“We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happens to us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction, and when we turn over our lives to Him, he takes far better care of us than we could ever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fire ourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power over to Him. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human.”
Can’t remember who said this or where I read it, but very appropriate. That I am here to serve others. That whatever good I give out will be given back to me, if not by the person who I did the good for, but by someone else. I will be blessed.
Things are going amazingly well even WITH OW still in the picture. When I take her out, ignore her and just look at my H, I see lots of positives, lots of little things that weren’t happening a few months ago…or maybe they were but my focus was elsewhere . I am doing great, oh I have my difficult days, times, etc., but those are outnumbered by all the good and wonderful things, the little things my H is doing. When I stop focusing on what he’s not doing, what he’s not saying, but instead LISTEN very carefully to what H is saying, pay attention to what H is doing, I see him coming closer to me.
We had a date a week ago and it was fun, it reminded me of when we first started dating except there were no secrets, we were ourselves. I’m not a big drinker, but had a couple Capt.Morgan/Coke’s…yummy. I usually stick to beer and after I had a few of the mixed drinks KNOW why I don’t drink them…they go down like soda! Gimme an ice cold beer and I am very happy and one is all I want.
I’ve found a church to attend, it’s different than the church I attended while growing up which means I will probably upset some of my family who won’t understand why I am choosing this church. My H wanted to know why I picked it and I replied “what church do you attend?” H says he prays in the woods…for a big buck to shoot. Then said he talks to God all the time and why do I need to go there. I said I’m fine reading the bible and you’re right I don’t think a person has to attend church, but that I wanted our S to get involved. The church I chose is one he attended a few times with #2 and her “whacko friends”, which I just found out, so I think his issues are more with #2 and not me and is worried they will brainwash me or something. H said they’ll make you quit watching TV and they’ll call you all the time. He did say that their Xmas service was very nice and had nothing but good to say about that, then commented on everyone confessing to everyone about their lives, their sicknesses and how they were healed. Then wanted to know why people run to God when in crisis and I replied to H “He came to me” to which H had no smart remark and a lot of times it's what happens when people are at the end of their rope, at death's door they find God.
H has been a little more open on his whereabouts, not completely as he is in teenager mode other times. Left me a note last Friday to let me know he was going hunting, and I can’t remember the last time he left me a note, but then forgot to come home(and I know where he was). He took his cellphone charger with him which I didn’t notice till later in the evening. The note was a mixed message of some type, meaning he left the note, took the charger so wasn’t planning on coming back from hunting. Although the note said “gone hunting” but didn’t say for how long as he did go hunting the next day.
We had a good weekend, we are clicking in so many ways, yet there are still walls up by him and by me..like we’re both afraid to open up too much. He's so afraid I'll leave him, that I really don't want him, his self esteem is still low yet at other times, he's boasting about the fact that he's able to get away with being married and having a girlfriend..yeah I know.
It’s his life, he has decisions to make, can’t for some reason and still is looking for me to decide or when I start to maybe push a little WANTS me to decide. We’ve been talking a lot lately, but H isn’t quite getting it, isn’t to the point where he can give up OW. It’s very clear to me he’s using her and she’s too stupid to see that. She’s like a groupie in a way..ready to give everything, include years out of her life, to a man who isn’t going to give her very much in return.
I think it was Ellie who said H’s love language was quality time and it’s beginning to sink in, H wants my full attention. I’m there for him when he has doc appt., funerals, when he needs major emotional support I am the one he turns to. I’m a great helper, not great at anticipating H’s needs at all times, but I am getting better, but he is asking me which is huge, he wouldn’t have done that in the past, I would have to just KNOW.
When I look back to this summer and look at now, my have things changed. My H has changed I see the changes, but I think I’ve changed more and the changes have stuck. My changes are creating his changes, just like HB said! It just takes time and patience…. and patience…and patience…and more patience!!
Gosh, Cathy, your posts are so full of wonderfulness... it almost makes me forgive you for not posting more, hehe.
I heard a quote the other day, "men are the only being that run faster when they have lost their way..." I don't remember who said it but I think it was on Beth Moore's show. How true it is.
You sound wonderful.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I miss chatting with you, we must catch up sometime soon!
There are battles going on with H, big battles, and it's taking all my strength to say enough is enough. His anger came out again and the issue wasn't really something that should have brought out that much anger but it spiraled H back to how awful I was and why he left--blaming. He's still in "me" mode and blaming others. I am focussing on the good things these days, not what he's not doing or that it's still about him. It's his battle, his choices, his life and he cannot make me feel bad about anything any longer.
Holdingon, you know I've put off finding a church for a long time, it just wasn't a strong feeling to look, until recently. I visited one church, which was smaller, and then the church last week, which is a bigger congregation--same type of church and I found it more to my liking, I felt comfortable there.
For some reason the Lord wanted me to find a church and I found one. My mind keeps revisiting the time I spent at church last week and I think it's going to be very important that I continue to attend.
Sorry to read that you are struggling a bit (or rather your H is!) but know that you have the tools and knowledge to get through this rough patch with H.
I have to say though....you sound great!
I'm on vacation beginning tomorrow and will be back on the 12/13th.
I hope you have a wonderful and happy weekend/workweek and will check in you when I get back.
Looking for advice. My H's 50th bday is coming up soon and I am planning a surprise birthday party for him. Although, I'm not 100% sure it's the thing to do at this point in our M/R. H still has contact with OW, but our R is getting stronger and he is slowly turning back to me.
One fear I have, but I keep pushing it back down saying it doesn't matter is that OW WILL find out about it and spoil the surprise and/or show at the party.
I'd like to get him an expensive gift, but think it will look like I'm competing with OW as this is what she thinks my H wants, expensive toys and gifts. I have two ideas for gifts and am really struggling with to give or not to give at this point.
Deep in my heart I think H would appreciate the birthday party, it would mean a lot to him and I REALLY want to do this for my H. However, pulling it off is going to be the tricky part.
I need to make a decision by the end of this week as I'd like to get invitations in the mail since it'll be about a month away at that point. I have pretty much till the day of the party to decide on which gift if any, also.
Isn't the saying "it's the thought that counts" could also apply, so thoughtful vs. flashy and look how wonderful I am or see I can give big gifts, too! Competing!!
I vote for going ahead with the surpise party. Even IF the OW gives it away, your H will still know that it was her that did that and that YOU still planned everything and got it put together. Just like all the other areas of your life, go on as if she isn't there, cuz she really isn't any way. Focus on your H and if he would appreciate a party then bring it on!!
As for the gift, I vote for non glitzy. From my cyber knowledge of you, it doesn't seem to be your style. And your H will know it is not from YOU, but an alterior motive. Even if he can't quite put his finger on what it is about it.
I say find something that is specific to something that you two have shared. Like something he saw while the two of you were away, that ONLY you would have been able to share with your H. Even if it was from years back. Something like, "Remember when we went to XXXX and we saw YYYY and I wanted to get that special thing for you on this special day.....
I have to be missing something, some lesson I'm not learning.
Last night H, S4 and I were having a good evening, everything seemed fine until H got back from running an errand. I've been doing something really dumb all summer and up till now, not all the time, but A LOT of the time...leaving my car unlocked at night. My garage door opener is in my car and so locking the doors to the house has been kind of useless. I thanked the Lord right away for keeping us safe!
Well H came in angry, pointed this out to me, was angry and then said he was leaving and to have S20 meet him in the woods early Saturday morning for hunting....just like that out of the blue. Storms around for awhile, plugs in his cell phone and then goes into the bedroom and wants to me to follow. Closes the door and says "you don't even want me here do you" "you don't say you want me here!" I do, but usually H ignores it or grunts about.
He then brought up OW and how would I feel if they were always friends? I said you mean be friends and be here with S4 and me? I said well is that what she wants? Is that why she keeps hanging around and doing things for you? H says she does nice things for a lot of people, she's thoughtful. I told him a marriage isn't for three people. I said I don't have a chance and, "I am not competing with HER" I told him I couldn't even send him flowers when he was in the hospital becuase SHE sent him something...to me that is competing and I'm not doing those kinds of things until she is out of the picture. He keeps saying ow won't leave him alone, he keeps telling her to find someone else but she won't leave him alone. He said he even asked ow why she wanted him, he's been divorced twice and working on the third...well duhhh. I said what did she say and H said "nothing" The thing is H said the exact same things to me when we first me.
H said he was miserable, OW was miserable and that I was miserable. I said "I'm not miserable". I'm waiting for H to decide what he's going to do, watching him agonize over making a decision.. H said he's been miserable for the last two years and now his health is being affected. At one point he sat at the kitchen counter with his head in his hands.
Said "we don't get along" "we weren't meant to be together" I said don't include me in the "we" you're talking for yourself.
For some reason I keep pushing him towards OW, if that's where he wants to be then I want him to be where he's happy. I told him I love him, but if he wants to be there than I would be okay. But H doesn't go to her, I've told him a number of times, every time we "talk" in fact. I wonder if OW knows this...I doubt it. But, do tell him it has to be his decision, I'm not going to kick him out.
There's lots more going on here then I'm posting, that I don't want to put in writing. Then H brought up my running to God, "why do people run to God when stuff like this happens" W#2 ran to God, so now I'm wondering why she did turn to the Lord, H never has told me and until now it wasn't an issue. However, the other night he wanted me to know that he hasn't talked to W#2 since they were D'd which was over ten years ago.
He's struggling, trying to make a decision, but just can't at this point. Things between us are getting better and better, yet there's kind of a line and until OW is out of the picture we'll be stuck where we're at.
H wasn't really making any sense about some things, like keeping OW as a friend and then saying she's miserable? And I highly doubt she'd be content being friends with H forever and she's not pursuing H to be friend with him.
H hasn't stayed with OW for over two weeks, been coming here every night, calling most nights to let me know what he's up to. During the day he never calls me at work, nor do I call him. I've just been detaching, living my life, focussing on me and what the Lord is trying to teach me, some things about myself that are coming to the surface. I still have work to be done on myself and maybe that's why we're not progressing. At times I'm still pointing a finger at H, but there are three more pointing back at me.
I am at this point more trying to be a friend to H than anything else, our M is on the backburner for now. Which I believe is takig a lot of pressure off of H, I don't expect anything of him. I show him compassion, kindness and have been really listening when he talks and trying to respond as a friend would, someone who doesn't have a vested interest in the outcome of his decision.
Quote: then goes into the bedroom and wants to me to follow. Closes the door and says "you don't even want me here do you" "you don't say you want me here!" I do, but usually H ignores it or grunts about.
Hi Cathy ... sure has been a bit.
Well, I see he's still going around and around on the "you don't want me..." What if you did a 180 in making a more permenant record that you want with you. Do you have a camcorder? What about making a tape of yourself saying what's in your heart for him to play whenever he needs to hear it. Maybe even make a new one each week saying it a little differently each time so he knows you are saying it in the present tense.
If video is not your thing, it may be just as effective to buy some greeting cards that have different sayings, but all mean the same thing and leave one each day for him to wake up to. One day in the bathroom ... on the kitchen counter ... the dashboard of his vehicle ... maybe one on his pillow in the evening. Could this be the thing he gets from OW that he wishes he was getting more from you instead? It doesn't have to be big and elaborate like OW seems to do, but plenty of little every day things that may make him feel you do care when he sees it.
and to have S20 meet him in the woods early Saturday morning for hunting....just like that out of the blue. Storms around for awhile, plugs in his cell phone and then goes into the bedroom and wants to me to follow. Closes the door and says "you don't even want me here do you" "you don't say you want me here!" I do, but usually H ignores it or grunts about.