Alanna, this is a hard one. I'm just going to tell you what I did and maybe it will help. First, I knew who OW was--our next door neighbor and we were casual acquaintances. I spent a lot of time with her 10-year old daughter--letting her ride my horse and just talking. So when I find out my H is with her--total devastation!
I at first thought of them together but that was so painful that I finally pushed it out of my mind and would dare not go there. I never asked about her or for details of their PA. I didn't want to know.
When we first starting having sex again it was great, full of passion and emotion. I was worried about it until I read Michele saying that some husbands feel a connection with their wives during sex and I truly believe that is happening with my H.
Then I decided even though I don't know anything about him and OW together, I was going to be better. I started doing a little research at the bookstore and the internet and tried a few things. He won't tell me anything either--can't talk about sex. So I start experimenting with fantastic results. I just got the attitude that I was better than her. And most of the time I don't think of it as ML either, cuz I don't think men think of it that way and I just decided to have fun with it. I have had some amazing compliments.
Now things have slowed down a bit and I have to work a little harder at getting things going, but I think that is just because we have been together for 10 years--ya gotta look for things to keep it interesting. And I don't depend on him to do anything, I decided to be responsible and he is very appreciative--and he surely doesn't want me doing it with anyone else!
So, try to put her out of your mind--don't talk about her either. You are not competing with her memory, you are making brand new, even better ones!
Have some fun with it! Don't worry about the intimacy of ML right now. His appreciation and compliments may be enough to make you feel great. Usually, I get cuddled after and that is enough for me. If I don't, I just relax and go to sleep, no use taking that personal cuz it isn't.
I hope that helps some. Be the best you can be! You will be able to tell by his reaction if he likes it.
It's been 4 months since WAW came back to me, well she has her own apartment til Aug and lives about 37 mile away from me. We see each other about 2 weekends a month due to work schedules and the distance. Over all it has been good in the beginning but she is getting to comfortable again. She had a 4 month EA with a man 17 years her senior. Thats one problem and imgaes I still have, secondly I feel she isnt giving her all in making this work between us for what she did to me. I mean being more loving, sweet talk, the whole gambit.
I think I made it too easy for her returning to me and we ML like two days after reconcilling. I felt like I needed to prove myself to her and I don't! She feels so guilty too that she doesnt even want to ML for a while now. She claims to feel dirty. So we are going to C. Our third one in two months. We'll keep tugging along until we find someone that will focus on us...It is hard work. I still feel single at times and wonder if all this is worth it for all the damage she created between two families and us especilally. Time will tell I guess
Only to say all of you this post is great bc we can learn from many friends live, R and experience... i had been here in this web since 3 years ago, now, again, my M is in crisis and i am a little tired or maybe incredule about DBing, but yes... i know it can work bc had worked for me before... ill stay around... Andrea
Sue, it is nice to know about you, i remember you a lot... great that your M and your H is really working...
Alaska Angel sorry to jump on here! zbaby, I hear ya about feeling like you are making things too easy for her to return to you. I feel like that with my W too. She had and EA/PA with her boss who was 12 yrs older than her, married and with 2 kids. We have ML once since she has moved back and I don't know exactly how she felt afterwards but she didn't say she felt dirty. But during the act I kind of felt a little weird because of the images of her sleeping with another guy kept running thru my head. I guess that's one of those things that you and I will have to work on right? I also have wondered if this is all worth it and to answer that question I just look and think about all of the time and effort I have put in just to get things to this point and I have to think that going forward is not going to be as difficult. And even if it is I am well prepared to be successful because of the things I have learned. I guess that's just my thoughts for you to chew on a little.
AA,
Congratulations on your books. That's a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself.
Dear Z: My h had left home twice. Doing the first one he had OW. I always think i made a mistake accepting him so fast, that maybe was better to makes him do some real efforts and concentrate more in himself, what he do and dont, what we really wants... now, that he is again confuse, i think yes, i do that wrong, but i cant do anything...!!... learning fot that faults is all we can do, and trying to do things different... trying not to get the whole responsability of the R on me and letting him do some efforts. and about OW, yes, even nor, after almost 3 years of his R with OW, i think about that and fight with that memories or thoughts, but i can contro myself and saying to myself : if he is with me right now, is bc something!!, he thought he can find happiness out, but the fact is that he didnt find it... so, i am not the problem... the ow wasnt neither the problem... he has a problem...!!
Wow, my H is coming home this weekend. I am really nervous. It is one thing to DB when you are separated but quite another to do it at home. It's like we were dating and having a good time, responsible for our own stuff. Now we are going to get back to "real life". Very scary--I'm sure I will be checking in ALOT!
Keep your main objective in mind at all times: to get your marriage back, stronger, healthier, and happier! What do you need to do to achieve that? Perhaps it is making it easy for a WAS to return...perhaps it is acting as if you are dating when you are living together again...perhaps it is noticing the nice things your spouses do and overlooking some of the bad....
Dbing is about achieving one's goals! Remember that...
