Azure, I haven't talked to you in a while so I thought I would say hello. I love my XW dearly and would love to be friends with her again, but with all that I don't think I can be just friends. There is too much emotion there. Sometime I think that may be why she won't talk to me, but who knows. I'm not sure if she can't face me because of guilt or if she really wants me out of her life. I have been completely dark for 6 weeks and 3 days.
It sounds like you have the same questions and I'm not sure if we will ever get our answers. Good luck with H and hopefully he is having a change of heart.
Quote: The more interesting question is do WE want to be their friends and WHY? ? ? Can we be friends without hurting, expecting, or losing part of ourselves?
This is the question that torments me, H2H. Sigh. Part of the answer is in whether they really prove to be a friend. And I suppose another part is how we feel towards them when we're feeling our most strong self. But...argh...still struggling with this one.
Speaking of exes being friends, I had a nice time seeing both my ex-LTRs in Boston...
Azure, You had a great two weeks vacation. I am happy for you. You sound refreshed. That is a good thing for you. You were so down and depressed before. Great!!! It would be a good time to review your goals and be sure they are what you want, now that you have a fresh clear mind.
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
I just have got to post my 2 cents that I had the most wonderful time with our Divine Ms. A, who is even more fabulous in person than in cyberspace! (thanks for the kind words too).
What an amazing woman! Sweet, kind, insightful, stunning, fun to be with... Made me want to go out to the west coast and kick someone's a##... and I don't mean hers... But he's probably kicking his own these days.
Plus, our Azure has excellent taste in shirts, LOL.
I won't wade into the friendship topic...because H2H said the only thing I've been able to come up with... that thinking about whether we want that... and why... is a reasonable place to be. I've found that I've got some pretty great friends and I'm not really in the market for those who would choose not to act like friends to me. We only have so much of ourselves to give, folks.
Hi, Azure! I'm glad to hear you had a great vacation. You do sound refreshed. I agree - maybe there should be a "Growing" section on the BB. Keep us posted.
NSN My current thread LUVR ... Listen, Understand, Validate, and Respond
Hi friends, Haven't written an update in a while. I think I’ve basically given up on the DBing, except in the sense that I will keep using the principles to try to maintain a friendship--if I want one. My week was an emotional struggle, but I feel on an upswing again. No emails with STBXH since last Saturday's, which I will discuss anon.
This week, a big gray cloud seemed to descend over everything. Not really depression, just extremely BLAH. I felt bored and impatient with my life and inwardly irritable, also distressed and frustrated about some things going on in my and other loved ones lives. I think all of this settled in due to facing the reality that H is really gone. Ugh, what a hard concept to assimilate. And then I was casting a critical eye on my life and saying, "What's in it now?" Of course, there's a lot in it now, but when you compare your dreams (my R with H) to the reality, reality can lose its luster.
I still feel deeply hurt by what happened with H. It's harder to let go of than my other two LTR's, because this was someone I MARRIED. That may not make much difference to him (seeing as he seems to want to pretend we never GOT married), but it makes a huge difference to me. I still, a year later, have a sense of cutting, one at a time, the individual fibers that made up the rope that bound us together, and weeping over each one.
Luckily, regarding the gray cloud, I remembered something. I remembered this phase from when I was recovering from my first big breakup, my 12-year LTR ten years ago (the one who I am good friends with now). And I remembered reading a book back then that talked about how this blah, flat stage is kind of actually a good thing. It's finally saying goodbye to the old life, and preparing to allow in things for the new life. It’s the end of the drama of day-by-day emotional struggle to recover. At that time, I had to take it on faith, but it turned out to be true. During that dull, irritable, frustrated, sad stage, it turned out there was movement after all. The storm before the calm, as it were. When I remembered that this week, that this is actually a sign of progress, I started to turn around.
Still, I feel ready to face the reality (though I still don't claim to understand it.) I have had, though, some more insights recently into both his part and mine. Maybe I will journal about those at a later date. It still doesn't nearly answer all the questions, though. How he was able to keep so much secret from me, to appear to be emotionally intimate and committed and happy, and have so much distance and frustration and deception inside him. Maybe I have to be prepared to let much of this mystery stand (hard for an analyzer like me )
Anyway, the upshot of all this is I do feel renewed faith and optimism.
OK, moving on. The latest with H:
I think I said that we were traded some emails during my trip to New England. Last Saturday, I wrote him about the dog, who continues to decline and I thought he should know in case he wanted to spend time with her. I am getting her a doggie wheelchair which should be here early next week, and I hope that will make a big difference, for a while anyway! However, the vet had also told me that I will need to be prepared to have to euthanize her at some point when she can no longer get around. Anyway, was feeling really sad about that and wrote him last Saturday:
Quote: It is hard with S [the dog]. Don't know how long she'll be among us. I just have to watch her to gauge how long she has the love of life over physical suffering. She poops in the bed every so often (luckily firm and easy to pick up).I am going to order the wheels today, I got shut out on my bid for some on EBay. Hope that helps some, maybe it will help a lot. Keep you fingers crossed for the nugget.
He wrote back later that day:
Quote: I'm really saddened to hear about the poor girl. When the time does come to euthanize her, please let me know you would like me there or if you would even prefer for me to take her in. Whatever you choose, don't worry, my feelings won't be hurt. It's a very difficult thing to face and I want to let you know that I will help in whichever way you would like me to.
At the very least, maybe I could set up a time sometime soon to see her, and you, of course, if that was okay.
OK, maybe it’s just me, but this was kind of a strange email to me. It honestly never crossed my mind that he would offer to come with me "when the time comes." So I was startled by his response. At first it kind of made me surprised and happy, by what a thoughtful offer it was. But it also seemed strange - why offer to spend such an "intimate" moment with me? It brought up memories of him flying across the country to attend my dad's memorial service (and our ML in his hotel, which he later said was a "one-time thing) while meanwhile starting up his latest (?) relationship and not telling me about that, which led to us having that big confrontation.
What I'm trying to say is that the last time he spend such an emotionally intimate time with me, it led to us hard words later, and he knows that I got upset because I thought that all the emotional closeness led me to thinking we might be getting back together again. So why offer again now, knowing it led to past complications?
Just curious...I've been pondering that this past week. Possibilities:
1. He still wants to be that "special friend" who volunteers something above and beyond the call of duty. Whether he does this because he is so wedded to his image of himself as a "good guy" or because he really cares, well that once again is the question.
2. It was kind of a slip, he doesn't really want to do something like that, but wants credit for volunteering.
I know, I know, trying to figure out his motivations is mental masturbating. I wanted to thank him for the kindness of his offer, but decline. IF I share this moment with him, I know I'll want more than his comfort. Therefore, I don't think it's appropriate for ME to accept the offer. So I wrote back:
Quote: Oh gosh, thank you, but I would never ask you or anyone else to do this instead of me. I really believe that as pet owners, since we have promised to take care of them for life, that promise includes the (dreaded) responsibility to show them out lovingly and compassionately when the time comes. Yep, I'm sure I will be a basket case. In the meantime, if you'd like to spend any time with her, I'm sure she would welcome it!
Hmm, I think tomorrow I'll take her swimming.
I also side-stepped the issue of whether he really wanted to see me, in addition to the dog. Nothing since then. Don't know whether he felt rebuffed and hurt, relieved, or hasn't given it's a moments thought, or what.
*** Wow, that turned out a lot longer than I thought. I’ve been following everyone’s threads, just haven’t been posting so much. Hugs to all.
One other sign of progress -- am feeling less in the mode of "I need someone to love me" and more in the mode of "I have love to offer someone else" (soon).
I just wanted to let you know that I share your exact same feelings today, this week, this month:
Quote: This week, a big gray cloud seemed to descend over everything. Not really depression, just extremely BLAH. I felt bored and impatient with my life and inwardly irritable, also distressed and frustrated about some things going on in my and other loved ones lives. I think all of this settled in due to facing the reality that H is really gone. Ugh, what a hard concept to assimilate. And then I was casting a critical eye on my life and saying, "What's in it now?" Of course, there's a lot in it now, but when you compare your dreams (my R with H) to the reality, reality can lose its luster.
My big gray cloud settled over me probably within the past month. And I have this cloud over me even though my H is home. I have not been really sure of why I have felt this way and was beginning to believe I had something along the lines of a defeatist attitude, because regarding my circumstances, I should be estatically happy if my H is home and the worst of it is behind us, right? Well, your next words were very important for me to read:
Quote: And I remembered reading a book back then that talked about how this blah, flat stage is kind of actually a good thing. It's finally saying goodbye to the old life, and preparing to allow in things for the new life. It’s the end of the drama of day-by-day emotional struggle to recover. At that time, I had to take it on faith, but it turned out to be true. During that dull, irritable, frustrated, sad stage, it turned out there was movement after all. The storm before the calm, as it were. When I remembered that this week, that this is actually a sign of progress, I started to turn around.
Even with my H home, it is still a day-to-day struggle. Definitely not the drama that my life was before we reconciled, but it is still a struggle for me. I am glad to read that these feelings are a sign of progress. I can't say that knowing that, my feelings have turned yet, but it lifts my spirit to know that it will come soon.
Thank you for just journaling. I really needed to read your words so that I can apply them to my own struggle today.
I am sending my best wishes regarding your sweet dog. I have two very ancient horses (34 years and 28 years) from my childhood and their time may be near also. I am not looking forward to it, but I do understand it is inevitable, so I am trying to prepare.
Hugs to you, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Azure, Of course you will be able to share your love again. There will be someone who appreciates it. Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
