H was planning to get a lift down to the city with his landlord on Saturday evening and stay Saturday and Sunday night here, in order to see D. Originally she was supposed to go up for the weekend, then only for the Saturday, then as the landord's time of return was so vague, H suggested this plan of him coming down. I was caught off guard somewhat but agreed.
Anyway, on Sauturday afternoon, D and I accompanied our house guest to the railway station and then carried on into town. I was expecting H to call and say when he was arriving, and was going to suggest that he meet us in town for a while. He did ring while we were still in town, and I asked him where he was. He said, the railway station. Obviously seeing off OW2.
I admit, I was somehwat miffed, feeling as if once again I was being used. H needs to come down to city, therefore suggests this plan to come and see his daughter etc.
Anyhow, we carried on, D and I bought H some birthday presents - a book, a DVD and some chocolates. Nothing major, but the book and DVD were linked to his current project interest, so they were small tokens of validation.
We got home, H turned up a little later, announing - What a day I've had! I didn't pry, but he told me that someone we know, a well-known person in the expat community here, had died that morning, after battling with cancer. That the memorial service was the following Saturday, which he was coming down for.
We had a nice dinner. H said, as he was helping himself to a second serving, Livnlearn, your cooking is my downfall, I always end up eating more than I should!
(Note: H is far more weight conscious than I am these days: he mentioned this weekend how he had put on a little because of the cold and having more of an apetite, how he had lost weight last summer etc. In fact, he is absolutely fine, not overweight at all, though not in any way 'thin'. For my part, I try not to talk about weight at all, as I don't want my D to start thinking about it much. She is absolutely perfect, but at this age, it is a sensitive issue, especially among girls. If she brings it up, I will talk to her about the issues, but I don't bring it up myself.)
The subject of his birthday came up and I asked him what he had planned. He said nothing, there was no one up there to do anything with, but he may go over to w3's place, he supposed.
After dinner we played a card game, that H taught us on his last visit. At one point I mentioned that we had played this game recently. H said, it is no fun with only two. I wondered why he was making the assumption that there was only ever just the two of us (D and I) to play a game, so I said, there weren't only two of us! H said, oh, did you play it with house guest? I said, yes. Then he asked me some questions about this house guest, how did I know her etc. I gave him the bare bones, that I had met her through a listserve. True. I noted he was quite curious.
Another time, he said, you must have a lot of students as every time I ring you are in a lesson. I just said, uhuh. In fact, I don't have very many students at the moment, but I have decided to keep that fact to myself. Now that I have set up a standing order to pay part of the mortgage, I figure that my finances are my problem to figure out. I will not expect anything from H nor burden him with my worries.
Also, another aspect of this is that I have decided to live my life as if everything is OK and will be OK. A positive attitude helps you to project the right image, in terms of getting work, being 'lucky', making friends, winning back spouses etc...
Later we watched a DVD together and then went to bed.
Throughout the day, I was toying with the idea of arranging some kind of date while H was here Sunday. The one guy who I could have asked to go out with was the one I haven't seen in a year, that I talked about being very persistent before. He still calls from time to time to ask me out, but in all honesty, I HAVE been too busy to take up any of his offers. I decided in the end that I couldn't just use him for my purposes, that he is a decent guy and if I went out with him it would be on the merits of spending time with him alone, nothing else. D had accepted a party invitation Sunday afternnon, so after dropping her off I planned to go visit a FF for a while.
Although it was a Sunday next morning and I had the rare opportunity for a lie in, I woke up early and had the usual stream of negative thoughts running through my head like a ticker tape. I felt sad, resentful, and USED. Yet, I also felt slightly detached from this negativity. It was like being with an old friend - that of habitual behaviour. I started asking myself if I was going to spend the rest of my life wanting to change my negative habits but never quite able to.
I remembered reading here that DBing behaviour is not comfortable, it is not really what one wants to do or feels like doing at any given moment, you are doing it to achieve a much longer term goal. It is a discipline.
So I packed away my negative thoughts and got out of bed. H was already up and working on his project at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. I greeted him and made a cup of tea to take into my office. He called out after me, aren't you going to eat breakfast here together? I called back, it was only a cup of tea and we would have breakfast a little later. Then I started doing something on my computer.
I happened to have an index card with the words "Don't wait, don't blame, don't worry" written on it next to my computer, along with other stuff written out cryptically, as prompts to DBing behaviour. H came into the room to talk about something and his eye fell on the card. He laughed and said "What's this? Don't wait, don't blame, don't worry?..... What's that all about?" and he was laughing with somewhat of a snigger. I snatched up the card and turned it over, and said, just what it says - don't wait, don't blame, don't worry! I admit, I was caught completely off guard. But I regained my composure.
(Note: H went all over the house this weekend, poking about at things, even things wrapped in plastic bags on my dressing table. Very curious. I had tried to put away any 'sensitve' or private material ... but this index card got overlooked!)
Later on, he suggested he could make pancakes for breakfast. I said I had planned something else, but he could decide what he would rather do. He said, since you made a nice dinner last night, I'll make breakfast. So I was happy to agree to that.
During breakfast, he said casually, well, I am coming down next weekend for the memorial service but the weekend after that, would you like to come up for the weekend?
I was thunderstruck. Blindsided. I took a few seconds to digest this, before saying, that would be nice, yes! And I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.
D was dancing a little jig and whooping for joy. She started listing all the things we could do and the places she was going to show me. H was grinning and said, I see that you have the whole weekend planned out!
OK folks, for those who don't know the whole of my story, H got his place in the hills on June 1st 2003, some 20 months ago, soon after the bomb, and I have never seen it. He did invite me up last year around March or so, but it was a half hearted invitation, very offhand, with OW2 still in the picture there, at his house all the time, though they were not supposed to be 'together'. I declined, saying I couldn't visit if OW2 was around.
I guess my posing the question "H, what makes you feel you are here on suffernace?" never got answered directly, but I fancy it did make him think.
Guys, this is HUGE, but on the other hand, I am not allowing it to lead to ANY expectations at all. I know why this journey is called a roller coaster ride. And it isn't because it is FUN!!
In fact, a little later, H said, of course, if it is pouring with rain, then going up wouldn't make any sense because it is no fun at all up there in bad weather.
So, after the first five minutes of excitement, I played it quite cool.
Later H offered to prepare lunch, which he did. I took D off to her party and stopped in at friend's place for a tea and chat. I know H said he had some work to do on his computer so he could get on with that. When I got home, he was curious to know where I had been. I told him, my friend's place. He said, so you stopped there for a bit and then came straight home... not so much as a question, but as if processing the information...
He suggested we play a game of Scrabble. I accepted, but was inwardly confused. When he was here at Christmas, I suggested a game, and he said, oh god no, I am tired of playing it, whenever I play with OW2 we have an argument, mind you, OW2 will argue about ANYTHING... She puts down clever words, and gets angry when I just put down boring words to get a good score.... So I had left off the subject.
We set up the game. He had a look at the score book which we have used for the last twelve years, with all the old scores and funny comments scribbled in about who won and why. My Mum used to play with us when she visited. It was like a bit of family history there. H was laughing at the comments. Although H is very intellegent, well educated and well read, I have still won far more games than he has.
So we played the game. He won. He mentioned that he hadn't played Scrabble for ages. I said, really? He said, yes, I haven't played for YEARS!!
Very odd. Is this what they mean by MLCer's being forgetful and contradictory??
I will continue this update in another post.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Anyhow, the Scrabble game was enjoyable and we cracked a few jokes. It was almost like old times, and guess what, we DID have fun together, inspite of H stating the contrary at the time of the bomb.
Then D returned home from the party. We had dinner. H mentioned the memorial service once again, and said I could go too if I wanted. Then he asked me, did you ever meet C, (the guy who died)?
Well folks, I was taken aback once again. We have been to C's home in the hills for meals and even stayed the night years ago. We had even thought of renting a part of their property as a holiday let when they were thinking of lettting it. C and his wife came over to our house once for a meal, which of course I cooked. One of my 'specials'! Admittedly, we were not bossom pals, as they are a generation older than us, but their kids were quite good friends of ours at one time and I was astounded that H could be unaware of and not remember what we have or haven't done together.
But I merely replied, of course!
H has visited this family recently, when he got the lift over there with w3, who is also friendly with them. So I asked if he had seen the various kids, one in particular. H said, I haven't seen him in years, he has stated that he doesn't wish to ever meet me.
D was anxious to give H his birthday presents. She rushed off to make him a card. I had written him a card too, with a little corny poem in it about reaching 45, but it was affectionate and jokey, and I signed off as "Livnlearn, the queen of doggerel"
I think H was quite touched with his gifts and cards, which while not big, were thoughtful and heartfelt. He gave me a thank you kiss on the lips!
Then D started to play up about going to bed, she was very rude and disobedient. H finally got her to bed. I told H that I found D's behaviour deteriorating rather in the past few weeks. He agreed, said he found the same. I suggested that he could use witholding of pocket money as a punishment if she crosssed a line. He is the one to give her pocket money.
I was also aware that D sometimes plays up even more when there are the two of us, as she plays one against the other...
We watched a DVD for a while. H talked about his work a bit. Actually, when he arrived he handed me his project under developement, to have a look at, but I didn't have time to really look at it over the weekend. As this is probably invalidating behaviour on my part, I will ask H to email it to me so I can have a look at it at my leisure.
As we talked, I was dismayed to see how many things and people he still 'despised'. But I just listened. I keep forgetting to validate, and I just about listen, but it is more a case of biting my tongue, than actively LISTENING. Got to work on that.
This morning, H was due to catch an early bus, but when it came time to go, he said he would wait till a later bus and take D into school. I thought he might be fishing to stay on longer, and said, why don't you stay till your birthday? D has been clamouring for this all along. But H said, no, I have to get back. I asked what was so important, as he had his computer with him, and he just said, well, I have planned to be back, so I will. Then later he admitted, I have some packages I am expecting to be delivered so I want to be there.
When he finally left, he thanked me "for everything". I said it was a pleasure.
So, the weekend went pretty well in the end.
Positives -
Livnlearn managed to overcome the hump of negativity Livnlearn managed to pitch the present and card at the right level*
H offered to cook twice H cleaned up after himself most of the time H relaxed enough to play games and laugh and joke H complimented me on the food H thanked me a number of times
And finally -
H invited me up to his place!
Livnlearn
*H mentioned in passing having his eye on a gadget. It is quite expensive, but I could stretch to it. The only problem is, if I got it for H, would he read it right or would it be bad idea? Is anything bigger than a small gift premature? It would certainly surprise him.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I must admit, I certainly wasn't expecting to hear such a positive report on the weekend. Just shows why you must Act As if things will go well - because sometimes they actually do!!!
Now remember the following - this is a bit like trying to get a wild animal to eat out of your hand - slowly, slowly, no sudden moves to scare him off. Expect a step backward or two after he has allowed himself to get a little closer this weekend.
I think requesting that he email you the project is a good idea, and a good validating way to follow up the weekend without appearing pursuing. I think I'd hold off on the present for now - you bought him BD presents, he liked them, don't stretch your budget to go overboard.
As for the memory loss - it is a characteristic of depression, and most WASs are afflicted with it. Amazing, isn't it? Just drives home how really sick most of them are - they really just are not right in the brain when they are in this.
I asked H to email me the project and he did so, as well as thanking me once again for 'letting him stay the weekend'.
My plan?
Carry on as usual with my life, and also work on GAL.
Have hair done (coloured) soon so I look good two weekends from now. I find my hair needs to 'settle down' for a week or two before it looks really good.
Go through H's project and get back to him with some validating comments as well as constructive ones, as need be.
Send him an ecard for his birthday.
Talk to H about the need for us to coordinate our response to D sometimes, about things like pocket money etc.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
D and I tried to ring H this morning to wish him for his birthday, but the phone was engaged. After taking D to school, I rang H again, and wished him, told him we had tried earlier etc. Then we had some pleasant chit chat. At one point H said, I'm 45 years old, that's ninety per cent of fifty! (This is an improvement on a few weeks ago, when he stated he was 'nearly fifty') So I in turn pointed out that it was ONLY fifty percent of ninety!
He mentioned coming down for the memorial service and then said, so I will meet up sometime next weekend, then mentioned that he was getting a lift down with w3 and would probably get a lift up again along with her boyfriend.
He mentioned his work project and told me about some changes he had made.
Then, he thanked me for the birthday call.
And I cheerfully rang off after that.
He rang back a short time later to tell me something he had noticed about the way numbers and percentages behave.
Yes, Ellie, I decided against getting him the gadget. I really don't know where this invitation will lead, and I don't want to jump the gun and then have to pull back madly. And I also have to be very sensible about money.
Livnlearn
PS You know, the old issue about sleeping in a bed that OW have slept in did raise its head, but then I thought, this house and this bed is where H lives right now. If I wish to be a part of his life or make connections, I am going to have to get over it. Also, H asked me to bring up a sleeping bag. He also made some allusion to his place being a pigsty over the course of last weekend, then mentioned using some industrial strength cleaner to rid the shower cubicle of loads of muck...
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Yesterday evening H rang just as we were about to eat dinner, to speak to D. She was rather distracted and offhand with him. It was H's birthday and D had not been able to speak to him in the morning before going to school because when we tried to ring his phone was engaged (online probably).
The phone was not passed to me for anything, so I just left off the situation, didn't interfere.
This afternoon, H called, his voice sounding quite low (depressed), to ask if D was angry with him about something last night. I said, I didn't think so, she is sometimes just offhand because she is distracted.
I have talked to her about this, but you really can't make a nine year old understand phone etiquette completely, she just behaves on the phone as she feels at the moment, I can't MAKE her be enthusiastic. She has been short or uninterested with me as well, when I speak to her while she is visiting with her Dad. I just accept it.
But I know it is harder for H to accept as he doesn't see her for days or weeks on end. I guess as a consequence of his own choices.
I did try to make him feel better, and said I would get D to ring him this evening. I will probably try to talk to her a little about how to behave on the phone.
Any thoughts? Should I 'interefere' at all?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I think you handled it fine. Yes, I'd encourage her to call him. Poor H - having to deal with the reality that kids don't always want to give you their attention when YOU want it - you miss so much when you're not with them every day.
WOW...fun to catch up with the news of your past week-end with H. Really, cuz as you know, I have been a bit out of touch....so a few months back things were sounding a little bleak....but not anymore!! I think all your diligent DBing is starting to pay off! Keep it up....the positives, the baby steps, low expectations, expect 2 steps forward, 1 back (as Ellie reminded you)....all that is so very true. And your questions regarding memory loss and MLC rang so true with my H too! REally!!! Even now...we are back together and doing pretty well....some things we talk about regarding the past 2 yrs....he really doesn't recall...and I don't make a deal of it....just chalk it up to the depression thing, I guess.
I am so excited about the progress in your sitch....I'm rooting for you!
I will catch you up on my own post soon. All is going rather smoothly, but there are bumps and continual hard work even when we are back together building the trust, etc.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Take it slowly!
Quote: I am so excited about the progress in your sitch....I'm rooting for you!
I will catch you up on my own post soon. All is going rather smoothly, but there are bumps and continual hard work even when we are back together building the trust, etc.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Take it slowly!
Hey Mooka
It's great to hear from an old timer! I was wondering about so many of you who seemed to have disappeared en masse - you, Water, ChritineE, Alaskangal, Pamila, Imalright, Dazedboy, Pattie, Nikatnight, Ogda et al. I will be heading over to read your update after this to see what's up! And Alsakangal popped back in to tell us things are going great in HER neck of the woods too!
I have felt sometimes that I am just chugging along, although I have known for a long time that this DBing business isn't a seven day wonder quick-fix thingy...
These last two days I have had someone call about teaching their yourg son English (I want to avoid teaching young kids as much as possible ) and another mother tell me that her daughter doesn't want to come any more... the nature of this private teaching lark is that it is a continual roller coaster for me - planning and finance wise. People here can be SOOOO unreliable, it drives me nuts. Time to think hard about other ways of making a living. I can't sustain TWO parallel roller coaster rides - financial as well as emotional!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL, boy how things change in an instant! It is wonderful to read all the positives in your sitch. And I have only one caution: No Expectations!
Isn't it amazing how quick these kinds of things happen? The good and the bad. None of us really could believe this could happen to us, and then, they seem to turn on a dime one day and are happy to see us again! It's enough to make a sane woman scream!
Don't worry too much about how your D acts at times on the phone with her Dad. I have 2 boys 8 & 11(almost) and they do the same thing at times. All I do is remind them (while they are on the phone) that if they want to talk to that person, then talk, but don't try to do other things at the same time. I figure once they finally get that one, I'll be telling them they need to hang up since talking for 3 hours is more than enough!!
If you still want to teach English have you ever looked at teaching at a school? Are there any type of community education classes that are offered? Maybe you can offer to teach a class for that. Maybe finding a way of teaching a bit more formally, since you said people are unreliable, would help having steadier work. Just a thought.
Crossing my fingers for you to have many more positive encounter with your H!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
