Thanks for the support. Today I just think I am having a really down day. All those "crazy thoughts" keep rearing their ugly head and it is so frustrating.
I am tired of being distrustful, I am tired of being the "strong" one and I am of not letting my true anger out. I am ANGRY!!!! I am angry that I have been put through this. I am angry that all of you have been put through this. I am angry that I didn't have a choice, I am angry that because of the stupid, selfish, narcissistic actions of my H, I will never again have the naive ability to just trust. I hate that I have been reduced to looking through wallets and pockets.
I am a beautiful, accomplished, intellectual women who got dooped! What is wrong with me that I made such a poor choice? The man I had so much respect for, who I thought was so honorable turned out to be nothing but a lying cheat.
But, now that he has learned that the grass isn't greener and that he was lucky to have a woman like me and he came home I should just be greatful. I should be able to just move on and move forward with him. Please, give me a break, I need to take care of me, no one else is going to. I am tired of all the pressure. I just need some space to think.
Its exhausting living with someone you don't trust who crushed me so deeply. I don't know if I have the energy to make it through this. I am so sick of hearing how strong I am. I AM NOT STRONG!!!! I may be a survivor, but I am not strong. Is it really so wrong to want someone to take care of me for a change?
I have felt the way you are feeling today too many times to count and all I can say to you is it will get better and these days will become fewer and farther between. It is hard and it does suck. I know exactly how you feel.....in fact I could have written the same exact post myself last year....numerous times. You will be okay and you are doing fine.....just a rough spot....we all have had them!! ((((HUGS))))
I need to journal before I have a nervous breakdown. Since I was last here my H has been hospitalized. He is not dealing with the situation that he has created very well. He is under investigation at work for the PA and it has finally hit him like a ton of bricks what he has done.
Once again, I am in the position of helping him when he is the one who has done this. I know that this sounds so cold hearted but I am so tired. He is dealing with depression and anxiety....hello that has been the last 18 months for me!!
Maybe it is my inablility to trust right now that makes me think that this is just a scheme so that he can be excused from the difficult work of rebuilding a marriage. I am afraid that I don't want it anymore. How much can one person go through?
I am back to one minute at a time. At one point I had made it all the way to one week at a time. I am just so exhausted, emotional, weepy and depressed. Please tell me that this will get easier. I am not sure there really is light at the end of the tunnel instead of a 2 x 4 ready to wack me in the head.
Keep on venting. Let it out, don't keep it in. Is he aware of how you are feeling? Has he heard you say some of these words?
The current problems between my H and I are my fault, yet he had put me through so much in the last 9 years that I have felt this way too. I would say to my best friend: "I fought for him! I wanted him back so bad, and *this* is what I fought for?" (and I believe what I did was to lash out at him for everything he has caused) but looking at the positives, and believing how much he loves me give me the motivation... *gave* me the motivation to continue on with him all those years. Almost like forgiving his faults, and as someone said, recognizing them as a mistake making human.
He has made changes in himself though... so maybe this part differs from your stitch. Has he made changes to better himself? I am getting the impression that he is still the same man as before. If so, then maybe he has just started his long road of self bettering...
Noone can say that the stitch isn't right for you.... but maybe this space you need is telling you something. Even if is just asking for a break again- this time on YOUR terms while he adjusts to the new person he needs to become.
I am no expert, but I thought that I would comment since your posts reminded me of how I felt many, many times.
I am glad we are reconciling, yet a small part of me wonders if this is what I really want- regardless of how much I love him... I have been with him since I was 18 and I am almost 28.... is there another life out there for me? I guess time will tell, but for now, I feel 99.9% right about this...
Does this make any sense? Hang in there, Jen. Your world has been flip-flopped around for a while and I SWEAR the vertigo takes a while to go away. But it does disappear when you decide what you really want...
Quote: Since I was last here my H has been hospitalized.
Are you saying he's been hospitalized for depression?
Quote: Once again, I am in the position of helping him when he is the one who has done this.
Jen, if indeed your H has been hosptialized for depression, then there is nothing you can do to help him. All you can do right now is be supportive of him, but he's got to deal with this on his own.
Quote: Maybe it is my inablility to trust right now that makes me think that this is just a scheme so that he can be excused from the difficult work of rebuilding a marriage.
Jen, I want you to take a good, hard look at this statement. Do you really think your H, or anyone else, would get themselves so worked up as to be hospitalized just as a way to get out of working on a M? Most people would just run to the bar, or an OW/M, or their F's, or their job! C'mon, Jen, I know it's hard, but get a grip here (you answered your own question, btw).
Of course you are frustrated, exhausted, confused and scared. Who wouldn't be? It's all natural. But remember, just b/c we have an emotion doesn't mean that we have to ACT on them. You have a choice about your behavior. It will be alright. Eat a decent meal, get a good night's sleep, and you'll feel better about things in the morning, okay?
Take care of YOU! Let H and the hospital take care of H!
Hi Jen Just wanted to say you are not alone in your feelings of "feeling if we really want them back with all the baggage we now have to deal with" my H did not buy her gifts they mainly spent their money on booze. they also rented a 900 + dollar apt. And he gave me no money while he was gone. However now I am dealing w/ not having money, he also lost his job, so now we really have no money. Then to top things off he totaled my car. No money from ins. cuz my loan is more then the blue book value. I just feel like the money issues keep coming. Ever since this thing started i have been on the losing end. That is what frustrates me. Sorry went off on a tangent. But I so feel what you are feeling. Sometimes I wonder why he came home. BTW she also lost her job. And she tries to have him give her money.
Sorry I vented. The way you are feeling I can so relate. I just wanted to let you know that your not the only one feeling frustrated. And to hang in there. I know I keep trying to tell myself that. ~inawe~
Thank you for listening, sometimes Ijust need to get my worst feelings out. H is hospitalized for depression. This is a new thing for me. We have been together for 15yrs and he has never even been on any medication.
Thanks for the compassion and the honesty. Its what I need right now. Martha, I finally got a good nights sleep last night which was the first time in 5 days and I do feel better. Thanks for bringing me back to reality. This roller coaster just never seems to end!!
Jen, Maybe the time in the hospital and the treatment for depression will be the trigger that brings H back to the guy you used to know.
I just know that you have asked a lot of the same questions that I have wondered about....basically, how does one go on knowing what you know???
Whatever you do, don't make any hasty decisions. As hard as it is to believe, time IS on your side. Time not only heals, but it also puts distance from the pain and allows you to evaluate your feelings when the pain is not so sharp.
Unfortunately you are also an officer's wife which comes with its own set of baggage. Unlike civilian life, H's affair will probably not just be swept under the rug which will add yet another burden on your marriage.
Just take the time you need to sort through your feelings. Hopefully, through H's treatment, there will also come a time when you can have a heart-to-heart talk with H about what went wrong, can you go on, do either of you want to continue, is the marriage worth saving?
