Thanks. Yes, it is my emotions that get the best of me at times. I am tired of limbo land. 2 yrs. is along time in my book.
I am ready to tell the kids. I can't go on lying to the kids about where their father really lives. I'm not sure how ready I am for the next official step but I will take things one day at a time.
I do wonder though, am I truly DB with an "I am happy with my present sitch attitude" or am I accepting less like an abused W would?
Quote: I do wonder though, am I truly DB with an "I am happy with my present sitch attitude" or am I accepting less like an abused W would?
I'm pretty sure most of us were not "happy" living in the current DB stich!! I know I wasn't and tho things are starting to work out....and I am relatively "happy"...I still have many uncertain moments while continuing this DB process, but I definately know what my end goal is and I am getting glimpes of it.
That's what I think you need to dig down deep and decide for yourself. Do you really want your H back in your life....the one you fell in love with? Does he still exist...is his basic core buried deep inside and he just needs to work through his issues? Those are some of the things I've had to ask myself this past year....and still do. No my H isn't perfect....neither am I. But now that we are both finally trying....and being careful/gentle...the R is beginning to rebuild. Still sooooooo much we'll have to cover.....sooooo much. But that's where that old "Patience" thing kicks in. It's hard, continual work. Is it worth it to you? Or....are you ready to take life a new direction....on your own....building up Nik and seeing what the future brings.
Mooka, thanks! Yes, all very good questions. Yes, I do think down the road H will realize the significance of family and get his priorities straight. However, how long is the road? 1 mile or 1,000, noone knows.
I am feeling very blue. I don't feel blue often, actually pretty rarely so I guess I am overdo. Here are my current stresses that are getting me down:
My father completed his 4th marathon in October and then died 1 month later of a sudden heart attack. This Oct. will be 2 yrs. ago.
I am training for a 1/2 marathon that I will do in Oct. and the sadness of my father passing this time of year is eating me.
I ran 10 miles this am and had a hard time. Lots of hills, very discouraging. My friends and I ran a full marathon in June so we have the mindset of "13 is nothing", however; with this 13 being very hilly it is actually much tougher than I anticipated.
I bought a heart rate monitor and used it for the first time during my run today. With my dad dying of a HA I am a bit paranoid now. Well, I can easily get my HR up to 180-190 when I am running/jogging up a hill. A flat area it's about 160. My recovery is very quick when I start walking which is good; however, the fact that most of my run my HR is at or above my max HR is not good and bothersome to me. I feel ok when it is that high but it does make me wonder why my HR raises so easily??? I am 34 yrs. old. My father died at the age of 62.
I'm annoyed that I am not skinny. I try to eat well most of the time. I could definately work harder on eating less and exercising more but I am sick of trying on clothes and being unhappy about how I look. Yes, I am actively working on this issue but at the moment I am sick and tired of it. I NEED to lose 30 lbs.
My sitch is topping on the cake. H is still in the house, we have planned to tell the kids tomorrow that Daddy is living in his apt., etc...
I am so torn b/n listening to peoples conflicting advice. 1) be patient and DB and act happy with the present sitch and 2) throw his a*s to the curb and move on. I am trying to listen to what God is telling me but it is not clear to me.
ok Nik,am throwing my two cents in here for you,you mentioned your doing exercise,eating well,etc,to lose weight,aswome,but ,is it enough???? to answer this,no,what many DO not realise is the word metabolism,yeah yeah getting out and running,bla bla,but,anyway,here is the scoop to losing weight,yes my experiences are with dogs,but so what,k,get yourself some herbal detox for the liver,as well as a colon cleanse,this will"up" your metabolism,as well as clean all that junk from your bod,take my word for it,I had a bitch(girl dog folks,using in the right context!) that was 25 lbs over weight at 3 yrs old,lost it all within two months from this regime!!!! As well as became active again!!! Now,for the heart,L-Carnitine,fish oils,ie salmon oil, hawthorn berry,garlic,etc will help a heart,red meats are good for dogs yes,but not so much people,BUT,it's loaded with carnitine which is an essential for the heart,so what do ya do,just take the supplements instead,just a quick note,red meat,imflamatory,white meat(chicken) not imflamatory,grains are imflamatories(ok my spelling stinks,lol),protein is good,carbos yes are needed,but within restraints(veggies are the best source),ya don't burn em,proteins will make ya fat!!!! but less so than carbos!!!!anyway,I just wanted ease your mind about the heart issues,what I told you are so good for the heart,my one dog could been dead yrs ago if it weren't for this regime,and it's yes,the same as people!!! Close to the edge,formally over the ocean!
C2tE, thanks for your insite. I will look into it.
MAJOR UPDATE:
Well, H told the kids tonight that he had another place to live and that they could stay there some nights also. They said "oh, ok." That was pretty much it. Uneventful like I had hoped. We asked them if they had any questions and they said no.
We will show them H's apt. tomorrow nt. and see if the kids want to stay over.
I feel fine. Relieved that that is over with but disappointed that after 2 yrs. this is what happens.
How can I have any respect for a man that does this to his family? I don't think I will have any problem detatching now.
The reality that H wants the kids but NOT me is a hard pill to swallow. I know I have a lot of great qualities but it is definately a blow to my self esteem knowing H does not WANT me.
I've not posted to you before, but I do lurk. We have some common friends back east, and I'll be heading there over Thanksigiving and am hoping to catch up with a few of you if you are interested.
That being said, I find myself relating so well with your sitch. Nearly 2 years ago (after a couple years of wondering when the proverbial shoe would eventually drop), Mr. Wonderful moved out.
Believe me, the memory is still fresh enough to bring me to tears when I'm not feeling very strong. But the mutual DB friends we have indicate you ARE tough. That's going to help you on this journey, hon.
Quote: The reality that H wants the kids but NOT me is a hard pill to swallow. I know I have a lot of great qualities but it is definately a blow to my self esteem knowing H does not WANT me.
I know you find this tough to believe, but one day you're going to have a light bulb moment about this thought. That light bulb moment will occur when you realize that your H doesn't even have the slightest idea of what he DOES want, so how on earth can he say with any conviction that he does NOT want you?
Then you're going to see that instead of rejecting you, he's running. You just seem like a good reason for him to run away? Maybe he's tired of the struggles and feels that there is no better answer?
What I would love to see for you is to accept you for who you are. Girlfriend, you have tried hard to turn this boat around all by yourself. If you are anything like me, you need a little respite. Please use those times that you get it to nurture yourself.
I know that there is a camp of people who believe that moving out sounds the death knell. But there are quite a few folks here who have been able to use the physical separation to really DB their butts off. Hopefully, your H will discover that the separation was not the answer he had hoped to see.
Mine has said he does see this. But for whatever reason, he's paralyzed--seemingly unable to take the steps he knows he needs to take to make himself feel better. I believe if he had chosen to do the work, I'd be in a position to see his weak attempts at hoping to reconcile as baby steps. But in my case, it's been 2 years since the bomb dropped and he has done absolutely NOTHING about anything. I can't imagine a life of more of the same?
Back to you. I, too, had some weight loss to consider for quite awhile. I was too overwhelmed to do anything about it in the beginning. It was enough for me to take care of 2 little girls by myself. When I was ready to get serious about it, I did. (Hey, I logged 40 lbs off the scale this year and I'm feeling good.)
I've had a few people ask me why I didn't do it the moment Mr. W. moved out? Like I needed more stress? I could barely function, let alone follow a weight loss regimen.
What I'm trying to say in a very long winded way is be gentle with yourself for awhile. You sound like a generous and big-hearted woman, and therefore, you deserve some kindness. Start that ball rolling by committing to doing things for you. It sounds as though you first need some time to take a deep breath and navigate where you want to go...
You know this DB road really well, Nik. Use it to help propel yourself to a better emotional place. With a little prayer and luck, your H will come to this conclusion as well.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
HUGS to you (((((((((((((((((NIK)))))))))))))))...
I think Betsey made some great points. It's hard not to feel rejected....that sears right into our gut when that emotion takes over. But she is right....
It IS all about HIM and maybe has been the whole entire 2 yrs. He is struggling....it is HIS issue to resolve and you are just the natural target.
Now is a great time to detach.....go grey....whatever. Continuing to be polite....but moving on with your own life. Make your own plans...don't give him many, if any, details of your personal plans. Have him take responsibility of the kids on a regular basis....and do what you want to do. Let him feel he is possibly LOSING you....that he is taking a huge risk.
My H still doesn't talk a lot about the last yr, but he has said on a few occaisions, that the sep is what he thinks actually saved our M. He said to our S that while we were sep, we communicated regularily, were positive and respectful with each other....and "we" realized that we had so much rich history together, so compatable, that we took our time to realize what it takes to really nuture our R...and slowly are putting the peices back together.
Those are my words, but the jist of how he expresses the sitch from his point of view. In other words....HE was stuck, IMHO....he saw me as the problem....then in time...realizing maybe it was HIM. He was darn lucky that I was still around to let him pursue. There were times when another man was looking pretty good to me.....I realized that there was more out there....I just knew that I wasn't quite ready to go there.
Didn't mean to hijack this post...just want you to continue to take good care of NIk....she is strong, loving, generous, faithful....lean toward the DBing advice....others really don't get it and are just telling you to let go and kick him out of yourlife, cuz they want your immediate pain to soften. Remember...as Michele states, they don't have to live with the results of a D the rest of their lives.
Just want you to do little things each day that make your smile, laugh or just give you moments of peace. Get quiet with your thoughts some each day too....God will guide you, perhaps through others, your children, words in a book, your own journaling, prayer....pay attention. It's hard work to stay connected to God....but well worth it.
Quote: How can I have any respect for a man that does this to his family?
I have NO IDEA.. How you continue to put up with it is beyond me.. There are some Ms that just cannot be rectified, no matter what you do. Follow your gut feel Nik, don't be afraid to end it out of some "obligation" that exists in your heart but no longer in his. Life indeed is TOO SHORT to settle...
Quote: I know I have alot of great qualities but it is definitely a blow to my self esteem.
Oh, I know how you feel, its a blow to ALL our self esteems when we more or less get 'dumped' by our S.. But as you say, you have a lot of great qualities, so if i were you, I'd ACT like there is a new Sherrif in town and start quietly DOING THE DUMPING..stop WANTING..START GETTING OUT THERE and then see whose self esteem suffers a blow when LOYAL 'OL NIK, is moving on, preferably to someone NEW that APPRECIATES HER...
Betsey, Mooka, and Wiley, THANK YOU for your posts.
Betsey, great job losing weight. Yes, it is tough to do that while dealing with alot of stress. Thanks for your kind words. Who are our common DB friends you speak of? When are you coming out east?
Mooka, Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. What an inspiration you are!!
Wiley, so do you have any friends?? He, He It is always much easier to get past an X when you have someone else waiting in the wings. Have you heard from Berto? He hasn't posted in awhile and I was wondering how he is doing.
I just had LASIK today. It was a "touch up." I had it 1st done in Jan. and needed my left eye done again as they had overcorrected the 1st time.
I had gotten an email today about needing to meet with the work sponsored group for my long runs on sat. am. We are all going to do a 1/2 marathon in Oct. I did not realize I had to come to all sat. runs and have missed 3x. I did run on my own and thought that was ok. The email rubbed me the wrong way. Here I honestly did not realize or must have forgotten that that was a requirement. It just really was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I am the slowest runner there and it is not very motivating when you run with 20 other people who are "real" runners. I am doing my best and then I get berrated for not doing all my long runs with them. I end up finishing the run all alone anyway so what's the point? Ya know? I will do the 1/2 in Oct. regardless.
I showed H the emails re: the run and he did not view it the same as I did. He thought she was being factual but I definately thought it was plain old Bit$#y.
It made me cry. I just can't get a break. H just doesn't get it. All this stress has really gotten me down and it doesn't help that I had the eye surgery today.
Betsey 
But as you say, you have a lot of great qualities, so if i were you, I'd ACT like there is a new Sherrif in town and start quietly DOING THE DUMPING..stop WANTING..START GETTING OUT THERE and then see whose self esteem suffers a blow when LOYAL 'OL NIK, is moving on, preferably to someone NEW that APPRECIATES HER...
It is always much easier to get past an X when you have someone else waiting in the wings. Have you heard from Berto? He hasn't posted in awhile and I was wondering how he is doing.