Penn---Yeah a list of what you want need from your H!
Quote: 1) Building up trust again- I need him to be honest and forthcoming with me. Somethings can't be proven, I will just have to take him at his word (this will take time) but if I don't believe him, instead of getting upset, show me instead of trying to convince me and understand that this will just take some time. 2) Spending time with me- Instead of cleaning the garage, or whatever the project be- take time to sit and talk with me, cuddle with me and watch a movie....anything. 3) Listen to me when I talk and tell me if he doesn't understand me. Understanding me is huge. 4) Talk to me. About anything. How your day went, etc. 5) Notes. He always used to leave me little I love you notes around the house, or buy me cards, things like that showed me he was thinking of me.
Be careful with number 2--you may find yourself upset that he doesn't "help" or "do" enough around the house. Maybe you can do projects together...not that anyone would rather clean the garage the watch a movie and cuddle.
You have probably already had your talk but if not read this link:
Geneva- Thanks for the advice. I like the idea of telling him what he is doing right so he will have incentive to continue. If I am constantly bashing him for what he HASN'T done right (like I once did) then he won't want to try anymore.
Tag- LOL.....hopefully someday you can cuddle with your W and it will all come back to you.
Unsure- Good to hear from you. How are things with you? As for #2, he has always been very good about helping around the house. He keeps up with the house and the laundry and everything. He has to tendency to constantly have projects going on, and doesn't stop until it's finished. Then, another one starts immediately. That is what I am referring to and I will make sure he knows that. Also, thanks for the link. I did read it, and I will make sure I watch how I word things.
Well, he has finished his evening project so now that he has showered and all, I think it's time. I will let you all know how it goes!! Wish me luck!
Hi everyone. Well, we had the talk last night. I was nervous all night, I don't know why. So, I told him the things that I need from him. I gave him the whole list then added another one.
It went well. He didn't have much to say or ask of me, because he had already told me his needs. He said he was worried about me. Since I hadn't been talking to him about anything he feared that I had changed my mind about reconciling with him. So, we agreed that every night when we get into bed, we will talk about our day and how we are feeling. He said he wants to be my best friend, and wants me to be his best friend. He wants us to confide in eachother, no matter how painful the truth may be. If it means that I tell him I missed my ex-bf a lot that day, or he tells me that he missed ow that day......we aren't going to hold anything in. It felt great to be able to talk and get everything out in the open.
I told him that I do sometimes miss ex-bf, and I do think of him sometimes. So, he told me that his "thing" for other woman is fading....and it is me doing it. He says it's weird and he doesn't understand it. I wanted to ask him if he thought it possible that he didn't have real love for her, more of an infatuation for the way she made him feel at the time. But, I kept my DB'ing mout shut and took what he said for what he meant and was happy with that.
So, that was the night here. After our talk, it ended quite nicely I left him a "good morning, I love you" note before I left for work this morning. I came home to an I love you card with a "Thanks for the talk last night, it really makes me feel closer to you".
I am feeling better today then I have in a couple weeks.
Hi Penngirl, how wonderful. I know you must feel relieved that it went well. I really like the idea of having a few minutes each night to talk about each other's day. I would like to have that with my H one day.
It must have been very hard for both of you to talk about the OP. It sounds like you both are really giving it a good shot. I'm happy for you.
Quote: So, that was the night here. After our talk, it ended quite nicely I left him a "good morning, I love you" note before I left for work this morning. I came home to an I love you card with a "Thanks for the talk last night, it really makes me feel closer to you".
Keep it up, you still have a long, hard journey ahead of you but you two are definitley on the right track. While on your journey remember there will be good days and bad days, eventually the bad days will be fewer and farther between. Keep the DBing principles in mind so you contine to move in a positive direction.
Things are going good with H. We had a talk over the weekend. He asked again about ex-bf about whether or not I miss him. I told him sometimes I still think about him and some of the times we had or things he said to me. That hurt him to hear, but I wasn't going to lie. He said if he thinks of OW once a day it's something, and it's only to wonder if she's ok or not. (abuse history ) Then he proceeded to tell me that when he was with OW, his life was nothing but aggravation and stress. He let the business go to cr@p, everything. So now that we are back together, he says his life feels a lot less stressful, he is motivated to build the business back up and get things done. That he's happier. Then he also mentioned that he is very jealous of my ex-bf! Evidently, he has been jealous of all the guys I was dating, not only the one or two I got into a R with while we were seperated.
Last night was nice. We went to a restaurant that he had never been to. I happen to love the place. Ofcourse, the "who did you come here with" questions started. He is very inquisitive as to what I used to do. He wanted to know if I missed dating, going out dancing, etc. I told him I did miss going out dancing, but not much else. I asked him if he missed his freedom. His response was he didn't think of it as freedom, he spent a lot of nights home alone just watching movies. He then floored me by telling me there were many times he just wanted to pick up the phone and call me "just to talk".
I really didn't know what to say, so I didn't really say anything. I just looked at him and smiled.
Not to say that things are perfect. They aren't. We had a disagreement the other morning. Instead of what used to happen (defensiveness, screaming and yelling) we were able to get angry with each other and not have it escalate. It lasted all of ten minutes, then we solved it and it ended with hugs and kisses.
Overall, things seem to be moving in the right direction. There is the issue of ML. We both have HD's, but when I am tired, I am tired....I loose the "mood" so to speak. So, it's a bit of an issue. I get up early every morning for work. By the time the kids are in bed and SLEEPING at night, I am ready for bed. Anyone else ever have this issue? I don't know what to do about it. It was easy before we seperated, I was a stay at home mom not a full time worker. I carry the health coverage so I can't leave my job, plus I like it and I don't want to. Any tips would be appreciated!!!
Hi Penn---I'm so glad for your update and that things seem to be going well.
Quote: Instead of what used to happen (defensiveness, screaming and yelling) we were able to get angry with each other and not have it escalate
I think if you remember to keep DBing you will have a very successful marriage, it is when we slide into old habits that things go down hill!
Quote: There is the issue of ML. We both have HD's, but when I am tired, I am tired....I loose the "mood" so to speak. So, it's a bit of an issue. I get up early every morning for work. By the time the kids are in bed and SLEEPING at night, I am ready for bed. Anyone else ever have this issue? I don't know what to do about it.
YES! This was a big part of our issue pre-bomb, except I'm pretty LD. The only way to solve it is to just DO IT! I know you're tired, sometimes on the weekend we put the kids in bed for "quiet time" because mommy and daddy are going to take a "nap." Get creative on this one, in general men place a whole lot more emphasis on sex than women...I would be happy with lots of snuggling but I don't get that. Order take out or fast food once a week, skip the bath and put the kids to bed a bit early, get in the mood...take a shower, freshen up and a little foreplay usually wakes me up!
Unsure.....thanks for stopping by. I caught up on your sitch. Sounds like you have been on bit of a roller coaster there.
Thanks for the advice. I know that I should just "do it". I'm usually not too good at faking being "into" it. That's my biggest problem. I will try to put your tips to use though. Nap time for us is out of the question. Kids are just too nosy for that!!!!
But you are 100% right when you say men put higher emphasis on sex. Alteast, as far as my H goes. It is very important to him. It's important to me too though, just not as important. I, like you, am happy with cuddling most nights.(because I am too tired for much else!)
I will post a bit on your sitch after the rugrats are in bed!!
so now that he has showered and all, I think it's time. I will let you all know how it goes!! Wish me luck!
I left him a "good morning, I love you" note before I left for work this morning. I came home to an I love you card with a "Thanks for the talk last night, it really makes me feel closer to you".
Order take out or fast food once a week, skip the bath and put the kids to bed a bit early, get in the mood...take a shower, freshen up and a little foreplay usually wakes me up! 
Just wanted to stop in and check up on you.