Thanks for stopping by my thread....there usually seems to be a kindred bond with other military wives, especially officer wives. You talk about H losing his job...is it because of the A? My H has been retired for a few years now, but I know when he was in that fraterinization was taboo. I do hope for your sake that his job (and rank) can be saved.
I can only hope to be in your shoes someday and have H come home. But, don't expect yourself to be dancing in the streets just because he is home. You need to stay true to yourself and not just hold the marriage together because it is the "right' thing to do do. On the other hand, make very, very sure that you are not withholding your feelings from H as a way to "punish" him for his mistakes.
Hi Jen, I haven't posted for quite a while but just read your story and can totally relate to your feelings - I've been through them. I, like you, had gotten to the point in my head where I was ready to move on. I couldn't take the lies and deception any more.
Then, one day at the end of September, my H told me that it was over with the OW and he was committing to our R. I was extremely skeptical - wondering when the bomb would drop again. I felt like I was walking through life faking it. Yes, this was what I had wanted all along and yet, I was feeling indifferent. So much damage was done during that time of the A. Trust was lost - our relationship will, from this point on, always be different.
Then, someone on this board told me that she had read a book (I think the one by Shirley Glass) that advises you to wait three months before deciding if you want to stay or go. Good advice... We are now at six months post-A and it definately took a good 3 months before I felt at all better. I still have my days and thoughts of distrust but my H has been wonderful (and it sounds like yours is trying, too) in helping build back the trust. We also went to MC and have learned better how to love each other (Love Languages).
All that said.. yes, your feelings are completely normal and your wanting space is, too. But, remember sometimes you have to act "as if". It will get better - I promise.
Thank you so much for the support. I have been having such a down week and your support has really helped. I think if I am really honest with myself I am scared. Actually terrified.
My H and I have been together for 15 years since I was 16 years old. I fell in love with him the day I met him. We had a really strong connection from the day we met everyone always commented on our energy together.
We have been married for 9 years and had some really difficult times. I completely accept 50% of the responsibility that lead to the A. Although, I accept 0% of what happened after it began. It was the typical cliche. He got drunk at a conference and had sex with a 22 year old enlisted soldier. I knew right when he returned something was wrong. He was a completely diifferent person. He never told me. He then started a relationship after that. He said he felt so guilty that he had to believe that there must be something about her, he has to be in love with her to do something so terrible, he said he felt so guilty he had to convince himself that we were not meant to be together. I can understand all of that, but I will not take responsibilty for how he handled it. The lies and the deception are even worse than the acti itself. How could I have been so wrong about someone?
This is going to sound really juvenile but, My H is the only man I have ever been with and that is so hard for me that there has been someone else with my husband.
He doesn't understand what a betrayal this was to me. That is why I am so thankful for all of you. I just don't think I could do this alone. You all understand what I am going through and unfortunately it is sad to say that I am not alone.
I am having a really hard day today. My husband brought roses to my office and then proceeded to tell me about how the investigation is going into his fraternization and that anything I may have said when I was upset can be used against him at this point.
What a crappy day. I am so sick of it. I could have been through all of this, why did I let him come home? I am so tired of being in limbo wondering what is going to happen next. What if all this hurt is for nothing? Sometimes I wonder if its just easier to close this chapter of my live and start a new book. Does anyone else out there feel like I do?
I know I should be happy my H brought me flowers, why does it depress me? I said thank you but, I just don't feel like it means that much. Part of the problem is I know all the money H spent on his A. He bought jewelry, clothes, trips you name it. He could lose his job and I would still be responsible for the debt he racked up on her. I don't know maybe I am just freaking out right now.
I am so sick of hearing, he is doing the right thing and that he is home. Well isn't that just great for him, he is doing the right thing, what a sacrifice on his part. Do you ever hear anyone say, wow, you are so incredibly awsome to be able to take H back after he purt your life through hell for the last 18months! Hell no you don't, they say crap like aren't you so glad he is home.
Now with him probably losing his job because of his choices, I wonder what exactly am I getting out of this relationship? Sorry, dont' mind me, I am just a women who has had her reality messed with to many times. I just had to let all that out. It is eating me up inside and I just don't know how much longer I can take it.
HM. It's a little annoying that he's coming across as saying he can get in trouble for what you said--not what he did. There's not much you can do when he's still in this phase... And it is a phase. You can agree with him that what you say/said can affect him without necessarily taking the blame for it.
Quote: What a crappy day. I am so sick of it. I could have been through all of this, why did I let him come home? I am so tired of being in limbo wondering what is going to happen next. What if all this hurt is for nothing? Sometimes I wonder if its just easier to close this chapter of my live and start a new book. Does anyone else out there feel like I do?
Yes. I noticed the feeling came up less and less, though, as time went on. One of the things that helped me, was to start creating new, fun memories together.
Quote: I know I should be happy my H brought me flowers, why does it depress me? I said thank you but, I just don't feel like it means that much. Part of the problem is I know all the money H spent on his A. He bought jewelry, clothes, trips you name it.
Sounds like your H is a gifts person.
But...at least he did make the gesture. It's a start, even if it seems small. Make sure to thank him and let him how great it was/how happy it made you/how much you loved it. That way, you are more likely to increase that behavior.
(And, yes, it's normal to feel this way, too.)
Quote: I am so sick of hearing, he is doing the right thing and that he is home. Well isn't that just great for him, he is doing the right thing, what a sacrifice on his part. Do you ever hear anyone say, wow, you are so incredibly awsome to be able to take H back after he purt your life through hell for the last 18months! Hell no you don't, they say crap like aren't you so glad he is home.
Hey, I think you are awesome for sticking this through and letting him come home.
And, BTW, this is also something I went through, as well. Besides...these are probably the same people who didn't want you to fight for your M. It's not their R, so try not to let them bother you so much.
Thank you so much, I just can't tell you how much you have helped me. You help me put things in perspective and let me know that I am not alone.
It's good and it's sad to know I am not alone, there is just so much pain and I am so tired. How can you love someone you don't trust? I feel like it is eating me alive.
We are going to try and start some of those new memories by taking the kids up snowmobiling this weekend. I so need to have a good time.
Thanks and I think you are awesome. Do you have a thread or are you just an angel that helps everyone else?
I remember when I first started posting here...I was thrilled to know what I was feeling and experiencing didn't make me crazy. H has often given me the impression that my reactions are nutty--I understand now it's just because he can't understand exactly how I feel, not because he's intentionally being callous.
It also hurt me to realize my little ideal of how an M should work just doesn't seem to exist. It might...not sure if I actually know of anyone who didn't have this kind of issue at some point. What I found interesting, while doing tons of reading, is something the statistics don't usually tell you... Yes, 50% of M's end in divorce. And, of the 50% who did divorce, often the reason cited is not infidelity. And infidelity occurs in the majority of marriages at some point (can't recall the number). Which probably means most people resolve the issue...without discussing it with anyone else. I found that strangely comforting...
Quote: How can you love someone you don't trust? I feel like it is eating me alive.
I had the same problem for awhile...I couldn't understand why I wanted someone who had walked away from me. I finally decided several things... #1, I was a big enough person to be able to accept H as a human, who made a very human mistake. #2, I could respect that what H did might possibly have been even harder--coming back, knowing the kind of mistake he had made.
I guess I've been able to see, over time, H's point of view. Sure, he handled things differently than I would have...
And, it does get better with time. Until H got worked up again, right at Christmas, I had almost forgotten about all the crap that happened. It was very, very nice. So it is possible...just takes time and patience.
Oooh, the snowmobiling sounds fun. New activities is a great way to bond!
Quote: Thanks and I think you are awesome. Do you have a thread or are you just an angel that helps everyone else?
Thanks hon! No, no angel...lol... I've received a lot of help here, just trying to pass it along. And, sssh, posting to other people helps me feel better, too.
Have a good day...
(And there is a link to my thread underneath my name.)
Thanks and I did find your thread. We had a pretty good time this weekend. H ended up getting sick, but we all seemed to have a good time anyway.
One of the problems I am having is thought stopping. Or as I better like to say it crazy making! It's those thoughts that get triggered by a name, a place, a song and then all the awful thought of what happened come rushing back. I have been doing a good job of not acting on those thoughts but I can't stand feeling that way. M H recognizes when it happens and doesn't understand I don't want to talk about it.
Does anyone have any good ways to stop yourself when that starts to happen?
I myself can't stop the thoughts that run through my head half the time so I can't help you there, but I too will tell you that you are a wonderful person who is willing to take him back and try to work on the R together. In our society we have disposable R's.....everyone tends to walk out when the going gets tough instead of work on the R. I have caught crap from everyone!! I ended up telling my own mother to mind her own business and deal with it because I loved my H and was going to work on the R. I have been called stupid adn more, but most of these people are alone and miserable who have said such things so Keep your chin up and know that you are doing what you feel is best for you. Don't let the naysayers get you down.....that is why I am so glad to have found this board!! ((((HUGS))))
Jen, something that helps me keep the crazy-making at bay is to focus on the present, and the question posed in DB to help us keep it in perspective: "If you woke up tomorrow and your relationship problems were miraculously gone, what would you be doing?" That's a paraphrase to fit your sitch.
