I am really sorry for all that you are dealing with right now. I know you are strong and taking things one moment at a time. That's what you can do.
As Julia Cameron writes in her little book: "Optimism in the face of uncertainty is a difficult art... I must act in alignment with my coming good."
I wholeheartedly agree with Ron here:
Quote: What I am trying to say here is that sometimes he have to stick up for ourselves. Sometimes we have to take big chances.
I can really empathize with how you're feeling about that risk and I don't want to minimize those feelings for a second. But continuing to step out into the faith you have in yourself is a great thing to do. It's filled with strength, girl!
Just sent you a little note. Please do give me a shout if you need an ear, or anything else!
Yuck. Not the response we would have wanted. Maya's right, moving toward self is always the right direction, and it looks like that's what you need right now.
Quote: I know you mean well, but I just don't think I can be friends with you right now. I hope you understand.
I wonder if this didn't provoke your H in a way. It was sort of an ultimatum in disguise, and I'm guessing that what you wanted/expected as a response didn't happen. I wonder what OTHER response he could have given you. It doesn't really look like there was any other choice.
The good news is, you can hang there with yourself for a while, and then you can see where he is later, if you feel like it. You didn't close the door, you just put a Temporarily Out of Service sign there for a while. So when you feel the time is right for YOU, you have every right to take the sign away and reach out to him.
Azure, I agree with Jennifer. It is just a temporary out of service sigh up. You can reestablish the R anytime you want to. Besides, it is a ladies peragotive to change her mind. So! There! We are all set. I still recommend giving him a little time. You are not the only one replaying this whole sitch in your mind.
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
My D papers arrived in the mail yesterday (well, Saturday, but I was out of town). Luckily my best friend is visiting from Boston, as it was a very emotional moment.
...
Backtracking to last week:
I had a long talk with H2H last week, which convinced me to work on the friendship a while longer, as he's been seemingly more open and forthcoming lately, and I don't want to "punish" him when he's in that space (although part of me really feels like it!!! anger, hurt). So anyway, I sort of took back my "sign on the door" a couple of days before the D papers happened to arrive, and sent this on Thursday night:
Hi H,
Thanks for being understanding and respectful of my sudden outburst. Truthfully, I just have a lot going on right now and was feeling a bit drained and in need of some downtime for myself. It wasn't anything you did. I do want you to know that I appreciate that our talks are more open and honest these days. And I appreciated your support on the troubling [post Dad family issue]. I had a really good day, just got back from a GREAT two-day conference with [xxxxx] people from all over the country. Boy, I want to work for the [xxxxx]! Those people are so friendly and outgoing, with such interesting stories to tell, not at all like all the science geeks. I hope the ankle healing is going ok and you got some good lesson on crutch mastery from [friend on crutches]. Azure
, and he responded pretty quickly and eagerly with:
Hi Azure,
It's nice to hear from you again. Though I want to honor your wishes at times, it's not easy to consent to saying okay to not being friends. Anyway, welcome back to the friendship!
I'm healing slowly but surely ... so much so that I'm having to force myself to use the crutches more. I got a temporary disabled parking pass from the DMV yesterday, so at least I don't have to take the bus for a while.
Though you didn't necessarily hang with a lot of sports fiends back in Boston, you must know how big the recent triumph by teh Red Sox over the hated Yankees was. The town must have gone nuts. Hell, I was even rooting for the Sox in the final game.
Glad to hear the [xxxxx conference] thing was fun. What was that about?
I actually go to [wildnerness place] next week for an overnighter to do a [work event]. they even got six inches of snow yesterday, which I imagine looks beautiful.
--H
********************** Then when I got home from my GF's wedding yesterday (Sunday) with my friend from back home, I found the D papers in the mailbox. I cried a lot with my friend. I felt pretty crappy. I won't even go into it, I know you all can imagine very clearly. *******************
And Today:
But this morning I thought I had it in me to DB for a bit longer. I thought, "How should I respond to his eager & friendly email when now I've just recieved our D papers, and we are D as of October 20?" I didn't know whether he had received them or not.
So I thought, maybe just respond as light as I can be, and sent this, this morning:
Hey there, ex-spouse,
Weird, there should be a more positive ritual for that than a rain-soaked piece of mail and a bill to [the mediator]. Oh well. Maybe we can make something nice of it sometime.
Yes, even I am VERY psyched about the Red Sox and have been watching the games.
[Dear GF's] wedding this weekend, nice and good stories too. More later. Azure
And he wrote back
Hi Azure,
So the divorce notice came, huh? I didn't get mine yet. When the time seems right perhaps we could memorialize evrything with a drink or dinner. When you're ready of course ...
It must have been strange for going to both [friend's] and [friend]'s weddings recently. I haven't been to any weddings since ours but wonder how I would feel.
I want to again apologize for all that I've put you through, Azure. On the one hand I feel relieved for a sense of closure, but on the other I'm sad over what happened with us. In the end I hope you valued our time together. I'm profoundly sorry for turning your life on end and will always have a tremendous amount of love and respect for you.
I am sorry to hear about the papers in the mail but also how fortuitious that they arrived (since we knew they would) while you had your dear friend right there in person to lean on. That universe loves you, girl!
I agree with H2H that H does really seem to want this friendship with you (and unlike certain folks we know) is actually making some real and honest efforts in said direction lately.
So if YOU want that too... if YOU are comfortable with staying on that road for a bit longer as you say, well, girl, nobody does it better. You're the star.
Just keep what is healthy and positive for you in the forefront of your mind as you have been doing (or I will swipe Sun's nerf 2x4 again).
Big hug to you today!
wonder
p.s. I have relocated to Hopefulness. Figure I will try to post now and again.
Wonder took the words right out of my mouth. The universe does indeed love you and even painful events (the arrival of the papers) happens at the right time (when you had a friend around to help you handle the pain).
I wish that I could still be in town to be with you in this really rough patch. But know that I am thinking about you from afar even if I'm posting less frequently.
H sounds like he really wants the friendship so it's up to you - and you should do what is best for YOU. If you need time then that is what you should take, but if you feel up to it then the friendship is there.
A big cyber hug on the way (((((((((AZURE))))))) Totally
Azure, I can't believe this is happening. You and Rae Jean actually are D already. NSN's H seems to be pushing ahead to that end. Bummer, big time bummer! I'm sorry, Azure.
I do need to tell my W sometime about my A this summer, but I think my M may just work out. Not totally sure, but it is looking that way. It must have really woke her up when I asked her for the D. She is a changed person.
Good luck with the job you are looking at. Hope things work out for you. HUG!
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
I don't think I can say anything that will make you feel any better, except maybe to let you know there are more people out here who care about you and want to help you through this time...... I lurk more these days than post, but I can see many positives in your situation. H is giving you lots of positives and clues to his feelings...seems like he is at least trying to maintain what he thinks is a positive relationship....he is obviously feeling things and trying to share in some fashion....even if not what you want at this moment.
here'sa big ole cyber hug(((((((((((((((Azure)))))))))))
