A special belated shout-out to Trish, Betsy and JinB - thanks for visiting my thread! It's nice to have you here. Jen, I feel like I know you a bit through H2H, who gave me some good advice recently (thanks, H2H) and Trish, thanks for seeing the positives. JenHoco, Ron, and Wonder, and Totally, you are the best friends a girl can have. Wonder and TS, you are so right about the Universe working in my favor when the D papers arrived. Here I have been dreading receiving them for months, and then they are in the mailbox when my best gal of 23 years is here and my other best friend, who just had a lovely wedding after a terrible split a few years ago, comes to visit the next day.
It is so odd, H and I have been having some illuminating talks recently. It seems to have been precipitated by H2H pointing out to me that it would be worth a try to work on removing the banner of sadness, guilt-mongering and anger from my forehead in dealing with H (or ex-H, I should say). Then I offered an apology to H for my part in all our troubles. I had done this before, but somehow he seemed to hear it in a different way, and it set us off on a round of more honest talks. He even called me tonight to tell me his email wasn't working, but that he didn't want me to think that he didn't want to continue the conversation. He put forth the idea that so much more of our problems were due to him, and that he had "tried and convicted" me without ever giving me a chance to address our issues or try anything different. I don't know where this leaves us, but it is good to be talking more honestly about what went wrong. It also makes me feel less crazy for not seeing where things were headed when our marriage was falling apart, when I thought everything was fine. That is a huge load off my mind. I had always considered myself a fairly perceptive person, and when I just could not wrap my mind around what my part in things was, it was a sledgehammer to my self-esteem.
I feel like we've been trapped in frozen ice floes in our conversations, and now there is beginning to be some movement...We'll see how the friendship goes...
Hi Azure, you do seem to be getting more peace with this latest round of talks, and that is great. I'm so glad he is opening up in a way that is helpful. Sorry I missed your call yesterday, by the way....I have the kids this weekend (good thing, since I have missed them) but will be around.....
Quote: He put forth the idea that so much more of our problems were due to him, and that he had "tried and convicted" me without ever giving me a chance to address our issues or try anything different. I don't know where this leaves us, but it is good to be talking more honestly about what went wrong. It also makes me feel less crazy for not seeing where things were headed when our marriage was falling apart, when I thought everything was fine. That is a huge load off my mind. I had always considered myself a fairly perceptive person, and when I just could not wrap my mind around what my part in things was, it was a sledgehammer to my self-esteem.
Hi Azure,
Yes, that bit is always the killer, isn't it?
In my case things were slightly different, in that I knew things were tense, but I spent ages trying to reach out to H, get him to come away for a break as just us three (H, self and D) as a family, which we hadn't done in ages, trying to discuss how to deal with difficult issues etc.
All I got in return was silence or refusal on his part. Bewildering. And then, out of the blue - in fact AFTER a speech in which he assures me he would would be crazy to ever jeopardise our marriage and family by getting involved with someone else, he drops the bomb - Bang!
Well Azure, I think I too will have to work on removing the "banner of sadness, guilt-mongering and anger from my forehead in dealing with H" and see where that gets me!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hmmm. Interesting stuff here in your latest conversations. And lots of healing stuff for you, especially this:
Quote: He put forth the idea that so much more of our problems were due to him, and that he had "tried and convicted" me without ever giving me a chance to address our issues or try anything different. ... I had always considered myself a fairly perceptive person, and when I just could not wrap my mind around what my part in things was, it was a sledgehammer to my self-esteem.
Quote: In fact AFTER a speech in which he assures me he would would be crazy to ever jeopardise our marriage and family by getting involved with someone else, he drops the bomb - Bang!
Wow. Could have written that myself! Amazing the patterns of behavior that are here.
Maybe the idea that it really IS about them on a deeper level hits home more easily when we hear them say so themselves with honesty and vulnerability? That, it seems to me, is someone who has stopped running. Maybe just jogging now? Or running in place?
Seriously though, it sounds to me like you're having the kinds of honest conversations that are necessary to make a real friendship possible if that is what you both decide you want... and who knows what else you might decide you want.
I wonder how much of this forthcoming information and retrospect on his part is related to your point that you weren't ready to do the friend thing right now... some space and then a more centered approach to your conversations. Just a thought.
Keep doing what you know is right for you and you will be fine!
Azure, I feel as though I know you a bit, too! In fact, many of us who cross-post on each other's threads are like old friends to me. It amazes me, this community.
Quote: He put forth the idea that so much more of our problems were due to him, and that he had "tried and convicted" me without ever giving me a chance to address our issues or try anything different. I don't know where this leaves us, but it is good to be talking more honestly about what went wrong.
Well, I think it shows that your H has his soul intact after the abduction after all. This could be very productive. Can you put your finger on what, exactly, you have been doing to remove that banner, and what in your behavior, specifically, has triggered your H to be more open to these sorts of talks?
Hey there "commited to friendship" buddy! How are things going? Last we heard the communication gates had been opening to some real & open discussions . . . any progress? Hugs, -H2H
PS - thanks for reminding me of commitment through at least the end of the year!
Azure, I hope you are communicating with H right now. Now that the papers are out, maybe he will feel that you are both at a new level, and it is okay to open up and talk about things. It's time to communicate. Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
Azure, How are things going for you? It is so hard to know how to reply to your situation. I do think that the papers having been concluded, etc. have created new difficulties. Somehow, your h feels the pressure has lifted and is now coming forward to fill in the blanks.
He is actually drawing closer. At the same time, I think it is so important for you to move on and direct your attentions towards your future. I can feel that you are being pulled in two directions and I just wonder how you are seeing them. Are they opposite directions? Are they movements bringing you two together? Have you been simply gratified to finally have him confirming your sense of things?
None of the scenarios that these questions would relate to, would be easy for youto negotiate. But I do wonder how you are feeling these days and what you are using to connect the dots between what he never said before, is saying now and .....
One thing is for certain. You deserve to be first and foremost in some wonderful man's thoughts and fantasies. Even MORE importantly, you deserve to come first in your OWN life.
