It has been a very long time since I posted...so long in fact that my last thread seems to have disappeared.
As Pam's update suggested, it's been a very busy Fall/Winter for us. CJ is working nearly full time at his new post.
It HAS involved some travel, luckily (for me) it's been only to small communities around our city. Although I did have a moment when I discovered that one of them has an airport. Jeesh!
I'm now two years away from the worst of our troubles. Funny how the "anniversaries" become less and less notable. And yet they still affect me.
For example...on Dec 4th my best pal planned a night out at a karaoke bar...of course I would go!
(Not even registering that this would be the anniversary of bomb #2...there IS an OW and he's leaving for her!!! )
But the day of I felt "off", ill, cranky. At the bar I was like a caged cat...couldn't relax, couldn't have fun. Left early.
It stymies me that I didn't see the pattern before. I HATE going to bars now. Especially karaoke. It's really no wonder. Karaoke was the start of CJ's weirdess, it's where he dragged me the night he asked for the Divorce, It's where he went with this friend to get away from me and call HER.
It's where I forced myself to seem like I was having fun...dancing to "Stuck in the Middle" all by myself as CJ sang...longing for him to LOOK at me (he didn't). BTW I'd chosen that particular song as it had been one of our favourites, but I'd found it in a fond e-mail to HER.
So I've decided, no more bars for me. At least not while I feel like this...life is too short.
C.J.'s been really great these days. Helping out, decorating, and buying me a really thoughtful Christmas gift.
We'd agreed to no gifts this year, what with Nana's recent passing and all, but to my surprise he'd remembered an art deco french sculpture I'd admired months ago in an antique store and bought it for me.
I was expecting nothing (or maybe the calendar he did also give me) so I was very touched.
I wish I could report vast gains on the love making front, but alas, I cannot.
Well, that's not entirely true....A couple of months ago we had our last "discussion" of the issue.
It was a discussion in which for the FIRST TIME, CJ really felt that I GOT what he was feeling and going through...he didn't think I could, but I mirrored back to him his feelings of fear, inadequacy, need for minor physical closeness, pressure...etc.
He agreed to put this on "project status", and even picked up SSM again. Said he'd make and app't with our doc.
We had one physical encounter (not full ML), and then alas little more than hugs and passing touches .
True, he'd been out of town for 4 weeks, true my kidney'd been acting up (had to make it clear to him that if I had to wait to feel fully physically well to ML I'd never do it...I've had illness and pain for 20 years), then of course Nana....
So we'll see what the New Year brings.
Not sure what we're doing yet...perhaps a Shag (pre-wedding party...don't even know the people, but there's music, booze, food and friends there).
Perhaps my siblings will come over. Just playing it by ear...
Oh, that's funny...the other day I was wondering if I'd really changed all that much since 2-3 years ago..wondering if we might be sliding back into the "known" territories.
But just the fact that New Years isn't planned, that we may end up doing nothing and that's just fine with me, speaks volumes of this former control freak.
Take good care all of you!
Shiny
P.S. Classes don't start till the 5th so I will check in again before then!
OMG it is great to hear from you! You HAVE made some changes....
Sooo happy to hear that some of the memories have faded enough that you actually had to think twice about doing something, it didn't immediately flood your mind with awful pictures, so you have made progress. But I think you are wise to avoid those activities that "trigger" bad memories.
With everything going on the ML issue seems to be rather a non issue at the moment( no pun intended). With all that going on priorities shift and certain issues, become less immediate. So just keep working on communicating about it if you can, YOU WILL GET THERE.
CJ has to work a bit late tonight (nope, not even a blip on the paranoia radar...just thought I'd mention that on this edit ) so I finally have a chance to pop back in. I don't like to post here when he's home anymore...not hiding, just don't want him thinking there's more "wrong" than he's aware of!
Does that make any sense?
Oh well, long but rewarding first day back at school...I mean work...I AM a student at heart!
Here's a bit from New Year's eve...
Getting ready to go out, I had minor irritations (I'm talking: my hair wouldn't part right for one ) build up to the point where I was slipping into my old lashing out mold...CJ pointed this out, which didn't help much to be honest.
When I get like that I seem to think I deserve to express my pissyness, and he should just understand . What he DID do that worked was said "I don't think we should talk for a while"
We ate dinner, I settled down and apologized, we hugged and we headed out for a fun night.
And it was...we danced (very hotly I might add ), he danced with others (way too hot for me to dance that much with this sweating thing going on). We shared a nice kiss at midnight....
But there was this little man there...I noticed him giving me the eye, and figured he was sizing me up for a dance as we're about the same height. Sorry guys, but the ladies will know what I mean when I say I did the "eye and attention diversion" thing...
Later on I was sitting at my spot, CJ beside me, this guy at the table/seat right behind me. Apparently he was learing at me again and leaned over to take a big sniff when I pulled my hair up off my neck.
Well....CJ didn't care much for that...he said "Hey, knock it off...that's my WIFE" ...but the guy was a bit drunk (and, I think, a friend of another rather lecherous friend there) and said "it's okay, she has beautiful hair"
...Long story short, CJ ended up pushing his head away and almost caused an altercation (like the little guy would have had a chance...I wonder if CJ would have done that if the guy was 8 inches TALLER than him? ).
Anyway, that wasn't as bad as CJ then insisting that I AGREE with how he handled it and he wouldn't let it drop. So we left the party earlier than intended.
We talked it out in the morning, both agreed the guy was out of line, but CJ could have handled it differently. (Easier to see from my state of 2 drinks all night...not sure how many CJ had...free taxis were part of the party).
My suggestion was for CJ to put his arms around me, pull me to him and say "Sorry Pal, she's all mine...go get your own!"...use humour over aggression or possesiveness. Plus the bonus for me would have been to felt wanted by CJ as opposed to feeling a bit like a possession.
I think we're getting the hang of this!
Now maybe I'll have time to check in on a few of you!
Quote: not hiding, just don't want him thinking there's more "wrong" than he's aware of!
Does that make any sense?
Makes perfect sense to me.
Your New Years Eve sounds great and I think your idea of how to handle the gentleman with a bit much to drink was the way to go! Less likely to end unpleasantly!
Glad your first day back was great and you aren't even mentioning being worn out.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Just cruising past, thought I would say Hi!! Hope you remember me , its been a while. Glad to hear all is well with you.. I am doing great, nearly divorced...in love with a great girl , life is good, FINALLY..
