I can't help but feel sad when reading your last post. It seems you have poured so much into this and still not been able to change the outcome? Maybe it's for the best? I feel too like my W is going thru the same emotions as your H. She had a not so good R with her Mom, we married young, kids, work, stress and now it seems like they just can't be happy with who they are?
You are a great person Betsey and God knows you have tried to fight the good fight and based on the advice you once gave me I hope that at least you guys can and will be good friends for the girls sake.
That's how I am looking at it, can't make someone love us, even someone who once did? I wish you peace and comfort Bets, you deserve to be happy and we both deserve someone who can show us the kind of love we need in return.
Take care and " live in the now" girl, you know full well something will change anyhow.
Quote: He then volunteered some information. He finally realized that how he was raised had everything to do with his inability to share emotion with me, and said he really wanted to spend some time figuring out how his conflict avoidance came about. He mentioned his R with his mother...
I told him I'm reading a book for women (Women Who Love Too Much) that is actually something that he might benefit from reading because it discusses this issue. He seemed interested...
Now that you have reached the agreement you have reached, you have the opportunity to offer a suggestion with clear heart and without worry that the offer is misinterpreted or confused with your need to "fix" him for your M.
I do see the tremendous gift that you have offered each other in this decision. It is sad. But pushing forward and pushing and pulling on each other has greater potential for tremendous sadness. That he FELT that you had let go, speaks volumes.
For all our ACT AS IF, etc. These people who have lived with us, loved us and, have moved away... if they still care about us at all, and most do, are tuned into the pain that we feel. Their guilt must be huge.
Your h has truly just gotten his first free breath ..and wouldn't you know that he is spending it moving towards that which you had hoped for all along? He is actually considering taking himself on in therapy.
Stay close by, Betsey. You may not want to hear this. And it may be the wrong thing to say. But I do NOT think the story is over. I DO hope that you are able to move on for yourself and begin to plan the life you and the girls can have together. And I DO think that it will be wonderful when you meet someone who can return the tremendous love, vitality, wisdom and joy that you have to share.
I might be completely thick-skulled...but... I think this story is...
I also felt sad but happy for you after reading your last post. Happy that you and H have reached a point where you can work together in a good way for yourselves and D's.
I'm glad that you have reached this more peaceful place. You deserve it after all of your efforts.
Nice to log in and find so many people sad! I have such a way with words, and making people sad is such a gift, you know...
Unfinished business is what we will always be because of our roles as parents, particularly to a developmentally disabled girl. I appreciate your words, Maya, more than you will ever know.
But I'm just not going to consider holding on to that chapter of my life just because we have a past life together. He was good enough to tell me (which I forgot to mention here) that the reason he's been so hesitant to tell me he definitely WANTS to D is because of the quantity and quality of years we've been together.
And he's now at a point in his journey where he can look back and see that most of our years together were happy. I'm glad that the temporary insanity and resulting rewriting of marital history has been replaced with better memories.
Funny, something else I forgot to mention last night. When we were discussing D10 and her jealousy when being around his friends (Gary and Pam), I mentioned that D10 thought Pam had an interest in him. Instead of saying, "WTF? I'm not interested in her!" he said, "What? Really? Does she really think that? I don't think Pam would be interested in me as a package with kids and D7's disability."
I said, "You know, D10 is pretty intuitive." He quipped, "Yes, she is. This is interesting. I think Pam might have a boyfriend."
Note: He pursued me when I was in a R as well!
I grinned, knowing he could hear me smile and said, "Since when did that stop you?"
He laughed and retorted, "What a low blow! I stole you fair and square! But point taken."
Interesting...
Jerry, I think you hit the nail on the head: they need to feel comfortable in their own skin. And I'm giving him all the latitude and permission to do this in his own time.
In the meantime, I'm doing things for me! I plan on returning to a life of travel that I once used to love and cherish. The blood that runs through my veins is the same blood my father's somewhat gypsy family has--we love seeing new places and faces, and we enjoy hopping on a plane to do just that. I foresee an empty checkbook but a lot of smiles and memories.
D10 is a great traveler too, so I might have to take her on a few of my junkets, as long as she is not in school. She is very used to hopping planes and living out of a suitcase...
Yes, Jerry, we do deserve to love and be loved in equal measure in return. I plan on opening my heart to new possibilities and will attempt not to apply the logic I used to have when dating. However, the clean fingernails rule will continue to be a boundary...
I heard my name being called in Seattle Hopeful's thread, so I'm on my way.
Be well you guys!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My long overdue post- here it is. And since my mission in life is to disagree with as many people as possible, I have to disagree with the �happy, but sad� majority vote on this thread. I�m not sad. How could I, when you ROCK so utterly and completely? Nor, for the record, did I ever see you as �confused�. I saw you as a painting in progress�. A masterpiece of art, no less. The final picture wasn�t clear yet, but with each day, the contures emerged more and more. And no one, looking at the finished work, will doubt it is anything less than a masterpiece.
You�ve worked so hard, Betsey, to become the woman you are today. You�ve build a rock-hard foundation of friendship out of a quagmire of anger, pain, and lingering resentment � I would have thought it impossible, but you did it. And let�s face it, it was you who did all the hard stuff and logged those extra miles. You two will be wonderful co-parents to your daughters, and that friendship will carry you through the difficult and the happy times ahead.
Regarding D10 � it ain�t easy being a �tween.� And remember, too, that children almost always show more anger towards the parent whom they trust most, because the relationship is considered �safe� even for negative emotions. I think it is good that Mr W. is now willing to talk about these issues with her � it'll make it easier for her to trust him with the anger, disappointments, etc that she surely feels from time to time. In other words, place it where it is due.
You deserve all the good things that are surely waiting for you 'round that bend in the road. And of course, we want to hear all about it!
Pen
And, of course � a poem. Again, not really fitted for your situation, but I like it.
Wait
Wait, for now.
Distrust everything, if you have to.
But trust the hours. Haven't they
carried you everywhere, up to now?
Personal events will become interesting again.
Hair will become interesting.
Pain will become interesting.
Buds that open out of season will become lovely again.
Second-hand gloves will become lovely again,
their memories are what give them
the need for other hands. And the desolation
of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness
carved out of such tiny beings as we are
asks to be filled; the need
for the new love is faithfulness to the old.
Wait.
Don't go too early.
You're tired. But everyone's tired.
But no one is tired enough.
Only wait a while and listen.
Music of hair,
Music of pain,
music of looms weaving all our loves again.
Be there to hear it, it will be the only time,
most of all to hear,
the flute of your whole existence,
rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.
Quote: In the meantime, I'm doing things for me! I plan on returning to a life of travel that I once used to love and cherish. The blood that runs through my veins is the same blood my father's somewhat gypsy family has--we love seeing new places and faces, and we enjoy hopping on a plane to do just that. I foresee an empty checkbook but a lot of smiles and memories.
Pen--It's good to have you back in the ocean with us!!! As always, I appreciate the eloquence of your words. The poem was awesome, and I thank you for continuing to share your wisdom here.
Maya, I can promise you I WILL be back to the Bay Area sometime in the near future. When you described your fuschia, it made me long to live there again. It was the only place I lived that I could grow anything beautiful and not kill it--and the fuschias just took my breath away. I might have to give one a shot again next summer for good measure!
I wish everyone a day filled with happiness!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hey Bets, You are such an inspiration. I feel I am finally moving to the place you are in. I think I am finally letting go. I still have hope in the back of my mind, but not as much anymore. I'm not clinging to that hope like I was before. I'm not completely at peace, but the ride is getting a little easier.
Thank you for all the advice and help you have given me. Good luck on all your endeavers. I'm happy that you have found peace during all this. you deserve the Gold medal.
I have such a way with words, and making people sad is such a gift, you know... 
The final picture wasn�t clear yet, but with each day, the contures emerged more and more. And no one, looking at the finished work, will doubt it is anything less than a masterpiece.
