The bottom line is, if he is proceeding with the divorce, stick up for yourself and your kids, no matter now NICE he is being. Being nice is DOING nice.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi Wishing, been lurking quite awhile.(my 1st post in over a year) IMHO don't back down from what you deserve. He's probably mad because he has to face the reality of his actions. Your entitled to your fair share after 26 years. This was the point where things changed in my divorce.
I know it is very hard to go through with the D. Even more harder when you still have hope that your H may change his mind and be kind to you. It is difficult to give you a right advice.
In my situation, I am also proceeding with D. My W and I are discussing about to divide our property. Since the children are with me and my W did not contribute any to their living cost, I ask for more share. I have to think for me and my children, while my W is thinking for her and the om's interest. I am not sure what the final agreement will be. The children do not want to live with her because she lives with the OM and our children can't accept that they live with the person destroying their family. My ex W wanted more now as the om is influencing her POV. We discussed in calm manner. But there is no way back.
I have accepted things I can't change and move on with my life. I pray that God grant you peace also.
I was just on the computer tonight after having a go-around with H.....it lasted a couple of hours and I am exhausted, so I was trying to gather a few hints of wisdom from the bb.
Just hearing from an old "friend" really boosted the PMA. I am glad to hear that you are doing OK and have accepted that the D is inevitable. ow is still in the picture here and we still have not told the kids about the impending D, althought they all know we are separated. We need to start being honest with the kids before long.
I am waiting for the peace I keep hearing about, but am not there yet.
WOW, Gregcat! I thought you were long gone from the boards. Believe it or not but you picked a wonderful time to come back on. This past week has been pure he!! with H, so a little bit of moral support was just what the doctor ordered.
How are YOU doing? You were right about not posting in over a year (I did go back and search out your last thread ). You didn't say for sure, but is a D for you kind of on the back burner for now? Please update since I really am a curious person at heart.
It has sure been a long week with anything concerning H.....he is back into angry/derogatory mode. It was so bad the kids even tried to step in the middle today. As an example, H was opening gifts this afternoon for Father's Day. H had started opening my gift to him with anticipation until he realized it was from me. I had gotten him a hunting/skinning knife he had been wanting, and had even made arrangements for the designer of the knife to put a personalized inscription to H on the blade...it really was a very thoughtful and wanted gift. But H took a quick look at it, handed it off and never said another word about it. A couple of the kids tried to engage H in conversation about he knife but he totally ignored it and me. H did nothing but make himself look like and a$$ in front of the kids.
But at least he finally told me tonight why he is so angry.
I knew it had to do with the interrogatory questions I answered but I had absolutely no idea they would set him off this bad. He is just fuming over my answer to why I don't believe he should have full legal custody of our son....I answered that I don't like the morals (or lack of) that the has displayed during his A, and that he has been angry to the point of showing violence towards two of our kids.
The stupid thing about those questions is that H was only asked them out of revenge since my L had asked him similar questions. If H hadn't of asked I wouldn't have had to answer them. H believes that my answers will be a part of public record and that anyone can read them.....and he is so concerned that when others read my answers that they will lose any respect they had for him. It was never my intention to hurt H, rather I am trying to protect myself.
Question.... what do you call a married female who has had at least 3 adulterous affairs (that I know of and her H has confirmed) with men since her marriage, and my H is now paying money for things for her each month?? I call her a whore, pure and simple, although I found out tonight that H doesn't like that term.
Tonight I am just plain mad. I have been hurt countless times the past 3 1/2 years, but this is only the second time that I am truely mad. H has refused to name the whore and seems willing to go to jail protecting her. That really hurts, but what truely made me mad tonight was when H said that he could not believe or ever forgive me for writing that he had shown violence towards the kids. According to H that is so much worse than him carrying on a affair the past 5 years. I just don't see it...it must be the alien talking!
H is off on the mothership someplace if he thinks our kids will not want to know what the D record says. H thinks he can continue on with his affair and we will get a friendly D with him dictating the terms. I think not!
So, tomorrow it is back to the lawyer and to order n forensic appraisal(???) of H's business and to get a some kind of "compel" order for H to answer his interrogatory questions with answers other than "a friend".
It has taken a looooong time, but I have come to realize that this M is now over, that I want out, that I no longer even like the person H is, let alone want to be with him.
One other thing hit me tonight and although I very much believe in and worship God, I don't necessarily give much credence to "signs". However, the very first letter that I ever received from H, I was home from college and my dad asked who was writing me and I told my dad who H was.....that H was home on leave from the Marines and I had just met him. My dad's reactions was that you can't trust a Marine. My dad was against my M, and I was not even sure until Dad showed up at my wedding that he would even be there. Anyhow, I was married less than a year when my dad was killed...and I have been married 26+ years. Well, it dawned on me that the first D papers H had drawn up were on my dad's birthday. The second set was drawn up and signed on the anniversary of my dad death. Maybe that was a sign from above?
It is hard in you current situation now. I understand how you feel. But you will have to go through with it.
Even after 9 months S, I still felt down when discussing about D. But there is no way back. In the last 9 months, my W only contacted my D through sms. Not even had the time to call. Ocassionally she had lunch/dinner with the kids. My S did not want to reply my W's sms. I found out from my W last week when I asked her why she did not talk to my S. Can she feel happy? Maybe if she doesn't care about our kids. It seems that the om is more important than anything for her. Goodluck for her if it can last forever.
If your H does not want to give up the ow, after 3.5 years, you have to reconsider your options. DO you still have the patience to wait until he wakes up? If yes, continue DBing as best as you could. It not, you have to make a hard decision to let go your M. Only you can make decision on this one.
In Australia, unfortunately there is no fault D here. I think it encourages people to have A as it does bear any financial consequences. Having A is a breach of a M contract. It should be punished with penalty like in a commercial world. Otherwise what is the purpose to get married. If both parties can't continue the M, they could end with mutual agreement. ANd then the parties are free to find another partner. But not before the M is ended.
Somewhere there has to be a light at the end of this tunnel...
I talked with H about when we are going to tell the kids about the pending D. I would like to do it when they are all together, which leaves either this week or the the first couple of weeks in Aug. H asked if we couldn't wait until August.
I asked him what he was planning on telling the kids....and of course it is only his version of the story. He will tell them he hasn't been happy since 1991, that he kept telling me he wasn't happy but I wouldn't do anything about it, that I didn't support him in his career, that we have decided to get a D, blah, blah, blah. His reality and mine are so different. First, I didn't have a clue anything was wrong until he dropped the bomb in 2002, which also means I never heard that he was unhappy. As far as supporting his career.....I get no credit for being a darn good Marine wife and supporting him up the ying-yang. That part of it just infuriates me to no end. I can't tell you the number of Marines that have asked me if I had a sister they could marry (they saw what a good wife/mom I was).
First of all I told H I would never say to the kids that "we" have decided to D. H wants this, not I. Secondly, the kids will ask why (they are 15-24) and I think they should know about the affair. It is one thing if there was an affair and it had ended, but H's affair is still continuing after 5 years. Besides, even if I don't say anything to them about the A, they will find out one way or another since the D papers as well as the upcoming tial are open to the public.
H, S15 and I were at a swim meet again today. H was even half way civil most of the time and at one point H was even flirting a little bit. That changed when we got home and one of the kids brought up Clinton and his affair. H turned very cold then and left shortly after supper. I sure hope his calms down soon since we are leaving Fri. for 3 days for a swimmeet for S15.
Your H arguments about he was not happy since 1991 is a typical argument of someone who had an A and tries to justify his/her action.
Marriage is a contract. If he/she is not happy and wants to end the marriage. It is understandable if both have tried their best and fail. Both can part and find their own partner. But by having an A while M and end the marriage that way is unacceptable morally.
In my case I don't need to tell the kids and they knew from the sms they read from my W's cellphone (while they were playing games). It hurt very much to them. Because it was their mother who committed A. I think you should tell your kids the truth. They are old enough to understand. Let them make their own judgement.
I wish it would not be like that for you. But sometimes life is full of up and downs. I wish you all the best.
I just go home from spending 3 days away with S15 and H. Everytime I come home from a weekend away like this I am more messed up than ever. The D is in the works, I have no doubt it is going to happen, I just haven't figured out the why part.
There was a funeral for my mom's only sister on Friday but I was going to be gone so the kids and I were going to go to the viewing on Thursday night. H asked if it was ok if he came along to it but that he wouldn't if I didn't want him to. I told him he was welcome to come with me and it was kind of nice to have his support. But, I don't understand why he came. In 26 years I am sure he never met my aunt (he would never come to the few functions on my side of the family), and he only knew a couple of my uncles and none of my cousins that were there. Maybe he was coming for show, but I have no idea.
H, S15 and I left Fri. morning for 3 days in the Black Hills for a swimmeet. It was nice, enjoyable trip and had a good time. Now get this, H reseved us rooms at a National Guard Camp....and he even told us on the way out there that he had reserved 2 rooms but each room only had a twin size bed and no couch. So, sleeping quarters with H were quite cozy to say the least. We are getting a D, right?
Then on the way home tonight, H mentioned taking a mini-vacation with the kids in Aug., which makes absolutely no sense to me. H and I have agreed to tell the kids about the D when S22 gets back from Spain, which is the first week of Aug. D19 heads back to Notre Dame around the 15th of Aug. So, that really does not leave much time to go on vacation and tell the kids about the D. And why in the world does he want to go on vacation with me anyhow??
This detaching business sucks. I do just fine until we are together for something with the kids, then it seems like I am back to square one again.
). You didn't say for sure, but is a D for you kind of on the back burner for now? Please update since I really am a curious person at heart. 
We are getting a D, right?