It is hard in your position. I think your H still wants both of you if possible. He does not want to let you or the ow go. If you can accept the situation, he probably will keep the status quo. Until you or the ow ask him to make a choice.
I was in your position before. She kept her R with the om while continue to be my W in the 3 years. Until my W threatened me to leave in Jun 2004 if I took my S to see a Psychologist. I felt at that time, she was so selfish and only wanted to cover up her guilt feeling, did not even consider about my S's well being. So I felt that my W is not worth my love. It is better for me to let go. It was like undergoing an operation for an infection. Short pain but cured afterward. If I was afraid of the operation, I had to endure lesser pain but for a long time. There are many similar situation in life. I asked my W at that night in Jun last year, that it was better for her to go ASAP. I would look after the kids. The rest was history. Now I am living just fine. I keep my promise to look after the kids. And the kids show their appreciation last week by giving me the most wonderful presents for my B-day.
Raindeer, I can't accept the situation, which is why I asked H to move out last Nov. That is when I found out H was having an EA with the same ow as before. (Since ow lives 2000 miles away I don't think it is a PA this time). I told him to either call it quits with ow or get out....he left. I can't be certain ow is still in the picture, but all indications point that way.
Yesterday S15 had to put flags out at business for the 4th. H picked us up early in the morning to set them out, then came by late afternoon so we could take them down. One would think we were just one big happy family.
After taking the flags down, H brought us back home. I have been getting in the habit of thanking H then getting out of the vehicle before he has a chance to shut it off and come in. I tried that again but H shut the vehicle off and came into the house. The kids were scattered so it was just H and I. We chit-chatted til supper, which H helped me make and clean up. Then, H went outside and trimmed a bunch of the trees. I saw what he was doing, but I just stayed inside and cleaned out the bunny cage.
H just took it for granted that the kids and I were all going to the lake to see the fireworks with him, so I just went along with his plans. Had a really nice time with a lot of laughs and oohing and aahhhing over the fireworks. H then brought us home, helped unload the car, said good night and left.
So much of the time our interactions seem so "normal", which is why it is so hard to understand what is going on. One day at a time I guess.
Your H does not want to lose the family. And you are part of it. On the other hand, he does not want to let go the ow also. Difficut decision for him too.
I can't suggest what you should do. You have to make a decision that you are comfortable with. It is your life.
Last night my W picked up the kids and took them out for dinner. Last time was 2 months ago. I don't know why she does not contact the kids more often. I told my D to tell my W, that her brother is having liver cancer. The docter recommended for a transplant. Her sister asked me to tell my W to have a check up on her liver as well. Just a precausion. I asked my D to convey the message. It is strange that my W did not want to communicate to her own family. Guilt feeling? I don't know.
Your H does not want to lose the family. And you are part of it. On the other hand, he does not want to let go the ow also. Difficut decision for him too.
I can't suggest what you should do. You have to make a decision that you are comfortable with. It is your life.
Last night my W picked up the kids and took them out for dinner. Last time was 2 months ago. I don't know why she does not contact the kids more often. I told my D to tell my W, that her brother is having liver cancer. The docter recommended for a transplant. Her sister asked me to tell my W to have a check up on her liver as well. Just a precausion. I asked my D to convey the message. It is strange that my W did not want to communicate to her own family. Guilt feeling? I don't know.
I would answer on your thread but it has been locked out.
But, HOLY COW!!! Your W's brother has liver cancer, needs a transplant, and W's own family is unwilling to communicate that to her??? WOW! She really must have gone off the deep end. I do hope your daughter did tell her....maybe it will take a life or death circumstance like her brother's (and maybe her own health) to give her a dose of reality.
My W's sister did send sms to her cellphone, but she did not answer. That's why her sister asked me to tell her. Strange isn't it? But it is not my problem anymore.
I will open a new thread later. I am on business trip at the moment.
I had the strangest conversation with H tonight....and I keep laughing everytime I think of where the converstion headed.
H and S15 had been gone for 8 days on a canoe trip and just got home tonight. H dropped S15 at the house and came on in. The three of us talked for a bit then S15 went to the bassement to get online with friends. I then fixed H a drink and we talked for an hour or so.
I was also gone this past week taking some college credits at a city 75 miles from home. The course was put on by the Dept. of Education with a free offer of room and board. So, I stayed at the college instead of driving 150 miles home and back every day. Before H left on his canoe trip I had told him I was staying in the city for the week and taking a class.
Well, while having drinks tonight I got grilled on my course. H even outright asked me who I spent the nights with. I told him with "me, myself and I". I guess it was my laughing from shock of being asked such a thing that made H not quite believe me.
Later, D19 had called from work and wanted me to drop some Tylenol off for her...so i asked H to give me a ride to her work on his way to his place and I would walk home since I was going to go out for a walk anyhow. Instead of just dropping me off in front of her building, H pulled into a parking spot. Before I could even get a thank you out, H said, "You spent the week with somebody, didn't you"? I started laughing again because that was so far from the truth. H said he knew I had been with somebody because I had been so secretive about it, and, according to H, none of the kids even knew I was going to be gone for the week. (Apparantly H had asked each of the kids of my plans for the past week).
I once again told H that I was in class all week, that I have 5 out 6 papers finished and turned in, and that there was no one else. In fact, I told him there had been no one else for 27 years now. (To which H repled, "I doubt that's true.) I then said that "I wish there was someone else because this being single sucks". With that, I got out of the car and said good night.
I was laughing most of the way home just thinking about H accusing me of being with someone else. But, I don't know where to go from here, whether the mystery is good or not. It was a year ago or so that H told me it was OK with him if I did find and sleep with somebody else. In fact, H told me to go out and find someone, that it was fine with him and he would never let the kids know.
So, I may just play his wondering for all it is worth. I have another one day class in the city on Monday and I have already told H that I won't be back for a supper for all swimmers and parents. Of course, H is already trying to figure out why I won't be back. Then, next Fri.-Sun. I am going away to a bed-and-breakfast for a quilting retreat. I have not mentioned a word of the retreat to anyone. So, I am now wondering how mysterious I should be about next weekend.
Even though I was in class all week I had a wonderful time being away and just being able to be myself. For me, I even took a big step and actually met some other teachers at a bar for drinks. It was the first time I have ever walked into a bar alone and it was kind of scarey, but I survived!
I am ready to move on but don't feel I can when I have so much contact with H. H was here tonight, we are going to the rodeo together tomorrow night, then we will be together at a swimmeet on Monday night. It is very painful for me to be with H, but we do have 4 kids together so it is hard to avoid it all the time.
IMHO continue to be misterious. If you are still DBing, it is working. If you are not, it does not do any harm.
My W told me to find someone too May last year, before she decided to moveout in Sep. But she has never asked me about whether I had someone. It is not her business anymore after we have separated.
It seems that your H is jealous about you. Strange. He wants D. He has no right to be jealous since he has A himself.
