I believe our heroine has taken a well-deserved little vacation hiatus.
And she's probably right this minute (well, it's pretty early, so maybe not this very minute) off encountering yet more people who think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread!
Wonder - agreed here! Our heroine deserves a rest doesn't she? But it doesn't mean her fans don't still miss her! TOTALLY (We like wonder bread - LOL).
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
I love all the hijacking! I was in New England for two weeks visiting my family for the first time since my dad died in May. All in all, it was a great and fun visit. My dad's wife is still having a pretty hard time, but then again it's only been four months, and we all know what a drop in the bucket that is! I loved seeing my family and my nephews and friends. I also got to spend an unexpected day on the Cape, kayaking, swimming and sailing (yes, H2H, my aunt's friend was my skipper and I worked the sail and tiller -- fun!) AND -- I got to meet the delightful-in-all-ways WONDER! We spent a day together in Boston and it was so great. I must definitively say that her H is crazy to leave her, she is gorgeous, interesting, smart, funny, the whole package. We got to share a lot about the other ways our paths may lead, since neither of our H's seem to be coming back (anytime soon, anyway). It was so nice to spend time with someone in such a similar space. Plus we had the same shirt on. LOL. We were joking that there needs to be a specific spot on the BB where one posts about personal growth and challenges and successes (called "Growing"?), because we still need support as much as ever, even if getting the WA back doesn't seem to be happening.
Well, I owe you all a lot of updating. I told you about H leaving me the birthday present. Then a week later, a substantial check in my mailbox to pay off the balance he owes me instead of once a month for the next 18 months. Wow, I was surprised that he actually went ahead and did that. He said he would, but seemed so angry about it that I didn't know if he'd change his mind. It will actually cost him now more due to interest on his loan (as he reminded me at one point). On one hand, it gave me a HUGE surge of relief to not have this hanging over my/our heads as we figure out if and how we make a friendship. Following the relief, a second wave of grief, frustration, confusion and a "WTF happened?" (Btw, before I left I also signed the missing D papers, so once again I am back to awaiting notification in the mail any day of my D. I cried at the mediator's office). I still really, really don't understand how it all came to this. My H must really be a master at hiding his deepest feelings. Which is so weird. Do I know him at all?
Well, anyway, I wrote him a nice thank you for the check and he wrote back a nice response, and we traded emails for the next couple of days. He also responded very caringly to reports of the dog growing lame, but I almost was afraid to continue discussing that with him, it made me feel too vulnerable in wanting his support. Then we spent a few days emailing about his brother's death and his mom's reaction to it.
While on my trip, he wrote me about going to Lake Tahoe for Labor Day weekend (didn't mention with whom), praised me for sailing and kayaking, and asked me to say hi to anyone in my family who would be responsive to that overture (and not want to kick his a$$, I guess). We talked about family, about books, etc.
I wish I knew what his motivation was for wanting to be friends. Is it only to assuage guilt, or does he still truly care for me and respect me? I thought the "payoff" was a good sign, but then someone suggested he just wanted to be done with all the things that make him feel guilty. Well, we'll see. I am still finding it hard to go completely dark on him.
Well, anyway, I am still very much working the "program" of growth and change. I had a bad dream this morning that a mutual friend told me he was deluged with offers from women to date. It brought back those bad feelings of rejection. But I reminded myself that abandonment by a loved one brings up so much trauma and past experiences rolled into one, it really is a gift of an opportunity to clean out the old wounds once and for all, and let them heal nicely.
Glad you're back! And have perhaps been bitten by the sailing bug . . .? For me it's an awesome experience and I can't wait to get back out there on Saturday (haven't been in weeks!).
Quote: I wish I knew what his motivation was for wanting to be friends. Is it only to assuage guilt, or does he still truly care for me and respect me?
You & me would like the answer to that question. Lots of folks have given me lots of reasons for his wanting to remain friends, but the bottom line is that we won't ever really know if they themselves don't tell us.
The more interesting question is do WE want to be their friends and WHY? ? ? Can we be friends without hurting, expecting, or losing part of ourselves?
Well, we'll see. I am still finding it hard to go completely dark on him.