Zooland Revisited

[psluke]

Hi Zoo,

I hope you are feeling better today and your new medicine isn't going to end up giving you problems.

Take care and hope to find something out for you on agility soon.

[Zoo]

Hey all...I haven't gone away again just ye lol. H was clenaing house on the computers so they were unavailable all weekend.

I know I still haven[t gotten in to why I am back posting. I will try to do that later this evening when things settle around here a bit. My evenings are ususally pretty full with animal chores and all.

H and I had a good weekend for the most part. it was a little rough the first night or so but mostly because he was so tired and wrung out from the previous 10 days. Once he got rested up it went well. We even did some R talking off and on which went well. It bothers him that i still need a lot of reassurance but he seems to accept it fo the most part. I just have to be VERY careful with my tone of voice and wording. Part of the problem I see here is that I stuttered for so long that he got use to that form of communication and he doesn't truly know how to interpret our convos now that i don't. There is no filling in the blanks or anticipating the direction I am trying to go. In the same vein I am re-learning how to express myself properly all over again. I am overly blunt now...even moreso than I was before (no frustration to slow me down )and it leads to some bad moments. We are learning though.

My meds are truly givning me fits. i feel lousy and then i had a szr the other night. I pretty much expected it to happen feeling the way I did. I am taking consolation though in it being 2 mos between szr's. That is the longest I have gone in the 5 1/2 yrs i have been having them ! I'll get eher sooner or later :D

By for now,
Zoo

[psluke]

then i had a szr the other night.

You didn't tell me you had had a seizure.

{{{Zoo}}}

I am online and miss you!

Did you get my e-mail on the classes?

I think there is a UKC club in Evansville as well. If I find anything out I will let you know.

[Zoo]

Arrgggh! I had this whole long thing typed out and I lost it...WHY does this always happen???

Pretty uneventful and boring weekend really. H spent most of the time stuck in HAM radio land LOL. Ya know, I like the stuff too but there is only so much I can take...then I start dreaming about circuit boards and electronic equations and all kinds of crazy stuff. Same thign use to happen to me when I worked on electronics all of the time...probably part of the reason I got out of the field (technicolor dreams of ohms sliding down transistor slides, jumping over these HUGE transformer conyons....*shudder* ). Oh well, it is a hole new area to H...something he has never delved into before so i guess i should be glad he is occupied by something. Me...I have my chickens and their inherent frustrations (have some chicks hatching out the middle of this week and next if all goes well )

We have actually been able to talk about small emotional things lately...kinda surprises me. Guess H got a lot of minor frustrations out while he was packing sandbags...it has been a while since i have seen him that happy to be home and around me so much SOme of it may also come from his finding one of his half sisters (H is adopted but...a whole weird situation that is currently being unraveled) and delving into the whole family history thing. I am learning things along the way that he has never told me about. A lot of things that he never really thought of as important or significant are now turning out to be...it is kind of like watching a flower unfold and seeing each layer of petals as it happens. I really want to believe that only good can come out of this...I am hoping that holds true.

My anger waxes and wanes as usual. I seem to be on the down side of it here lately. I still have a day here and there but it isn't EVERY day like it was. Perhaps H's sandbag duty help that as well...his being away and all?? A lot of it centers around where he works at. NOt a day goes by that I wish he wouldn't have to go back. That place wears on him and pulls him down. He doesn't see it beyond being tired all of the time. I have mentioned the way he acts while he is working at the plant...not being a pain in the ass about it...just metioning that I have noticed that it tends to put him in a bad mood. I have stopped trying to talk to him about his work It seemed to work ok for a while but then he started getting annoyed by it...said he didn't want to talk about work at home, that he spent enough time there the way it was. I got the feeling that he just thought I was trying to be nosy ...how he got that out of my asking "how was your evening, not to busy I hope?" was being nosy I will never know. I just dropped it, no sense in going there if he doesn't want to be civil about it.

I am being more assertive and decisive. I have instigated a "date" night that we will have at least once a month. I have gotten tired waiting for him to do this on his own (another one of those things that falls under "when i have time and when I'm not tired"...or ends up getting cancelled because he times it to coincide with something else he "forgot" he had to do. I told him about my plan...he actually seemed pleased by it A light bulb went off then...I realized I am still in "wait" mode most of the time. I haven't figured out how to stop walking on egg-shells yet it seems NOw watch me over-shoot it and end up seeming controlling

That is the best i can summarize right some of what I typed before right now...probably still seems like a lot LOL.

Zoo

[Zoo]

Ya know...I keep avoiding the issue that brought me back here...i think I may be afraid of going off on a rant that will make absolutely no sense, sound petty and then i'll end up feeling really idiotic

I still have problems ALLOWING myself to express anger. Tonight that really came home when H threw one of his temper tantrums. He pulled his usual PA defensive stunt and I of course started defending my responses as is my want. Then he got really pissy and hung up on me...

I put on the brakes and said WHOA! I AM NOT going to be apologetic and bow down this time! I'm tired of it and frankly...I don't like myself very much when I do it.

So I did a 180 and I emailed him.

I dont' do this as a norm. I have tried it a couple of times in the past and never even received a response back so I just wrote it off as "something not to do". I was angry enough to say to hell with it though.

I told him if he wanted to be rude that was fine. I did NOT ask for the information he gave me but he made an ASSUMPTION and acted upon it anyway. I told him my primary purpose in wanting to get ahold of him was to have him pick something up for me at the store and I would appreciate him doing so. I signed it with nothing more then my initial.

When he came home for supper the first thing he did was apologise to me and told me he wasn't mad at ME but at something that happened at work. My only reply was " I have no idea what is going on at work. You didnt tell me and I no longer ask because you don't like it when I do". he then told me what was going on and everything was ok afterward.

I feel good about myself now too

I had the sad priviledge of lending my DR book to a friend this week It is a young guy that H likes a great deal and has been trying to help (he got him his job and they talk alot). J called this weekend totally disillusioned. He and his W signed the mortgage on their new home this past Fri and then she asked him for a D on Sat She informed him there was "someone else" and that she no longer loved him He knows about H and I's past problems so he turned to us for advice. I felt kind of awkward at first because I had no idea what H was giving him for advice and I didn't want us to be on opposite sides of the fence. It surprised me when H said he was telling J not to give up and that thing could be worked out. H told me he thought it would be a good idea to lend J my book...he even told J that some of the stuff would seem kind of hokey at first but that it had good stuff in it and it DID work I am trying to help J get on the good db track and he calls me several times a day. He still isnt sure of it but he is at least reading DR and trying to put some of my advice to work. Of course, he thinks right now that what is being suggested is going to just push her further away and make her think a D is something he is ok with J has at least gotten his W to agree to see a counselor with him (hopefully she won't bail) and he is going to move back into his house to keep an eye on his kids (he went to the house the other night and found an 11 yr old taking care of his two kids and 3 others with no idea when the adults would be back , he took the kids back to his moms with him after that) . I have watched the kids for him when he needed to run errands. It is all so sad Unfortunately he doesnt have a computer so he can get on the BB so I may end up posting some questions for him. I am wondering if it might be a good idea for me to post his queries in Newcomers and then print the replies out for him so he gets more input than just what I give him? The general mentality around the whole town is that divorce solves ALL marital problems

TTFN
Zoo

[Zoo]

well, I don't know if i did the right thing or not

I told J that it was easier to DB while you are still in the house...so he decided to move back home. His W is positively livid about it! He called to tell me that she is trying to get a restraining order against him and force him back out of the house. What I know about restraining orders is rather sketchy but am I right in thinking that you have to have CAUSE in order to get one? Doesn't there have to be some evidence of possible bodily harm involved? I told him i didn't think she could get one just becuase she didn't want him living in his own house.

I feel so sorry for him He has found out that his W has not been paying the bills for quite some time and he has no idea where the money he has given her to do so has gone. He got a hold of the people he signed his mortgage with and got them to postpone the filing of it. He thinks she waited until after they signed it to drop the bomb on him thinking she could get the house while he paid for it. He found paperwork where she was trying to apply for welfare...she can not get it while he lives in the house so it gives her another reason to be angry at him.

I did advise him not to give her any more money. I suggested that he pay the household bills himself and buy the groceries, etc. so the kids are taken cared of and let her be responsible for her own bills (she does have a job and has always been able to keep the money she earns from it for herself). I guess he decided to take my advice and set this as a boundary with her as well as letting her know that she was free to come and go as she pleased but she was not to bring her OM into the house.

His big worry is the kids right now. He found the house totally trashed and no food (despite his giving her money to buy groceries when she asked for it for that purpose). He keeps coming home to find that the kids are at someone else's place instead of at home with his W. I am not sure what to advise him about this kind of sitch since I personally find such behaviour in a mother deplorable. I keep emphasizing to him that the children come first, separate from what is going on between he and his W, and he wholeheartedly agrees. What do you do though when the WAW doesn't seem to agree with that thought? Yet she would not agree to give him temporary custody of the children I could speculate about some of her motive in denying him that but that is all it would be...speculation. He did say that she is suddenly obsessed with the amount of money he has...wanting to know how much his paycheck would be and when he would get it. He said she keeps asking him for money too and gets po'd when he won't give her any. SHe has asked him for a specific amount of their tax return as well (I think to pay for a lawyer) but I guess he told her no...not the amount she has asked for anyway.

I'm putting this up here because J can't post himself. Oh, by the way...J is 24 and his W is 23. I have offered to talk to her myself as well...from a previous WAW perspective rather then a DB one though. I don't want to try to ram that down her throat...I think enough people are telling her she is messing things up the way it is

I did tell J that in the end they will both have to make their choices for themselves. I can give him advice but he doesn't have to take it, and I can help with any confusion about DR/DB. IT's all in his hands now and not to expect any cooperation from his W on this. I do hope I am doing the right thing.

Regrds,
Zoo

PS: Things are going well here right now on my own personal R front

[Zoo]

Ok...Zoo is having one of those BAD questioning moments and experiencing runaway thinking again...GRRRRRR!

H has Guard this weekend. It is one of those 3 day ones and normally no big deal. I was doing some checkbook balancing though and saw on my online bank statement that he used his credit card for gas. He supposedly went up to trainng in a government vehicle though and they have gas cards for those so his buying gas makes no sense. I keep telling myself that maybe they forgot the gas card but still...it leads to runaway thinking

I haven't had this problem in a while. Perhaps it is from being caught up in someone else's drama? It makes me tense though and i have that queasy feeling in my stomache. H didn't call last night either as he said he would and that doesn't help. I can find a dozen reasons WHY he didn't call too

Ok...H just called me See, this is the insanity of runaway thinking. The gas thing...he drove someone else's POV up. I still don't get WHY he did that, something about so they wouldn't have to walk all over the place I guess (I don't know...sounded lame to me). H said he got all of his stuff done so he was going to see if he could just come home tonight. At least he got my medical snafu taken care of while he is up there.

I hate untrusting moments. I keep thinking i have them licked and then something will send me off on a tangent. THis one started innocently enough...I was annoyed because I thougth he might have taken our truck up there and we really can't afford for him to drive that gas- guzzling monster to Indiannapolis and back. It was that "Indy and back thought" that lead to the next thought...why would he be driving back and forth? Then the next..."I thought he was suppose to be staying up there with the unit, but what if he isn't?" And so on and so on

This all despite H saying before he left that he could never live with himself if he let me drive the truck and I had a seizure (I offered to drive him to the armory) and something happened. That he wouldn't want to go on without me. I made the statement "we all have to go sometime" to which he replied "yes, but I need you, I want you to always be here and I want to be the first one of us to go (pass on)". And the night before he referred to me as the "love of his life". He has been saying that a lot lately and that is kind of unusual in itself. These types of things should boost my confidence and make me feel secure right??

Ack!!!

Well, I have an engine to start working on so I guess I should get to it. Maybe it will allay some of my tension?

Zoo

[psluke]

Well, I have an engine to start working on so I guess I should get to it. Maybe it will allay some of my tension?

What a different kind of stress relief. LOL

Did you sleep last night? I would bet trying to help someone else, maybe even talking with me last night just stirred some things up, especially if you did not get any rest.

Hope you are feeling much better now and the engine problem was something you could fix.

[Zoo]

Grrrr...darn engine didn't get done today since I couldn't find the tools I needed to get the darn valve covers off. H would not have like to hear the names I was spewing whiel I was trying to find them either.

His disorganization dries me bonkers. I have enough problems with my own forgetfulness without that thrown in. I bought new pliers the other day and told him to PLEASE make sure that they go back into MY toolbox if he needed to use them. I've been searching for the last set I bought for the past 2 weeks now.

So, the car sits there unfixed...all for want of a 5/16 " deep socket

He hasn't called or shown up either so I guess he isn't coming home tonight... which means I can't go BUY the tools I need either

The other sitch with my friend I guess has been resolved for the moment. J's W called him and asked him to come home, asked for her wedding ring back and agreed to go to counseling. Apparently her best friend , whom she respects a lot, read her the riot act in regard to her actions lately and got her to see what she was throwing away?? I don't know what to think about it right now but I hope she is sincere and they get it all worked out.

Zoo