I have been thinking a lot here lately about what is necessary to making a great marriage. I have always made my wife the focus of my life (In my mind). She may not agree, obviously I have not been connecting with her love language. But what I also see is that she does NOT make me the primary focus of her life. She admits the children are the most important things in her life. She puts me about 30th on her list of important things. She is always about being busy, she loves to be busy. She wants ME to be busy as well. It's like she thinks that happiness comes from all these other things, we should NOT look towards each other for happiness.
Is this a common trait, that HD's focus on their spouse and LD's focus on other things? Am I wrong to focus on my spouse? Does this make me "needy" in her eyes? Is it possible to have a great marriage and NOT put our spouses at the top of the list?
Something you just said struck a chorde with me. In the 2nd or 3rd C session my H and I had our C asked how I felt...I told her unimportant. My H looked and me somewhat puzzled...so she asked me why do you feel unimportant? I told her because as far as his priorities go I know I'm not one of the top 3...in fact I don't feel I'm one of the top 10. She asked me to name off what I felt came before me...so I did. When I was finished my H looked so hurt, he really didn't understand I felt that way until it was literally spelled out for him.
Now, I know people have kept telling you that you have got to talk to your wife and be honest with her...have you really told her you feel this way? That you think you're somewhere around 30th on her list of priorities? Because that's not how it should be.
It doesn't upset me that I'm not 1st on my H's list, in fact I don't think I should be...I believe our S should be, then I should be next. Now perhaps I think it should be this way because that's how my priorities stand as far as he's concerned...I don't really know. What I do know though is this...You most definitely should be in the top 2-3 priorities.
If you still haven't had a long serious/honest talk about what you've been posting...you must do this. These problems will not go away without both of you addressing them...and to do that you will both have to be honest with each other.
I'm not slamming you here...so I hope you don't take it this way...but you mentioned that you obviously aren't speaking her LL either...I wonder where she feels she sits on your list of priorities (not where you have her as a priority, but where she feels she's at as a priority). See my H always assumed I knew I was a priority...he never told me that, never said anything that would make me feel that way...and I certainly didn't feel that way by his actions. He was completely shocked when he found this info out.
I guess what I'm saying here is my LD just simply thought I knew where I stood with him because it should have been assumed...maybe your W also assumes you know that you are a priority (even if she doesn't act that way).
Also, I still maintain that she's putting all the other extraneous crap (business) in the way of really addressing problems....you may have to call her on it and let her know that it's a cop-out to dealing with the obvious issues between you.
Quote: Is it possible to have a great marriage and NOT put our spouses at the top of the list?
No.
Is that what you do with your wife? No.
You profess that you will leave her someday if she doesn't live up to the standards you have silently set and that she knows nothing about. This is not putting your spouse first. This is WANTING a great marriage but being unable to muster up enough courage to take the necessary steps.
First, when you say that you put your wife first, but not in her love language.... you even acknowledge that you are putting her first in your mind but she would disagree...
This reminds me of my wasband. He always said I was first, but even after we went through the love language book, he insisted on applying HIS LL to me... instead of the things that made me feel loved. I resented this, and now sort of see this as him putting himself first while saying he was putting me first. It's like me knowing he does not like liver, but insisting on preparing it and telling him it's a special meal I fixed just for him!
Its like a sports fan buying the disinterested spouse tickets to a game for an anniversary gift. It's doing what you want to do, rather than what is meaningful to your spouse.
I probably belabored this, but wanted to get my point across.
I think a spouse or SO should be a significant priority in your life. Definately a top 3-5. But I'm not sure about #1, especially if there is not a close #2 and #3 right behind it. A person who just dotes on you, but does not have interests and priorities and a well rounded life, is sort of boring. They can seem weak and dependant, rather than vibrant and interesting.
I say this partly because I find myself annoyed when men cling and seem weak and dependant; and because when I focus too much on a man, he seems to take me for granted and not treat me as well. When I pursue my other interests, and ensure I'm "a whole person", I seem to not only be happier myself but I guess I'm more attractive to my partner than when I'm just there as his appendage.
Having other interests and activities gives you something to talk about.
So my input is: 1. if you don't do her love language, it doesn't count 2. if you focus too much on her, it might be at the expense of being an interesting partner.
Quote: She is always about being busy, she loves to be busy. She wants ME to be busy as well. It's like she thinks that happiness comes from all these other things, we should NOT look towards each other for happiness.
Describe an average day in your wife's life, from getting up to going to bed. Describe an average day in your life, same parameters.
Then describe what you would like your day to actually be.
There seems to be plenty of great input in the other replies to your post. There are some things I agree with, and some things I am not sure about. I believe that our relationship to a higher power should be #1 at all times. #2 should be the marital relationship, then go on down the line - family, friends, job, etc. in whatever order.
If you are not connecting with W's LL, of course she won't think she comes as a high priority. That sounds like something that should not be that difficult for you to work on. I can understand children being a focus, but they shouldn't necessarily come first.
Being busy all the time is only a bad thing if your are neglecting something (or someone) as inportant as a life partner. However, happiness does not come from things, it comes from self.
I don't necessarily believe that the focus can be attributed to HD/LD. I try to focus on the R, not specifically H. I believe that relationships vary as much as individuals do. If partners believe that career should be the top goal, bully for them. If both feel children come first, that's great. Spouse should be very near the top of the list.
The thing to remember is that if we take good care of ourselves, we will have more ability to take care of each other. Although "two become one" in marriage, both need to be able to function separately, simply because at sopme point in time this may be a necessity.
Excellent points. I know that when I make the top of my own list - my H definately finds me more interesting than when I am focusing too intently on him. That is provided that I am doing positive things for myself - not just complaining about things like work issues etc... My H would definately place God in the #1 spot on his list, thus putting me a distant third behind the kids or maybe fourth behind work. My own list changes in terms of priority as I see things that need attention. Is anyone else here familiar with their Myers Briggs type? I do think that this comes into play here. I think in all cases there are many factors in play and not all them can be neatly labeled in terms of HD and LD. That is why a person can be LD in one relationship and HD in another.
I'm also an Enneagram 4, if anyone is familiar with that system (bf is a 7-- normally they are into gluttony, hedonism, and all manner of physical pleasure, but in his case, it took the form of drugs and alcohol. My Greatest Lover was also a 7.)
I think Love Languages is KEY here, as others have noted. If you're THINKING you're putting your wife first, but you're not doing it in HER primary LL, then you'd be shocked to find out where SHE thinks she ranks on your priority list.
That all being said, I do believe in the John Rosemond concept of the marriage being at the center of the household. In far too many American homes (including mine), the CHILDREN are at the center, and it is Rosemond's observation that too many American women are, in fact, more "married" to their children than they are to their husbands. I think women are under enormous pressures to be this "supermom" that the media -- and even their own friends and relatives -- portray, and it's an impossible standard to live up to.
It also leaves no time left for the husband.
We have four children, between the ages of 8 and 17, plus six pets, and there is simply not enough "Mary" to go around to all of us. If the marriage (or God and THEN the marriage) isn't treated as the top priority, and all the attention is centered around the children, then I (and Rosemond) believe the marriage suffers.
Another analogy is that of the oxygen mask on the airplane. If you don't take care of YOURSELF, and your marriage, first, you can't possibly help your CHILDREN.
