A big hug to all who stopped by. Sorry I wasn't here!
We've been having problems with our DSL at work and finally have some answers, which is to replace the faulty DSL modem--that should happen very soon, so I hope to be back up and running off of dial up this morning. I owe some e-mail replies to a few of you, which I will attempt to do in short order--as soon as my faster connection becomes available (dial up really sucks).
Well, it seems as though my life is taking on a new phase. As I mentioned last week, Mr. Wonderful and I agreed on an ending and a beginning for ourselves and we were both feeling pretty good about things.
Well, at least until he discovered that there is someone interested in me and that the feeling is mutual.
Now it seems as though he is not happy about this turn of events. He's acting moody and petulant and rather sullen. This from a guy who has wanted nothing to do with me for 2 years?
Our phone chats are still frequent and cooperative, though. He called me after dinner last night to discuss the latest golf tournament saga and then surprised me by making a snotty comment about my social life.
Bruce, the great white shark, was dying to come out and take a bite out of him. But true to form, I decided to keep silent and figure out how I would deal with this latest twist.
I decided to address the issue with him. D10 was with me when I got off the phone and inquired as to why I seemed disgusted. I told her I was going to call him back before we got started on her homework when she offered, "Mom, looks like Dad is a little jealous. Not that he has any reason to be complaining."
Uh huh.
He answered, and un-shark-like Betsey addressed the comment directly and kindly (as D10 will witness). I started by stating, "We've worked really hard to cease the sarcasm in between us, and I thought we had eliminated snide remarks from our conversation completely. It really hurts, and I would like for us to continue to work together without this dynamic present." Then I shut up.
He immediately apologized and told me that his comment was meant to be snide and was sorry for it and mentioned that it was completely inappropriate and out of line. I accepted it and decided to discuss a little further.
I let him know that I truly do not have any hard feelings about our path, but commented that surely he had considered the possibility of other men finding me interesting enough to want to date? He grunted in some form of quasi acknowledgment.
I told him that I was sorry if finding this out was something that caused him distress and that I don't like seeing him unhappy, but I wasn't apologizing for wanting to date.
He surprised me by saying in sort of a sullen tone, "Well, I'm NOT happy about any of this. Period." Then in his usual Mr. Wonderful conflict avoidance pattern, changed the subject back to D7. I decided I would let it pass.
I put the phone back in the cradle and D10 was sitting on the sofa with a grin on her face. She piped up, "Well, too bad for Dad. Even I figured this one out a long time ago."
The truth is definitely obvious: if he had really wanted ME, we would not be where we are. Now he just is having problems accepting the consequences for his choices. I liken it to something I witnessed in high school: he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to want me either.
A friend of mine called me yesterday afternoon and I had the chance to fill her in on the latest. She commented, "Betsey, one day that man will thank you for this. And then you will truly be friends."
Yep, I figure she's right.
So another day in the life here in my corner of the ocean. I'm busy trying to get ready for my grandmother's visit (who will be arriving from the real Bruce's part of the world) and figuring out how to stretch my finances to get to Christmas.
I know many of you are groaning at that thought, but I try to keep Christmas on a cash basis and get it done early so I don't have to spend the entire month of December in a constant adrenaline rush... which makes me feel like I've missed the whole point. I hate that.
On a good note? Today is payday, and I need to get hopping.
Hope everyone is feeling good and I'll check back later.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Funny - I was going to post to you last week that I figured your H would regain those feelings for you pretty quickly as soon as he saw you dating.
Of course, you are totally within your rights to move on - it has been forever, after all - but certainly you can see why he's not happy. He finally mentions reconciliation, you turn around and tell him you want a divorce, and now he finds out you are dating.
Please understand - i am in NO WAY saying you should take him back - you have been through enough to know and make up your own mind about whether he could ever meet your needs or repair this damage. I'd just like to point out to others reading that this is why it is a good idea to try giving the APPEARANCE of dating a try - before you are so burned out and involved with another person so that you don't want to go back. Almost all WAHs seem to have this response when they see (or think) their wives are dating - so why not give them the opportunity to come to this conclusion BEFORE it is too late for them???
(Again, Betsey, don't think I mean this for you - you've been extraordinarily patient with this man - and you deserve any happiness you can find with anyone you want Just make sure he's worthy of you )
Good point! I do hope that others can benefit from dropping the rope and eliminating expecting anything from their WAS. It really DOES work, and as I mentioned last week, he figured out exactly when I had made the decision to move on.
I would like to differentiate something in my own course, though. I really don't think Mr. Wonderful has regained his feelings for me. If he had, he would have been attempting to date me before I had really made the decision to move on. And he certainly wouldn't have told me a week ago that he vacillates between wanting to divorce and wanting to reconcile. Being the lesser of 2 evils is not my idea of fun... When he told me that he would choose me as a tribute to our many years together (read: living for the future in the past), I really knew that we were destined to be platonic friends.
Anyway, Ellie, rest assured any man who makes it past the initial barrier is worth his salt. I consider my D7 to be a great character test, and since we are a package deal, weeding out unsuitable candidates is made much simpler. Besides, any R I have going forward is going to be slow and focusing on the friendship and fun aspects of a healthy R. I really, really need friendship as a foundation--the rest will eventually take care of itself.
And quite frankly, it's time to start having fun again. Every drama has a comedy and a tragedy to it. The tragedy has played itself out as far as it can go, and I see comedy in my future.
I've learned so much about myself over the past 2 years, and those are the qualities I seek in a potential mate.
I try to put a caveat emptor in my posts to keep people aware that they may not feel comfortable making the choices I've made. It's really tough to let go of the rope. But in my case, I finally see that I'm just doggone happy that I've landed on 2 feet with my head, heart and soul intact and with infinite possibilities for a happy future.
Damn, is life good or what?
Just keep swimming!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: I really don't think Mr. Wonderful has regained his feelings for me. If he had, he would have been attempting to date me before I had really made the decision to move on. And he certainly wouldn't have told me a week ago that he vacillates between wanting to divorce and wanting to reconcile. Being the lesser of 2 evils is not my idea of fun... When he told me that he would choose me as a tribute to our many years together (read: living for the future in the past), I really knew that we were destined to be platonic friends.
You know, sometimes they don't realize how much they love us until they see they are about to lose us - in much the same way that many of us LBSs didn't fully appreciate our spouses until they were gone. And my H's explanation of it, he was scared to feel that love he had for me, because he was afraid to go back into our old lives where he had been so depressed, scared that I wouldn't be able to forgive him, scared of feeling the pain of rejection - once he opened those floodgates, he went from "I just don't think I can get those feelings back" to "I treasure and adore you" in about six weeks!
Quote: Well, at least until he discovered that there is someone interested in me and that the feeling is mutual.
There. I KNEW it. Of course I didn't say nothin'. Me bein' discreet and all.
Seriously, Betsey, I'm so happy for you. You deserve all the Good Things out there. A wonderful friendship. A new beginning. And that Someone who puts you first. Of course Mr W. is going to feel jealous at first. Of course noone else should have what once was his, even if he made no real effort to keep it. Even my dear H, who, as you remember, not only cheated on his exW, but divorced her and married me in rapid succession couldn’t resist a few sarcastic remarks about her new BF when they first started dating. It is only natural. They’re on excellent terms now, and new BF is wonderful with the kids.
And I think your friend is right that once Mr. W gets over he’ll be happy for you, and become a true friend.
Pen
PS: You’ll note my utter discretion and restraint with regards to Mr New Guy. Even though I’m bursting with curiousity. Admirable, aren't I???
Pen--As always, you have a flair for the obvious, as well as the dramatic and comedic sides in life. Is this admirable? Well, it's a good thing that I think so.
I'd hate for your head to explode and your stomach to implode with all that curiousity that's brimming under your surface from the sheer restraint. Are you sure you don't have a spycam on me or something?
I will say with certainty that the gentleman who has piqued my interest is a pretty swell guy and doesn't seem to be put off by my present circumstances--including a wisea$$ D10 or a really hyperactive D7. Or the fact that I have a sullen, estranged at-some-point-to-be-XH who hangs around my house too often for most people's comfort. Or the fact that D7 licks the cat because she thinks she is one. Sometimes I think he's a little weird. But hey, life is strange in that regard don't you think?
I'm enjoying working on being friends. I have missed having a man's company who can converse about things... books (including self help genre!), life, kids, weather, sports (good thing he likes hockey) and he seems to like hanging out with me. What a refreshing change from the steady diet of indifference and avoidance? What girl doesn't like a guy who is willing to express his enthusiasm for being present in whatever shape or form that holds?
Hey, nobody ever told me I was stupid, so I guess this girl is going to sit up and say she likes it! Don't expect any grand announcements here on that front, though. This is all I'm saying on the subject of Mr. Enthusiastic.
You'll have to send me an e-mail sometime and tell me how long it took for your H to move past the sarcasm. I appreciate you sharing that with me because it does make me feel better about things in general. I think D10 and I have a pretty good handle on him, though. We figure that once the golf tournament is behind us, he'll be less grouchy and easier to deal with.
If not? Well, I've got bigger fish to fry. Good thing I have a skillet big enough to handle all of it. Thank goodness I have had help trying to coordinate that fish fry!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey's got a BF! Betsey's got a BF! Betsey's got a BF!
Oh wait, am I allowed to celebrate like that on this BB? Oops!
And is he really a BF yet??? I guess I could have exclaimed, "Betsey's got a person of interest!", but that doesn't sound as fluent!!!
Now, you know, if Merrick finds out that it wasn't just him up in the tree kissing you , or helping you select the colors of the bedroom wall , or that you have taken back your marriage proposal , he might be inclined to come do some derrier stomping!!!
Seriously now, even though it seems you are in the very early stages, I'm with Pen here. I am so happy for you that you have found some happiness in your journey. I do feel somewhat sorry for Mr. W, as he is finally realizing what he is going to be missing in you. But then again, it seems he still isn't putting up much of a fight.
You know I wish you all the best in your continued journey. May your friendship grow strong, survive the tests of time, and for sure, bring you joy, peace and happiness from her on out, no matter how things progress!!
Hugs to ya girl!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Betsey, Betsey, Betsey... where to begin with all these insightful posts and spycam references?
How about the middle?
Quote: The truth is definitely obvious: if he had really wanted ME, we would not be where we are. Now he just is having problems accepting the consequences for his choices. I liken it to something I witnessed in high school: he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to want me either.
There sure seems to be the emotionally immaturity of teenagers with some of these WAs, including the one I happen to know intimately. And there is definitely the fact that consequences of their choices are pretty uncomfortable-- what mine told me was even more uncomfortable is the fact that other people can see these consequences... as D10 managed to prove quite naturally.
So... then some of it, I think, is more about them not knowing what they really wanted for so long. And having to face that fallout now. Because there you are looking good, having fun and living life and wait, he didn't want to be part of that for so long because... um, why was that again?
Uh, did he really think no one was going to come calling? Or that given half a chance some new man wouldn't think you are a fascinating, caring, interesting woman who's fun to hang out with?
As a male friend put it to me last year... "What's he pouting about? Doesn't he get that someone else is going to snap you up like premium real estate? Well, yes. He does. And at that point, he gets that the choice will no longer be his and he can't have you back."
In Mr. W's case, I have to agree that he doesn't seem to be putting up any dramatic fights here. Maybe that's not who he is. Maybe he doesn't know how. Maybe that's not what he wants to do. How are you supposed to read his mind... oh wait, that's right... you're not.
It's YOUR mind that you need to read, and you seem to be doing just fine on that note, IMHO. When he gets through his stuff, well, I suspect you'll be right back on the friends road because of the way you are handling things.
Quote: What a refreshing change from the steady diet of indifference and avoidance? What girl doesn't like a guy who is willing to express his enthusiasm for being present in whatever shape or form that holds?
Well... yeah! Attention and integrity are a potent combination. Your gentleman friend sure sounds like a good guy.
Ellie's right on about the appearance of dating/moving ahead. For some WAs, it does seem to turn their head around. That kind of stuff benefits us as LBSs even more because it sure does give OUR outlook a big shift.
At some point, though, I'd add that the WAs really do need to step up to the plate too... and sometimes that means they need to work harder than just saying they want to reconcile or even moving back home. This idea that they can expect their S to just go along with this "be there whenever and I will make a middling effort now and then" plan is just plain crazy, IMHO. Patience is one thing...
Cmon now, Pen and TJ or Merrick didn't know about Mr. E? I find that hard to believe. Well anyway, CONGRATS!!! You deserve all the happiness you're gonna get from here on out.
One thing I wanted to add is that you have pointed out previously that you and Mr. W will remain friends after a D anyway. I think you noted that w/D7, the two of you will always be involved and being friends w/Mr. W is only going to help that. Girlfriend, you know what path you're taking and you are well on your way. I bet you've got it mapped out pretty well but need to stay the course to make sure things pan out. I mean anyone that is talking about Christmas presents already has got to be a GREAT planner!! LOL
We'll just sit back and wait as the pages unfold themselves. Go Betsey!!! I'm very happy for you and can't tell you enough how much you deserve this friendship or whatever it is going to be! Tootles................
This from a guy who has wanted nothing to do with me for 2 years?
Betsey 
, or that you have taken back your marriage proposal 
, he might be inclined to come do some derrier stomping!!!