I can't believe this is the same man from 3 days ago. Sorry he's acting like such a creep. If you think you need to talk to OW's H, then go ahead, but the more the "secret" is out, the more he will feel like his bridges are burned. The harder it will be for him to come home.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I can empathize with your situation. My H is also in the Military and they are a breed of their own! I read a book that really helped me, it is called Surviving an Affair, I believe the Author is Chalmers. I really learned a lot from this book.
My H has since answered all of my questions regarding his A. I will tell you that the push pull was because it was still going on. When it ended that push pull stopped. The I want to do things for you, but I still move some stuff out. My H did the exact same thing. Although he was gone for 5 months. That, I am leaving but not today is excruciating and I am sorry you are going through that. What I found is that when I truly DB'd and completely let go and was happy and content, he saw that. His A has its chance to bloom and what it did was withered. He found out the grass was not greener.
The problem I am having now is that I am not sure that I want this anymore and that scares me. I will tell you that I would be honest with your children and tell them the truth. Chances are they already now. My counselors said it was very important to tell my children the truth. As upsetting as it was they did find peace in knowing the real reason. I want them to grow up with honesty even if that means hearing things you don't want to know.
I am very sorry about the recent development. I know the pain. My heart is going out also to you.
What your H said is not reasons at all. But that is how he tries to justify his A. By blaming the fault at you, he can feel better. Of course nobody is perfect. He might have reasons to feel recentment on you. But having A is not a solution he should have taken. My W has also a similar reasoning. That I did not help enough on house work. When I took over most of the house work for the last 2 years, to show her that I was not fuzzy about house work. But she still continued her A. So it was not the real reason.
I think your H probably has a strong emotional attachment to the ow. That's why he can't let go. If the ow is still married, then it is very complicated. If you informed her H, depending on his reaction, you may speed up their separation. That is what your H wants.
Mel, I can't believe this is the same guy either. But, then again, I am the one who asked to meet with him and brought up the R talk. As far as speaking with ow's H, that has always been my intention. There is no way ow is getting off scott-free. And, if it just pushes her and H closer together.....well, their A is almost 5 years old now, so it would not be a surprise.
Jen, thanks for the advice on the book, I will put it on my list. I just hate to see us military wives here. Why is it that our guys are willing to give up their lives for their country but can't quite manage to give up their wanderings?? H told me the A ended 2 years ago and he promised me that if there was ever any contact with ow that he would let me know about it withing 24 hours. (I just found out in Nov. that it has been going on again for many months).
I am just so torn as to which path to choose. I have been on the path of staying friends, making sure H is included in family activities, "acting" the wife part....the whole nine yards. But I am not healing nor am I really accepting that a D is happening.
I know the kids need to be told, but once again I think that the more people who know about it, the harder it would be for H to change his mind. They do know that H has moved out but that is about it.
Raindeer, ya, I fully realize that "not making cookies often enough or not folding his t-shirts the right way" is not really a reason the D someone....although those are reasons H has given. I know H is blaming me for everything, but it is his way of justifying his behavior.
I saw the L again today and felt better after talking to him. I will NOT be a doormat in this D and give in to all of H's demands, nor do I expect to accept with gratitude the paltry amount of alimony H has suggested. The person I talked to last night was not the H I used to know.
An interesting note....H emailed me a comic movie clip of "LifeGuardinthePool"... and just attached a note saying "here's one for you....". I took it as a peace offering since H and I have NEVER emailed one another comic things.
H called last night as I was headed out the door so I just let S15 answer the phone and talk to this dad for awhile. Later in the evening H called back to talk to me. (note to self....H rarely goes more than a day without initiating some contact with me.) The phone conversation was very light-hearted and pleasant. H had called his sister and I guess H and I are meeting up with her and her H for dinner tonight. They live an hour away and it will be just H and I in the car.....it could me interesting.
H is also planning on coming over today to change the oil in my car and check out S15's car.....both of which are H's ideas. When I asked what time, H said around lunch......I did take the bait and invite him for lunch.
All I can see is that whatever I am doing is NOT working, I think.
I want to keep up the friendship part and good-will because I have not quite heard the death bell on this M yet. But at the same time it is so hard to go forward with the D process while still maintaining a positive R with H.
I know that for me total darkness is what I need to harden my heart against this pain, but I don't seem to be able to do that yet.
I understand your dilemma. On one side you are still hoping that your M can be recovered. On the other side it is hard when your H still not willing to let go the ow. Only you know what is the best for you.
I still regret that my M can not be saved. But I feel relieved now that I don't need to suffer when my W went somewhere without telling where she went or what she was doing. WIth the om in the picture, I felt cheated and it was unbearable. Now I live my life. DOn't care about what my W is doing. Soon we will be D and I am looking forward to a new happy life in the future. I still feel blessed that I have so wonderful kids. They fill my time and still make me happy. I don't hate my W anymore. Last Sat we did taichi together. I can see her face to face without emotion. Time will heal any wound. I think I am about ready to plan my own future without my soon to be ex W.
You need to tell your kids about what is happening. They may be shocked. But soon or later they will know. They will know when they are old enough who is right and who is wrong.
Raindeer, I have told the kids that H no longer lives here, but have not elaborated on anything else. D19 did call tonight and asked again if H was staying with me, but I told her he was not. She made the comment that we sure kept it well hidden over Christmas, which we did just so there was no tension while all the kids were home.
H came over for lunch yesterday, then changed the oil in the cars and did some other putzing around. I took D22 out to look at new cell phone plans, when I got back H was just pulling up from getting a ladder I needed that he had taken to his office. H was in a strange mood since he came over, then when all the kids left H almost ran out the door to leave. I told him he was acting weird again, he kind of nodded and left, but said he would be back in a couple hours to pick me up to go to his sister's.
We had a pleasant few hours with SIL and BIL, then went to pick S15 up from a party. We got there about midnight but son wasn't ready to leave til 2...so H and I just went to a park and took a nap for a couple hours......no hanky, panky.
We got home around 3am, H came into the house and just seemed reluctant to leave and was just putzing around. I finally asked him if he wanted to spend the night....his comment was "if it won't make things harder". He then asked me where I wanted him to sleep and I told him with me. Then it was strange because he asked where I was sleeping and I told him in our bed.
H was out of the house like a bat this morning, but was back a couple hours later to pick us up to go work cows. It was H's idea to pick us KFC to eat with my brother before working cows. As we were ready to leave, brother called and said the weather was too bad to deal with the cows. So here H and I are left with a whole bunch of chicken and fixings and a huge thermos of hot chocolate. H suggested that we go to the farm anyway and share lunch, then I suggested we visit him mom afterwards....so there was about 3 hours of driving time. I had a really nice afternoon.
I feel like life continues to tick away and I am just going with the flow. I cannot figure out anything to change other than going completely dark, and I just do not feel that is the right thing to do.
I know you still love your H and hoping that he will wake up and change his mind. It is still possible. But while DBing, you need also mentally prepare that D may be coming. Find your strength from your kids. My kids help me to overcome my loneliness. I am busy with my kids and the time flies.
Last weekend I was able to face my W without emotion. No love nor hate. I think I am healing. Life will be better. I am confidant that I will find my happiness and love again. At least I find my peace now.
I bit the bullet on Monday night and called ow's H. I only talked with him long enough to give him an email address and to inform him that his wife was having a long term. (I already knew that he knew about the affair, what I didn't know was if he knew it was still going on).
We have emailed several times since then.....I CANNOT believe how much I did not know. I really feel like I was duped these past 4 1/2 years. I just feel like such a fool for not being suspicious when so much was going on under my nose.
My H has even called ow's H and they have exchanged several emails. ow's H sent me a couple of the emails....can I say what a pompous a$$ my H was in those emails??? What an absolute holier-than-attitude he had. urghhhhh
Ow's H has pictures and actual email correspondence, as well as notes and letter between H and ow. I think I will be seeing those soon. Ow has even admitted to infidelity at a different time than H told me about.....it just all builds my case for divorce on grounds of adultery.
I really have tried to save this marriage, but I am at the end of the road. The knowledge of more details of the affair is helping me to see just how low my H sunk. He is NOT the man I once knew. And I am beginning to realize more and more that he is not a man that I want to know.
Until those i's are dotted and the t's are crossed I cannot see me giving up on my M. But at the same time, after finding out the magnitude of the lies and deceptions of H, I honestly don't know how it would be possible to trust him again.
As strange as it may sound, I really do think God is watching out for me in His unique way. There is no way I could have survived all these details at the beginning. So, He is giving them to me in doses that I can handle.
You are about to find out how devious I am so please don't feel I am a terrible person. This is from one military wife to another...
Our situations are almost so much alike it is scarey. My H had an A for 18 months. It stopped because I dropped the rope and I mean I dropped the rope.
Whenever my H was around I looked hot, acted as if I was just fine and even happy and content. I got a life and actually really started to enjoy it. But I also played some head games..here comes the devious part.
I sent myself flowers so that he would see them with a mysterious note that said "when your ready" I went on a date. I left clues around the house like books on how to date after a D. I would not answer the phone when I knew he would call. Or if I did I would say I am on the other line did you need something?
My military man went nuts, and secretly I enjoyed it! He started to get really possessive about me. Following me, going through my journal, which I must say was to my advantage because I wrote things about feelings I was having for other men, how I was excited to ML with someone else...you get the picture.
See, sometimes I think they take for granted that we will just always be there and forget that our love is a gift and priviledge, not a gurantee. Sometimes, they really need to see what loss is all about.
I didn't gift him with all of the things he needed from me. That is why your H still comes around he is not getting all that he needs from ow, so you are still fulfilling those needs. When there absent and ow doesn't fill them, then he will feel loss and it will shock the crap out of him. I know it sounds awful, but honestly you have tried everything else, why not go for it.
In fact if you want to teach them both a lesson start getting together with ow's husband...LOL.
Take this advice for what it's worth, either the rantings of crazy women or just a new technique. But remember military men don't like other people on their territory!
