I have decided I need to work on myself regarding self-esteem, boundaries, and loving myself.
Something that came out of my H's mouth yesterday was "I've learned to be cruel, but not cruel enough". Although it was said in response to D's teasing question, "Daddy, why are you so cruel?" while they were horsing around, I could hear the steel in his voice and knew it was something meant both on the superficial level and a deeper level. Not so long ago he stated that his biggest change through all of this was that he had become crueller. And seemed proud of it. (I know he has the typical WAS attitude that he was the only one who gave, throughout the marriage.)
He also recently said once again that his father was a b*****d. (I can understand that.)
I myself don't want to cultivate cruelty. I want to cultivate something that might seem related to that - strength and self love.
I want to distinguish between being compassionate and being a doormat. And not only in my R with H.
I recently had a lightbulb moment. Having been a freelance worker much of my life, I have been walked over often enough. Something came up this week and I reacted badly (when talking to my friend about it). Basically I was being pushed around and instead of standing firm and stating my terms, I whined, then let fly. Then I realised how pointless that was, and instead contacted the person involved and stated my terms clearly, without apology or agressiveness. Now it is up to them to reply whether they wish to engage my services or not. So far I haven't heard from them, but I feel MUCH better having decided I DO in fact have boundaries, which *I* lay down, not others!
I have learnt a lesson here. Being firm and compassionate both come from strength, not weakness. Cruelty and aggression, on the other hand, come from fear.
I have quite an aggressive personality, coupled with a need to please - not a winning combintation.
I've got to stop being aggressive (fearful) and start being more clear and firm about my boundaries, while being compassionate.
My H phoned yesterday morning and said he was arriving back in town last evening, (a day early) and could he stay one night and then return up to his place this morning? I said, OK.
He arrived, and when offered some supper, he said, on no thanks. And then a little later he ate most of it up. What is it with him, that he HAS to refuse the first time?
Then he told me ALL about his meeting and what came out of it. He was quite pleased with the reaction to his work and ideas of his friend, but no money yet. He admitted he had been very keyed up and pessimistic prior to his trip.
Then he pulled out a couple of DVDs to show me stuff which he thought was the best thing he had seen in a very long time. He wanted to know what I thought of it. I was frankly not half as impressed as he was. But guess what, two people, even spouses or separated spouses, do not have to agree on everything, especially creative work. So without sounding too negative I just made some comments about the work.
This morning he set off straight after we dropped D at school. No kiss from him, but thanks (althought I got two kisses on the cheeks when he arrived, which he conspicuously didn't give last visit.)
H turned up early, just BEFORE my visit to the hairdresser this morning. My hair cut has shaved YEARS off me.
So, that's it from me folks. Time to plan my OWN 'constructive' MLC, as Ellie has suggested more than once!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
A package which H has been waiting for arrived here today (just after he left) so I rang him to tell him about it. We chatted for a bit, then he asked me to open it and ring back to tell him about the contents. I said OK, then got sidetracked.
He rang much later to ask about it. I told him I still hadn't opened it! We talked about other stuff. H says he wants D for the whole Easter break, if possible (five days) and he will let me know about logistics after the landlords have been up this weekend.
I rang back after opening the parcel, we chatted about its contents, then I told H the dates of the Easter hols and said I would like to know the plan well before the break so I can organise myself too. It is hard to say this to H without him taking it as a criticism (hmmm, why would that be?? ) and he replied, impatiently, yes yes, I'll let you know after this weekend. D, by the way, will go up next weekend as originally planned.
As for my Easter plans - I can either go and stay with some other friends in the hills, if that is still on. I may even cycle up there. I might also suggest to H that I cycle over to his place one day, and leave it up to him to invite me overnight, if he feels inclined. Or I might not.
Then, I have a couple who are cycling around this country coming to stay a couple of nights as well, so I will maybe cycle one day with them!
I am doing this for myself - haven't cycled seriously in AGES, and it should be great fun, and help me get a little fitter. The cycling would be mostly in the mountains. A 'side benefit' might be that H's interest is piqued, seeing as we first started out as cycling buddies.
OK, now here's another thing. Today, by sheer coincidence, I spoke to two friends of mine on the telephone, both of whom I have not been in touch with much in the past couple of years. Bear in mind they were not close friends, but really 'nice' women who I am very fond of.
Friend #1 is much older than myself. We used to go on walks together to practice English and local language in an exchange of convos. She had left her H years ago. Grown up kids. She told me she had a 'lover' who was rather younger than her, who was married. This convo was way back before my world fell apart. I felt uncomfortable, and asked her - doesn't it matter to you that he is married? She answered, well, it is between him and his wife, I am not married to either of them. (I couldn't get my head around this notion, but sooooo many people are perfectly 'nice' and still feel this way...) Guy never intended to leave his wife, but talked to my friend about buying a house in the hills together. I sort of just stayed off that topic in future, and then we drifted apart over the years, for no other reason (on my part) than lack of time.
Today she tells me, that his wife died last year of cancer, and she had thought after all these years it would be the time for the two of them to draw closer. The opposite has happened. He has got involved with a foreign woman, been to her country etc. Still in almost daily touch with my friend, but she is finding things 'difficult' and is in pain.
We are meeting up next week, and will no doubt talk about it.
Friend #2. She is single and in her late thirties. About three years ago she found herself a boyfriend, whom she evidently adored. I never met him, he lived in a town quite far away, they saw each other on weekends. As is common among 'available' folk of this age, he was separated/divorced with a young child. I assumed his wife and marriage were 'history'.
Friend falls pregnant last year, then boyfriend seems to be backing off... friend had baby early this year, boyfriend seems to have halted the divorce proceedings and is living(?) with his wife! As far as I know, friend was not deliberately going out with a married man, no doubt she was fed the line that 'the marriage was over'. She is finding out the painfully hard way that it's not over till it's over, and even THEN it may not be over, like, really over.
I will probably be seeing her this weekend, and will find out more.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Dear Livenlearn Thank you for your input on my thread - I have just started reading over here (where I am hoping to start posting BUT....) You seem to be in control more and more so keep up the good work. The 'cruel' comment stems presumably from somone who feels they want to gain some control, but has yet to realise that its control of themselves.
Don't you wonder why people seem to be able to absorb rules like "look both ways before you cross the street" but can't seem to learn "don't date married men"????? Seems like a simple enough safety rule to follow!!!!!
Yesterday and last night were not so good. I had a falling out with my good friend, and we have sort of made up. But I had been feeling increasingly unhappy about things between us. I do not feel much empathy from her. At one point I referred to H, and she immediately launched into "but he's NOT your H anymore!" Well, seeing as she dumped her H and is officially in the same position as me, being legally separated, she DOES not get it, with me and my attitude to H and my M. I didn't endeavour to explain, as I have come to realise that she isn't someone I can share this with. We are too different. We both hail from the same country of origin and are like family to each other, but intellectually/emotionally we are miles apart. I don't mean higher/lower, but our ways of thinking are just not similar.
I can't go into all the ins and outs of what happened, but she had already sensed some withdrawal from me and commented on it. I told her it was nothing specific, I just don't share much personal stuff with her, as I don't with my sister. That just leaves you guys on the board here.
'Tis a lonely place to be, in some ways (I don't mean the board. )
Then I went with another friend to a big out of town superstore for some retail therapy - all household stuff. While I enjoyed the time out and thinking about ways to make our house more homely, I felt depressed coming back. I am spending money on the house, while I don't know if long term I should remain in this country at all. Then my friend, who is a visiting nurse, told me about a man she sees who had a serious accident and who will probably not walk/work again, he has a wfie and kids to support, they are immigrants to this country, and are having a very rough time financially. It set me thinking about how precariously I am positioned being here without H part of our family.
I got to thinking how even before all this happened, I used to fear if something really bad happened to me, that H might not be there for me. Do I want someone like THAT back in my life? Is it just wishful thinking that H will EVER come to terms with the responsibilities in his life? If he already sees himself as having given too much, what hope is there for a more giving H? Who wants someone who is working on developing their cruel side???
I am also tired of the one sided nature of all my interactions with H. It's all about H. What he is working on, what he has bought, what he thinks about A, B and C etc. He doesn't express much interest in me and my life, except for wanting my feedback on his work.
No, I am not goig to just blow up all of my hard work, I will still treat H as a friend, but perhaps not be quite as available. I can aleady sense some pulling back from him in the past few weeks. The eye contact is direct, but he's not really seeing Livnlearn. He is back to talking exclusively about wanting to speak to/see D, not me. Next weekend he is having D up, and over Easter he wants her up etc. He has forgotten about having me up for more than a few hours, is seems. Fair enough.
Last night I woke up and worried about every aspect of my life. Mostly about money, security and my relationship with H. I guess I just have to plug on.
Livnlearn
PS Can you believe this? Even as I was checking this post for typos, I received a letter by registered post from my country of origin, from someone dear to me. His only child, who is married with three kids (so he is the bread-winner for six people in total) was just run over by a truck and may lose his hand.
And then H rang, sounding all chirpy, thanking me for sending up the stuff from his parcel with his landlord. I told him about the accident, and he sounded sorry. Then he rang agin, telling me to read something on a news website, that he thought I should know about.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I can totally relate to what you are saying regarding your H and the one-sideedness of your whole R.
Quote: It set me thinking about how precariously I am positioned being here without H part of our family.
I got to thinking how even before all this happened, I used to fear if something really bad happened to me, that H might not be there for me. Do I want someone like THAT back in my life? Is it just wishful thinking that H will EVER come to terms with the responsibilities in his life? If he already sees himself as having given too much, what hope is there for a more giving H? Who wants someone who is working on developing their cruel side???
I am also tired of the one sided nature of all my interactions with H. It's all about H. What he is working on, what he has bought, what he thinks about A, B and C etc. He doesn't express much interest in me and my life, except for wanting my feedback on his work.
No, I am not goig to just blow up all of my hard work, I will still treat H as a friend, but perhaps not be quite as available. I can aleady sense some pulling back from him in the past few weeks. The eye contact is direct, but he's not really seeing Livnlearn. He is back to talking exclusively about wanting to speak to/see D, not me.
My husband also is working on his cruelty to me. Around the 20th of Feb I told him that we (I) had no $ to pay our March bills. And he told me literally "too bad." Then he told me rather sarcastically that I needed to 'pray." That is a direct slam to me as he now is taking the line that God was never there for him, so phoey on God.
So he shows up on March the 9th with a check for me to pay the bills, saying "I had the $ all along, I just wanted you to know what it felt like not to have any $."
What a jerk.
I need a new marriage as I cannot, will not, refuse to go back to this sort of thing.
I have got plans for the five days of the Easter break, when H wants D with him.
When I mentioned what I might be doing to D, she asked, can't we just all be together over Easter?
Sigh.
I said to her, rightly or wrongly - Well D, you know how it is these days, everything seems to be about what your Dad wants or doesn't want. And D nodded in agreement.
Who knows whether she'll take it up with her Dad. But I left it at that. I intend to have a nice Easter break whatever. I have confirmed with my friends in the hills that I can go stay with them there for a night or two.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
A 'side benefit' might be that H's interest is piqued, seeing as we first started out as cycling buddies. 
Mostly about money, security and my relationship with H. I guess I just have to plug on.