Denise, What about a schedule? Would your H ever go for that?
At one point, I asked my H what kind of frequency he thought we should strive for. He said 'twice a week'. So then I steered the conversation towards, Ok so you are agreeing that we will ML twice per week, barring any catastrophes?
It worked too!
I know that your H will say that it is dependent on his illness and that is perfectly understandable but I would not be afraid to bring up the fact that there are other things that he does (pleasure pursuits) that do not get the ax b/c of the Crohn's and really, H, what is the difference here?
In other words, you might have to really press him to get him to agree on some ground rules. It would be weird for a guy who has always had an HD to now be living by 'rules' with his wife...downright humiliating in fact, but it can no longer be avoided can it? You are so unhappy with the current situation that it is time that the both of you stopped pretending that things are as they were. It's time for a new mr. and mrs. niecie to take center stage!
Honeypot, Thanks for the suggestion! We are going to be alone Saturday night and I am hoping that I can deftly steer the conversation around to my way of thinking! At this point I'd be happy with every other week.
I think what I have hated the most was not knowing when the next time would be - knowing it wasn't going to be too soon - it has always been when he decided - I had nothing to do with it and that really has bothered me.
You have always had good suggestions for me Honeypot and I appreciate it more than you can possibly know!
Denise, I am rooting for you my sister! (I originally typed "rotting" which is true, too. If H doesn't use it soon it is going to get dry rot....ewwwwwwww yuck, everybody says.......)
Ok, that was my attempt at getting a smile out of you. I hope you had a good one and best of luck with your talk with H. You can do it!
Honeypot, Our children will be gone Saturday night. We are going to attend my nieces birthday party (I am decorating the cake), dropping our daughter off with her friend she is going to Wisconsin with, then going to eat at Carraba's Italian Grill, Starbucks, and then home for hot sex. Well that is what I told Hubby I wanted anyway! We actually were laughing and teasing about sex...something we haven't done in awhile.
We are going to see the Bourne Identity Sunday. I have my weekend planned out. Our son won't be home til Sunday afternoon.
I am going to try to keep anything and everything from dry rotting from non use!
Have a great day...by the way when are you due? If I am not totally mistaken, you are expecting. We are going to get our first grandchild (it's a boy!) in 4 weeks! Baby's are so sweet.
Hope your weekend is what you expected it to be! I have been thinking about you. You go, girl! I can't wait to hear all about it. Thanks for being there for me.
It has taken awhile to get the time and the energy to update on my weekend and the next weekend is almost here.
It was a pretty emotional weekend...I hope some good came from it...it is sometimes hard to tell.
As I had stated before, I had told my H that I wanted us to go out to eat and then come home and have passionate sex - we would actually be alone.
Saturday I went to church, came home, went to DIL's baby shower for her side of the family, made birthday cake for my niece, helped daughter get ready for trip to Wisconsin, etc.
We decided not to go out to eat - just get takee/outee from a favorite restaurant after the birthday party. As I leave the birthday party my oldest son calls my cell phone and says he and his wife are coming to visit. They visit for awhile and I thought "well there goes any chance of sex tonight".
After they left H. says lets go swimming. It had been fairly cool that day considering it is August. We have an above ground pool and it is usually very warm - it was NOT! It was freezing cold!
H. decides he wants sex in the pool. I am not that interested in sex in the pool. It is probably the least fun sex for me...don't mind playing the the pool...but hey, I was looking for some serious lovemaking and that is not in the cold pool fighting off mesquitoes.
I told him I'd rather go inside and get in our bed or at least inside where I wasn't shivering! Totally ignored my hint. He got his jollies - I got pissed off. Didn't say anything though. Went inside and got in the tub to warm up and I was pretty annoyed. I kept thinking - What part of I'd rather go inside did he not understand?
He knocks on the door and says we will watch a little of the movie and then make love. Yeah - right. After he gets his jollies he is not near as interested. I'm glad he doesn't want to totally leave me hanging but obligitory sex is not what I am after either.
It was not to be...DD calls and she has forgot her pillow - needs it for cross country trip. Long and short of it - I made two trips to make sure her trip was A-OK. No sex for me. He is tired and so am I as it is 1:00 AM. I go to bed and I am hurt/pissed off/angry/sad, etc. The next morning I wake up and he is not in bed. I feel like I was hit by a Mack truck and look like it too I am sure.
He offers to take me to a movie and out for lunch. I say little as I am annoyed and we trot off to see the Bourne Supremecy. This is where the poopee hits the fan.
As we are sitting in the movie waiting for the film to start he says that he is getting the vibe that there is a problem. I said Yes there is a problem. I told him that the problem was that I HATE to be used as a hole for him when he feels the need and I am left hanging.
Well he says something - can't remember now - but something to the effect that he wants to leave the movie. I say fine and we get up to leave and walk down the steps. He said something like should we leave/stay/etc. I said I personnally did not want to discuss the problem at that time that I had waited 2 weeks to see the movie so we sat down again.
He asked me a few questions and I said I did not want to discuss it at that time. We watched the movie and left.
We stopped to eat at our favorite restaurant and we discussed the previous night. I told him that I hate for him to "use" me in such a manner as he gets his jollies and I am just a "hole".
He said that he had been tired and the wanted to swim so that the cool water would wake him up and I said I understood that but that I had also said that I did not want to complete the LM in the water. I explained that sex in water was less than comfortable for me - water is not a good lubricate and therefore, for me it is uncomfortable at best and painful at its worst. He said that he had said that we would continue but that I had to run off to get things for our DD.
I said that I was aware of his offer but by that time I was ticked off to say the least. I was calm as I was talking to him - we were in a very crowded restaurant so it wasn't like we could have a shouting match! I tried to outline for him why I felt the way I did and that his actions wounded me deeply. I told that his total lack of interest was like a knife to my heart.
I recounted all of the reasons he used to give me for the lack of sex:
I went to bed at a different time than him
There were always people in the house - we were never alone
I had gained weight and he didn't like that.
I told him that I started going to bed when he did and still he pushed me away. We went on vacation to the Cayman Islands and when I suggested we make love for the second time in one day (this being our 3 day there with no sex) he acted like I'd asked him to do something vile. I lost quiet a bit of weight so that was no longer an issue.
I told him that I had really felt in my heart that it was that I was overweight and he didn't like it. But when I lost weight and he still was uninterested (as a matter of fact we made love more often before I lost weight!) that I was just devestated. I told him that he constantly kept me at arms length and that no matter how much I loved him it didn't help.
I also said that I had suggested we put a TV with a DVD in our bedroom so we could go in our room and watch a movie and ML - Movie noise would give us some privacy - and of course, you said no and still say no. It, to me, is a solution to one of our hurdles.
We left the restaurant and he said that he wanted to go home and make love. I said No. I am not interested now. I am not in the mood. I am too upset. We went back and forth on that vein - he said that in years past we would always make love to make up and I said that I was more than aware of that. He said that we had literally switched rolls - that he used to be the one that would get mad quick and I would be the one to try to calm him down and now it was the opposite. I said that I was always so frustrated with the lack of affection and attention.
We discussed rather loudly his Crohns and how that has effected our lives. He said that I am not being understanding enough of his problem and I said that I wanted to understand his problem but that he closed me out. I told him that sometimes I don't want to make love because I know that he doesn't feel well but that I would like for him to put his arms around me, cuddle with me, remember that I am a woman and his wife - not his sexless sister.
The debate got rather heated on both sides. Of course every little problem that we have ever had was dragged out of the cobwebs and rehashed. He did agree that no more "using me as a hole" sex would take place. He agreed to try to be more affectionate.
We did later make love and wouldn't you know it - the middle kid came home right in the middle of it. I can't win for losing. Middle child left not to long after he came home - he went to spend the night with my nephew.
He has allowed affection this week to a certain extent - but night before last we went to bed at the same time and I said that I wanted to just lay by him and he said no. He was in an aggravated mood - he had been dealing with the insurance company on his medical bills. So it is back to the same old push me away.
I am trying not to be upset about it. I know that he loves me - that is not an issue - the issue is whether or not he will let me close to him. To him we are as close as two peas in a pod and he doesn't understand why I want to cuddle with him and touch him. He doesn't feel that there is anything lacking in our marriage. He did say that he understand why I am upset over the downturn of our sex life - and yet he can't understand that I could substitute sex for cuddling to some extent. It is better than nothing.
He did say that he wanted peace at any price - that is something I used to tell him. I am reading a book right now on relationships and am going to reread SSM. Couldn't find it today - maybe is is reading it - that would be wonderfull. I am out of town, sitting in a hotel room, finally getting this out. He did say that he wanted to set some ground rules so I think this week end will be ground rule setting.
My idea of ground rules is:
No "just for me none for you sex"
Hugging at least once a day - him hugging me - a reciprical hug - not a one sided hug.
Make love at least once a week - health permitting.
Willingness to listen to me when I ask for his attention - and his affection.
Hugging at least once a day - him hugging me - a reciprical hug - not a one sided hug.
Make love at least once a week - health permitting.
Willingness to listen to me when I ask for his attention - and his affection.
It is a start.
Hey, it sounds like a great start and completely reasonable. And, although things didn't go the way you planned (do they ever?) at least you are TALKING to each other. This is so important.
Hope this weekend is better than your last one, Hairdog
