Another thread locked!
Here is an explanation of my new thread title--
Between the Devil and the Deep wooden ships, the "devil" was the longest seam of the ship. It ran from the bow to the stern. When at sea and the "devil" had to be caulked, the sailor sat in a bo'sun's chair to do so. He wIn as suspended between the "devil" and the sea -- the "deep -- a very precarious position, especially when the ship was underway.
Somedays, that is exactly how I feel--like I am working in a very precarious position. Luckily, I have my Heavenly Father to turn to and all of you guys as well. I know I need to tell you about Saturday's visitation, but I have GOT to finish this one paper today. Unfortunately, it is on Child Custody and Support negotiation, so I am not feeling too motivated to work on it. {SIGH}
Let me get back to it and I will be back on ths evening to post about visitation Saturday. Maybe something interesting will happen tonight, too. Who knows--anything is possible.
SMW
yes, anything IS possible.
sorry you have to write about a subject that hits to close to home.
hey, just curious. what are you going to school for? what type or lawyer/atty are you wanting to be, or are you planning something diff. Just curious, for some reason I had imagined you dealing with customers that were about D issues or something of the sort, and you utilized what God taught you to help save their M.
that would be cool.
If you check my new thread I have an email I posted there regarding a forgiveness cd. I'm telling all my friends here about it.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1501328
Hi, ((((((((SMW)))))))).
Sorry, long time no write
I found a beautiful poem today and thought of you:
Ships sail east and ships sail west
While the self same breezes blow:
It's the set of the sails and not the gales
That determines the way they go.
Like the winds of the sea is the way of fate
As we journey along through life.
It's the set of the soul that determines the goal
And not the calm or the strife.
How are you today, SMW?
Sorry I am not around as much. I did enjoy the breakfast you very kindly offered...
Yes, how are you today?
K
Stella--
The poem is beautiful, thank you for it.
I had some panic here last night and just could not post until I knew more. There was a suicide aboard H's ship and the ship was locked down for communication. Prior to that, though, the kids had been trying to call H and he was not returning their phone calls.
I know more details and obviously would have been informed by now, either way, so I know that it is not my H. I knew last night, though, that it was not when I went to bed. During my prayer time, I prayed for this poor lost young man that felt he had no other solutions. I then prayed for my H to know that his life is not hopeless, that his family loves him and want him to come home. I prayed the God would continue to work miracles in my H's heart and mind.
I will be back in later--I have some things that HAVE to betaken care of this morning.
SMW
wow. that is always a shock when someone takes their own life. What's even more sad is that these people usually fail to realize how selfish that act really is.
I am glad though that it was not your H. I know however that God has other plans for you and your H, and they are good plans. Plans that will glorify him.
((((((SMW))))),
I'm so sorry. I can imagine, how frightened you must have been the other night!
Thank you for your 2x4s today, much appreciated :).
Update--
Saturday Visitation--
H got here right on time. He had promised the kids on Wednesday that he would put up their pool when he got here Saturday. The smoke from the wildfires was really bad and H and I were concerned that the kids would not be able to use it once it was set up.
When he walked in, I was finishing eating my breakfast---the kids were already done and dressed. I, D16, and one of her friends were planning to go run some errands. H was trying to figure out how he was going t oget the things he needed from the hardware store (plywood and 2x4s) and take the three little kids with him. He never once asked to use my Durango and I did not offer it.
The girls and I left and did the errands I had to do. I dropped the girls off at another friend's house and headed home by myself around 1:30. When I got there, D8 was in the house, D5 and S2 were out back with Daddy.
Our pool is one of those soft set ones--you blow up the top ring and it sets itself while it fills. While they are a great idea, your yard has to be incredibly level in order for them to set right. If not, you have to dig up the yard and level it. H came up with a better idea. He built a platform out of plywwood and 2x4s. His theory was that the plywood would give where needed under the weight of the pool to keep things level. It worked perfectly! I must have told him 4 or 5 times what a great idea it was and how well it worked out.
Anyway, when I walked out back, he was finishing building the platform. H said "oh Good, you are back. Can you give me a hand putting the pool on the platform, I don't want to drag it and tear it." I said sure and helped him with that. While we were straightening it out, I suggested grilling hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner with chips and baked beans to go with them. H said tha sounded good and he would take care of doing the grilling, but did I mind getting everything else together (fixing,s beans, etc) so he could stay out and keep an eye on the pool while it was filling. I told him no, no problem I would take care of that stuff.
As I was heading into the house, S2 was asking for something to eat. H asked what time it was and I said around 2. He came in the house behind me and went into the kitchen to get the kids some lunch. While he was making them sandwiches, he asked if I wanted one, too. I thanked him but said no, I was fine. He took the kids their lunch outside, then came back up to make himself a sandwich. He sat at the table with it and started talking to me across the room, jsut chit chat about nothing in particular--telling me abut work and why he was not at the briefing last week. Asked if there were a lot of handouts from it, etc. While he was talking, I walked into the dining room and sat down so we weere not talking across two rooms.
In the midst of talking, he mentions that i know his shop supervisor. it is a guy I met online a couple years ago on one of the military forums. We have an annual ritual of waiting out the chief results on one of the forums and we all talk about our spouse's (or the servicemember themselves) chances of making chief, their evals, their jobs, the stress, past duty assignments, everything. His current chief is someone I had chatted with and he just made chief last year. He recognized our last name immediately and asked H if I was his wife. H said yes and Chief told him to tell me Hi and he hoped to meet me in real life soon. Apparently, H is not bandying it around that we are not even living together right now. I know from past conversations tht Chief thinks highly of me and the way I support my husband. This sea time could get really interesting, as I now know three people who regularly work with my husband. Two of them know what is going on and are both wanting to "talk some sense into him." Both have held back because I told them that it is not right for them to interfere. I do not know how much longer the one will, though.
Anyway, H finished eating, cleaned up the kitchen from making their lunches, and headed back out to the pool. Came in again after a few minutes and asked if it was okay to leave the kids while he ran to the store to get chlorine and pool shock. The little kids were in the ankle deep pool playing already. I told him sure, and I went out back while he left. While he was gone, I pulled out the things I had picked up when I was running my errands--water wings for the little kids, a pack of water guns, and splash bombs for the pool. The kids started filling the guns and shooting each other.
H came back and I got back to work on some school things. I popped outside every now and again to have a cigarette and see how the pool was progressing. H was chatty every time I did, but not about anything in particular. Around 5, he came in to tell me he was startign the charcoal, in case I needed to know for any of the side stuff. I already had everythign prepped, jsut needed to turn on the beans. However, this was something I used to complain about--he never gave me any warning to start the other stuff when we would grill.
This is getting long and I need to head to the preschool to get D5, I will post the rest of Saturday after lunch.
SMW
Hi SMW,
you sound so strong! You "report" and sound detached, in control. I can only imagine how hard is to be the wife of a man being in the army. Having 4 kids, studying? It shows the srtength you have and how you are able to handle everything.
Take care hon,
K
So, H starts grilling burgers and hot dogs. I walked over to the grill and asked if he wanted to eat inside or out--H said out would be great since it was nice out and not too hot.
D16 and her friend and I carried the plates, sides, condiments etc. outside to the table and we all sat down to eat. It was a family dinner--teasing the kids, talking about things taht are going on, just generally a nice meal. The kids finished and wanted to go back in the pool, so we let them. D16 and friend and I were sitting at the table while H went to get an extra pack of cigarettes out if his car. Friend looked at me and said, "well that is wierd." I said "what?" She said--" He acts like nothing is wrong, that it is a regular family dinner! Is he clueless?!?" This girl and D16 have been friends for 6 years so she has spent plenty of time with us as a family.
H came back i nteh backyard and was playing with the kids--splashing them, throwing the splash balls at them, etc. the older girls got in the pool too, and I reached over the side and pulled friend's legs out from under her. The kids were roaring and H looked shocked that I had done it. In the meantime, I picked up a splash ball and threw it at D8. It skipped in the pool and flew out and hit H. The war was then on, with the two of us on opposite sides of the pool throwing the splash bombs at the kids and at each other. I was getting soaked--in a white t-shirt--and H's aim is pretty good, he kept hitting me in the upper body. At one point we ended up on the same side of the pool, and he started emptying out his pockets. He says ''Watch this!" pulls his shirt off and jumps into the pool. The little kids are ecstatic at that! Mommy was a little excited about the bare chest!!!
I didn't get in the pool with them, but instead played with them and the splash bombs for a bit more, and then I started clearing the table. When H saw me clearing the table, he climbed out and helped stack everything up for me to carry in--I told him I would carry it in the house since he was soaked.
H hung around until about 8. Helped round the kids out of the pool before he left. He was heading down to his parents' house to spend Sunday with them.
So, that was Saturday. I thought it was overall a good day.
I had to call H on Sunday, as he took D5's booster seat again and did not put it back in my car. Asked him if he could drop it off on his way back from parents' house. He said sure thing. I thought he would at least say hi, but he did not. Sometime between 9 and 11 he came by the house and put the seat in my car. When I talked to him on monday, he said that the lights were out in the family room so he thought we were all in bed already. I was upstairs in the dining room. Oh, well.
Will post on Monday, which was hysterical, in a bit.
SMW
Thanks K!
I am not sure if I am in control, but I have a sense of peace and calm that I cannot explain. I think it comes from knowing that my marraige WILL be restored. It is in God's plan and I just must have patience and wait for it to be His time to do so. He is in control and I am just on for the ride.
The biggest problem I am having is problems with the kids. Luckily they are acting out when H is here, too, so he is seeing it, as well. They still beg him to come home, cling to him, cry when he leaves. How does someone go from having unlimited access to four children he adores, to only having 60 hours a month and not look for more? The pain that the kids are suffering is almost too much for me to bear.
SMW
wow. that is always a shock when someone takes their own life. What's even more sad is that these people usually fail to realize how selfish that act really is.
I am glad though that it was not your H. I know however that God has other plans for you and your H, and they are good plans. Plans that will glorify him.
ST
It was awful and I agree that suicide is an incredibly selfish, cowardly way to deal with a problem.
D16 was terrified when we first heard (immediately after it happened). Her oldest friend's dad committed suicide after he and his wife split up. The girls have literally been friends since the friend was born. They are 10 months apart in age. It was, for D16, like losing a family member. that same fall, my stepdad passed away too. D16 could not sleep all night. Even us telling her it was not dad, wrong dept, everything, she was still a mess.
Se did not want me to tell H, though, when he came over on Weds. She said he did not deserve to know we cared. SIGH She is still struggling with things so bad.
Thank you for the positive thoughts. I am feelig the same--that God has a plan and it will be revealed in His time and will lift Him up.
SMW
((((((SMW))))),
I'm so sorry. I can imagine, how frightened you must have been the other night!
Thank you for your 2x4s today, much appreciated :).
Stella--your welcome for the 2x4s. If I did npt splinter them too bad, you may wantto hold onto them for when I need them. I am sure my time is coming, especially with the upcoming 3 week deployment and then the full cruise. I have to be honest, I struggle everyday about contacting the OW. I know it is counterproductive and serves no purpose that is not self-satisfying.
My cousin has a theory on the OW. Said that she feels that OW was just looking for a young piece of man to occupy her time and that H was perfect for it--married with kids, wife away, and he would be leaving in a few months for a new duty station. According to H, he had told her originally that he would not leave me and the kids. So, he would leave and she would find someone to replace him. Unfortunately, H got too involved and it blew up in his face. She thinks that the OW will be gone by the deployment, that it will be too easy for it to be brought to an end then. Who knows. Nice theory, though. What do you think?
SMW
Alright, so I optd for bed last night, instead of posting about Monday! LOL
I had an almost empty house, though, and the quiet was nice. All the girls slept over a friend's house. Just me and S2, which was nice for a change. The girls are still not home and he is loving having Mommy all to himself.
He just begged to watch "Lightning Queen" so I have a break and can type while "Cars" is in the DVD player.
Monday, H showed up about 15 minutes early for visitation. He went right into the backyard, where the kids had been in the poll all day. He came in the house, said hi, put his swim trunks on, and jumped in the pool with the kids. After he got here, my niece's best friend showed up with my nephew in tow--they had spent the day at the beach. I told Mike to jump in the pool with his cousins, too. Niece's F and I sat talking at the picninc table and playing with my great-nephew, whom I babysit everyday.
About 5 minutes til 5pm, H climbs out of the pool and asked what I had planned for dinner. Told him I did not have anything planned, as I had plans to go out. He looked shocked. I told him thet there was really no leftovers, but he was welcome to check the freezer for something to cook. H said, oh, okay, and walked into the garage to check the freezer. N's F started giggling under her breath and I kicked her under the table. She asked where I was going and I told her I would tell her when there was no chance of being overheard. H comes back out and says "Well, I guess I could make them hot dogs." I said yes, but there were no buns. He goes back in the house and comes back out a few minutes later and dressed back in his clothes. He asked if I would be home for a few minutes. Told him yes, I would not be leaving until after 6. I thought he was running upstairs to cook, but apparently he ran to the store to get hot dog buns and tater tots.
While he was gone, I filled in N's F on what my plans were for the evening. My church has prayer meeting on Monday nights and I wanted to join the prayer group. However, I did not feel like letting H know what my plans were. She started laughing again, and I asked what was so funny. She said, "He is thinking you have a date and you are going to church to pray for his wayward a$$!!"
H went right upstairs to put the food on when he got back. While he was doing that, niece got here to pick up her son. She sat down and F filled her in on what was going on. Niece started laughing her butt off. We all chatted for about 20 minutes. H came back outside and told the kids they needed to get out of the pool, that dinner was almost ready. I told N and F to excuse me, that I needed to go get ready to go out.
I went upstairs to get dressed. I pulled an old pair of jeans out of the closet--ones I have not worn in about 5 years cause they got too small. I am thrilled to say that I am wearing them again and did not even have to lay on the bed to get them on!! I also wore the top I wore to my grandmother's memorial service--a pretty wrap top that has a v-neck. I have lost a few more pounds since then, and I now need to put a pin in the top to keep it a little less revealing. Of course, the pin did not go in until I was heading to church! (wink wink nudge nudge) I do my hair and make-up every morning anymore, so I only needed to touch them up.
I walked back downstairs and got compliments from niece, friend, and nephew. Matter of fact, Nephew was so cute about it. He is 10 and when he walked in he said "Wow, You look really pretty!!" Yeah, that kid can hang around more! LOL I chattedwith them a couple minutes and they leftr. I ran back upstairs to get my shoes andthe phone rang as I walked into the kitchen. It was my cousin calling about her court date next week. While I was talking to her, I was leaning on the kitchen counter and cought H taking peeks at me. When I hung up, he asked if I wanted to eat, that there was plenty. I told him "No, but thank you, I have plans this evening." He just said, oh okay, and went back in with the kids. I headed out back to sit at the picnic table and have a cigarette.
A few minutes later, H came out with the little kids in tow. We were all sitting at the table, H was talking about nothing in particular, and I was answering kind of noncomittal. I caught him staring a few times and he quickly looked away when I turned to look at him. This went on for about 15 minutes. I stood up, said I needed to go and asked the kids for kisses. As I opened the back door, H asked did I know what time I would be home, since he triesd to go to bed around 9, but he could stay. I told him that I did not know when I would be back, but that D16 would be home between 7 and 7:30, so he could leave when he needed to at 7:30 when his visitation was over. He said, oh okay, well then I will see you on Wednesday. I said, yes, I will see you then and left.
Again I am too long winded. I will finish in a bit or tonight. It is pretty funny and I have enjoyed the warm fuzzy about it all week.
SMW
I haven't posted here in a while, but have been keeping track. You sound like you are doing really well. A lot of contact with H lately, and H hanging around more than is necessary -- what's up with that?
Hi ,SMW!
Sorry, I wasn't around to return the friendly 2x4s
! D17 has just returned from holiday and shooed me away from the comp.
My cousin has a theory on the OW. Said that she feels that OW was just looking for a young piece of man to occupy her time and that H was perfect for it--married with kids, wife away, and he would be leaving in a few months for a new duty station. According to H, he had told her originally that he would not leave me and the kids. So, he would leave and she would find someone to replace him. Unfortunately, H got too involved and it blew up in his face. She thinks that the OW will be gone by the deployment, that it will be too easy for it to be brought to an end then. Who knows. Nice theory, though. What do you think?
Well, it fits the theory that OW is just a bandage and doesn't matter much. PLS, (((((SMW))))), use the "stop" sign every time you feel the urge to give her a piece of your mind.
D17 needs the comp, again!
Talk to you later, ((((HuG))))
Stella--
I am doing really well as far as the OW is concerned. I have only every contacted her one time--and that ended up beign the night that I asked H to leave. I have not contactedher since then and while I would like to give he a piece of my mind, I know that she is really not my problem. It is my husband's lack of faith in himself and inability to face challenges in his own life.
The biggest problem I am having is in trying to stay pleasant when I talk to my H and he is so cavalier about the little time that he spends with his children. He was off all day Thursday and never called to see if he could spend more time with the kids. When he called today, he asked to swap visitation from Monday to Tuesday. So, by then he will not have seen the kids since Wednesday night.
I use a rubber band on my wrist to keep my thoughts under control, but I did not have one on this morning when he called. Luckily, I did keep my mouth from kicking into high gear like I wanted to. I guess I am getting better at that stuff.
I should have since I managed to throw him for a loop this week during visitations.
SMW
G--
He is not taking more than his scheduled visitation. He is lingering longer or showing up earlier. I am not sure what is up with it, but I know I have kind of got him wondering what is going on here lately.
SMW
The rest of Monday's visitation----
I got back to the house a little after 9 (on purpose, since he "needs to be in bed by 9"). The only person in the house who knew where I had gone was D16. She said H left around 8:30 or so. Visitation is only supposed to be until 7:30.
The little kids were in bed, but D8 was still awake. I asked if she had a nice visit with her dad. She said it was alright but that he was very quiet after I left and did not have much to say. Said he asked her where I went and seemed surprised that she did not know. D8 is the informer and spy in our house. She ALWAYS knows everything, especially the stuff she is not supposed to.
I was looking for the house phone to make a phone call and could not find it. Asked her where it was. She said, "Oh, daddy had it outside." I said "He was making phone calls while he was here?" She said, "No, he was just looking at the caller ID." I started laughing hysterically on the inside. Thre are a bunch of new numbers in the caller ID with names H would not recognize. A bunch of D16's friends have recently gotten cell phones--in their Dad's names! LOL So, in the past 2 weeks, I have four or five men's names showing up frequently on my caller ID that were never there in the past.
So, that takes care of Monday.
AS for GAL, I also went out on Tuesday with my SIL. The two of us went shopping for a couple of hours at the big mall downtown. Then, that evening, Mom took myself and the kids out to dinner.
Wednesday was another fun day of visitation, and after Monday, I was bound and determined to make H stop and think again.
SMW
Going to go work on a paper and I will be back in here later with Wednesday.
I also need some input as to handle situations like him changing visitation without a clear reason. (see my post to stella above).
SMW
LOL So, in the past 2 weeks, I have four or five men's names showing up frequently on my caller ID that were never there in the past.
LOL!!!!
I also need some input as to handle situations like him changing visitation without a clear reason.
My H seemed not to remember that he had D17! He would talk to her for 2 min once a week and then he'd come over for XMas with some expensive present for her, as if trying to make it up for the total lack of interest on his part. Outwardly he appeared to be concerned about her exams, college plans, etc, but I felt that he didn't care.
Then again, my H was a 100% alien, a pure MLC case. I didn't even try to talk some sense into him. I was glad he could pull himself together to show up for XMas and summer holidays and didn't expect him to be a parent he used to be.
Sorry, I don't think it was helpful at all, just my 0,00002 cents. Don't have any advice really...
Only a ((((((hug))))).
Hi SMW, just popping in to say hi & see how you're doing. hugs
Hi SC!
I don't know--how do you think I am doing? Some days I feel like a duck--- furiously paddling.
SMW
When sh*t is getting thrown your way, being a duck is better than being a sponge.
I think you are doing pretty darn good.
{{{{{g}}}}}
Thanks! Glad to hear you guys think I am doing well.
I wish I had the money to call a DB coach. I guess my IC will have to do. Saw her on Tuesday and she feels like other than giving me a place to rant, there really is not too much more she can do for me. She feels I am, for the most part, focused and in control of myself. She said that she admires my strength in my stand--told her not to give me too much credit, I still have days where I am literally begging God for the strength to see me through a challenge. I am still dealing with my quick temper with the kids and that is being complicated by having to deal with them completely by myself all the time.
When does the LBS with the kids get to have a break? H cannot take the kids overnight--he has no place to take them. I have to manipulate a sitter to get any type fo a reprieve, and then I usually have the kids split up between a couple of houses. Lets be honest, four kids--well technically three--are a handful for anyone to take on. I did luck out today--they are all ata friend's house swimming and will not be home until around 6. This gives me some time to finish these last two papers up.
I will be back in later today to check in on everyone.
SMW
(((((SMW)))))
You are doing amazing. You're juggling 4 kids, as a single parent. You're going to school, & managing a home. Pretty good for a little duck.
If I lived closer, I'd say send your kids over for a few days, I've got 4 too, what's a few more.
Hugs, hang in there
SMW.
I guess my IC will have to do. Saw her on Tuesday and she feels like other than giving me a place to rant, there really is not too much more she can do for me. She feels I am, for the most part, focused and in control of myself.
Mine said the same exact words..I guess it's good for us in a way and bad also..
You're doing a great job..I know your kids will look back and really appreciate you for what you're doing.
Thanks for the offer SC! Just knowing someone would be willing is nice.
The friend who took them today has five of her own. Her H is on the same ship as H. He is the one I am concerned about confronting H. My kids adore him and whenever we are over there, the kids crawl on him like a jungle gym. He is furious at H for what is happening to the kids--he says he sees the changes in them whenver he is around them. I keep telling him to please let me handle this my way, but I do not know how much longer he will heed my wishes. I can only hope that he will give me the time I need. He seems to think that he can make H stop and think about the kids. I think it will only make things worse--I mean, heck, H's best friend could not get through to him, I am pretty sure someone he barely knows will not either.
Back to the paper. Needed to take a break from it for a bit.
SMW
SMW.
I guess my IC will have to do. Saw her on Tuesday and she feels like other than giving me a place to rant, there really is not too much more she can do for me. She feels I am, for the most part, focused and in control of myself.
Mine said the same exact words..I guess it's good for us in a way and bad also..
You're doing a great job..I know your kids will look back and really appreciate you for what you're doing.
Thanks Mike! I am doing this as much for me and H as I am for the kids. He and I are a good thing, he just needs to remember it. Unfortunately, I cannot help him remember, he needs to do it on his own.
D16, even as mad as she is at H, has said that she still wants her family back together, that she would forgive her dad if he would just come home and make things right.
SMW
SMW,
Not much to add to what's been said by others. You're doing great. You going out did end up driving him crazy.
I wouldn't read much into his ability to act like the happy family. It's something I've noticed with many of the walk-away husbands.
Anyway, the few things I will comment on:
1) I would be very liberal with the visitation thing. I wouldn't have even said, "you'll be able to go at 7:30" or however you worded it. If it had been me, I wouldn't have been happy with the idea. I mean, you weren't going to be there, so I wouldn't have given him the idea that you'd still like him to leave at the end of the scheduled visitation. Things with a "rigid" visitation feel to them may be part of the reason he hasn't ask for more time. Plus, to be honest, it sucks to ask, kind of like the mom owns them. I would see my kids every day if I could, but I hate calling my ex-w about that stuff. Were I you, I'd probably let him know (if you haven't already) that you want him to see the kids liberally.
2) While staying at the house some of the time is okay, you may want to suggest somehow that he should take them elsewhere for the afternoon. You could kill two birds with one stone (you getting out and having someone to watch the kids) by asking him if he'd mind watching them for a few hours while you ran some errands.
3) You did to a certain extent already, but I'd go ahead and flaunt your stuff when you get any opportunity. The swimming was a great time to do it. You could have switch to a bikini and got in the pool to (or did I miss that you did). Wanting what he can't have is a start (but don't give in should the opportunity arise).
4) Lastly, don't be blatant about it, but guys do like to have their egos stroked a bit. If you think he looks good without his shirt, don't be afraid to tell him so. Compliments, unless it makes him draw further away, are not completely off limits. Just be casual about it. I think it's great that you complimented his plywood idea...us grunting cavemen need our feminine validation.
All in all, I think you are doing well. Obviously, you are more used to being husband free more than most wives, so it isn't quite as hard on you. I'm sure you'd like him to just get off the snide and start showing you his intentions, but you'll just have to be patient.
SMW,
I am back and glad to find you are your usual self, strong and in control. I know being this way is hard and there are moments when you wish you could quit, but that is normal. Those moments pass quickly, feeling down is human and understandable granted the situation you are in. I admire you.
K
SMW,
I admire you too!
Just a quick comment:
I think it will only make things worse--I mean, heck, H's best friend could not get through to him, I am pretty sure someone he barely knows will not either.
May be it won't - make things worse, I mean. I think that my H was looking for approval (or disapproval) of what he's done when he started confessing the A to our friends. And I really appreciated those who went out of their ways to talk sense into him. Of course, he wouldn't listen to them, but it was still sinking in.
((((SMW))))
If your husband's friend insists on talking to your H, maybe he should say, "Just wondering, cuz if you don't want her, I have a friend that would be perfect for a great woman like her."
SMW,
where are you? Everything OK? Did I miss something? Were you supposed to go somewhere...
K
I am still around--Finishing up this last bit for school---I had to drive 5 hours round trip yesterday and sit through a 5 hour custody, support, and visitation hearing with my cousin.
She won--again--and the jerk ended up having to pay all the guardian ad litem fees ($700) and an additional $350 a month child support on top of what he is already paying. All in all a good day for her.
However, I ended up not getting all my last minute school work done. The prof was so impressed with my papers I have until end of today to finish the little I have left. By tonight, I will be free of school and able to come play again with everyone.
I was up til four am doing the papers and D16 let me sleep until 10:30. I will be back later!
SMW
(((((SMW)))))
Get that stuff done! We are much more fun than school!
Just checking in hope you catch up on your rest!
YEAH!!!
All my work turned in and graded! I aced all four of the papers that I had to finish!! I had a couple quizzes that I missed some points on. Finished with a 98.2!
WOO HOO now I get to play until the second week of September!!
I have a ton of catching up to do and I promise I will. I need to go feed my kids and get baths out fo the way early. We are going to veg and watch a movie tonight. I had planned to go to church, but S2 is not seeming himself today--kind of lethargic and cranky. I think he is finally cutting his molars.
I will be back in after everyone goes to bed tonight.
SMW
SMW,
Not much to add to what's been said by others. You're doing great. You going out did end up driving him crazy.
I got him thinking more last Wednesday, and again tonight!
1) I would be very liberal with the visitation thing. I wouldn't have even said, "you'll be able to go at 7:30" or however you worded it. If it had been me, I wouldn't have been happy with the idea. I mean, you weren't going to be there, so I wouldn't have given him the idea that you'd still like him to leave at the end of the scheduled visitation. Things with a "rigid" visitation feel to them may be part of the reason he hasn't ask for more time. Plus, to be honest, it sucks to ask, kind of like the mom owns them. I would see my kids every day if I could, but I hate calling my ex-w about that stuff. Were I you, I'd probably let him know (if you haven't already) that you want him to see the kids liberally.
Actually, when he said he needed to be in bed by 9. I told him that D16 would be home between 7 and 7:30, so he could leave when he needed to.
The problem with letting him see the kids liberalyl is that he would come over EVERY day, from after work until he put the little kids to bed, then would bolt out the door right after. The kids were not handling it well when he would leave and I was an emotional wreck, feeling like I had to be on point all the time. I did tell, him before, thought, that if he wants more time, he just needs to check and make sure I did not already have somethign planned with the kids.
2) While staying at the house some of the time is okay, you may want to suggest somehow that he should take them elsewhere for the afternoon. You could kill two birds with one stone (you getting out and having someone to watch the kids) by asking him if he'd mind watching them for a few hours while you ran some errands.
He is supposed to be taking them out, but when the wildfires got really bad, I had suggested ONE time that he could stay here, so that the kids were not out in the smoke. The following week he set up the pool, and has stayed here every visit since then. I usually do leave the house at some point. I babysit my 9 month old great-nephew, so Icannot leave until he is piscked up every day. Here lately, I am out the door within 30-45 minutes of that happening. That is bothering him, as I go out dressed up and he has no idea where I am going.
3) You did to a certain extent already, but I'd go ahead and flaunt your stuff when you get any opportunity. The swimming was a great time to do it. You could have switch to a bikini and got in the pool to (or did I miss that you did). Wanting what he can't have is a start (but don't give in should the opportunity arise).
LMAO I am still a LONG way from a bikini, but thanks for the vote of confidence. I would have loved to jump in the pool that day but Mother Nature had a different idea and I was not prepared for it. The "girls" are taking center stage a lot more than they have in the past, and that IS getting noticed.
4) Lastly, don't be blatant about it, but guys do like to have their egos stroked a bit. If you think he looks good without his shirt, don't be afraid to tell him so. Compliments, unless it makes him draw further away, are not completely off limits. Just be casual about it. I think it's great that you complimented his plywood idea...us grunting cavemen need our feminine validation.
I tried this today and did not realyl get a reaction. I asked was he making use of the gym on the ship, as it looked like he had really built up his upper body. He said no, just his regular pushups and situps. I told him, well whatever it was, it looked good on him. He just said, thanks.
All in all, I think you are doing well. Obviously, you are more used to being husband free more than most wives, so it isn't quite as hard on you. I'm sure you'd like him to just get off the snide and start showing you his intentions, but you'll just have to be patient.
Yes, being a Navy wife does make the separation a little easier--I pretend he is on deployment. However, always in the back of my mind is that he is not home by choice, not because the Navy needed him elsewhere. my patience has increased ALOT since this all started, trust me!
SMW
SMW,
I am back and glad to find you are your usual self, strong and in control. I know being this way is hard and there are moments when you wish you could quit, but that is normal. Those moments pass quickly, feeling down is human and understandable granted the situation you are in. I admire you.
K
Being called strong by you is definitely a compliment!! I will drop by with breakfast later for you!
SMW
SMW,
I admire you too!
Just a quick comment:
I think it will only make things worse--I mean, heck, H's best friend could not get through to him, I am pretty sure someone he barely knows will not either.
May be it won't - make things worse, I mean. I think that my H was looking for approval (or disapproval) of what he's done when he started confessing the A to our friends. And I really appreciated those who went out of their ways to talk sense into him. Of course, he wouldn't listen to them, but it was still sinking in.
((((SMW))))
H's best friend just became a dad for the first time. He now wants to beat my husband until he comes to his senses. He said, and I quote " I am going to bring him to Jesus real soon, mark my words." I am a little nervous about that one!
NO ONE is validating H except the OW. His family has told him he needs to get things right and come home, so have his friends.
SMW
If your husband's friend insists on talking to your H, maybe he should say, "Just wondering, cuz if you don't want her, I have a friend that would be perfect for a great woman like her."
LMAO Phoenix! The guy that wants to talk to H is a casual acquaitance--they work together. His wife and I are goodfriends, and ou r kids spend a lot of time together. He has no use for H right now unfortunately.
When they were walking out of their respective work shops on Tuesday, they ran into each other. had a little exchange about work, then F said, well, I will see you tomorrow--I am going home to play with my kids. Said H looked a little taken aback, but then, today F was talking with another friend and H was right behind them. F said, "I am glad I can go home and play with my kids at the end of the day. It makes it easier to let the work crap go." Said H looked very thoughtful and very unnervd. Like I have posted before, this mini deployment will be interesting!
SMW
Thanks for all of the congratulations about my grade!
Not too much to post about my sitch. The ship pulls out soon for a mini deployment and H has still not given me an email or regular address for the kids to write him. Oh well, his loss. The kids can tell him off when he gets back.
I went to visit my new "adopted" nephew. He is beautiful. It is H's best friend's new son. I got to see first hand how mad F is at H now, it is not pretty!
On an interesting note, I got dressed to leave, adn I put on an older tank top. Well, it is pre-weight loss, and now scoops REALLY low in the front. I put on a really nice bra with some lift to it, and then proceeded to lean over the table to give S2 a kiss good night--directly across from H, so he got a great view--and he took full advantage of it!
Got to F's house and they wanted to know where I was going. Told them jsut coming to see them and the baby. they asked if H knew that was where I was going, said nope! LOL F started laughing and said good keep him guessing, cause I am sure he is by now!
H did not leave until almost 8:30, again. I got home around 10:45. D5 was screaming for her dad--she had just woke up from a bad dream. I got her settled and she asked could we pray again for daddy. I told her absolutely, so we did.
Will not see H until Sunday and I am going to his parents' house for tomorrow and Saturday. The kids will enjoy it and I might get a little break.
SMW
(((((SMW)))))
You know, you sound way more in control of yourself than you were a very short time ago! Keep it up!
Thanks Jeff!
I was reading back over my first thread--I cannot believe it has only been two months since I first posted!
I see some big changes in my attitude, not too much in H but I am not surprised about that. But, it seems like he is thinking more--time will tell.
I just keep my faith in Him and know that He will restore my husband in His time. That is something else good that has come out of this--my strengthening faith. God allows thingsto happen as a way to help us grow in Him and I know I had gotten too far from what He wants in my life. so, for now, I keep working on finding me and getting the kids through this with minimal damage and with His guidance to light the way to the end of the tunnel.
I am really glad I found this forum, too. Knowing others support your decision to stand, in the face of what our spouses are putting us through, is big. Some of my RL friends think I am nuts, but say that WHEN he comes home, they will still be there and will welcome him back with open arms too. If I will forgive, they know they can too.
SMW
Okay--
I have to confess this before I leave. I am more nervous about driving down to my inlaws today than I was the very first time I met them. UGH!
I will try to get in tonight and let you guys know how things are going. Later!
SMW
UGH!
You know how we always say no good comes from snooping? Well, it is true! My inlaws gave H a cell phone so they could call him. The room that I am sleeping in at their house is where the computer is ans apparently where my FIL pays the bills. I saw the cell phone bill and dumb me had to look.
My H's number has the OW listed as one of his faves and he had over 3000 minutes in calls to her last month! He calls his kids once, maybe twice a week--they get, if they are lucky 10 minutes between the three of the little ones in those calls.
I am absolutely sick to my stomach over it--and I see now how obsessed my husband is with this woman. WHY?????? I do not understand it at all and I do not think I want to know. I do know, though, now, why they say an OW is like an addiction.
I am exhausted and need to pray before I go to sleep.
On a good note, my inlaws are acting as if nothing has changed--like they used to when H was on deployments and I would spend time with them. Maybe I should take lessons from them????
They are coming up to my house to put up a big playset they bought for the kids. Asked my FIL did he think that was a good idea under the circumstances--I might have to move in a year or so. My FIL said "you are not going anywhere any time soon, do not even think like that. Besides, we can always move the set, too."
Off to bed for me--we are going to the beach tomorrow!!
SMW
(((((SMW)))))
I'm sorry you had to see that!
I'm glad your in-laws are so supportive of you. That's really encouraging!
Have fun at the beach! Don't burn!
Hi SMW--
Have not posted much to your thread, but I have been following. The one thing I like about your sitch is that you asked your H to move (I think I am correct on this one). I also asked my H to move. I find that very few on this board have asked their spouses to move. I always feel like I can relate to you a little more because of that. Also, you like myself were hoping that a move would help your H come to his senses, instead it looks like he stayed gone as did my H. I have been at this for almost 9mths now, but the reactions that I am seeing from your H and some of his behaviors are things that I am see in my own H.
First off I think that looking at the caller ID and noticing how you look is a good sign. My H has recently started doing that. I think it keeps them wondering and not only that I think it is a way for them to see where they stand because at some point they do want to come back. Could be my wishful thinking. Could just be about control. Men like doing their dirt, but GOD forbid you, the mother of their children engage in the same thing. I would look at is a positive. The fact that he is lingering longer is also a testament to him at least missing life with you.
Prayer works. I am not the most religious person, but GOD has a way of getting you through when you let him handle it. I can't explain it, but that peaceful feeling that you talked about is a sign that GOD is on the case. The last few weeks I was having a really hard time, I gave it GOD and for whatever reason I am not as sad, or as frantic. I have this tremendous sense that it will be OK.
About thosse phone calls, I hate that you had to see those. Snooping never turns out well. One verse that I ran across says "dont fret, it leads only to evil." Don't fret over these calls. Think of OW as a virus that you have to let run it's course. Also, I think 34 is a difficult age for many men. They come to the realiztation that they are not getting any younger and they finally have to grow up and that people are actually counting on them. It freaks them out and makes them do some goofy things.
Hand in there and keep saying those prayers.
oh, I'm glad I got here when I did. I've been out of town, and now trying to catch up.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let this new information change the way you've been.
A very similar thing happened to me too. I really thought H was thinking about me, noticing me, enjoying the kids more, etc and that things would be saved, until I had to use his phone and snooped and saw a text he wrote while with me at his cousin's wedding "you are so gorgeous...blah blah blah" I was totally devastated and sick and gave him his phone like nothing was wrong and went to my car and cried and read the bible. I came back acting as if as best as I could.
What I got from this was this.
I KNEW that I still had a lot more work to do. I knew my struggle was not over, and I was put back into perspective. I know that snooping isn't always a good thing, but for those of us who can be strong and have God as their strength, we can use it for good.
I KNOW that your H is thinking about things and he's getting confused. This is a good thing. He's noticing you. He's having fun with the family. He's getting comfortable with the family.
But yes, your right, the OW IS an addiction. It won't last though. And if you can continue being this strong, leadby Christ, woman, you WILL win this. You have done so wonderful thru this. You HAVE been strong, and it is from our Lord that you have this strength. This consistency that you have, is going to help you win quicker than others.
Remember, don't let this affect you. Show him on these last days, just what he's going to be missing. I really can't think of anything that you could have done better.
Hi SMW
Hang in there and be strong. Keep turning it all over to the Lord. ((((SMW)))). I'll be praying.
{{{{{Jeff, hope, ST, and Tomato}}}}}
I will be back in later on this morning to update the rest of my trip, the playset raising party, and yesterday's visitation. I will be honest, I feel like a kid on summer vacation too, and since I go to school online, I was enjoying a much needed break.
DO NOT WORRY--Satan did NOT steal my joy and my resolve was strengthened. I know many people, seeing what I saw, would have immediately quit--thinking why bother? I went to bed and prayed for strength and forgiveness--forgiveness for me, my H and the OW.
Need to do breakfasts, take D5 to summer camp, and I see my C at 11. No tailspin, just reaffirmation.
Be back this afternoon!
SMW
Hey SMW,
I appreciate that. I really do.
Thinking of you SMW. I actually found a secret phone H had just for his texts/calls to OW. I read 300 messages between the two of them. It still haunts me and I compare his actions with me to the things he said to ow. Calling her beautiful, sexy, etc. I understand how much it hurts. If I could go back I wouldn't read them, but like you, it's too late, we know what we know...
Any way, it doesn't have to mean anything in the long run. It just means in this moment he is having lots of contact with her. I found out recently with my H the increased contact in late spring was mostly arguments. So even though they talk a lot you don't know how much is positive...
Sorry so long winded. Just wanted you to know I am here for you!
I am sorry you got to see that. I am sorry for the pain you must feel. Stay strong, usually even if we know what is going on it really hits us when we get hard proof. It's just another bump. Don't lose focus, you fight for what you think is worth your efforts. Your family is.
Love
K
((((((SMW)))))),
thinking of you!
Mysterious appearance by the wayward husband! News flash this evening after dinner----no time to post everything now!
SMW
SMW,
I am so sorry to hear about the snooping....it is very difficult to stay away. I still fight today to not snoop. I was at her office one day and I had access to her phone bills but did not look. The only outcome would have been negative. Still it took all of my will to not sneek a peak.
You are one strong woman to have seen the bill and kept it together. Addiction or not it still pains me to read this stuff. Keep working at your goal...whatever it may be. I really believe that the most important thing for all of us regardless of where we are in our sitches is to get to a place where WE are content and not becasue of what our spouses do or don't do.
Stay strong!
J210
Post soon--S2 thinks sleep is optional this evening!
SMW
(((((SMW)))))
I'm sorry you had to see that!
I'm glad your in-laws are so supportive of you. That's really encouraging!
Have fun at the beach! Don't burn!
Jeff-we ended up not going to the beach. the red flags were out--no swimming due to rip currents. Took the kids to the pool instead and they had a blast!
I did get a little bit of a sunburn, but not too terrible.
The visit with my inlaws went well and some things got out that needed to be said. I will talk about it in depth in the morning. I have been fighting to keep kiddos in bed for the better part of 3 hours. The girls finally crashed about an hour ago, but S2 is still going strong!
SMW
boy, I remember the s2 times. okay, well it's still going on and he's 4 now. Dang, I need to get consistent. I could DB with my hubby, but I can't with my kids!
SMW, I'm so glad to hear you won't let the enemy rob you of your faith or fight. You are a great example for everyone on here!
Hi SMW--
Have not posted much to your thread, but I have been following. The one thing I like about your sitch is that you asked your H to move (I think I am correct on this one). I also asked my H to move. I find that very few on this board have asked their spouses to move. I always feel like I can relate to you a little more because of that. Also, you like myself were hoping that a move would help your H come to his senses, instead it looks like he stayed gone as did my H.
Yes, I did ask him to leave, but it was only for one night while he cooled down from a fight we were having. Itold him we needed to talk things out in order for him to come home and he was not willing to do that. I have, since going back to church and praying on my situation, changed my position on this to some extent. I don't know that I was hoping it would bring him to his senses, I think I just wanted to diffuse the tensions from the constant fighting.
First off I think that looking at the caller ID and noticing how you look is a good sign. My H has recently started doing that. I think it keeps them wondering and not only that I think it is a way for them to see where they stand because at some point they do want to come back. Could be my wishful thinking. Could just be about control. Men like doing their dirt, but GOD forbid you, the mother of their children engage in the same thing. I would look at is a positive. The fact that he is lingering longer is also a testament to him at least missing life with you.
I was talking with someoen who knows the situation and is right here. She expressed much of the same things you said. On thing she hit on is that he comes to see the kids and does not take them elsewhere--instead choosing to have visitation here at the house. While here, we often cook together, he does little thngs around the house, etc. She agrees--he is trying to figure out the best way to come home.
Prayer works. I am not the most religious person, but GOD has a way of getting you through when you let him handle it. I can't explain it, but that peaceful feeling that you talked about is a sign that GOD is on the case. The last few weeks I was having a really hard time, I gave it GOD and for whatever reason I am not as sad, or as frantic. I have this tremendous sense that it will be OK.
I know that all things are in God's hands. I know that God will provide restoration, in his time. I continue to work on being the wife my husband needs, while God works on restoring the husband I deseve to me. I am learning incredible patience through this, something that was in short supply for me before. maybe that was part of what God was trying to have me learn through my test?
About thosse phone calls, I hate that you had to see those. Snooping never turns out well. One verse that I ran across says "dont fret, it leads only to evil." Don't fret over these calls. Think of OW as a virus that you have to let run it's course.
I consider her a symptom of my husband's problem--whether it be depression or a MLC.
Also, I think 34 is a difficult age for many men. They come to the realiztation that they are not getting any younger and they finally have to grow up and that people are actually counting on them. It freaks them out and makes them do some goofy things.
I think that this age group--mid 30's, is becoming the new age of MLC. Wit the advances we have experineced in society, everything is happening earlier in people's lives than it has in the past. It is certainly not farfetched to think that mental crises that are triggered by acertain age would also happen sooner.
Hang in there and keep saying those prayers.
Not a problem! I am working on getting more organized so I can pray more often durign the day. I am getting better at it and it is coming, in its own time.
SMW
oh, I'm glad I got here when I did. I've been out of town, and now trying to catch up.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let this new information change the way you've been.
NOT a problem! I did not go into a tailspin, although I did cry thorugh my prayers taht night. There was almost a sense of desperation that I needed to step thngs up, as Satan is working even harder to knock me off my path. Too bad for him, it did not work!
A very similar thing happened to me too. I really thought H was thinking about me, noticing me, enjoying the kids more, etc and that things would be saved, until I had to use his phone and snooped and saw a text he wrote while with me at his cousin's wedding "you are so gorgeous...blah blah blah" I was totally devastated and sick and gave him his phone like nothing was wrong and went to my car and cried and read the bible. I came back acting as if as best as I could.
What I got from this was this.
I KNEW that I still had a lot more work to do. I knew my struggle was not over, and I was put back into perspective. I know that snooping isn't always a good thing, but for those of us who can be strong and have God as their strength, we can use it for good.
Thank you for this ST! I know that it must be difficult for you to rehash what happened with you and your H, and I appreciate every tidbit you share. I did use this revelation for strength and reaffirmation to amp up the volume on my prayers. Obviously, if Satan is going to throw something like that at me, I am making an impact somewhere. He also has not been paying close attention to what I am doing, otherwise he would have realized I have grown far past the point where this would slam me back into the scared, desparate woman I was when I first found this forum.
I KNOW that your H is thinking about things and he's getting confused. This is a good thing. He's noticing you. He's having fun with the family. He's getting comfortable with the family.
I KNOW that this is happening. I feel it and sense it whenever we are together.
But yes, your right, the OW IS an addiction. It won't last though. And if you can continue being this strong, leadby Christ, woman, you WILL win this. You have done so wonderful thru this. You HAVE been strong, and it is from our Lord that you have this strength. This consistency that you have, is going to help you win quicker than others.
I am seeing this large quantity of calls as someone's desperate attempt to hang onto something that is not real. We never want to give up our fantasies, but at some point, they outlive their usefulness in our lives. I am so glad you see me as strong and Christ-led. This is what I am striving to be in my life--to live a life that honors Him and will use my marriage restoration to exalt His glory, as that restoration will be because He is fulfilling the promises that he has given us in His Word.
Remember, don't let this affect you. Show him on these last days, just what he's going to be missing. I really can't think of anything that you could have done better.
We are having a family dinner here tomorrow night-his B and SIL will be joining us. I will drive him to the pier afterwards so he can be on the ship to deploy Friday morning and I will ahve th cheaper car to drive while he is gone. He will be gone three weeks and I want his last memories with the kids and I to be positive and full of the love that has always been there when he has left in the past.
I feel I am on the right track and it is good to know that others also see it, that it is not an illusion I have created in my own mind!
SMW
Hi SMW
Hang in there and be strong. Keep turning it all over to the Lord. ((((SMW)))). I'll be praying.
Thanks T!! I know that you are and I am thankful for it. Glad things are "interesting" in your sitch!
SMW
Hey SMW,
I appreciate that. I really do.
It was from the heart Mike and I am glad it comforted you.
SMW
Hey SMW
Nice to see you. Thx for responding. Hope you are having a nice day.
Last night was "just what the doctor ordered", for me and my darling. I felt young again.
Thinking of you SMW. I actually found a secret phone H had just for his texts/calls to OW. I read 300 messages between the two of them. It still haunts me and I compare his actions with me to the things he said to ow. Calling her beautiful, sexy, etc. I understand how much it hurts. If I could go back I wouldn't read them, but like you, it's too late, we know what we know...
Any way, it doesn't have to mean anything in the long run. It just means in this moment he is having lots of contact with her. I found out recently with my H the increased contact in late spring was mostly arguments. So even though they talk a lot you don't know how much is positive...
Sorry so long winded. Just wanted you to know I am here for you!
BBj--
I am already past the initial shock of the discovery. I am glad that I have not had to see any actual communication from him to her, just those two instant messages I found that comprised the initial bomb. I think seeing more would have destroyed me.
For someone to have that much contact with another person, especially my H who HATES talking on the phone, I know that there has got to be something working behind the scenes. I HAVE to believe that God and Satan are tussling over the situation, and we KNOW who always wins in that battle!
Patience, Patience, Patience--It has become a mantra.
I am glad that I have everyone here. It is kind of a good thing, as you guys do not know him and will not be in the position of forced to forgive him when he comes home--like our RL friends.
SMW
I am sorry you got to see that. I am sorry for the pain you must feel. Stay strong, usually even if we know what is going on it really hits us when we get hard proof. It's just another bump. Don't lose focus, you fight for what you think is worth your efforts. Your family is.
Love
K
{{{{{K}}}}}
Hon, thanks for popping in to see me! I believe the whole shebang is worth every effort, as did you--you would not have fought as long or as hard as you did, if you ahd not believed that. My strength is in the Lord and I take comfort in the knowledge that He is there to support me when I feel the burden is to hard.
SMW
((((((SMW)))))),
thinking of you!
{{{{{Stella}}}}}
AS I do of you! Thanks for being there for me--and get your butt home and stomp on that darn spider!!!
SMW
My strength is in the Lord and I take comfort in the knowledge that He is there to support me when I feel the burden is to hard.
SMW
How outstanding. What a comfort He is in our daily lives.
SMW,
I am so sorry to hear about the snooping....it is very difficult to stay away. I still fight today to not snoop. I was at her office one day and I had access to her phone bills but did not look. The only outcome would have been negative. Still it took all of my will to not sneek a peak.
You are one strong woman to have seen the bill and kept it together. Addiction or not it still pains me to read this stuff. Keep working at your goal...whatever it may be. I really believe that the most important thing for all of us regardless of where we are in our sitches is to get to a place where WE are content and not becasue of what our spouses do or don't do.
Stay strong!
J210
John
My goal is full restoration of my marriage. I am so glad that I have found DB and my way back to church. oth of these occurences have helped me in more ways than I can ever enumerate.
have to be honest, I usrprised my self at how well I ahve maintained i nthe face of what I found. I made it through an entire day of my visit with H's parents, then Sunday with the WHOLE family there. Of course, in between both of those events, I went to church and my pastor and I prayed together after services for me to let my anger and disappointment go and find the unconditional love that will allow me to continue my stand. I was at peace when I got home and knew thatthings would go well. They did.
Thanks for your support. Honestly, I have to attribute my strength to my faith, not to any great thing in me.
SMW
(((SMW)))
You are strong & amazing.
(((((SMW))))),
You ARE amazing and an inspiration! I'm learning from you, my dear friend.
I'm happy to hear that both events went well, your H's parents sound very supportive of you. Tell us the details when you have a spare minute.
((((((HUGS))))))
WOW!!
To be told I am amazing in back to back posts by two women I really admire is just--WOW! Thanks SC and Stella!
On Saturday, the surf was too rough and the red flags were out when we got up. We decided to just take the kids over to the pool again, instead. They loved it and spent several hours being the little fish they are.
My MIL and I sat and talked for quite a bit, something that has not really happened for us before. I am feeling like either I am not so defensive around her or she has softened toward me. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I just know that the two of us enjoyed several conversations on a variety of topics. Of course for her, her biggest fear right now is what is going on in the Middle East and she has two sons in the service. They are her only children. Talks about H were limited to what I know about the deployment and talking about past deployments. I knew she would not get into any of the other stuff.
My FIL, however, was a different story. Dad and I did not really talk until we got back from the pool. S2 was exhausted, so I put him down for a nap, and the girls were playing with the Wii. MIL was getting sides ready to go with dinner and pretty much left FIL and I out on the patio by ourselves. In retrospect, I think it was on purpose.
Dad and I talked about nothing in particular, really, other than the fact that money is tight and the gas prices were not helping it. He asked when my car would be paid off, I told him about a year to 18 months. Said that was good, it would free up more money for the house. Told him payng it off would be good, but it needed work and I was not getting any help achieving that.
He asked what was wrong, told him I need an oil change, two rear tires, and the brakes started squealing a bit last week--however that may be from driving in all the rain, too, since I have not heard it since. He asked if H knew all this, I said all but the brakes--the oil change has been needed since right after H got home, the tires he knew about and were supposed to be done with the income tax return--instead I fixed the exhaust on his car so it would pass inspection. Then, it was supposed to come out of the stimulus--those who read my threads know what happened with that. He said that my not having a safe, operational vehicle was unacceptable and he would talk to H about it. I told him I hoped H would listen, but I did not expect him to. Dad said it was H's responsibility to make sure it was done.
I told him about H keeping $70-80 a payday for himself but only giving me $150-200 for me and the four kids. I asked how do you justify that, FIL said there is no justification and he is disappointed in his son. I told him I had papers drafted for Temp. Order of Support and Custody, but that I did not want to force H's hand like that. I drafted them myself and they are legal once filed. Thank goodness for my schooling so I did not need to pay an attorney for it. FIL sad doing that may prompt H to file a a bankruptcy to get out from under all of his other bills, and may cause me to lose the car. I said I know and that is why I have not done anythign and just managed. Also, a bankruptcy would be detrimental--big time--to his making advancement. Even if he made it and H filed bankruptcy after, they could pull it.
I told him I know that money is tight but there are some things I just cannot make do on--school supplies, the kids' shoes, etc. FIL told me not to worry about it, when the time comes it will be taken care of. I told him that was all fine and good, but that right now he does not want responsibilities, he does not want to be a husband or a father. FIL said seems to him H does not want to be a grown-up.
I got upset, and started to tear up a bit. My FIL says he has tried to talk to H but H has shut him out. H told his dad that he could never understand what he is going through. MY FIL said he feels like H is in some sort of a crisis. I told him about my IC's and my theory on H and the "perfect storm of events". FIL agreed with what we were saying and said he had seen it happen many times over the years with men he had served with when he was in the Navy still.
My FIL gave me a hug and told me he just wanted things back to where they were before and said he saw deployment as an opportunity for that to happen--that the distance would give clarity. I told him I hoped he would at least miss his kids, since H rarely calls them. This was my only reference to the phone. FIL said he knows EXACTLY how much time H spends on the phone and with who. So, they know, and are obviously not thrilled about it.
The rest of the evening went well. We ate dinner, sat and chatted about dinner for Sunday, since they were coming to my house to put up the playset. FIL told me to keep it simple and to not go spending a bunch of money on things. Told him not a problem, I have been stocking my freezer on good weeks to prepare for bad ones. The kids and I left around 7 to drive back home. H did not call them at all on Friday or Saturday, and my FIL made a comment about that, too.
I need to go mow my lawn, will be back in later to post about Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.
SMW
Well, ran to three stores and cut the grass. Weedwhacker is being difficult. The cord sucked back in and I cannot get it open to fix it. Screw it, at least the grass looks good! I will ask H to take a look at it when he gets here
Need to go get a turkey in the oven, take a shower, and finish the laundry that is all over my family room.
I will post later about the other stuff. Just checking in to see how everyone is.
I have a question, too, and am looking for some feedback about how to handle driving H to the pier this evening. I will be taking him by myself and am not sure if I should give him a hug when he gets out of the car. I am not sure what to say, anything!!! UGH Feedback, please!!!!
SMW
If you feel like hugging, I say hug him.
Good to know you have the support of your in-laws. Mine have been behind me 100% and totally ashamed of what their son had become...
Anyway it must not be that hot if you can put a turkey in the oven today! We are hitting McDonalds as it is 90 and I have been out mowing again.
Thinking of you!
She said that she admires my strength in my stand--told her not to give me too much credit, I still have days where I am literally begging God for the strength to see me through a challenge. I am still dealing with my quick temper with the kids and that is being complicated by having to deal with them completely by myself all the time.
When does the LBS with the kids get to have a break? H cannot take the kids overnight--he has no place to take them. I have to manipulate a sitter to get any type fo a reprieve, and then I usually have the kids split up between a couple of houses. Lets be honest, four kids--well technically three--are a handful for anyone to take on.
I was just reading your latest thread and picked up on this post. I know it's not the latest, but I'm not there yet.
I just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you're doing very well! The sitch you are in totally sucks and I can remember being right where you are! I prayed constantly. It is so hard to keep this in mind, but if you can just always remember that God has a plan and we just don't know what it is yet. I told myself over & over again that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and no matter how it played out, God knew what He was doing. My H and I are together and I am thankful every day that we went through what we did so I am thankful just for the little things. Unfortunately, sometimes, until we go through these kinds of things, we kind of take our marriage etc. for granted. I make sure I don't ever do that again and it's partially b/c of what we went through that I don't.
Also, as far as the kids go, it's always tough when there are multiple children and young ones at that! I had my 3 boys, 8, 3 & 2, while H was deployed for a year and know exactly how you are feeling all of a sudden being a "single mom."
Well, it is probably pushing 90, BBj, but I have the A/C on and my kitchen stays pretty cool.
I have already got the stuffing in the pan to go in the oven, boiled the sweet potatoes, white potatoes are cut for mashed, baked a cake, finished 4 loads of laundry, picked up the entire house, boiled a gallon of tea, and mopped the kitchen--all since my last post. I am spray treating another load of laundry, then need to make the glaze for the sweet potatoes.
H got here around 1:30. He took D16 out to get a new ID card. He said he needs some info from me to finish up his security clearance stuff--like my ss# and the city I was born in. He siad he was not sure about the city and wanted to check before he entered it--he had it right. I teased him about my ss#. Asked him why he did not know mine, since I know his--we both started laughing, as everything I have to do for our medical, the miliatry forms, etc. ALL require his social. I have had it memorized since before we were married.
Alright, enough playing I got to get back to work. I will be in tonight after I drop him off. I think I will go for the hug!
SMW
Go for the hug. Do it! Sounds like Thanksgiving at your house. Way better than my mcdonalds....
BobbiJo--
I did not have to go for the hug. Wanna know why? Huh? huh??
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BECAUSE HE GAVE ME ONE VOLUNTARILY!!!!!!!
SMW
Alright, now that i have let the really good part of my day out of the bag, I will get back to filling everyone in on what has happened the past couple of days.
SUNDAY
We left for church at 8:45 and passed H on his way to the house. When we got home, H, BIL and FIL were out back working on building the playset. It is one of those big wood ones you get at Home Depot. Folded on the sofa was the load of towels I threw in the dryer before I went to the OBX. I turned around and asked D16 and her friends of they had folded them before church. Both said no. I walked out back and got a hug from BIL and FIL. I asked H if he had folded the towels, said yes, he hoped I didn't mind but he had needed to throw some clothes in the wash. I said no, it was fine and I appreciated him folding the towels.
Told the guys I was going to head in the house and finish getting things together for dinner. I still needed to make potato salad, deviled eggs, and parboil chicken to go on the grill later. I just kind of putzed around the house doing not much of anything, other than keeping the kids out of the guys' hair. I did fold H's laundry when it came out of the dryer and hung his uniform so it did not get too wrinkled. seemed like the right thing to do.
Nothing really exciting happened all day, just a comfortable family day with all of us there. MY MIL made a comment while we were eating about how nice it was to have everyone together before H left. She was tactful enough not to mention that BIL ahs been home from deployment for over a month and a half and it should have happened sooner. Remarkable restraint on her part, trust me!
H hung around a littel past 8, but said he needed to get back to the ship--hewas exhausted and 4:30 comes early to get up. I told him to sleep well and we would see him the next day. reminded him of D16's job interview that he had offered to drive her to, he said no problem he would be here in plenty of time.
So that was Sunday.
SMW
Thanks for the hug {{{{Jeff}}}}!
I have to be honest though, the one from H was better! It is the first time he has hugged me voluntarily since I flew to Michigan. Then, he hugged me when I got of the plane. Everything I got after that point I had to ask for--when my grandmother was dying, when D16 and D5 were in the hospital.
SMW
He's going to miss you....
Monday--
H got here around 3, D's interview was at 4. Since he was taking D16 to the mall for her interview, I figured he would be gone for at least an hour and cooking dinner would be rought. Also, since he offered to come over early and do it so I would not have to load all the kids up to take her, I figured the least I could do was take care of supper. Back to the exchange of favors, you know?
I told him I had pulled out some sirloins and marianted them for the grill. It was raining, but he said it was really tapering off, he would grill them when he got back. I also made some suggestions for side dishes, he said anything was fine and thanks for getting dinner together. I told him it was nothing, and that I really aprreciated him taking D16 to the mall. H also wanted to know was I going to be eating with them. Said there was enough,if it was not a problem. H said it was not, he just did not know if I had plans. Told him no, I did not feel like going out that night.
It was also just another pleasant evening, talking about nothing in particular and very comfortable. My goal for this week was to keep things upbeat and friendly, while making sure there was a lot of family time. I wanted the last memories he had of the kdis and I to be all happy, family thoughts before he left for 3 weeks. I think I succeeded.
Tuesday, he showed up out of the blue--no phone call nothing! More on that in a second, I need something to drink, I am out of iced tea in my glass.
SMW
He's going to miss you....
From your mouth to God's ears and H's heart is all I can hope for!
SMW
Tuesday, I was running around all day long. I got up, took D5 to camp, came back and made breakfast, had an IC appointment, got home in enough ime to go to the bathroom, picked D5 up from camp, took a Pampered Chef catalog to a friend, picked up Krispy Kreme, and stopped by another store for bread. I got home at 10 minutes to 2. I was changing S2, when I hear a tap on the front door, it opens, and H yells hello upthe stairs. Needless to say, since I did not know he was coming, I was a little, no scratch that ALOT flustered.
H was in the process of renewing his security clearance and needed his birth certificate. He also wanted to know if I could help him come up with five references that "we" have known for at least 7 years. The spiteful part of me wanted to say--Guess the OW could not help with that, huh? BUT I bit my tongue, silently rebuked myself, and started looking for my keys to the file cabinet to get his birth certificate out. While we were doing that, I rattled off five quick references and made some calls to get full addresses for them.
H said he wished he could log in from here to finish his forms, but was sure he could not. Said he would bring back his birth certificate and letter of naturalization when he came over on Thursday, that they would be safer here with me. Again, I ahd to bite my tongue, chastise my self, and pray to God to be still. I told him that was fine.
On Sunday, while BIL and SIL were still here, we decided to have a family dinner on Thursday, they would join me, H, and the kids so we could hang out before H left. I reminded H of that. I also asked if there was paperwork he could get me to get D16 a new ID card. H said, "damn I forgot to take her out there!" He called the base, got the hours for the ID office, and made plans to pick D16 up after tutoring to take her out for it. All told, H was here for about an hour and a half--even though it only took us about 15 minutes to take care of what he needed. He talked about nothing in particular, jsut a few things about the deployment, etc.
And that brings us up to tonight!
SMW
Go for the hug. Do it! Sounds like Thanksgiving at your house. Way better than my mcdonalds....
It kind of was. There is just something about cooking a turkey that it almost calls for all those traditional sides, doesn't it???
As for McDonalds, I rarely eat that. I used to love big macs, but cannot even finish one anymore.
SMW
I know I bounced in and out throughtout the day, so you know about all the things I was doing around the house.
H and D16 got back and I was pretty much done with all the early prep for dinner. H got his trunks on and went out back with the little kids. When I went out for a cigarette, H got out of the pool and sat with me. He asked when BIL and SIL were coming over, I told him I expected them at any time. I sat for a few more minutes, then headed back inside. H asked if I needed any help, I told him no--enjoy the time with the kids.
SIL and BIL showed up and SIL came upstairs in the kitchen to chat with me while I finished everything up. Two of D16's friends showed up and they came up to say hi, too. Her guy friend is so funny--he is a huge flirt and keeps telling me when I finally come to my senses about H, he will be waiting for me. He started setting the table and asked was there anything he could do to help, as he is pulling serving dishes out of my hands. I love this kid!!
Dinner was great, with BIL, SIL AND H all talking about how good everything was. Told H I wanted to make sure he had a decent meal before he had to live on boat food for three weeks straight. Said he appreciated it and everything was delicious. He leped clear the table, made us both a cup of coffee and carried mine downstairs for me--I hate to walk down the stairs carrying a coffee cup and I do not know why! We all sat outside, talked about the chief's results coming out soon, the tensions with Iran in the Gulf, adn any number of other things. Apparently there is an English carrier that is going to play war games with them this coming week. H and his brother were talking about all the English sailors running around the base.
H mentioned he did not want to leave too late, I told him no, that was fine, but I did want to give the kids their baths and get them to bed before we did, so D16 did not have to deal with it. He said that was fine, he just meant he wanted to get out to the base well before midnight. He just kind of laid and watched TV with the little kids for a bit, while I sat on the sofa and watched him.
I asked H if he wanted to give the kids their baths and he said yes--and acted like I was giving him a huge gift. He fed them dessert, gave them baths, and sent them down to give me goodnight kisses. D5 asked if we could say her prayers. I said yes, but didn't she want Daddy to hear them? She said no, he was not ready for them yet. She prays nightly for her dad to know that we love him, God loves him, that God will put the right choices in his heart and that he will come home. We said her prayers and she went back upstairs. I headed up a few minutes later to see that S2 was already crashed. H was finishing up stories with D5.
We left about 9:15 to head to the pier. H called his dad on the way out and I was glad--I was not sure what I was going to talk about on the drive.
We were almost to the gate by the time H hung up. He showed me the English carrier, and pulled up in an area where we could swap out for me to drive. I got out and walked around the car. H put his carry bag over his shoulder and came over to give me a hug.
He told me to take care. I told him to be safe and careful, that we would be waiting for him when he came home.
How did I do?? Do you think I put him in the right frame of mind to get on the ship for three weeks?
SMW
SMW,
You did great! I was reading along like it was a novel. Beautiful, no pressure , you gave him his spsce with the kids, you prepared a nice meal and he reciprocated by little things like the cup of coffee. Thre nice hug and the we will be waiting for you.....very nice. I hope he uses the three weeks away to think about the relationship a little.....i bet he was thinking about it all night.
j210
I bet that 16 yr. old was also thinking about you! That has to be good for your ego. Be careful, he knows your H is away, he may make a pass at you ;-)
John--
I hope he does think about it, even a little. He is a DAM though,so we cannot have expectations. I am glad to know that otehrs see it as no pressure. When you are sitting in the middle, it is sometimes hard to tell. I was pretty sure I succeeded on that, though, when H hugged me.
The F16 is a good kid and harmless. He and his girlfriend were still here when I got home last night. The first thing he asked was if H gave me a hug and kiss like I deserved. They are coming over today to help with yard work. I appreciate the help so much and will feed them lunch for their troubles!
I will be in later. Off to buy bagels.
SMW
((((((((SMW)))))))),
yes, you did everything beautifully - lots of understanding and love and no pressure at all, great!
I LOVED that he brought you coffee, hug also sounds very nice
!
Enjoy your bagels :)!
{{{{{Stella}}}}}
That hug is going to sustain me for the next three weeks! LOL
The bagels were delicious, thanks. Sitting here shelling purple-hull peas so I can freeze them. Lets me see what you guys are up to, floating through the threads, while looking productive at the same time!
LOL
SMW
Great job HON!!! Great!!!
As always, if I may say so. I missed you. I am sorry I haven't been around. This virus has been torturing me...
I hope the next 3 weeks are easy on you. I will also pray (in Greek) that your H finds himself during these 3 weeks and comes back only to make that dream of yours true...
Love
K
hey, just wanted to mention first.
on the payment he's giving...I don't know what courts say is fair, but he's giving 28-46%. Now, I don't agree with 46, but I don't think it should be less than 28. or am I wrong on that?
Also, great job on biting your tongue those couple of times. Be thankful for him coming to you and not trying to avoid the house right?!
I think you did a great job on the goodbyes.
NOW, IMHO, I think you could actually utilize this time well. I'm hoping that your H will give you a call and give you this opportunity. IMHO, I think you need to start giving your H a idea that you are turned on by him him. I really feel that this had a good impact on my R with my H. the crazy thing, I WAS totally turned on by him (had to of been the "you want what you can't have" thing) and it was darn easy for me to act like it. I think just saying subtle things like, you know I never told you, but you looked really good out there swimming... or just anything. This was around the time when I would text sexy pics of me to my H. It was a big 180 for me, and it was showing him my confidence in myself that I had lacked for so many years.
What about you? Did you have any confidence issues in the last couple years? Did you initiate? Were you playful in a sexual/flirty way with H? I think when he comes back, it will be a good time to start that. what do you think?
on the payment he's giving...I don't know what courts say is fair, but he's giving 28-46%. Now, I don't agree with 46, but I don't think it should be less than 28. or am I wrong on that?
The military says I am entitled to 65% of his pay. He is paying all the household bills. He gives me almost all that is left--I just do not get where he thinks that his split is fair for the kids. I am making ends meet, it is the extras that will kill me.
Also, great job on biting your tongue those couple of times. Be thankful for him coming to you and not trying to avoid the house right?!
I was proud of myself. I would just like to be able to get to the point that I do not have the smarta$$ comments even come into my mind. I know it will come in time, as I continue to move closer to God. H moving away from the OW and coming home will also help, I am sure.
I think you did a great job on the goodbyes.
Glad to hear it! It felt right.
NOW, IMHO, I think you could actually utilize this time well. I'm hoping that your H will give you a call and give you this opportunity. IMHO, I think you need to start giving your H a idea that you are turned on by him him. I really feel that this had a good impact on my R with my H. the crazy thing, I WAS totally turned on by him (had to of been the "you want what you can't have" thing) and it was darn easy for me to act like it. I think just saying subtle things like, you know I never told you, but you looked really good out there swimming... or just anything. This was around the time when I would text sexy pics of me to my H. It was a big 180 for me, and it was showing him my confidence in myself that I had lacked for so many years.
What about you? Did you have any confidence issues in the last couple years? Did you initiate? Were you playful in a sexual/flirty way with H? I think when he comes back, it will be a good time to start that. what do you think?
I hope he is able to call, but it is very possible he will not. I do not think I could pull it off via email--too much left to chance or misinterpretation. I have always had a lot of confidence in that area--at least with my husband. I am pretty good with innuendo and banter. I am not sure I am ready for it and I am feeling like H may not take it well. I guess I will have to watch and evaluate the situation as we spend time together. I keep praying for more time together--both as a family and us alone.
Thanks for the positive strokes!
SMW
Great job HON!!! Great!!!
As always, if I may say so. I missed you. I am sorry I haven't been around. This virus has been torturing me...
I hope the next 3 weeks are easy on you. I will also pray (in Greek) that your H finds himself during these 3 weeks and comes back only to make that dream of yours true...
Love
K
I understand you are sick, Hon! I am glad you are starting to feel better. Luckily I am equipped to handle deployment separations, so it will not be too bad, other than missing my husband--which I always do when he is gone, anyway.
Thank you for your prayers! I am sure Greek prayers are melodic and heck, the original bibles were written in Aramaic and Greek, so the language is more familiar to God's ears, right? I am hopeful for a turnaround in H's attitude.
Feel better, my friend!
SMW
I am off to pick blueberries with D8 and my mom. We are going to can and freeze them. I am getting hungry just thinking about blueberry muffins and blueberry pancakes! YUMMY!!! Oh, I have a blueberry buckle recipe, too!
We are also going to check out a couple of the roadside fish sellers. Mom said something about a crab boil this evening, and that would be awesome!
I have not recieved any emails from H yet and honestly did not expect to. Should I sendhim one. Just something Chatty telling him what the kids are doing? I am thinking no, that I should give him a good few days to think about what he is missig out on when he is not here and not communicating. Anyone agree or disagree?
Alright, I will see ya'll later!
Smooches!
SMW
I have not recieved any emails from H yet and honestly did not expect to. Should I sendhim one. Just something Chatty telling him what the kids are doing? I am thinking no, that I should give him a good few days to think about what he is missig out on when he is not here and not communicating. Anyone agree or disagree?
I definitely agree. Let him start missing you guys!
mmmmmm..... blueberry muffins... yammy
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((((((((SMW))))))))
Stella--
Thanks for the advice. I will think of you when I start baking later and send some virtual goodies to everyone.
Okay, so no emails out until I get one in. I can do that!
later taters!
SMW
Packaged all of my fruits and veggies for the freezer this afternoon.
Was feeling kind of lazy this evening and really did not want to do anything. I am also starting to get tired, probably from all the sun today, so I think I am going to have a (well atleast for me) early night and try to get some sleep. I am thinking if I stick to GALs that involve lots of outside busy activity, I will be all set--I will lose more weight, get a tan, and sleep better from the exercise and fresh air! LOL
I am loving driving H's car--it helps me act as if he is just on a regular deployment, instead of the temporary current living conditions. I am sure Monday is going to be rough, when he would normally be here for visitation. I am going to prayer group at church and I know that will help.
Night all, see you tomorrow.
Smooches!
SMW
Packaged all of my fruits and veggies for the freezer this afternoon.
Was feeling kind of lazy this evening and really did not want to do anything. I am also starting to get tired, probably from all the sun today, so I think I am going to have a (well atleast for me) early night and try to get some sleep. I am thinking if I stick to GALs that involve lots of outside busy activity, I will be all set--I will lose more weight, get a tan, and sleep better from the exercise and fresh air! LOL
I am loving driving H's car--it helps me act as if he is just on a regular deployment, instead of the temporary current living conditions. I am sure Monday is going to be rough, when he would normally be here for visitation. I am going to prayer group at church and I know that will help.
Night all, see you tomorrow.
Smooches!
SMW
SMW...
Couldn't agree more, being outside doing whatever helps. Nothing like sweatin out the pent up frustration & emotions to cleanse ones mind and free the thoughts that ravage us here on a daily basis...
Sleep well
Brian
oops. I messed up. I meant he's KEEPING 26-46%, not GIVING. He's giving between 74% to 54%.
On the email. I think either choice will work. Sending him something, if it is short and cute, will just show him he has love at home. Not sending, will give him space and make him wonder. So, either way I think is good for your sitch.
From what you have told us in the last few weeks, I think your H would take "ego strokes" & flirting well. But whenever your ready.
Journaling--
I am having an off day today. Not really sure what is triggering it. That is not true, I do know what it is. The ship left Friday, it is now Sunday, and of course we have not heard anything from H--not a single email. The general consesus is that I am not to email him unless he emails me first. Which is great, but I am thinking that I need to start typing a letter in word of all the stuff the kids are doing, jsut so I can remember everything that is going on.
I ALWAYS hated the first few days of any deployment. I have to get the kids focused and settled over the fact that daddy is not here and won't be for a while, I miss the back-up parent for when I am juggling too many balls at one time, and I miss having a awarm body next to me at 3am. Well, heck, then why am I missing him like always if I have done without all of that stuff for the past 3 1/2 months????
Don't get me wrong, I am still feeling a warm fuzzy from teh pierside hug, but the mind meanines creep in and remind me of all the past separations--intimacy before we left teh house, sitting in the car talking as long as possible because we did not want to be apart, and then the long kiss and hug before he sadly walked away. The only problem is, right now, only one of us remembers these memories. Okay, so I am making assumptions on whether or not he remembers them.
Pastor's sermon today was on living whole in a broken society. He touched on the unprecedented acceptance of infidelity and divorce, even within the body of the church. Said that even in the church, all too often in the name of donations, pastors and spiritual leaders are afraid to call a spade a spade--they might offend the wrong person with the right amount of money. That is the gist of it, but I tell you what, that man is one heck of a preacher, and I am so glad to be back in regular attendance at his church.
This is getting kind of long, but I want to journal a bit more on what I am beginning to feel is the unofficial definition of unconditional love and how it applies to a Christian marriage in crisis. I need something to drink and I will be right back.
SMW
Send the guy an email. It is deployment, they are supposed to get letters from home. Just talk about the kids, and the blueberries and the crabs, but send him something.
I have a great blueberry cobbler recipe. Do you have Krusteaz pancake mix there? I use that instead of the flour and baking powder, but I'll give you the recipe without the pancake mix.
Send the guy an email. It is deployment, they are supposed to get letters from home. Just talk about the kids, and the blueberries and the crabs, but send him something.
That is part of why I am up in the air about sending it, Sara. I know how important they are, but I feel like he needs to know what happens when you walk out on your family. The Christian part of me says to send it, but the selfish, worldly part that I still fight says tough luck. So, I guess I just answered my own question. I will send an email tomorrow.
I have a great blueberry cobbler recipe. Do you have Krusteaz pancake mix there? I use that instead of the flour and baking powder, but I'll give you the recipe without the pancake mix. [/quote] OOOHHHHH send me both recipes! I will use it either way. I buy Krusteaz in a BIG box from Sam's. My kids like it better than any other pancake mix.
SMW
Blueberry Cobbler
2 pints fresh blueberries
1 cup water
1/4 cup sugar
Boil above ingredients together for 5 minutes. Remove from heat.
Beat together:
1/4 cup softened butter
3/4 cup sugar
mix til smooth. Then add:
1 cup Krusteaz buttermilk pancake mix
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
Pour batter into large baking dish (11 1/2 x 7).
Spoon berries over the top using most of the juice. Dot with butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.
Bake at 375 for 35 to 40 minutes, top should be golden brown.
You can use the remaining juice when you serve it or as a syrup for pancakes.
(((SMW)))The hug at the pier sounded very special.
The Christian part of me says to send it, but the selfish, worldly part that I still fight says tough luck. So, I guess I just answered my own question. I will send an email tomorrow.
Good move. You'll never regret doing the right thing. I've been lurking and just needed to take a moment to tell you how much I admire your strength. God has truly blessed you with a special gift of faith! Peace.
Oh YUMMY, Sara. Now my mouth is watering for blueberry muffins! Peace.
Sara--
Thanks for the recipe! Guess what I am making tomorrow night?????
SMW
(((SMW)))The hug at the pier sounded very special.
The Christian part of me says to send it, but the selfish, worldly part that I still fight says tough luck. So, I guess I just answered my own question. I will send an email tomorrow.
Good move. You'll never regret doing the right thing. I've been lurking and just needed to take a moment to tell you how much I admire your strength. God has truly blessed you with a special gift of faith! Peace.
Goldey--
The hug at the pier probably meant more to me than it did to H, but so what, right?
You are right about not regreting the right thing. You know, shortly before H left, I found a quote that I wanted to post on my fridge. I might still put it there. It says
Do not live with regrets for the past. It was what you wanted at the time.
Thank you for the atta boy. I needed it tonight. I have put S2 back to bed too many times to count this evening and now I just do not have the energy left to post what I wanted to. I guess that will be tomorrow night's project.
Sleep well all, and I will see you tomorrow.
SMW
smw - lots of good signs. I'm glad for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you during H's deployment.
{{{{{G}}}}}
Thanks G!
I am going to post later on what I talked about last night. I am also going to post my email for review before I send it. For this morning, I am going to veg out outside and tan up a bit. I might even do some yard work in the process.
D16 saw me start typing the email and said I should not email him first---if we (meaning her and the other kids) were important enough to him, he would contact me to see how things were going and what everyone was up to. I am still shocked by how angry she is. She is in regular counseling. I hope she can start to resolve some of this anger that she is holding in. Her grandmother is taking her to her counseling appointments. I think that is the only person D16 is not mad at.
I will be in later! Smooches!
SMW
Had a good day today. Spent a few hours outsde with D5 and S2, until it just got to hot and humid to stay out any longer. then we jsut kind of vegged in teh livinh room. D8 is grounded to her room for the week for failing to keep it clean and for getting into D16's stuff. She won't clean it, then she can sit in her own mess.
I have not finished my email to H yet. I honestly have just been enjoying the time not having to think about anything too much. D16 and I cooked dinner together this evening, then I went to prayer group at church. We pray for each other and assorted needs throughout the church community.
I am going to get something to drink and then post a few things. I will be back in a bit.
SMW
(((((SMW)))))
I hope things keep going well. I think this time could really be useful. I think it might kind of turn down the pressure on both of you, for a bit. Hang in there!
Hi SMW
The more I think about that name you chose for yourself on here I am glad it is not applicable right now. You don't sound sad at all. Anyway Jesus does not let us stay sad for too long.
I endured another day of no contact from DD15. She seems to be giving me the brush off. I understand that this is normal for a teenager to act this way but the dynamic at work between her and I is quite a lot different than any ordinary father/daughter relationship. When I spent the w/e with her, over a week ago, she did try and tell me one morning that she wanted to just be friends and didn't feel so comfortable considering me to be her dad. I kind of refused to hear what she was saying cuz I didn't want to hear it. I told her that I already considered her to be one of my best friends but that I would always think of her as my daughter and that I love being her dad.
Christ is amazing. His love endures forever.
So my run upstairs for a drink turned into laying down on the sofa and falling asleep for several hours. I woke up at 3:45 am and just wanted to go to bed, where I could sleep comfortably.
I need to feed the kids and then I will come back. Good Morning everyone, the coffeee is fresh and there are bagels and danish on the counter!
SMW
Thanks Hon !!!!!
I am helping myself, hope you don't mind...
K
Hi SMW
I am pretty exhausted. The emotional strain and my slaving away on my car repairs instead of sleeping is really taking it's toll on me. Just wanted to say thanks for your friendship. It means a lot. Well, I need to go get that rest that I am so in need of. Satan prefers it when we are tired and can't think straight and discern his evil intentions. So off to bed I go. Keep turning your worries and troubles over to the Lord and be prayerful. Good night.
I was so busy outside yesterday that I really did not make it in here at all. I got all the hedges trimmed, the neglected flower beds weeded and cleaned out, all the edging done, powerwashed the porch, and vlew all the shreds off the driveway. After I took a shower, I fell asleep for a bit with a horrid headache from the sun--thank goodness for D16 to watch the other kids--she actually told me to lay down.
I am in veg mode today and tomorrow will tackle the backyard and mow. I may go out in the pool for a bit, too.
I will try to post some other thoughts later. I have not emailed H yet and have not heard from him, either. There may be a possibility that the email system is down on the ship, too. I am not sure and am trying to find out from some friends whose Hs are also on the ship.
Smooches!
SMW
{{{{{T}}}}}
I know what you mean about Satan taking advantage of us being tired. Your situation has imploded a bit the past couple of days. Rest in the strength of the Lord, my friend, and allow him to offer you the rest and comfort you are seeking.
The appreciation is mutual, rest assured in that.
SMW
I did not really do anything today, and yet I am exhausted!
I was wondering how much truth is there to someone using their preferred LL to express their feelings to their spouse? IF that is the case, I would have to say that my H's LL is a tie between Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. He always praised me in everything I did and would do anything to help out around the house.
Also, I had a thought today. When H was home at Christmas time to visit, he went out of his way to buy my Valentine's Day present before he flew back to MI on New Year's Day. He was already a month into his PA, two months into the EA aspect. Why did he bother, when in the past he has left the shopping to the last minute? By the way, I still have not opened it--it is sitting up in my closet. I was too upset to open it on V Day and too hurt still to open it when H got home.
I am having a hard time writing this email to H. Not that I do not want to do it, but that I find myself slipping into endearments and making assumptions about the future. It is something I was afraid of--that acting as if would become my reality, especially with him gone on deployment. It is easier to do now that we do not have continual contact. AARRGGHHH!!! I am so confused!
I keep handing the situation over to God but them go and retrieve it again to mll and ponder over more. I have also learned a valuable prayer lesson. God loves to test. When asking for help with something, be prepared for him to give you a way to exhibit that behavior, ratherr than just granting it! I asked for patience to deal with my kids and God has put me in many situations in the past couple weeks that force me to stretch the limits of what was my prior patience level. For example, today D5 and D8 were throwing blueberries into the hanging light in the dining room! IF that isn't geared as a test of patience, I do not know what is!!
I am going to bed and I will be up early in the morning. Night all and turn off the lights when you leave.
SMW
Hi ((((((((SMW)))))))))!
Also, I had a thought today. When H was home at Christmas time to visit, he went out of his way to buy my Valentine's Day present before he flew back to MI on New Year's Day. He was already a month into his PA, two months into the EA aspect. Why did he bother, when in the past he has left the shopping to the last minute? By the way, I still have not opened it--it is sitting up in my closet. I was too upset to open it on V Day and too hurt still to open it when H got home.
I don't know the answer, SMW, but my H has done the same thing, well, nearly the same. He came for Christmas with his present - a video camera, gorgeous, the one I always wanted - ready for me, something totally out of character. And he kept showering me with presents - not the the lovely thoughtful things I'm so used to, but expensive Gifts - throughout his PA. I hated these gifts with passion (even the camera!). May be as guilt creeps up on them, they are trying to "make it up" to us with presents? Silly DAM!
Anyway, SMW, I hope you feel better today. Today is another day!
BTW, you know - I love you, but I just had to laugh when I've read about blueberries!
((((((Hugs)))))) to you and your little ones.
Good Morning Stella! --well, almost afternoon.
I have been going since I got up. I am getting ready to do some sewing and had to go digging through the garage disaster to find the totes of fabric I moved from Michigan. HHMMMM found the box of wallpaper border, too, so that may also get done.
I have to beg my mom to come give me a hand, but I want to get some things done by next week, as the ship may be pulling in for two days, then pulling back out for a week. I want to keep up my GAL and I like to sew. Besides, he has complained in the past about my hobbies and how I get into them and then desert them. I will be starting to quilt again, too, but will wait on that until the kids go back to school.
I agree we never know why a DAM does what he does.
I am starting to get antsy about his promotion, too. We will find out sometime in the next two weeks if he was selected for advancement. If he is, it is big deal with a six week induction period and a big ceremony at the end. Prior to this mess, his dad and I were going to be the ones to pin him. My FIL said that WILL not change and he wil bring his son to Jesus to make sure he does the right thing. H has not told anyone on the ship that we are even separated, so I do not know how he could avoid having me and the kids at the ceremony. I do not want to even think about it too much until we know for sure. I get upset thinking about missing something that is so important and was always a goal we were working toward together.
Off to the preschool. I will be back in tonight.
SMW
Hi SMW
Glad to hear you are getting so much done. I am trying to push myself to get motivated to accomplish some things too. It is a pretty quiet existence for me now with no contact from either my darling or DD15. I will have to try to find the good in it. As you and I both know, the Lord always places his Goodness in everything. It is for us to discover it when it seems to be hiding.
Be Holy Spirit driven.
Hi Hon!!
You are keeping busy aren't you? With 4 kids and school I am amazed you even find time to do all these things and post here on top of everything...
Keep your strength intact (sp?). Hang in there. I know you are hurting, it will be fine in the end, you'll see. If you have to think about your sitch, think of happy endings, your dream, nice future moments, put your energy to work for the good, not for the bad. Dwelling over the past won't help you. DAMS act strangely when carrying guilt... Don't try to explain, focus on what you can do now.
Love
K
Our church has an active recording studio. Born out of that has sprung an urban ministry. This past weekend, they held a huge concert downtown. The older youth group has formed an urban dance team and they performed a routine to this song.
Tye Tribbett I Want It All BackAnd here is a link to the lyrics--
http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/tye_tr...ics_376755.htmlThis is how I am feeling right now. I am not sure what got me fired up this afternoon, but I am ABSOLUTELY NOT going to accept defeat and Satan WILL NOT steal my joy.
SMW
Hi Hon!!
You are keeping busy aren't you? With 4 kids and school I am amazed you even find time to do all these things and post here on top of everything...
Keep your strength intact (sp?). Hang in there. I know you are hurting, it will be fine in the end, you'll see. If you have to think about your sitch, think of happy endings, your dream, nice future moments, put your energy to work for the good, not for the bad. Dwelling over the past won't help you. DAMS act strangely when carrying guilt... Don't try to explain, focus on what you can do now.
Love
K
K--
I am finally on break from school, that is why I am getting so much other stuff done. I go back the day after the ship leaves for full deployment. All the girls will be in school at that point, too. The dream definitely keeps me going and my daily growing faith that God keeps his promises.
I do not think I would have even thought about the gift if I had not seen it up in the back of the closet. I am moving forward, through the valley and onto my dream waiting on the other side.
SMW
I just got an email from H!! It is not too exciting, but he did finally write. It is chatty and explains a bit about what he is doing. Says he is on night check and has He told the girls to behave and S2 that he was sorry he could not be here to balance the testosterone levels in the house. Asked if anything special was going on and if we had gotten any rain from the tropical storm that brushed the coast over the weekend.
NOW, here is the kicker. D16 is being tutored over the summer. Her tutor and I have developed a friendship and she is Christian. She and I talked today and I told her I was not ready to send the email, as I could not seem to get detached enough to write it. She told me to rest on it and we prayed together that God would show me the right thing to do and write. That was around 2, the email showed up about 4 hours later.
God is good, ALL the time!
SMW
God is good, ALL the time!
He sure is, isn't He!!
Good Morning everyone!
I have some energy this morning, so French toast, bacon, and sausage all around!
I have not emailed H yet. I am going to get with each of the kids separately and put i na small note from each of them, as wel las a quick one from me. I will post to you guys what I am going to send, for pre-approval, before I do.
BTW, D16 said that she doesn't feel like the email was for the kids, other than the couple sentences that were directed specifically to them. She said it seems like he is looking to talk to his wife, the woamn who has been involved in his career all along and understands what his job is. There were lots of references to past assignments and how this one is different, but not in a bad way. I guess we are working on the friendship part? It is nice, if that is the case. There was even a "Love" at the end, but I do not put too much stock in that since the intent was that the email was for all of us.
Alright, now that I have fed my "virtual family" I need to go feed the real one.
Smooches!
SMW
Here is the link to my new thread.
I Always Admired the Cut of His JibI figured I better get it up before the mods shut this one down.
SMW