poorly, came off as a jealous shrew, etc. TBH, though, I still don't entirely know if their r. had any makings of an EA. All I know is that it was a very difficult time in our m. (and there are times when it feels like a precursor to actual ow)...
anyway, I dreamt that she and my h were out and that she came over to my mom's house first (alone). I asked her if they had slept together and she said "of course. He doesn't want to have sex with you. But he always has it with me." My reaction was angry and sad, of course but I said "yah, but he always comes home to me. He doesn't really want you."
************* Goodness...what the heck is up with my psyche? Three days in a row of bizarre dreams? Something's just underneath the surface!
Anyway, driving into work this AM I was dwelling on the dream and also my fear based reaction of last night. I was torquing myself up over FF#1 and OW...thinking "this is a cycle. Why can't he find the love he needs in our m. won't this happen again? can't he just love me and appreciate me and our m?"
Then -- aha moment -- how about turning that last statement into an "I" statement? Can't I just love him and appreciate him and our m?
Duh.
Love him. Appreciate him. Value him. Value our m. Stop turning over the rocks looking for bugs. Heck....sit ON the rock! It's cozy and comfortable there!
What a doofus.
Question about the fears:
Quote:
Sage- Just a question for you - in your earlier days of rebuilding with your H, did you ever have trouble with huge blasts of fear about IT happening again, that just left you parlyzed with terror?
Earlier days? Heck, it still happens NOW. It's nowhere near as frequent (thank goodness) but it is still occasionally present....I just do what you are starting to do...noticing how you are feeling, trying not to react to it adversely etc.
So, yah, it's normal. It's expected. It's been compared here to PTSD...that sometimes the feelings and emotions and fears just take over your body and mind and leave you as you described...
What helps? Some of the things we've talked about on your thread (meditation, keeping up PMA, exercise, good eating, etc)...reminding myself that I can take care of myself if necessary, made it thru the pain, etc.
If it helps at all...I'm amazed at how "far" I've come in terms of panic, fear, feelings, etc. There were days when I didn't think I'd ever feel ok again.
Oh...on your thread you posted "things not to do..." can I add a "thing TO do"???
It's exactly what you did...you noted your fear and as soon as you were able you were able to stop reacting to it...not saying it makes it go AWAY but you were able to name it and ride with it. Very good stuff.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: How did you help him see or how did he come to see that you DON'T always do that?
This is ,as you know, is one of the most frustrating things in my sitch...having H stuck in the past, in how it used to be......
I think it's a combo of a few things:
1. utter persistence in the changes
2. validating when he DOES say "You always..." -- iow, not saying "no I don't" but saying "I'm sorry it still feels that way" and taking it to heart
3. Continuing to look and see if he may be right (am I often still distracted with him, etc)
4. Being as accepting of him and his behavior as possible -- one thing I've found in my sitch is that the less I "penalize" h, the less he "penalizes" me.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
!
Will check out the book. Enjoy your long weekend with h 
