The last two weeks have been among the worst my W has behaved in the past six months. While not as harsh as she has been in some of her worst blowups, she has been as consistently angry and as nasty as she has ever been. I can barely breathe without a getting critical response and even the simplest questions about daily household matters are answered with another question or an edge.
I was expecting her to file weeks ago, and then wondered if she was backing off. But just yesterday, in a discussion on finances, she confirmed that she owed her attorney money and was going forward with her D complaint because I was unwilling to negotaite a separation--which in her parlance means Merrick goes and Merrick pays.
Moreover, S10 and D9 are clearly becoming more aware of what is going on and are getting frustrated by the inability/unwillingness to engage in longstanding activities that previously were done as a family --whether it be food shopping or visiting mutual friends.
Getting back to W, I think a lot of the recent nastiness is due to the fact that I'm becoming more aggressive in setting boundaries, such as refusing to talk when the kids are around, calling her to task when she has been drinking, and just not allowing her to bait me into cheeseless tunnel conversations. With the help of TKKC1, I finally learned DB Coach Laurie's lesson (which may be unique to my W) that her anger at total backoff on my part is far better than engaging her in a no win convo where anything I say will be twisted against me. When all validating convos inevitably lead her to request my departure to end her pain, I really see no reason to go down that path. (NOTE TO JENNIFER: I will still look for quick hit validating opportunities when I can exit immediately thereafter).
I also am much firmer in my thinking that she is needs medical help. I started reading a book on Borderline Personality Disorder ("Stop Walking on Eggshells") which seems to best capture what I am experiencing with her. At least this explians how someone can be so angry for so long. Unfortunately, the book's authors convey the clear view that there is nothing I can do about it--the BP-person muct be willing to address the issue themself and the best the non-BPD can do is figure out how to set appropriate boundaries and avoid the types of everyday responses that trigger the worst rage and other borderline behaviors.
On the flip side, while most borderlines fear abandonment, having her D complaint drawn up and seeking my departure seems a marked departure from the script--unless it's just another way to darw me into her orbit. Who knows.
But with all this, I'm inclined to finally begin clamping down on financial matters, which includes depositng my pay into my own account, tracking every penny of spending, and most important, dramatically increasing my kids' collge savings. The only SBT approach I have not tried is a reality check. Is this more loving than maintaining the status quo?
Amidst all this, I seem to be doing well. RCIA progresses, I have reconnected with old friends, and made new ones. I've kept myself busy on my own and continue to do fun things with the kids. For example, today I got free tix to West Point for Army football today and sat in a steady cold rain all game with S10 amidst the low mountains overlookign the Hudson. But I know this is something he will forever remember--and it wasn't lost on either of us that the cadets cheering happily next to us and those on the field today could be engaged in combat in a faraway land less than a year from now. God bless them!
TKKC1 and his boys joined my kids for some minor league hockey and except for my typing this right now--I'll usually engage the kids in games at home or watch TV with them). All in all, it's not what I want, but far from a tragedy. Now if only God and Catholicism would let me off this adultery thing and D, I'd be set!! But I have a good sense, if not too late, that God was pretty certain about what he wanted in my marriage.
Quote: I also met TKKC1's boys, and it never ceases to hit me right in the heart to look in the eyes of kids who are living amidst the troubled psyches of their parents in a land of unprecedented abundancy and opportunity to simply enjoy life.
Merrick,
It could not be stated any better! Abundance means nothing in the midst of all this mutually self-inflicted devastation...and it is mutual...it took two people to create the destruction...but only one has to quit. And there we are...still feeling like if we could just get them to put a modicum of effort into restoration, we know it could be rebuilt in a far better way. Never imagined my W as the quitter, which is why I was so confident that at some point we would start to really work on our R as a team. Never imagined she would elect to do this to the children...so I thought we still had time to turn things around...and then she quit. So, where do I go from here? I wish I knew.
I feel as if I am starting to really come to terms with the fact that it is over.
Quote: I just wanted to say thanks for being a friend and keep on working to pass the final test.
Thank you for being a friend as well, I enjoy your company and sage insight. You are truly an inspiration.
BTW, just so I recognize it when it happens, can you describe the final test for me?
We have a call scheduled for tomorrow. in addition to the post above, following is a link to the page with my only other post (except those above) since we last talked in October.
1) A more aggressive "tough love" approach: W continues to say D complaint is being drawn up.
Legally, there is no way I can leave the house and maintain the R I want with my kids (never mind $$$), so I'm prepared to contest the D and let the chips fall where they may. At the same time, I'm at the precipice of finally taking steps that more strongly detach from W, such as no longer going to events with her side of the family and most dramatically, taking charge of my pay and fully segregating finances. Since everything I do seems to be perceived as controlling, I may as well do something "real" to protect myself.
2) What to Tell the Kids:
First, they seem to be doing well given our sitch. I've swallowed a lot of pride to protect my kids and will continue to do so if it's in theie best interests. But with a 10-year and 9-year old acutely aware of problems, there comes a time when I feel honesty has some value. They have not asked about D or S, but intimate about at times--asking general questions.
I have to contain myself from simply saying Mommy wants a D and Daddy does not--and I'm not sure we have an answer. I do say all the right things about how both of us love them, but when they get upset about us not doing things as a family, how do you respond truthfully. I'd love to say that Daddy wants to keep our family as it is and do things together, but that necessarily leaves a negative imprint on W. Given that nothing is going away between W and I and we may actually end up in court, at what point can kids handle the truth?
3) Borderline Personality Disorder: Do you know anything about this? In seems to fit some of my W's behavior, but not entirely so. If so, can it be sporadic? Is there anything I can do about it unless W takes action on her own?
Things sound tough over in your neck of the woods- I'm very sorry this is so stressful. As if one needed more stress around the holidays...
Anyway, thanks for all your input on my thread. I'm at a loss to comment on yours at this point - I'd be interested, for sure, in hearing what Laurie says about where you are now.
You are truly blessed with the patience of a saint, and I do hope things get better for you. Have a happy holiday, at the very least, reveling in your R with your kids. They are precious!
Merrick - as far as BPD goes - not a temporary condition, I doubt your W has it, but for some reason WASs seem to closely resemble BPD when the aliens are in control.
As for the kids - I think it is okay, when the time comes, to let them know you are not the one that wants a divorce. Believe me, the WAW doesn't seem to have any qualms about putting all the blame on the LBS!!! Some even tell outrageous lies to their kids that really hurt their R with the LBS. Don't worry about protecting your W from their anger - it's just a natural consequernce of her behavior.
Greetings from LIWAW Central and as always, thanks for visiting.
I'll start this post by saying my head is swimming. There are so many thoughts about W, kids, religion, Dbing, other DBers, relatives, money, litigation, etc. It is just astounding how much energy is spent on a broken M before we ever get to our jobs and other issues in our lives. On the bright side, all that chaos just brings me closer to God as the true path to happiness. And for that I am thankful.
DB Coach Laurie Call
My call with DB Coach Laurie really did not uncover much new, other than a comforting sense that I was not doing anything exceptionally wrong--which has value in itself.
We talked a lot about W's ongoing anger and my suspicion that a lot had to do with her feeling of being trapped and my setting of boundaries. Laurie felt, however, that if I had the fortitude to withstand her wrath like days and could maintain the boundaries I have established (e.g., no talks in front of kids, offering talks outside the house where there was greater safety to speak, speaking peacefully with one another, etc), then if staying in the house with my kids was my goal--keep on plugging on.
As for the kids, she stressed trying to avoid any signs of blame and to tell the kids the truth in as gentle a manner as possible. For example, when we don't do things together, simply tell them "Right now, mommy and daddy can get along better if we do things separately," and try to use a positive message if you can, such as I still love you and your Mom (SIDENOTE: D6 said the other day, "Daddy, it sounds like Mommy really hates you." I answered, "It does sound like that, but when people are upset they sometimes say things that sound mean. That's why it's really important to try and be nice to people all the time).
Laurie sounded more reserved on separating finances on tried to pin me on my goals. If it was truly about meeting budgets, was fair, and not about spiting W, then it was less problematic, but Laurie understood this would not be well received. From my standpoint, being in a fault state, it would not be something that would push us over the edge, so I was ready to try something new. I'm not sure if Laurie was convinced, but she didn't make a heavy effort to stand in my way.
As for the borderline syndrome, Elie, like you, I'm not sure she saw it as such, although some of the attitudes and reactions were there. She did say, however, that if a key underlying concern of borderlines is abandonment, then I've really shown I'll put up with anything!!!
At bottom, however, the DB Coaches seems to support intact families as best for children if you can keep them shielded from the more acrimonious aspects of disagreement. Not perfect, but better.--and I'm maintaining that goal. Apart from that, keep my distance and look for ways to affirm when available.
Thanksgiving
It was 18 years ago on Thanksgiving that I first told W I loved her. This year, I spent it away from her (it is always with her family), but with my parents. Her initial reaction was, "You're not going to spend the day with the kids?" But I spent 60% of it with them--just not dinner. To show where W's mind is at, when I joined her entire family for another gathering two days later, she asked how I could show up and look everyone in they eye and smile after all I'm putting her through! Which is a nice segue into...
Loving Detachment
In a book called The Four Agreements, one agreement mirrors "Don't Believe What They Say," but more accurately labels the attitude, "Don't Take Anything Personally," both praise and criticism. Basically, when another person speaks, it is about them, not you. (In my view, if it really is about you, they'll hit a chord any serious DBer would recognize). I have really taken this to heart and it has helped immeasurably in truly listening to what W has to say without thinking about what does this mean about me--because it does not! I hope I'm making sense, but it has allowed me to look at W more like any other human being than an adversary and at least for now, has noticeably shifted my own vibes in my interactions with her. Hopefully, this will continue.
Divorce Complaint
I am aware through various channels of my wife's advanced preparations for filing a D and her expression to others to do this as quickly as possible. In tracking my W's interactions with me, I have learned that there are three leading triggers for her worst behaviors: 1) increased exchanges with OM; 2) speaking with her attorney; and 3) pressure from me or her family. I think last month's sustained negative attitude resulted from ongoing meetings with her attorney and the realization that her case against me was no slam dunk. This had a double whammy effect. First she had to build animosity to go forward, and second, she got even madder recognizing that this still might not be enough. Just recognizing this and accepting it for what it is as opposed to taking it personally has gone a long way in giving me a blasé attitude toward the whole adventure.
RCIA My biggest intellectual and spiritual hurdle remains being faithful to the Church I am entering on the sacrment of marriage and how to manage a marital breakdown (e.g, remarriage, annulment, ) for future Rs. I think I know what Jesus teaches, but there is definitely some leniency in U.S. priest if not outright defiance of seemingly clear standards set forth in Rome. I guess one of my crosses is to continue to struggle with this as I advance in my journey of faith.
That's all for now. Things remain well with the kids and RCIA is bountiful exploration of God and the human soul. My best advice for the religious is: Learn your faith. Many doors of peace will be opened, even if you need to battle storms to get there. Be good everyone; I'm going to bed!
Well, at least one of us took our advice about getting some quality rest...I am going to work from home tomorrow. Very good update...keeping the family intact is a terrific goal and you deserve a lot of credit for not just leaving a situation which is most painful. Keep up the good work!!
By the way, Harold was not pleased at all with the perspective provided by Fr. O'Brian. I would like to get you, Fr., Harold and myself together next Tues evening at my house. I think we need to have a frank discussion about all this. It should be fun!
I re-read your post this morning and feel that you are truly following the path that God calls you to do.
That being said, I think we covered all of this and more on the phone last night.
TKKC1--I don't know who Harold is, but Merrick told me a little about your meeting with the priest (whom I'm going to assume is Fr. O'Brien?). I had a terrific meeting in the guise of confession with my pastor on Tuesday night. He had very strong words for me that were reassuring.
And for the record, one of our other priests, who is an elderly Franciscan man (whom I adore) has given me a much more gentle version of the same message.
Both of them have told me over the course of the year the following things:
1. It is sinful to protect someone else or enable them so that they do not suffer consequences for their actions. This does not mean that we are in the position to dole out consequences or mete punishment, but to allow things to happen by establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves and allowing the chips to fall where they may.
2. A wise person recognizes that he or she cannot force another person to return their love. If as a Catholic and a Christian, you have followed the path that God has called out for you--meaning you have kept your heart soft with a willingness to reconcile and change--He can ask no more of you.
Consider this: your STBXW is NOT following God's chosen path. Although I am sure that he would like for her to do the same as you have done, there is free will to consider. If she refuses to do this, there WILL be consequences down the road.
Ergo, at some point, God wants us all to let go of people who will not return our love. Free them. If He can set their hearts straight, they will return to us and to our marriages as stronger and more spiritually humble than they were when they left.
3. There are so many different feelings about the annulment process. I won't go into this here--Merrick has a doggone good handle on this issue. However, my advisors and spiritual counselors have told me that there is no reason why I cannot initiate this process and expect to have my wishes granted.
Fr. Bob reminded me that marriage is a sacrament. That means as one united body, we are here to follow his path-- together--and to spread His word. With His grace and blessing, if you are meant to find love with another woman SO THAT YOU MIGHT FULFILL HIS WISHES, you will find happiness. Faith, friend. Take that step.
Please feel free to ask Merrick for my e-mail address if you want to chat more. But I really hope you feel positive about your own future and possibilities. Ask for God to give you everything you deserve, TKKC1. You won't be given punishment, but blessings. He loves you.
Take care!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Not much is new; just taking one day at a time. Once again, virtually every interaction with W seems loaded for confrontation as she looks for any hook for a battle--and the second I hint at any disagreement with her, she immediately accuses me of treating her like dirt and being emotionally abusive.
I thought I got a handle on this and let this stuff bounce off me, but my sporadic snooping set my mind off again as I encountered a name from her workplace in an e-mail that struck me as odd. I put the name in the back of my head, but it came back again as W took a weekend off to go to Vermont skiing with work "friends." Now, I know this can be innocent, but I've read to much crap on this board about such trips to set my mind in the wrong place. So, to top this off, she gives the kids (not me) a phone number to reach her in case her cell phone was not working. My son passed the number along to me--and naturally, I dialed and found it belonged to the man whose name I had come across. Ugh!
I was just about to go out and buy an infidelity detection device, but TKCC1 talked me off the ledge yesterday before I commenced a long downward spiral into the abyss. TKCC1 reminded me that there is nothing I can do, don't necessarily assume the worst, and even it is, she has to live with it--not you. And again, to repeat the most important of all, there is nothing I can do about it.
That put me in a better frame of mind and I went about my business in a better place. But this morning, W struck again and I was not prepared for my best DBing.
I had taken home some papers on a very sensitive political matter that I had worked on several years ago, but is heating up now. The papers were confidential memos I had written on alleged criminal activity by another person and I have shared these with about three people in nine years (my W was probably included years back). In any event, W saw the memo and asked if she could make a copy. I hesitated wondering what she would do with copies and finally said, "No. These are highly confidential and I don't want to share them with anyone."
Now, this is a perfect example of how I should avoid W at all costs in the morning, because my mind is not sharp in my first hour. The right answer would have been, I'd really like to share what is in here, but I'm uncomfortable making any copies because this is very sensitive. Maybe we can sit down and talk about the issue when we have time."
Well, my actual reply set off the powder keg which is my W and she started accusing me of being high and mighty and keeping things from her solely to exercise control, and just another example of me treating her like dirt, and what did I think she would do with the memos.
She was half-yelling and woke up two of our kids. I asked her to keep it down and she refused saying it was okay for the kids to hear how bad I treat her. I guess at this point there was no explanation that would calm her down and she continued saying that this showed what I thought of her and that my mind was sick in thinking that she would want to do anything with the memos other than understand the issue. She continued that I was the sick abusive one who looks at all her computer files, seeks ways to intercept cell calls (huh???), and generally treats her as someone I cannot trust (I have told her previously that I don't trust her on certain matters--again, another example of how a single word used one time (justified or not) will become a cemented portion of the bill of particulars against you. She then asked if that was what I was learning in RCIA--not to trust her.
In any event, I knew I could not change her mind, but I tried soothing language and said I can see how she feels that it is how I am treating her, but I hope she can respect that I have boundaries on issues of importance to me and that unfortunately, our sitch has caused me to be very guarded about my actions with her. I didn't expect to her respond positively to this, but there is value in staking your boundaries and letting her know that the path she is following has consequences for our R--regardless of whether or not she seems them as controlling. In fact, IMHO, not all forms of control are bad if they are really more about you taking your like back. But, I can only imagine the firestorm when I retake full charge of my earnings and household finances.
This just really sucks, but the more convos I have with other men who have gone through D's is to stick to my guns and do not leave the house unless I have a written deal that works for me. So this will continue to be my cross to bear until something breaks.
On the plus side, things continue to go well with the kids and I even had breakfast with the kids and W's parents after Church while she was in Vermont. W can try and demonize me all she wants, but I know this is more about the demons within her than about me. So I'll just keep on keeping on.
(((((Merrick)))))) - I wish I had some words of wisdom or sound advice . . . but lacking that I send you a big, big hug. I'm sorry things have been so hard.
Quote: TKCC1 reminded me that there is nothing I can do, don't necessarily assume the worst, and even it is, she has to live with it--not you. And again, to repeat the most important of all, there is nothing I can do about it.
I am glad your DB buddy helped you out there. Learning to let go of things I can't control has been (and still is) one of the hardest lessons for me. I still struggle daily with this. I now find I'm able to catch myself within a more 'reasonable' amount of time, but still I do spend needless time & energy down cheeseless tunnels chasing what's not mine to control...
Quote: On the plus side, things continue to go well with the kids and I even had breakfast with the kids and W's parents after Church while she was in Vermont. W can try and demonize me all she wants, but I know this is more about the demons within her than about me. So I'll just keep on keeping on.
I'm happy your relationship with your kids remains strong, loving & a source of joy in your life. Do focus on them and on yourself and doing the things that make you feel good.
But I have a good sense, if not too late, that God was pretty certain about what he wanted in my marriage.
) for future Rs. I think I know what Jesus teaches, but there is definitely some leniency in U.S. priest if not outright defiance of seemingly clear standards set forth in Rome. I guess one of my crosses is to continue to struggle with this as I advance in my journey of faith.
Betsey 