Anyway, I have been in a really good mood the last couple of days. I'm thinking, as much as I felt lousy at first, my forced trip up to Chicago helped me calm down and think a little more rationally.
I meant to say earlier...H has said a couple of times lately that he doesn't feel appreciated. Which, ding, means I'm somehow not meeting his LL's right. He hasn't wanted to cuddle lately...I think he needs to feel lovey-dovey first, even though that's his primary I'm not sure if I've somehow slipped, or if he just needs a bit more right now. Anyway, been trying to figure out how to slip some AOS in there. I'm thinking this means more massages. He loves those. And I'm also considering doing a bunch of that cleaning in the front room that we've been discussing when he's at work on Friday, and surprising him.
So...I left H a vmail earlier today thanking him for letting me know what his plans are. H calls me this afternoon, and I'm too busy at work to answer. I return his call as I leave work, and he doesn't answer. I just leave him a chipper message saying "returning your call." He calls me back just as I'm almost home...apologizes for not answering, and tells me he was in the middle of an important conversation with someone.
He's been doing a lot of the "my friend/s," "someone" kind of answers lately...you know, gender neutral, no names. The other day I figured out it was two close MF's. Sheesh. So, I decided he's just gotten defensive in general lately.
Anyway, he tells me he is about to head to the gym, and then to his friends' house for dinner tonight. (I already knew about the dinner.) I say okay, sounds fun. Very upbeat. (Like I said, been in a good mood the last couple of days.) Been having NSN's M/V quote swirling around in my head.
He asks me if I'm really okay. (Meaning, we're not getting any time together tonight.) I said sure, have fun. He's kind of weirded out--asks me why I'm being so nice to him. (???) I ask him if I've been mean lately to him. He says I have...he doesn't understand why I'm not flipping out and upset. I told him he has said to me he needs some alone time, some time to himself, and I'm just trying to give him what he wants. H then tells me he thinks I'm just hiding my moods from him, and keeps asking me, again, if I'm okay. I told him I was simply doing what he had asked me to. H said my being so okay with it was actually starting to make him feel a little guilty about having other plans tonight.
And, BTW, we kind of went 'round this one for a bit. I am almost laughing once I'm in the apartment and we're talking about this. Not because of anything he's saying...just that it's so typical. I do this 180, without even realizing it, and he thinks my changes aren't real.
He then told me he was thinking of going out (no specifics) after he has dinner with his friends. I tell him I think it's a good idea. Really, just being genuine...you know, trying to let him have some cave time. He then comes over, gives me a hug, and asks me if I still love him. I was having such a hard time not laughing...
H also says he was thinking of just not coming back from his trip. Of getting a place in Arizona established, if he passed his GED, and then just staying there. I told him I thought it was a good idea. He looks at me like I'm crazy. I just tell him again, I think it's a good idea. (BTW, at this point, I was actually doubting he was serious. But, hey, I don't care...I really do want to move... )
By now, he just thinks I've lost my mind. He finally said he needed to go to the gym. I gave him a big hug, told him I might see him there, if I get something to eat in time.
He calls me, maybe two minutes after he's left. Still sounding confused. He wanted to tell me that his whole idea to move to Arizona ahead of me was simply to motivate us to get out of there faster. He pointed out how we've been moving all over Indy to be with each other the last year or so, and he thought this might work to get us out of the state. I just agreed with him.
Anyway, H just came home from the gym. I offered to get him some stuff while he showered. He complained that he was feeling self-conscious about me being in there again. I told him not to worry about it.
He also actually apologized, right after he came in, for being so cranky with my dog earlier. (He never does that.) I got more unsolicited ILY's than I have in for awhile...
Oh, I did find out that stupid psycho (xrm) is still calling, and apparentally knew I wasn't around. Guess she kind of insinuated something. (Oh, and she's supposed to be living with her bf. Quality.) Couldn't help it, I said I hated her. I did ask H why he hadn't just told her to stop calling. He said he had...but guess she "forgot." (Because she's a nutball, and rewrites history.)
Anyway, I helped H get ready to go. He really seems to like that kind of attention. He told me that I was really freaking him out...that he's afraid that I'm just hiding my real emotions. I told him nope...just had a chance to calm down. He said it felt like I trusted him again, like I used to two years ago. Oh, wow, did that surprise me. Not even close to true--I cringed inside when he mentioned a female name I hadn't hear before--but I didn't argue with him.
He actually kind of lingered when he gave me a hug. He even said he kind of hopes that he doesn't work tomorrow night, so we can spend some time together. Wow, that surprised me, since all he's talked about is getting money for that stupid trip. He even kind of paused at the door.
Yeah, I'm still irritated that he said some female name I didn't know. I don't really think it means anything. And I haaaate that I get left out of some of the stuff he does. I understand he wants to do his own thing sometimes, but I am just sooo sensitive to this.
I wasn't even going to get on the BB tonight, he just surprised me too much. Ah, well. Tomorrow, H could be mad at the world again. It's still not going to ruin my good mood.
Martha, Jen, thanks for stopping by! I love WOA--they always make me feel warm and happy. Probably my biggest LL after PT.
Well, I did tons of thinking...decided to try not to be so hard on H. I was observing my friends and their relationships...trying to get some perspective. Observing other people seems to really help me.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when other women hit on H. I realized I was getting mad at him because these women were approaching him. I just ASSumed it meant he was doing something, even if indavertantly. And, of course, my solution was therefore for H to not put himself any position where his might be a problem--ie, not going out.
Well, while I was in Chicago, I went to the lounge in the hotel (for some free food ) and got to chatting with the concierge. Mostly because I was lonely... Turns out he went to my college's arch rival. It took me a bit to wonder if the guy might have been flirting with him. I'm not sure. He wasn't forward or anything (unlike when H goes out dancing or whatever), but it got me to thinking...
Why in the world am I mad at H for what people around him that he can't control are doing?
I mean, I can let it bother me...just no reason to take it out on H.
So, anyway, H wasn't home when I got home from work last night. I had expected it, since he had called me and said he was headed to BIL1's. I didn't call him. He got home a little after me...wanted to hug and cuddle and take a nap together.
It's been a couple of months since he's been so affectionate. I really missed it. We're actually fairly touchy when at home (PT is a primary LL for both of us)...and the little things just felt so good. Like when we sat on the couch, he would just lean over and put his head on my shoulder.
I did notice he ignored a couple of phone calls while we were on the couch together. Instead of just jumping to go answer the phone immediately. The last time he did this, he was starting to come back out of his "shell" again.
When we curled up for a nap, then I started to get weird. I wanted to get up, get away...wanted "space." Sheesh. I knew it was just a reaction to his suddenly showing interest again...really, just my self-defense kicking in. And I've been through all of these before. I just told myself to calm down, and that I wasn't going to let myself build that barrier again. It was pretty hard to get past it back in the fall.
I've been mad a lot lately. Again. Which is the "phase" I spend the most time in. Unfortunately, it's also the most likely to muck up my DBing, because I start pushing, and feeling very justified. This just doesn't work with H. If I relax, so does he. I can't complain to him--he just shuts down. I have to model to him how I want to be treated. He's very much a case of "I treat you like you treat me."
H did go out last night, but after I went to bed. This has alwyas been okay with me...I understand his schedule is different than mine, and he just gets bored. I really feel, sometimes, like a wet blanket because I can't go do these things...but, often, it's just a case of "I need out of the house."
We were talking while I was driving to work this morning. I've noticed a lot of our better talks occur over the phone. He said some interesting things to me... Complained that too many people wanted things from him. Yup, the last time I heard this was when he was starting to come around before. I think H has a tendency to seek out tons and tons of people--male and female--when he starts feeling down, as a distraction. He also goes in this cycle... About every six months or so, he starts hanging out with a new crowd of people. Usually as he changes jobs. Right now, they are soooo important to him...but he said that about the people from his last job, and those at the job before that. I'm not saying they aren't really important...just that I know, from experience, his contact with them will taper down again. There are very few people who he maintains a length friendship with.
He also told me has a hard time telling "NO" to people...and that's why he winds up getting so busy all of the time, and feeling stretched. He said he wanted to spend more time with me, especially since he felt like he's barely seen me since I got home, and that he would be careful to stay less busy next week. I, strangely, haven't felt that neglected...mostly because he's been so whiny and irritable lately, I haven't really minded avoiding that.
I guess psycho had called him this morning, and he was so mad from that he couldn't go back to sleep. She invited us--yes, both of us--somewhere. Again. Ugh. I also found out that she's actually been calling him almost daily. I hadn't realized it was often. Yuck. But the nut hasn't figured out H lied to her about my being pregnant... I started laughing, told H we should go to whatever it is, and then just act like we had no idea what she was talking about. Yeah, I know, evil...but she's a nutcase. And I am clearly not six months pregnant. lol! He thought it was kind of funny, too, but I would really just rather she disappeared.
H also called me midday, just because he missed me.
I did brag about him today with some gals at work. (We're all talkaholics...oh boy...lol) One lady's bf had emailed her the cutest message, said she loved it because he rarely just called to say ILY or "I miss you." I got kind of sheepish, and admitted that my H did that almost daily... What a cutie he is. It's always been one of the things I love about him. He even did it while we were seperated. (See? I love WOA! )
He did tell me earlier he couldn't wait for to come home so we could cuddle...asked me to come hug and kiss on him when I get there. Good signs. He'll probably swing back and forth for a bit before he settles down...he did before...but I do feel like we may actually be past the middle-of-the-road-hump.
H works tonight, and we have plans for tomorrow night. I am soooo glad it's the weekend.... I have just been dead tired since I got back from Chicago.
H was still asleep when I got home from work yesterday. Yes, he went to bed that late...had some errands to do in the morning. I did go in to give him some attention, like he had asked.
He was very affectionate. I, on the other hand, felt withdrawn. I know, I shouldn't be mad at myself for it... H could tell something was a little "off" with me--kept asking if I was mad at him. (I did notice he seemed much less self-conscious around me. )
H also actually talked about delaying when he leaves on his trip. Said he wanted to make sure he left after our anniversary. : Not only is this the first time he's talked about delaying--instead of moving up--his trip...but he actually put some thought into the date. Every date he's talked about for the last six weeks or so has pretty much run over our anniversary. I, of course, didn't say anything. (Third wedding anniversary is the first week of March. Last year, I never would have thought we'd still be here!!)
I didn't relax until he left. Ugh. I hate this stupid dance. So I called him, apologized, said I didn't want him to think I was mad at him. He had thought I was. I told him I had just dozed off with him a little on the bed, and I was a tad grumpy until I woke up better. Not quite a lie...but I know right now is not a good time to really tell him what is going on. Too soon. He said it was okay, just didn't want me mad at him. And then he kept talking to me, while he was driving to work. And kept talking. He hasn't done that in awhile.
It also occurred to me last night, that I was getting that annoying numb feeling and depression. This has typically been the stage after withdrawing for me. (I go anger, withdraw, numb/depression, lots of crying, then okay.) In the past, this has meant that I'm upset, but unable to release those feelings just yet. A good cry normally helps. sigh
I hate this dumb cycle. Yes, I know, I'm whining. But where else can I do that, and people will actually sympathize?? The good thing is, I seem to be moving fairly rapidly...assuming H doesn't throw any weird curves in...and I'm not actually "stuck" in that feeling all day, every day, like I have in the past. Just trying to maintain that nice interaction with H, even if I don't feel like it.
He was very snuggly last night. All through the night. Been awhile since he's done that. That's a really, really good sign, too. (See how much better it is to focus on positives? ) He asked me to massage him after I got up with dog--but my hands were too cold when I got back in. Waiting on them to warm up a bit. But, anyway, he's asking for attention again, so that's good...
So I'm in a bad mood today. I don't like this. I'm grumpy, irritable, and I just plain feel antisocial. I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even at work. I just...want to be left alone, maybe do some drawing.
There's no one specific reason. Although I can come up with plenty... It's not even that time of the month.
I'm sure it's these stupid mood swings related to our sitch. At least I'm not feeling miserable and hopeless.
Weekend was okay. We didn't get to go out Saturday, after all. I was irritated at the time...H had been helping BIL2 with his truck, and it took them too long. I did go over there for a bit--offered to bring them food. We had pizza and watched T3. (Which, unlike everyone else I've heard, H and I loved the ending.)
I left BIL2's before H. Was pretty mad when I got home...spent some time crying...didn't call H. I had calmed down by the time he got home, which wasn't too much later. I didn't let on that I had been upset.
H, however, needed to talk. Yuck. Although we haven't had one of these kinds of talks in awhile, so this is an improvement... I do seem to handle them better over the phone.
We curled up in bed together. I was trying pretty hard not to fall asleep. Got a lot of the same stuff. We moved back in too soon...he wants to live alone...etc. It's starting to wear off, honestly. I don't know whether that's good or bad. Although he did tell me that the only thing that makes him want to leave me is his own guilt. That he sometimes thinks that's the only way to relieve the guilt--to just cut ties, and start over. I haven't told him how much this pi$$es me off...I just try to validate...but I think that's just plain stupid.
Sunday morning he was asking me to spend more time with him. He's been talking more about how he misses me. He's still not spending a ton of time with me, but that's a step past the grumpy "I want to be alone" stage. I've even seen some moments where my affectionate H comes back out.
We did talk some about what to do for our anniversary. (I brought it up.) I mentioned it would be nice to go out to dinner that night. H said, again, how he hates V-Day and anniversaries. I said I understand that, but I would just like to do a little something, especially since we've never been able to celebrate it. (1st year no money, 2nd year H kicked me out of the apartment.) And I thought, just dinner out sounded nice. He suggested a place, even said he would dress nice. ( ) I said he didn't have to, I just wanted to eat out, but that sounded fun. He said he didn't want any present, and I said that was fine. I'm perfectly happy with this arrangement.
We spent some of Sunday together. He went back to BIL2's to work on the truck and feed his snakes. Called me a little later, and asked me about getting food. He asked if I wanted to come get him; I offered to just pick up the food. I think he liked that. (He doesn't like to leave the snakes while they're eating.)
The V-Day subject came up again--BIL2 wanted to know what we had done. I found out that H had wanted to do some other stuff, it just wasn't feasible since I was out of town...and he thought it was pointless to do it some other day.
We went and got some groceries together. He went to the gym for a bit while I put them away. Then we went back to BIL2's house for some pizza. We stopped to get a movie and some some stuff at Meijer... I didn't even realize I had reverted to my normal affectionate, touchy self until H commented that I was "crowding" him. I apologized (I really hadn't noticed...). H said it was okay, there was no reason for him to be upset with me. Although I tried to stay back more.
H and BIL2 watched a movie, while I hung out in the garage painting the pieces to my new dresser. My parents bought it around Christmas, but I've just not been motivated to work on it with the cold weather.
We headed home a bit late. On the drive home, H admitted that he is actually a bit nervous about going on his road trip by himself. I told him I'm always just a phone call away. (I am so sick of hearing about this trip!)
I went to bed right when I got home. H took a shower, and got ready to go visit some MF's. I barely remember him leaving...just that he came in to hug on me a couple of times, tell me he loved me, and that he's afraid we'll split up in the future. It's been a recurring theme for him, and I just try to be as reassuring as I can.
H was still up when I woke up this morning. He was pretty cheerful--came into the bathroom to give me a hug once he heard me messing with my contacts. He's been asking for kisses or attention lately...
I was feeling pretty grumpy. I don't wake up well. And I'm just mad...although venting has calmed me down some... I know being angry with him isn't going to help. And, honestly, when I let the anger run away with me and I take it out on him, I just wind up more angry. I'm trying to not let myself take things out on him. I know, for now, I just need to maintain the friendliness and easy-going attitude. That's what gets H back to being nice and affectionate, which is what will really make me feel better.
I had a good cry during lunch yesterday. Now I'm not bad. It felt good.
So I was pretty calm by the afternoon. (And I'm feeling social again. ) H called me just before 5, said he missed me and wanted to say hi.
When I got home, he practically wouldn't let me walk, he clung onto me so tightly. (Hm, that's what he says about me, sometimes... ) He was really upset, had himself all worked up, was convinced that I was going to leave him. I layed down with him for awhile, and he was very clingy. Said he couldn't believe he had messed up as badly as he had...was talking about how he was going to quit going out all of the time soon...how he wanted to run away and take me with him.
Big change compared to a few weeks ago. He had told me while I was in Chicago that he couldn't talk to me. Last night he said I was the only one he could tal with. And he was still mad...I think he may be getting past that stage. H has always been someone to talk a lot, and then follow through. (Eventually.) So that he's talking about not going out so much...that's a good thing.
He also had mentioned that he had done a good job of "acting normal" in front of BIL2 the other day. Another good sign...when he's in full-blown alien mode, he couldn't care less about what impression his family has of our M. And, before, when he started "pretending" to be okay, it didn't take too long until he was okay. (See? Act As If works! )
I wanted to go to the gym. H started to get worked up again--said he was feeling panicky. I'm not even sure that he could put it into words. I asked if he wanted me to stay, and he said no...
He joined me at the gym a little later. I could tell he was still feeling upset. He came over to talk to me several times--I did ask him if he wanted to go, and he said no. I asked him if he wanted time alone, and he said he didn't know. He said he felt like just laying on me and cyring. I caught him watching me several times while I was working out...would have been creepy if it wasn't my H. He did seem very distracted.
I left before him--asked him if it was okay--and went BIL2's for awhile to paint my dresser. I missed a call from him while I was there, and he left me a message saying he had gone to visit MF, thinking a distraction might calm him down. He did come home a little sooner than usual. Although I was already in bed. And he wanted to cuddle.
When I told him I was headed to work this morning, he got upset again. Wrapped both arms around me, and wanted me to stay. I told him I would be home before he got up--and that he can always call me.
We'll see. I'm not sure why, all of the sudden, he is so worked up. But he's very upset, very panicky. I think his crazymaker got out.
Didn't get much time with H last night. He seemed in a much better mood. But he had to go into work early, since one of the other bartenders had quit. (Early being 8pm.)
He left for the gym shortly after I got home. I crashed...think too much stress at work...and was asleep when he got back from the gym. I couldn't seem to get up to even talk to him while he got ready for work. He did ask me several times if I was mad at him. Really, I was just passed out on the bed, couldn't wake up.
I was too tired to go to the gym. I had wanted to get some cardio in...maybe work on that dresser a bit more... Instead, I wound up just drawing on the computer some more. I went to bed a little later...called H and left him a goodnight vm, like I always do.
Thought I heard him come in around 6am or so. Woke up after 7am, and he wasn't home. sigh His sleep got all whacked out while I was in Chicago...I think he was up until 9 or 10am most nights. Yikes.
I debated calling him... I usually wake up cranky. I just don't wake up well. And I didn't want to come across angry or pushy. That just gets him defensive--which means he shuts down, doesn't hear me, and gets angry. Bad communication.
I finally decided to. He didn't answer, so I didn't leave vm. I had pretty much assumed he had gone out to breakfast, and lost track of time. This is very typical for my H--he's just lousy with dates and time and whatnot. He does it constantly. Me, I have this ridiculously good memory...sometimes I expect others to, as well.
I was still trying to get out of bed--the dog was really whining --when he called me back a minute later. He said he had been wrapping up a conversation with some people, and just wanted to wait a minute to return my call. I said that was fine.
I--very gently, trying to be my most non-confrontational--asked why he hadn't called to tell me he would be late. He asked what time it was. When I told him it was 7:30, he was pretty surprised, and felt bad. He said he thought I wouldn't mind if he went out to breakfast after work. I said I didn't--I would just like to know if he's going to be home late. That I always get worried if it's not home by 7am.
He kept apologizing, over and over. Said that he was trying to be reassuring, and couldn't believe he had messed this up. I told him, again, it was okay...but I would just like to have a phone call, even if I'm asleep, letting me know he'll be home late. (I swear, I hate this stupid backward schedule of his.)
H was still a little worked up when he got home. He came in and gave me a kiss as I was getting ready. He did compliment several times on how beautiful I looked. Yay on the WOA. He asked me if I had thought he was "doing anything bad." (I'm guessing this means cheating.) I said no...I didn't have that impression at all...just got worried. And I really wasn't thinking that...that was never my H's personality...
He kind of followed me a bit as I was getting ready. I was admittedly very distracted. I think he thought I was being distant since he kept asking if I was mad. I really wasn't. I almost didn't even mention to him that I would have liked a call. But, I thought better, and didn't want to just sit on something I felt was important--just wanted to adress it gently, without accusation. I didn't yell or scream or anything like that.
H did mention he needed to go to the bank, so he said he was waiting on me to leave for work before he left again. I told him that was okay. He even came to me first for some kisses before I left.
I was a bit worried on my way to work. I wanted to call and make sure he was okay. But that's a bad, bad habit of mine. If he wanted some reassurance, he can call me...and has in the past. If he doesn't, then I should let it go. It's not my fault he got worked up, and I should quit feeling so responsible for his emotions. We both have this problem, and it leads to this nasty downward dynamic.
Still haven't picked up M/V yet. Just been a busy week. Although I am looking forward to getting a copy.
I think you just described, in a nutshell, our current dynamic. 
Wow, that surprised me, since all he's talked about is getting money for that stupid trip. 
I love WOA--they always make me feel warm and happy. 
I realized I was getting mad at him because these women were approaching him. I just ASSumed it meant he was doing something, even if indavertantly. And, of course, my solution was therefore for H to not put himself any position where his might be a problem--ie, not going out.