Hi everyone. It's been so long since I've posted, or even been on this board. Those of you who remember me know that my husband had an emotional affair while deployed to Guantanamo Bay a couple of years ago, came home, dropped the bomb wanting a divoce, etc. We worked things out and by Mar. of '03 we were doing quite well.
We moved from Hawaii to Ohio in Feb. of this year. We just got back from Disney World, and found out H has orders for Iraq. He leaves on Aug.26 and will be in Baghdad for a least 5 months. I'm freaking out about his safety, worried about how the kids will take it (they are now almost 3 and almost 5).
Also, old insecurities are popping up. Will he cheat? Will he meet someone and spend time with her. A lot of people think that in a war situation there isn't any time for cheating, but there is. Lots of people I know have been cheated on while their hubbys were in Iraq.
There are women throwing themselves at men over there, and I'm sure there are men who are welcoming them with open arms. I've spoken with H about how I've been feeling and he says he won't cheat, doesn't want to, loves me, is happy, etc.
I guess I'm here to see if anyone has any tips about how to keep myself calm and trust in him for the next 5 months, or however long it takes him to come home.
Also, I know that the trust I lost for him during our troubled time isn't all the way back. It's taken two years to get me to trust him as much as I do. It's so hard to get COMPLETE trust back. The kind of trust where I can say "I know he will be faithful" I don't have that anymore. I wish I did. I am to the point where I "think" he would be faithful, as long as someone wasn't throwing herself at him. I don't think he'd attach himself to another woman for emotional support like he did before because we have a very strong marriage now, whereas before we were on shaky ground b/4 his EA.
I hope this all makes sense. Thanks for letting me share this.
I don't know you, but I have heard your name spoken on the BB as one of the 'wise ones'!
I hear your concern and am glad you decided to share with us.
I'm sure others will pop in with their take.
But, my .02 is he cheated once, saw the consequences, saw it wasn't worth it, and truly values you now. Perhaps it is time to take him at his word...and if nothing else, 'act as if' you completely trust him.
That way when he is over in Iraq, thinking of you and missing you, his memories will be happy knowing that you trust him.
Hi, thanks for replying! Since our "troubles" a couple of years ago, I've dealt pretty well w/him being gone so much.
As soon as we got to Ohio, he was going away at least 2 1/2 weeks each month, and now this. During the short trips, I never had any doubts about his fidelity, which I used to b/4 he dropped the bomb 2 years ago, so I guess I've come a long way since then.
Also, I am still living my "own" life. Meaning, I have friends, I do things on my own, as well as with him and our kids. I have my own interests, etc. I didn't have any of that b/4 the bomb, and I think that it has helped our marriage a great deal (since I "got a life" lol).
We have been talking about his going away, because we have to think realistically. This is a war situation, a very dangerous area and people are dying over there. We've been talking a bit about "will he come home", and also "I know he'll come home". I am praying everyday that while he is over there, he will be safe. We've also spoken about the cheating. Even though he has never slept with another woman, he still had an EA, which to me, is worse. He knows that if he cheats, or has another EA, he will come home to nothing. I will take the kids and go. I am NOT going through that crap again! I worked hard, along with him, to make this marriage stronger than it ever was, and if he can throw it all away, screw him. So, perhaps just knowing that this time, I won't be forgiving him, maybe that will keep him faithful, who knows. He swears he has no desire to cheat, is happier that he's ever been, etc. But, like I said, 5 months (or longer) is a heck of a long time. Men get urges that the women over there seem to be willing to satisfy.
I have been saying things to him like "how do i know you won't cheat", "are you going to be faithful" etc. I think now (thanks for the advice!) I will act as if. I will say thinks like (if it's brought up again, which it probably will be, lol) "I trust you, and know you will make, the right decisions".
Quote: The kind of trust where I can say "I know he will be faithful" I don't have that anymore. I wish I did.
I hear you here - but you know what? Back when we DID have that faith - we were living in a fantasy world. It's kind of like believing "I know he wouldn't get run over by a truck". Wishing and believing doesn't make the risks any less real.
Still - I do think that your reassurance-seeking could backfire on you, and that Acting As If is a much better approach. Also, maybe make some really concrete plans about how you will stay in touch while he's gone. Will he have internet access or be gone in the field?
Also - and I know this is hard - try to keep a little unconditional love perspective. He is, after all, going to a hellish place to risk his life. Think about everything you say to him and every impression you leave with him as if it might be your last. Would you want to remember picking at him about whether he would cheat again, or would you want to remember spending every moment of quality time you had making him feel loved?
