"Cold as the northern winds In December mornings, Cold is the cry that rings From this far distant shore.
Winter has come too late Too close beside me. How can I chase away All these fears deep inside?
Chorus: I'll wait the signs to come. I'll find a way I will wait the time to come. I'll find a way home.
My light shall be the moon And my path - the ocean. My guide the morning star As I sail home to you"
Well, here we go... back to doubting my own sanity. I really don't think I'm crazy, but I do think I'm very unhappy. It just doesn't help that I've had my H telling me that I'm crazy for five years, because I yell irrationally when I lose my temper. I'm not so sure that the intensity of my temper is the problem so much as the frequency with which I lose it. It used to be a once a or two month when I'd really get frustrated and blow up, the past couple of months it's been about every other day... not good. I'm not sad all of the time, but I'm definately got many other symptoms of depression. I'm not sure if I'm depressed because I'm angry or if I'm angry because I'm depressed, but I do know that I'm not very happy with myself either way... so I decided to see a psychiatrist. Certainly no amount of yoga or language classes or conversation groups seems to have helped. I really hope I get medication, which is saying a lot, because I HATE taking medicine. Zoloft take me away! (See, some humor is still intact.)
H is supportive, which he should be... Mean Zero thinks that he is taking this opportunity to be smug in my acknowledgment that he's been right about me all along, even though he hasn't been right. Nice Zero thinks that maybe he's just relieved that I might not jump down his throat every day. I can not believe I'm still in piecing.
I'm feeling sick today which was bad timing as my boss is leaving town for three weeks tomorrow and I have Italian conversation group tonight. I'm hopeful that organizing the Italian conversation group will be something positive for me. I just want to sleep for a very long time.
You know, Z, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you, and just because you may be clinically depressed and in need of medication (don't fight it, did wonders for my H and D ) - doesn't mean that you aren't correct when you determine that your H and his chronic lack of true commitment and intimacy aren't a big part of the underlying problem!
Ellie, I was certain you'd chime in when there was a medical situation afoot. I do appreciate your thoughts, which made me feel not quite so crazy. Thank you.
Ahhh... Zoloft. I went to see my GP who went ahead and prescribed Zoloft. I know it's a little rough at the ramp up, but I'm at the edge of edgy. I can sit perfectly still, but I really want to run down the hall shaking my hands in the air. Last week, my H couldn't get me to stop screaming at him, now he can't get me to stop talking so he can sleep.
Still, I've managed to remain depressed enough for the past five days that I haven't yelled at him. I think he feels differently, because we're still hashing out a stupid argument from last weekend. I don't care what he says, he can't convince me that I didn't hand him the grocery list I handed him; nor can he tell me that I planted it in his pocket later... and neither did the dog ... AND that joke is wearing thin. I'm the one going to therapy; and he's the one who weaves me into conspiracy theories so he doesn't have to admit he was wrong about being given a grocery list.
All that aside, I think it's been a good week. H and I are very busy with the Italian conversation group. This week someone hooked me up with another culture group; and we went to a mixer. I was so proud of H. He was outgoing, gracious, and charming. He was even talking me up. I rarely see him like that in groups, so it was nice to see him relaxed and meeting people. I'm really glad for both our sakes that we're doing this together.
My GP is also sending me to a cardiologist to check out my heart murmur residual from a congenital defect. He's the first doctor in 34 years to think it ought to be checked. H is thrilled at this news. I've agreed with H that it ought to be checked, but now I can say that my doctor is making me do it. I expect everything will check out fine, but it will be nice to know for sure.
Today I pointed out to H that I had not yelled at him in five days. He said it was because he wasn't talking to me the way he wanted to. I said, "Thanks!" Except I don't think he's trying to do a 180, I think he's trying to endure a week with me.
I'm still pretty nervous and foggy... I'm not sure what's because of the Zoloft and what's being caused by the Clarinex. I did enjoy lying awake last night breathing through my nose... a rare luxury.
I read a book that showed statistically, that ...this was using examples from only one particular profession...that when there are problems in a marriage that this particular professional type almost always blames it on the partner being crazy or depressed.
I read a book called "Living with a Passive/Agressive Man". Seems that the most common response to living with a P/A man is for the woman to become angry and frustrated and 'yell' a lot. Then SHE is seen as the crazy one.
Point: It may be true that a partner can behave in such a way that we cannot 'talk ' to them, let them know what we are feeling. If we do, often they don't respond with compassion. We get frustrated, we get hurt, we get angry and finally react by, according to them...acting crazy. And so the blame shifts from the P/A behaviors, which are hidden and disguised (tho based in anger and fear and resentment)to us, who react honestly and openly and get called 'crazy', bitchy, nagging etc.
Just a thought and maybe something to read up on and discuss with your therapist.
I do believe that my H needles me; and I do believe he is passive agressive. The question is, "How on earth am I going to live with that for the rest of my life, when he doesn't want to do anything about it?" Does the book answer that question. I don't think Zoloft is a long term solution for me.
I "think" that taking Zoloft is better than being angry, but it's hard to say. I was hoping for some emotion-free time to think, but I'm not really able to concentrate enough to think. I keep finding myself staring off into space, listening to myself breathe. The anxiety is a little better, but I definately am distracted.
The good news is that we're talking about sex again. Last night he was even doling out some old (or maybe it was new) complaints that I'd never heard before. I just sat there thinking, "Gee that doesn't really ring a bell, but there's no point in arguing with him." Sigh. I even managed to say something constructive.
Hey there! I've been avoiding posting to my own thread lately. It seems that everytime I sit down to type I start griping. Yesterday, I was weighing out how my life might be different if H were not in it. Somehow I managed to put together a list of enjoyable things he brings to my life. I gave him the list and it seemed to please him. Guess he's not all that bad after all.
I'm still depressed and unmotivated. The medication has me starving all of the time, so I keep cramming food in my mouth. Getting out of bed in the morning seems like a good idea until I actually do it, then I can't remember what I'm supposed to do next. Oh, right... eat chocolate.
He worked late on applications last night... achieved nothing and blew it off this morning... I hate the procrastination that only manages to cost him time with me. Nonetheless, I managed a to have a productive enough evening that the house and dogs were clean when he came home.
Hope everyone's having a good day. I'm just sitting around trying not to blurt out anything stupid. --z
Hello everybody. Friday night H gave up coming over to work on a job application. It was wierd, because we'd talked about this job the week before. He'd talked about all of the down side, then he talked about the upside. I thought he was going to apply, and was very excited, because the location was really cool... and I'm ready for a change. When I talked to him Friday evening he said he had never intended to apply. I said "Rats! I was really excited about that." He said he'd look at it again. I figured he'd come up with some reason not to do it, but he decided to stay home and work on it. Over the weekend he talked it down all weekend long... He kept asking me, "What are you going to do when...?" I'd answer the question and he'd shoot it down. I finally got fed up and called him on it. He said he was just bringing out these issues so that I couldn't say that I didn't know. I'm not sure if he's more paranoid or more patronizing. I sure don't feel loved and respected when he talks like that. It took some doing, but I finally got him to add something constructive to the conversation.
We did our duty as aunt and uncle this weekend; and had a pleasant enough time. On Sunday, I didn't even want to get out of bed. H managed to coax me out around 11 a.m. and I decided to make the best of the day. H couldn't help but notice how lethargic I was, so he asked me about it. I could tell he was expecting to hear that it was all about him, so he was probably a little surprised. I told him that the Zoloft hadn't really kicked in yet, so I am probably depressed... plus it's a hard drug to ramp up on, so I feel drugged a lot of the time. It's just confusing right now. I told him that I had been thinking alot about the depression and anger; and felt like I could trace it back to a discussion I had with my boss earlier this summer.
My boss has a reputation for giving the worst, most inaccurate and demoralizing performance reviews ever. He gave me two this year. The first one I was fantastic and couldn't be better, so I got a raise. A month later he couldn't think of anything nice to say about me. The straw that broke the camel's back is that he removed a major piece of my responsibilities that happened to be the only reason why I took this job. He said that he did not support me in this part of my career, which he had previously promised to do. He also said that he wanted to reduce the time spent on this particular area, though I was told they were expanding this when I was hired. I felt as though I'd been lied to and ill used. Since I now make a lot more money than I could in the private sector, I really want to stay here and find something else to do. It could be years. In the meantime, it just feels like I'm marking time.
H typically tried to "fix" things, though there's nothing to be fixed, so he gave me a long hug. That was better. I spent the rest of the day making sauces in the kitchen while H worked out in the yard. I got the bug to start calling people, which happens once every year or so... otherwise I couldn't be paid to pick up the phone. I called one of our new friends from the conversation group, one of my old friends from church and one of my cousins. It's good to be in touch with people.
This morning I confronted H about something that's been on my mind. I told him that I'm not certain if I want to go to therapy for the depression. Rightfully, he pointed out that it's something I need to take care of, but I'm not so sure that it's not a temporary thing that will go away when circumstances change.
I also told him that I resented it a little that I would be going to therapy to deal with my depression and anger issues, while he does nothing for his depression. Why should I fix my problems just to live with his? (I know that whether or not he takes responsibility for himself is beside the point. I'm just tired of it being all about me and my problems.) He asked me why I thought he was depressed, I told him that I thought the fact he had been clinically diagnosed with depression was a good reason. He deflected as usual, so I told him that I thought he was passive aggressive. He didn't take that too well, and wanted examples. I explained to him how I think that he feeds my temper by being non-responsive so that I will blow up and make him "right." I explained to him how he manipulates conversations so that I make the decision, even though he wants the same thing and just won't say it. He dismissed these and asked for specific examples. I told him that I wasn't going to give him one case after another to rationalize; and he should accept that this is just how I see things. He was not happy and probably blew me off. I probably could have said it better. I'll probably hear the gross misinterpretation thrown back at me ad infinitum. I needed to say something.
We're supposed to go to a conversation dinner tonight. I still feel drugged and uninspired. As usual, I just want to go back to bed. Hopefully the dinner tonight will perk me up. Y'all take care. --z
Our dinner the other night was pretty neat. I decided to start a study group on the side. H wasn't too thrilled since it will take time away from him, but I'm going to try to keep the meetings short.
I went to see my cardiologist this week about a congenital heart condition I have. He said my heart isn't perfect, but he thinks I'm in good shape. Hopefully it will last me another 30-40 years without trouble. That's good news.
This morning I woke up and received a rare gift... contentment. I was lying in bed spooning with my husband with one dog curled up against us and the other dog at the foot of the bed. I was warm. I was rested. Most importantly, I was simply happy to have that one perfect moment. I even tried to think of something bad, but it didn't change my mood. I just thought about how I couldn't do anything about it right that minute, and it was more important to just enjoy the moment. Bliss.
I hope everyone gets a moment of contentment soon. Take care. --z
) - doesn't mean that you aren't correct when you determine that your H and his chronic lack of true commitment and intimacy aren't a big part of the underlying problem!
