Thanks so much for the birthday wishes!! It’s tomorrow, and I have to work, but the folks I’m having a meeting with in the morning are bringing some b-day goodies. Yum.
I was very surprised on Friday to receive an email from H (because he had said he wanted to take a break from trying to be friends, and I hadn’t heard a word from him in ten days or so), saying: Hi Azure,
Just checking to see if you're around now and not on a trip. I'm running around your area this afternoon and would like to leave an early birthday package on your doorstep.
Would that be okay?
--H
I wrote back: Hi, H, I'm not out of town. That is sweet. Thank you. Azure (Don't be surprised to see two dogs at the door, I'm sitting [friend’s dog] for two weeks.) PS Book recommendation for you and/or your mom: The Dogs of Babel by Carolyn Parkhurst
He wrote: I'll drop the stuff by in about an hour, then. Are you there or will you be? If not, where do you suggest I leave it?
My reading tip for you: The Confessions of Max Tivoli. Excellent book.
I wrote: I won't be home until 6. I don't know where to leave it...maybe around the side of the house near the basement entrance? The Max Tivoli book sounds really good (I looked it up on Amazon).
Then later, when I got home, I wrote:
Hey, H I was really touched by the thoughtful presents, right down to the "reading girl" bag. I actually forgot that the [my favorite band] were going to have a new CD out, they mentioned that at the show. The socks are completely cool--I love them, of course. I can't wait to read the book. I just finished the Dogs of Babel, so I can read it now. Oh, and I loved the homie card, too. I really wasn't expecting anything, so thank you. Those are perfect. Gimpy girl [the dog] sends clicks and licks. Love Azure
And he wrote: I'm glad you liked everything, Azure. I hope that you are able to stretch out your big day into a week-long celebration.
I'll take your advice on the book, though I'm just starting an older book called the Moviegoer and then I'm tackling the Clinton autobiography, which could take a while. You'll have to tell me how you like White Noise.
Enjoy, and tell that gimpy girl [the dog] to heal up soon.
Love--H
************ Yeah, SO, it was so surprising, as I wasn’t expecting anything from him. Last heard from, he wanted to take a break, and was/is resentful over our settlement (even though we went to a mediator together), as well as the D not happening as soon as he expected.
In answer to your question, H2H, I took to heart his wanting a break from communicating, and I have been working on myself (as it advises in the book), trying to face my fears about being alone, about our R being over, about learning to be ok with my own self. It has been both quite terrifying and very interesting process. This process was made somewhat easier (though harder, too ) by the thought of him being disgruntled with me and not wanting to talk and not inviting me to BIL’s service.
So when I got his email and the presents on Friday, it kind of threw me into a weird tailspin of mixed emotions. It made me cry. I felt confused about why he wanted to open communication back up again, and/or whether it was just for my birthday, and then we'd be back to darkness and me trying to heal from this insane, intense year.
Luckily, right after I picked up the present, I was due at Maya’s house for dinner, to join Totally and Ultreya. I was SO glad I was going to be among fellow DBers with all this emotional storm in my head. Maya made us a lovely dinner, and we also watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, which were absolutely lovely. So once again, the “DB Delivery” (do you remember that story?) came through.
And Saturday night, I met GBO in the city, as well as two wonderful friends of hers, and she treated me to a birthday dinner! Then we went back to her house and her lovely new floor.
So thank goodness for DBers this weekend!
Nothing more from H for the weekend, although I was tempted at times to write, but so much emotion sprang up around that, I thought maybe it was better to return to darkness, and let him initiate if he wants further conversation.
Thank you all for continuing to check in. Hugs, all.
Hey Azure - that's a nice surprise from H! Don't think for one minute that he's forgotten that he was the one who said he needed a break . . . so he has extended an olive branch of sorts.
I think your responses were lovely and just fine. And I would agree that for now let him be the one to initiate contact (don't you love when I dispense advice I am unable or unwilling to take? )). Wait to see what happens when there isn't an 'event' to initiate contact . . . (if you can stand it!).
Sounds like you are taking good care of yourself. Surrounding yourself with energy and friends. It's all good.
I think he is just having a wildly difficult time processing everything. Just imagine going throught everything he is going through WITHOUT the DB bulletin board! (Shutter)
You have such poise and strength.
Happy Birthday, and make SURE to close your eyes and SEE your version of a true birthday wish coming true, before you blow out those candles.
Quote: I think your responses were lovely and just fine. And I would agree that for now let him be the one to initiate contact (don't you love when I dispense advice I am unable or unwilling to take? )). Wait to see what happens when there isn't an 'event' to initiate contact . . . (if you can stand it!).
I agree! You were the model of DB, IMHO. And I too love to dispense advice I know I should take myself... so I agree with that too.
Hey, all you wonderful, wonderful folks. Thank you so much for the birthday wishes! Although I felt a bit down at times yesterday, overall I had a really good day. I had to work, but had a good productive meeting and my colleagues brought coffee cake and tea and birthday wishes. My dear friend sent flowers to the office (gotta love that). Two of my sibs and my 12-year ex-bf (my friend the last 10 years)called me at work with happy wishes. I got emails and nice cards.
Back at home, more cards. I was finally able to return to the gym (it's been closed for renovations -arrgggh!) and do my hip-hop dance class. MAN! Did that feel good to sweat to a powerful beat (unfortunately, I'm still such a white gal, but I love this class). And my sweet, sweet neighbors made me a special birthday dinner and god, was it good! I was so touched.
I got a very nice card from MIL saying she hasn't seen much of me and would like to remedy that, would like to take me out to dinner soon or have me come visit. She also thanked me for my thoughts and condolences on BIL, and said they had a beautiful oceanside service.
I sent H a brief email yesterday because I was so proud of my little old dog. Despite terrible lameness in her hindquarters, she promptly dispatached a large rat in the basement. H wrote back a sweet (especially considering that we're "taking a break") email within a couple of hours:
Quote: She's a tough girl, lame legs or not. That was her birthday present to you. Happy Birthday!
That was nice to hear from him.
So, all in all, a day that could have been blah was pretty good!
*********** These are the "piecing myself" goals I've been working on lately:
1. Doing a kind of walking meditation at least every other day. Getting in the moment in nature, listening, seeing, smelling what's around me, instead of being caught up in drama in my head. I'm getting better. (Hey, did anyone hear Felicia Rashad on NPR yesterday? She was so inspiring!) This has had an interesting side effect of bringing back some childhood memories of being in the moment. 2. Applying being in-the-moment to being with people at least once a day, giving someone my complete attention and listening. This can be quite surpising, and folks really like it. 3. Doing the Big You/Little You dialog from the Journey book. This brought up a lot of resistance in me and I thought it was pretty goofy/embarrasin', but it has been a rewarding experience. Basically, it's a way of connecting your emotional self with your best adult self, while simultaneously strengthening that adult self. If that's too much psychobabble for you, oh well! I can just say that it's doing some good stuff for me. 4. Working on figuring out a new future path and attendant goals.
On the bad news side, a rough talk with the vet yesterday about my wonder dog -- she is having issues with her spine and it will probably be a general decline until her quality of life is not good enough to make her stay around. Do y'all know how much I love this dog? She has been through thick and thin with me. Trying to wrap my mind around this...sigh. I want to give her the best I can until that time, though.
Anyway, Excelsior! Love to all. You guys rock. Thanks for the continued support. What a difference you've made in this past year!
) by the thought of him being disgruntled with me and not wanting to talk and not inviting me to BIL’s service. 
)). Wait to see what happens when there isn't an 'event' to initiate contact . . . (if you can stand it!).
I can just say that it's doing some good stuff for me.