Hi everyone. I posted here a while ago, but my situation has changed since then. m-29 ex- 33 2 kids married- 10 years seperated- 1+ years (Ex had A) divorce- 5/2004 will be final 2/2005.
My ex and I are trying to put our marriage back together. So far, things are going good. He asked me if he could move back in with me and the kids, and I said he could. So, we are a family unit again. Communication is better then it has ever been. The problem is I am so insecure. I am constantly privately doubting his proclomations of love and happiness. I want to believe him, and sometimes I do. I do tell him when it is starting to be an issue, and we talk about it. He does his best to assure that this is what he wants and yes he still loves me.
Is this a normal part of the process? I have accepted and forgiven the mistakes in the marriage on both our parts, and so has he. I am trying to figure out a way to look for the positives in our day to day life to take the focus off the negative insecurity.
Has anyone else been through this? Is this normal? Is there a way to focus on the positive and try to move ahead?
Well first off, congratulations. You're going to have to tell us how it happened.
From what I hear, it is a rocky road for both partners, no matter how well meaning they are, because we're human. So, it's normal. I just read an excellent book you should get a copy or read it at the library, and it covers a lot of how you both feel and what is happening and how to work through it. "After The Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD.
Thanks for the reply NY Survivor. I have heard of that book, I guess I will have to check it out.
Are you asking how the reconciliation happened? Well, basically, I accepted, forgave and moved on with my life. My ex saw the positive changes in me when I was able to find my own happiness and live a full life, and remembered why he fell in love with me. I, on the other hand, had moved on to a relationship with a great guy. Things were going good with us, we were talking possible marriage. (my divorce was supposed to be final 8/2004, just found out it never finalized) Over the last few months leading into Christmas the "atmosphere" between my ex and me changed. He was lingering when it was time to drop off the kids. He would come to my house and make dinner for me and the kids while I was working, have coffee ready for me, things like that. Then on Christmas Eve. he came over to help me with the kids gifts. He bought me a bottle of my favorite wine and a beautiful card. We set up the gifts, and he asked what was going on between us. I told him I didn' know. For the first time ever, we sat there and discussed our feelings. At that point, we both knew there was still love between us and we wanted to explore that. We kissed, we hugged and it just felt so good and so right. We have basically been together since. I had to make the difficult decision of ending it with my boyfriend to try and repair our marriage. I really regret having hurt him and his son.
So, up to this point, things seem good. He says he is happy, he loves me, he feels happy to be home. I am happy, and I love him, but I am nonetheless insecure about this whole thing. I knew going into this that it wasn't going to be easy.
Finding out yesterday that our D was never final was difficult. I told him that he could sign the papers today and it would be done with today, or that if he didn't sign them it would be another month. He said that he wants to be married to me, he won't sign because he doesn't want the divorce. He also realizes that it is in my best financial interest to go through with the divorce. My credit survived this whole thing, his didn't. I am trying to buy investment property and can't if we are married with his debt. He told me that he is leaving it up to me, since I am the only one who can stop it because I am the plaintiff. He says he doesn't want me to have to suffer anymore for his mistake, so he understands if I go through with it. He also said that whether or not I stopped it, he is putting his wedding ring back on and considers us married.
So now, I almost feel like I am going through it all over again. Only this time, we are together. I still feel a sense of loss because atleast for the next month, he is my husband and not my ex. I am torn as to whether or not to stop it. I think that in the long run, it will be for my own good to get it over with. Then I can't question his reasons for getting back together with me. If we ever do remarry, I know it's for me and not financial security. I hope that makes sense.
So, yes, it is a rocky road. There are a lot of things going on. I am having difficulty tying in all the things I got out of the DB books to make this work. I read them both, and I believe they are the reason I am the person I am today. I think the changes I made are permanent, and I prove that to myself everyday with the 180's I continue to see as I handle what life throws me. I guess I just hope it's enough.
I am just rambling now....but it feels good to get it out. Thanks for bearing with me if you read this far!
WOW! Double WOW...I actually came over to piecing to post to Underwood that there was a thread on Surviving that she might enjoy..but I clicked on this for whatever reason.
I have no idea about your sitch...but you are one strong woman and I sure hope that you are able to piece back your R with the almostX ( ). If I may offer a little advice based on a past experience of mine (with the realization that it may have little or no bearing on your own sitch): In l995, after 16 years of marriage, I felt so rejected and emotionally abused by my X (a PA withholder is my best guess) that I asked him to leave. At first, he wanted to work on the M and I was too hurt, but then I read Divorce Busting (it honestly FELL on my head when I was in a bookstore )and knew that I didn't want to give up on my M. I had to change a lot of things about myself in order to win him back (he was a young doc who quickly learned that it wasn't so bad being a sincle good looking 45 year old!!!)...but this all happened over only a couple of months and after just a few days of DB we were head over heels in love again. Now the bad part: for two years everything was bliss BUT an issue that has been causal to my feeling rejected the first time (my husband has this problem with weight...not a lot of weight, just a little over skinny and when it happens he withholds sex for YEARS) came up again....And things kinda fell apart over the next 2 years and then he left me and we are divorced.
I'm saying this only becasue of what we DIDNT do after our reconciliation. Becasue I regret that we didn't do it, even if it may not have had any bearing on the final result. I remember so clearly that when we fell back in love that I didn't want to do anything that would burst the bubble...so, instead of being smart and finding a good counselor to help us when things got hard or when communication got muddied...I thought that we were in such great shape that we didn't need to find out what had happened that caused both of us (or at least certainly me) so much pain. I will always wonder if our marriage couldn't have been saved if we had gotten help. I've learned (I think) of the unhealthy dynamic we had: pretty sure H was PA and I was an enabler/fixer. DB brought us back together; but without figuring out what it was driving us apart we weren't able to sustain our marriage. I think it hurts more the 2nd go round...I fear I am now damaged far beyond the point of healing whereas I think I may have adapted better if we had divorced back then.
SO: my advice is this. SOMETHING went wrong in your marriage ...maybe it was different communication styles, maybe one of you weren't emotinally available to the other. And then there was an affair and a breaking of trust. For your newly forged love to deepen and last, I think you might need a third party (a counselor, therapist, pastor...someone you both like and trust....to be there for you when things like your insecurities pop up. Maybe someone to try to facilitate good communication between you and someone who can dig up those buried resentments before they eat away at your new love.
I don't know if the lack of that 3rd party is what doomed my marriage....but I guess if you tired it, it couldn't hurt as long as both of you felt it would help.
I hope your new love will grow and that you two will grow old together! You've obvously worked so hard at this, and you should both be proud of your new committment and of yourselves! God Bless!!! gd
Yes, what gd says makes sense. What allowed the marriage to fall apart? Not just *your* 'faults' that you fixed right? What was the dynamic that got you to the D, what was your H's part in that?
Time to be honest and address some of those issues and work on being on the same page about them.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thank you GD1 and Livenlearn. As far as being honest as to why the marriage fell apart in the first place has been addressed for the last year.
We married young. Right from the beginning there were communication issues between us. Over the years, we went through a lot together. We both got to the point where we were frustrated with the marriage, and not getting what we needed from it. We always discussed our needs, but it was a contest to see who was going to "change" first. Ofcourse, neither one of us ever did a thing about trying to meet the other one's needs. So, over the years (with the help of b ad communication) the feelings of frustration, anger, resentment and unhappiness grew very strong. My stbx(?) needed to feel wanted, loved and needed. I did none of those things for him. I needed to feel loved, appreciated and understood. He did none of those things for me. If one of us said we weren't happy, the other one had the "Oh well" attitude. Our sex life suffered greatly because of all our issues, it was almost non-existent. Affection was a thing of the past at that point. We literally sat on different couches and slept on opposite sides of the bed.
For him, the OW was able to make him feel all the things he needed from me in out marriage.
So now, we both agree, that if one of us has a problem it is something that needs to be paid attention to. Everything else stops until that issue is discussed and solved. As for the counseling, I agree that it is a good idea at this point.
Last night, we had an issue that ended in hurt feelings. He asked if I was going to stop the D. I told him that I was supposed to bring a letter to the lawyer yesterday if I wanted it stopped. I told him that I didn't because he kept saying that it is in my best financial interest that I let it go through. He was hurt and said "I also said that I wanted to stay married you more then anything so you are basically saying that buying property is more important then staying married to me." That isn't the case. It isn't more important to me and I told him that. I told him there was a misunderstanding because he stressed that fact, I thought that was what he was saying for me to do, but not that he wanted me to do that. I really didn't know what to say. I knew that I had hurt him and that my actions (or lack thereof) sent him a big message. We are two weeks away from our anniversary. Would I want to give that up just to start over from step 1???
Gd1- as for "bursting that bubble" I know exactly what you are talking about. Sometimes, that is exactly how I feel. Thanks for sharing your story.
All in all, right now it's baby steps for us with this whole thing. The issue of the D is now a black cloud hanging over our heads. I don't know what I am going to do about that yet.
What a great story? The subsequent counsel is sage, it ain't over. Tell me, my W filed and regardless of my 15 readings, individual C and joint C she seems locked into D. It's like "if I don't see this through, I'm a failure." What went through your mind to facilitate R? TAGIII
Hi TAGIII.....thanks for reading. To answer your question, what went through my mind when he approached me for reconciliation was all the good times we had over the last 11 years. All of a sudden, I remembered the good times. The bad ones didn't seem as bad or as often as I had once remembered it. I remembered the love, but I also felt it again too. Then I thought of the future, and my children having their family intact once again.
As far as the D, I guess because I am in a different frame of mind then your W, I wouldn't see myself as a failure for not seeing it through. Quite the opposite, although financially it isn't the wisest decision, in every other aspect it is. Although I haven't read your sitch, I am sorry to hear that you are going through all these strides to no avail. One thing I learned, detachment is key.
Thanks again for reading. I hope I answered your question.
The last couple of days have been ok. When H and I were talking/starting reconciliation, he was still talking to OW. They were no longer in a "relationship". They were seeing other people but still in contact with the occasional visit.(long distance R) He told her about us and asked her to stop calling. This was something that he did on his own. I didn't ask him to stop talking to her. I told him if he wanted to talk to her or see her, then he was going to do it. If he felt he wanted to be with her, then he should do everything that he can to try and make it work with her. He said that although they went through a lot together (they both left their marriages for one another) and he considered her a friend, he wanted to be with me and he didn't see the point in talking to her anymore. I asked him then, in the beginning if he still had feelings for her. He said he did and wondered if it was possible to love two people. I haven't asked him since how he felt towards her. She called him again last night, even though he asked her to stop. She seems to be having a hard time letting go. I didn't hear the conversation between them, but he told her he asked her again not to call him and told her he had moved back in with me and the kids. He seems to tell me everytime she calls, and what they say to eachother. (I don't ask, I figure he will tell me what he wants me to know)
On the flip side of that, the guy that I broke up with in order to work things out is still contacting me. Says he still loves me, wants me to get back with him, etc. Asks me to call him, if we can see eachother, if I can email pictures. My H knows we chat on the computer, I don't hide it. He says that is not going to try and control me by telling me what to do.(not to talk to him) My H knew that it wasn't easy for me to say goodbye to the good thing I had with my bf. It was a tough decision but I feel I made the right one for myself and my kids. I still have feelings for my ex-bf, but I love my H and want my life back.
So, some positives out of this whole mess of a story is that H now feels that he can open up and talk to me without walking on eggshells. That used to be a big issue in our marriage. I, on the other hand, seem to have come out of our situation a stronger person. I don't feel the need to constantly ask him what he feels for the OW. I am content in knowing that if this reconciliation doesn't work, I am still a good person and there are plenty of people in my life that I have to love and be loved by. I am happy, and that happiness doesn't depend on whether or not this reconciliation works. The happiness comes from me.
There is one thing I am struggling with though. We used to have a "special song". When helping him move, I noticed he had bought the cd. Strange, since this isn't a very popular artist. He told me he bought it for them for a song that was on it. I knew what song he meant and I was devastated. I couldn't help it, I started crying. He consoled me, apologized, and said if made me feel better it was her idea and he used to think of me when they played it. Ofcourse it didn't make me feel better, I was hurt. Now, as silly as it seems, I am afraid to hear that song. Afraid that I will start crying again. I mean, it's only a song right? I guess I never realized that letting go of the past in order not be bound to it, I would have to let the good go with the bad. I think this is something that I need to work on.
pennygirl Last night I dined on one of my favorites; filets de perches over looking Lake Geneva in Switzerland with a friend who was dispondent by an unfortunate turn of events. This morning I wrote him an email that went like this (details removed) "I once heard it said that the true test of a man is the length of the shadow he casts and from what I've seen here in Geneva your shadow touches everyone. You will be sorely missed but your accomplishments will remain like a statue and stand as testimony to not only the XXX accomplishments but also to the lives you've touched and improved.
You are a change agent and your work is not yet done."
Now, for that one brilliant statement I make 10 dumb ones like the stupid one by you H. My guess is if his statement were on a string he now wishes he could reel it back in. At a Mission by Father Tom Allender he said "don't take it personal. He would have said the same thing to anyone." Chaulk it up as an emotionally stupid statement. P.S. Thanks for you response earlier. This detachment thing is tough. But in our case we've been apart for weeks at a time. Recently since Jan2. I return tomorrow. This is hard work with little observable progress other than my increase in patience and empathy. My once chetter box W now talks in sound bites but at least she talks. “The only way out is through.” I Ching Ciao TAGIII
). If I may offer a little advice based on a past experience of mine (with the realization that it may have little or no bearing on your own sitch): 