Ya know...I told myself I wasn't going to post anything of my own. My reason for leaving the bb was because H asked me too...it was causing unwarranted friction in our R and I had to respect that.
I needed somplace to talk though and the BB is probably the best support network I have ever had. There are so many wise and wonderful people here and I have always benefited from their knowledge and advice
Those who know me know that H and I reconciled at the end of Aug in 2003. The R is still going well for the most part although it has taken some stress hits from time to time. I have to admit that many of those hits were due to my crzymaking or "weirdness" as my H so fondly refers to it. The rest are issues of quality time. H's job and National Guard service have taken up a great deal of the past year and it seems as if it is going to hold true for this year as well At least this year has started out seeming that way
A number of positives were achieved this year. Some things have stayed the same. Some things still need a lot of work on them
Some Positives:
-Most goals were achieved. Granted...I kept things pretty simple but I needed that in order to keep my sanity. I am in the process of developing more goals and widening the scope.
- H gave me the RING for Christmas this year Some will probably remember how disappointed I was last xmas. I dreaded this xmas and having him ask me what I wanted. When he did I bit the bullet ("ask for what you want") but I told him that if it wasn't a gift HE felt he wanted to give me I understood and would APPRECIATE anything he chose. He truly surprised me though by not getting me a new wedding band (what I asked for) and instead got me an emerald and diamond engagement ring (I didn't have an engagement ring...we were pretty poor at the time).
- H took on some financial responsibility. He decided to work two full-time jobs for awhile to get rid of some of our debt that had occured while he was busy hanging out on another planet. He is still staying involved in the finances as well. My meds were increased and i have some cognitive difficulties because of it. I made a huge mess out of our bank account because I could no longer understand the program I was using. He developed a new program for me and goes over it with me every month to make sure I haven't forgotten or overlooked anything. - I got my Amateur Radio License along with H. This is something we both enjoy and can do together. H was actually surprised by my interest in it. Duh! Radios and electronics were my job for 6 years lol. Just becuase I don't want to WORK on them all of the time doesn't mean I wouldn't like the more enjoyable aspects of them.
-I've dropped the rope on a few of my "triggers". They were definitely cheeseless tunnels for me and truly accomplished nothing other than cause me to start crazymaking again.
- I don't stutter any more. I have not had a seizure in two months. My increased med dosage has at least HELPED in this area.
Things that have stayed the same
-H still doesn't like R talk. He'll do it but i can tell it makes him uncomfortable. He is truly not an emotionally open person.
-communication skills still need work. H has a lot of problems with ASSumptions and I still haven't figured out how to get things across in the right way or with the right tone of voice.
-I still ask too many questions. This is something I just do in general and it drives him nuts. The sad thing is that I KNOW this but i haven't figured out a way to control it well He says I question EVERYTHING...I say I just want to know things and learn from them. A cheeseless tunnel I cant stop running down.
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
-I am angry A LOT. That is the big reason for me coming back to the bb. I'm still angry about many aspects of our old sitch and some days it feels like it is getting out of control. It isn't about the OW and the EA/PA. A lot of it has to do with my SELF. I never really got a chance to express my anger at the time and most of it comes out of that. It all just sits there simmering all of the time.
-H has fallen back into the habit of tuning me out. That is probably my doing for the most part, what with the question asking. Some of it has to do with him being tired all of the time too because of his work and the Guard. I keep looking for some form of compromise for all of this but havne't hit upon a workable solution yet. I am not going to sit here and be silent all of the time. Been there and done that...part of the reason I ended up on the BB to begin with.
-H lost interest in those damn chickens he was so insistent on getting. He says it is because he doesn't have time for them. I think it is because they require more work than he expected. I have taken them over completely and have in turn become obsessed with them. It probably seems to him that they are all I can talk about now Actually, that isn't true. Talking about them has become my current solution to refrain from asking so many unwanted questions. I don't think he has figured that out yet though.
-I've lost a LOT of my animals this year. This has caused me a considerable amount of emotional pain. I feel like i have failed somehow with them or else i have the rottenest luck in the world. I could almost wonder if this is the payment exacted from me for getting my M and H back
-My parents moved back to OH...very suddenly and with what I personally don't think were actual good reasons to do so. When I say suddenly I mean they called me up to say they were going to OH and 2 weeks later are packing up their house and putting it on a moving truck. I think my mom thought Pops was cheating on her again (she alluded to it anyway) and gave him an ultimatum of we move or else...without telling him WHY precisely she wanted to go back. He of course was all for it because it meant he could quit his job. It is all just really fishy because a few days before she informed me of their moving we had talked, she was going on about how much she really like their house and Pops having a steady job, gettting together for the holidays and stuff we all wanted to do together. IT was all pretty weird...then she started telling me lies about various things (if there is one thing I know it is when my mom is lying). When that started I washed my hands of the sitch. H was pretty upset because Pops lied at work about why he was leaving and H got sideswiped by it. H said it didn't reflect well on him because he was the one who got Pops his job. What a mess.
-Quality time has become an issue. H has not had a vacation in over a year. When he isn't working at his job/Guard he is trying to catch up on work around the house. He is so tired all of the time tht he is hard pressed to find motivation to do that. The little bit of time he has free he usually just wants to sleep or relax here at home. The time he finds for us to spend actively together is usually spent grocery shopping or running around doing errands. He has made plans for us to DO something (movies, go out to eat, etc) but the always seem to fall through. I try my best to be understanding but I won't deny I feel resentment at times. He expresses resentment about lack of QT as well. There are only so many hours in a day though.
Now...on that last one. H's Guard unit is currently activated right now due to all of the flooding we are experiencing down here. He has been packing sandbags and/or stacking them since last Wed. He has his handheld HAM radio with him and contacts me several times a day just to talk and check up on me. Tonight he called me on the radio and said "Hon, I'm borrowing someones jeep and I'm coming home for a few hours to get cleaned up and to spend some time with you". He tried to do this yesterday but when he got home he had to turn around and go right back (phone call "return ASAP"). He got home tonight and ACTUALLY SPENT TIME WITH ME He got cleaned up and put in a movie and we chilled out together on the couch and watched it. I made him a salad to eat while he watched the movie (they have been feeding them a lot of fast food and it is making him feel pretty crappy) and we chit chatted a bit. It was really nice. he said if he has to keep doing the guard thing through the weekend he is going to tell them he HAS to have a day off so that he can take me to the grocery/shopping etc, and so we can spend a bit more time together. He said he explained our sitch to his 1st sergeant (I can't drive, my epilepsy, my being here alone) so it shouldn't be a problem. They told him they would work with him (hence letting him come home for a couple of hours tonight).
At least this tells me tht H has some of the same concerns tht I do regarding our time together. I will admit that sometimes I wonder about it.
Well, I have typed an encyclopedia so I probably shoudl sign off now. I'll get into the whole anger thing later. I also have to figure out how to handle H regarding the BB thing too
Thanks for listening/reading, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I suppose Welcome Back doesn't sound quit right, but, Welcome Back to the fold.
No one swings a 2 x 4 like you do!!! LOL
2005 we have all decided here is going to be a better year.
I know the anger has to be processed but you also have way too much alone time to dwell on it. Did anything come of the job you were checking on? I will check on Agility in the Evansville area for you, wish you were closer and could go to Louisville with me.
Take care and lots of hugs!
Glad H made it for the clean up and qt this trip.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I remember your posts from a while back. I am impressed with your posts to Kevinlost. Seeing a DBer falling for a little friendly and understanding attention so that he deviates from the path really drives home how it works for the WASs too - a temporary reprieve from the grind of working out their M problems!
Why is it SOOOOOO difficult to find BOTH spouses on the same page at the same time, working on their problems TOGETHER?
I would really appreciate you visitng me 'next door' at my thread - I have an open door policy for drop in guests, with coffee and cake!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hey Booby (HA...just had to put that up there for old times sake )
Yeah, you are right about the spending way too much time alone. I use to get a little break form it by going over to my parents house but after a while that even started getting stressful. My mom was getting really difficult to talk too...as in, she wanted to do all of the talking and as soon as i would try to say something would totally tune me out. I mean, like get up from the table and start cleaning house or doing dishes or something Something truly isn't right there...I'm worried about ahlzimers or something on a mental level. I tried to convince her to go back on her AD's but that was a no go.
I don't know how to deal with the alone issue. It is difficult since i can't drive. I am pretty much tied to the house. I do things around here but it is hard to stay motivated. You can only clean a chicken coop so many times lol. I know I am having some minor depression issues as well. Nothing bad enough to warrant going back on AD's yet...if I reach that point though I will be calling my shrink again. It would be nice though if we did live closer to each other
I have toyed with trying to see a counselor to help me with my anger issues. I would have to involve H though in order to get me back and forth. I'm worried too that he might think I am having second thoughts or thinking there is a problem with the M or that he is cheating again. It wouldn't matter if I told him otherwise...he seems to always make that ASSumption when it comes to my emotions I'm pretty sure there is a lot of guilt there tht he won't admit to freely. I can't think of any other reason he is so quick to jump on thta ASSumption.
I am going to look for some agility videos and try to work with Lady. I have been working with her on basic obedience and teaching her some tricks. Her willingness to please is intense but on the same hand she is so focused on ME and the reward that she loses interest rapidly with what I am trying to teach her. I figure the agility would give me some exercise too
I don't know about swinging the ol'2x4 lol. From what I have been reading it seems that no one is really in to straight talk anymore A lot of validating, which is all well and good but what about when someone needs a kick in the butt once in awhile?? Maybe it's because your sitch has mellowed
Thanks for dropping by...I really appreciate it
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I am NO LONGER the Booby prize! He has his original prize now and we will see if he ends up feeling she is the prize he always thought she was. I am now my own person or at least on my way to becoming my own!
I hope your mom is ok. I remember you saying they left very abruptly.
What about the job you were turning the application in for, anything come of it?
Can you take the St. Jon's Wart with the other medication you are on? I know you told me you used to take it.
Did we ever figure up how far we are from one another? I am in Sellersburg now and since you have more free time I will let you look up the logistics.
I would think there would have to be a lot of guilt there rather he wants to admit to it or not. You know Martians like to deal with their own Cr*p.
The agility would give you lots of exercise. I am hoping to look into a Saturday morning class. Any chance of getting together for it?
Ha....you just miss that you came on and didn't get to get in a swing at me right away!
Of course you do still send them over e-mail you know! LOL
I told Jim last night I have some really great and awesome friends. Why the cr*p I still get down at times I don't know. But it happens more often when I'm overly tired, stressed or pmsing! Even if you don't believe in that.
Hey the C I am seeing now says yes, you really do go through lots of physical changes during PMS. The brain even swells, maybe that is why I can't think worth a darn at LEAST once a month!
Maybe if I find agility in Evansville I could coincide coming over once a month when I do the herding.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Good to see you. I'm so pleased for all of the positives you listed! Awesome. And sorry for the negatives...though some sound "expected" (though not welcome, I'm sure), others sounds workable, too.
I can't remember so forgive me if I've asked you this before but have you tried learning how to meditate to alleviate some of the anger? yes, I AM a meditating zealot! But it has worked wonders for me in terms of helping me let go of stuff I can let go of and get thru stuff I can't. I've got some favorites (including a meditation CD for forgiveness...) that may be useful to you if you'd like.
I hope you're gonna stick around for a bit -- if only to keep us company?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
LNL - I have often wondered why it is so difficult to get on the same page myself lol. It might be a gender/personality difference kind of thing? One thing I do know is you just have to keep working at it and taking the good with the bad. Those times you DO meet in the middle are AWESOME though
I will try to get over to your thread here pretty directly. I'm on a diet though so I'll have to abstain from the cake
Pam - Now...I never said you were the Booby prize...YOU said that Personally, I think you are the gold ring It isn't that i don't believe in PMS...I just don't consider it an acceptable excuse to behave like the she-devil from hell and expect people to give you leeway because of it. You have to OWN your actions whether they are good or bad.
The job thing fell through...T was going to pick up the app on the day he got activated so he ended up not being able to get it and the deadline passed. I am keeping my eyes open for something else along those lines though
Sage hey lady...thanks for stopping by
I have actually been looking into yoga and meditating lately. I'm kinda of hesitant about the meditation part...sometimes I get too far in and strange things happen. I don't know if there is a way to temper that or not for me. My H would freak if he came home and i was totally zoned out and he couldn't reach me...lol. Do you do yoga as well (I can't remember). If so, do you know of some good DVD's i might be able to pick up?
Thanks everyone for their input. T is on his way home...I had to call his unit this morning...I think my meds are causing me some problems and I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to be alone given that. I've been trying to deal with it on my own and just ride it out (I hate calling him up when he is doing his Guard things) but today it is pretty bad. I can't take the chance of going status and not having anyone around It is really going to suck if I have to stop taking this med...it has worked the best out of all of them I have been on so far
Ta-Ta for now, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I have actually been looking into yoga and meditating lately. I'm kinda of hesitant about the meditation part...sometimes I get too far in and strange things happen. I don't know if there is a way to temper that or not for me. My H would freak if he came home and i was totally zoned out and he couldn't reach me...lol. Do you do yoga as well (I can't remember). If so, do you know of some good DVD's i might be able to pick up?
So, hmmm, on the meditation! I've never heard of that particular issue...have you tried guided medititation? Maybe having a voice in the background would help keep you present?
For meditation I love Jack Kornfield. Here are two of his best CDs:
At least this year has started out seeming that way
Some will probably remember how disappointed I was last xmas. I dreaded this xmas and having him ask me what I wanted. When he did I bit the bullet ("ask for what you want") but I told him that if it wasn't a gift HE felt he wanted to give me I understood and would APPRECIATE anything he chose. He truly surprised me though by not getting me a new wedding band (what I asked for) and instead got me an emerald and diamond engagement ring (I didn't have an engagement ring...we were pretty poor at the time).
He says I question EVERYTHING...I say I just want to know things and learn from them. A cheeseless tunnel I cant stop running down.
Something truly isn't right there...I'm worried about ahlzimers or something on a mental level. I tried to convince her to go back on her AD's but that was a no go.
