Hey everyone. Heres the old one for anyone who wants to look!
NFC!Well, its late Sunday. I havent heard from him since Thursday now. Thats the first weekend since that first in February when he was first back in touch that I havent heard from him all weekend. I wonder what he's up to. I dont know. I've had a really hard couple of days, crying on and off, huge sobs, like I have gone back 4 months in how I feel. Its a lovely sunny day here and I feel really low, shattered. I guess it looks like whatever he was doing, hovering near me, he has decided to not do that anymore and its over, over.
Cant really think of anything positive to say about this, just wanted to vent here that I feel sad and low and hurt. Its like he's left me twice, which is ridiculous. Shouldnt have got my hopes up when he was so caring when I was ill...
I'm really really tempted to text him to be put out of my misery, but I guess you would all say dont.
Ali x
_______________
Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years
IDLYA: 2 Nov 07
Own flat: 26 Jan 08
Depression confirmed: 4 Mar
6 months on
((((((((((Ali))))))))))
Yeah, don't text him. I still think he is working things through his head. Leave him alone for a bit. Take a little walk, get some air. It's OK, Ali.
Ali mou,
cry your eyes out if you feel like it. Tears are going to dry, eventually. And then you will need to do something else. What would that be?
I am still waiting to see a pic of your sculpture!!
Love
K
Oh, don't text him. You have kept quiet for so long, don't spoil all your efforts now.
Its not really ok though, is it? But thanks Jeff!! Like Lisa said, you are such a good friend, (nearly spelt fiend then! Thats not what you are!) you're always there when I need you. The internet is a wondorous thing. Ok, so dont text him, suffer the agony of NC, of not knowing, just go with it. He may be thinking..he may just be getting drunk! He may have met someone, he may have driven back home to see the cougar and doesnt want to tell me..
Who knows. I am thinking that when I do see him next, I may finally ask him something personal. As I havent done since December, or do a Kalni, tell him I love him, want him back, but I cant go on like this. I was planning to try and say something like that Monday, but its looking like I may not get the chance. Although I hadnt worked out what to say. I was decided to try though, because I will never know otherwise. My weekly stars seem to concur!:
..you haven't expressed your views or joined in making plans. Now, with Monday's New Moon accenting exactly such matters, you must. Say nothing and others will assume you don't care, which is not the case. While things remain loose until later this month, get involved now and you'll not only be there as each new development arises - in discussing options with others, you'll also be able to do a little repair work on certain ailing relationships.
my thinking exactly. Although you cant repair an R with someone who isnt even contacting you!?
Ali, I understand that you want to ask him things. I don't know that it is a good idea, but I understand. But, even if you decide you have to, wait for him to make contact. You know he will. But, are you really ready for any answer he might give to your questions? Really? Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. Just think about it.
Hey Kalni, lovely to hear from you as ever!
I cant believe how many tears I have shed over this man, more than any other. Its a well of emotion that so far just hasnt dried up. I dont know how to post a link to sculpture pisc! Maybe I will try and figure that out tonight. I have been working on some new stuff today. I am making banners or flags, with different creation stories (origins of man) from around the world/different religions printed on and hopefully embroidered.
Its hard to do this stuff, any stuff, to get up, go out, bike ride, shop, eat, work, go to college. I was debating caving in and going to the docs tommorow and I have no doubt he would say I am depressed and prescribe me ADs. I've been avoiding doing this, I didnt want to have to take anything, its just a personal choice. But maybe its not healthy to be feeling so bleak all the time and I cant feel any joy. And I am so thin!! I wondered if he had noticed, he hasnt said. Its not nice. I am down to 7 stone 3. I'm eating cake right now and I had a chocolate bar earlier for extra calories. The trouble with me is, when I am emotionally upset, the weight falls off. I hate being thin, I want to be an Amazonian voluptuous goddess! I want I want :-) Thats one thing I definetly cant have though (without the help of lard sandwiches and breat implants!!!)
My aunty phoned earlier, she's ACE. It helped to talk to her and made me feel a bit better. 25 years ago, she was 8 months pregnant with a S2 when she discovered her H was having an A and he left her. 6 months later he wanted to come back, but they never did reconcile. What happened to her has made her wise and compassionate and is far worse than whats happened to me, but she understands.
Hey Ali!!
That new project sounds incredible. I love the idea! Do you sell these things?
K
You think??? Thanks! I'm not sure it is "Fine Art", more decorative arts, but its art if I present it as such! I have the creation quote from the following religions: islam, christianity, hindu, maasai, aborigine, scientology and science. I've mocked them up in paper and today I bought the fabric. It turned out I've done 7 and I instinctively bought the 7 colours of the rainbow in bright shiny fabric. Feels like it will look great if I can pull it off! Theres an unused chapel in a Manor house near here, where rock stars go to dry out apparently. My teacher wants me to hang them there and photograph it.
No, I dont sell anything! I did another sculpture where I recovered 500 uniform size books in white paper and printed on the spines the names of 500 religions and arranged them like a tower (called it "Tower of Bibles") - was about the Tower of Babel story, that all the different religions scatter us and mean we cannot "understand" one another or speak the same language.
My xBF thought it was amazing when he saw it in Feb, really totally complimentary and of my chemical human idea. Wierd isnt it. He also said back then that I was v smart and smarter than him. He said at the bomb that I was the most beautiful person at his best mates wedding. He told me last summer I was funnier than all his friends GFs, that I was a good person, that he would never let anyone badmouth me, said he was grateful for everything I had done for him...
I will never ever understand why he left me.
Could it be he didn't feel worthy? Or he felt inferior? I'm NOT saying you made him feel that way, but could his own insecurities next to your awesomeness have gotten to him?
Sorry to get you guys back on track, Ali, everything you have told us about, sounds amazing. I am really into this kind of things where art is not just pure abstract things...
Please please, will you sell me one ?(after I see them of course)
K
Can you think about something with theme LOVE (pain, joy, and all emotions related to it?)
Well, yes, at the bomb he said he was weak and that he had lent on me too much! That he wanted to get his own place... I said it was like he was trying to prove something to himself, but he said, its not about that.
Do people really leave becuase they feel inadequate?? He also said he had more confidence whereas he'd had none before, that he had always said and done things that people wanted to hear (including me) becuase he wanted to be loved, that he never could be on his own before...
Perhaps he WAS contacting me for months to ease him into being alone, becuase he isnt very good with his own company and prefers to be out seeing people. I said I would know this weekend which way things will go, looks like its over, as I said, becuase he hasnt contacted me again today. I checked my calendar and this is the first time since after the NC in Jan that hes gone 3 days, and on a weekend, without contacting me at all. And its May now. So theres my answer.
Only if you want it to be.
Al- it's only over when you decide it's over, in the words of MWD.
I've been reading your thread but am not sure what to say..... There seems to be a lot of thinking about what went wrong happening, and not so much thinking about solutions (unless you are solution oriented off the boards and analysing everything on them?). T posted on your last thread about looking at things from a glass half-full perspective. Can you make a list (being analytical) of reasons why BF might not have contacted you this weekend that don't involve him thinking it's over? Or a list of reasons why he might not have been initiating so much contact recently (eg you've been contacting him and he is feeling under pressure. He DID tell you that he was calling you 'because you'd want to know' about something this week. That seems like he felt under some pressure to do so reading it here.....)
From a solution oriented perspective, you might summise that something you did didn't work. I don't know what it is (neck kisses, going arm in arm, initiating more contact yourself?), but you might. And, also according to the real DB Queen (MWD!), if something doesn't work, do something different. What would you do that's different? IMHO initiating contact would be more of the same....
I love the artwork ideas, BTW. 500 religions? I had NO IDEA there were so many!
There are loads more than 500, I just stopped there! I'm big into this subject, its got so much depth.
Lisa...it's only over when you decide it's over.. I'm not sure thats true in a sitch where someone has left you and made no move to reconcile 6 months later. I think at some point you have to have the courage to face the prospect that you are not going to get back together. It does happen. One person can decide its over and leave and it IS over. I did this to an ex (he had been consistently unfaithful I found out and I was done). But with my BF it feels senseless, as I feel that I was a good partner to him and whatver problems may have existed werent insurmountable. Guess its his own crap right!?
Reasons he may not have been in touch? He seemed to me, in his voice and demeanor last week to have turned a corner. So I am assuming he's not been in touch becuase he doesnt need to, or doesnt want to give me the wrong impression if hes decided to not come back.
I may have seemed to be getting too cosy with him, too familiar, last week at the comedy show and in the car, maybe what I felt was comfortable between us actually made him uncomfortable. I may have been making eyes at him and he realised I wanted him back and he freaked out. But, I was trying to show interest in him, but only by making eye contact. I tried to play it cool otherwise (I even told him my man at the party story). Maybe it was that?
Other reasons, he probably watched football and got drunk yesterday and played golf today, so was busy. He may have driven back home and not wanted to tell me, for whatever reason. He may be hungover from his leaving do Friday and a possible night out Saturday. None of these reasons prevent him from texting or calling, as he did last weekend and in fact every weekend since the beginning of Feb. I think I would be a bit delusional if I didnt interpret this sudden NC as a bleak sign?
Its interesting what you say about being solution oriented. What can I do? He's not engaging with me so much. Two short calls and no emails or suggestions to meet up since last week. And bearing in mind thats not been the pattern for a few months, so whereas contact was steadily increasing, its now tailed off.
I love that there is optimism in the replies to me, and I dont "know" yet, if this is the end of the line for us. But it was 6 months on Friday and he didnt call all weekend. Not good?
6 months is well below the average time to reconciliation (or even mention thereof), especially if MLC or depression are involved. I know because I reviewed every single success story on the board and calculated what it was.
Did you??? Wow! How long is it!? Do tell, I think that would help me get some perspective.
I suppose its not so much the timeframe as the feeling that something has altered...from no contact, to very gradually but consistently increasing contact, all those emails every day and visits... and then nothing all weekend. And its a bank holiday and lovely weather and well, its unprecedented. So it makes me think hes "done". Are there any examples in these success stories of men that crept forward and it looked like it was back on, then.. nothing again!?
Ali xxx
Whew!
A thread without wildlife! Or is that wild life?
Ali, listen to Lisa, I think she is saying some good stuff!
Now my advice for the day:
GAL GAL GAL GAL GAL GAL GAL
(((((((Ali)))))))
Dearest A,
I just sent you that article I mentioned on your last thread. Let me know what you think, it is all about ways to address depression without AD's... really powerful stuff!!
Darling ... the non-stop vigil is not working for you. It is not making you happy. If BF is making baby steps towards you it is in spite of the non-stop vigil, not because of the non-stop vigil. it is time to try something different.
You really, really, really, really need to focus on making yourself happy--not looking happy, acting happy, pretending to be happy, but actually, truly happy. If "happy" seems impossible right now (and I understand when that happens), how about "a little better". What could you do that would make you feel "a little better"?
What I see is that you are focusing on all the ways he is failing to meet your Extremely High Expectations. And that is just expanding. Every day, multiple observations of disappointment. I am not saying don't post these disappointed feelings, because we all have them and this is the place to share and support each other through that. Remember, what you focus on expands, right? now you are focusing on all the ways he isn't coming through for you, and that keeps getting bigger, bigger, bigger with every passing hour. It is time to shift your focus.
I am so excited to hear about your artwork! The banners sound beautiful. I really like it when you post about this stuff on your thread.
(((((ALI))))))
love,
T
OK... I just went back and read your reply to me. maybe we mean different things by half glass full.
1. I'm not saying that everything he is doing is perfect, just please focus on the positive trend of interaction. There are people on the board who have 1 % of the contact and 1 % of the encouragement towards friendship you are getting who are working on GAL and PMA with extreme determination.
2. The other thing is, maybe the quality of interactions has shifted. But that doesn't mean "it's over".
Maybe he has to move farther away from you before he can move closer. If so then you need to accept and support him on that journey.
please put this in your list of possibilities too. Remember what I wrote a while back about Jung, and how men have to find their own soul, in order to stop projecting it onto their beloved? What if that is what BF is doing right now? He might not be sitting on a mountaintop in deep meditation, but who knows what kind of processing is going on inside.
(((A))))
T
Remember what I wrote a while back about Jung, and how men have to find their own soul, in order to stop projecting it onto their beloved? What if that is what BF is doing right now? He might not be sitting on a mountaintop in deep meditation, but who knows what kind of processing is going on inside.
In totally different words, that's what I was trying to say. Right now it is ALL about him. He has to get through this part of his journey on his own, and that doesn't have anything to do with you, Ali!
((((((Ali))))))
Hi Jeff and T... you gave me real food for thought, thankyou so much. Its a case of perception, but then perception is reality right. Hence me being in tears on and off for 2 days!! I had bad dreams again, woke up at 4am, 5am, 7am having nightmares. I read what you said and decided to think..ok, hes busy. Its not great that he hasnt been in touch, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and think, hes been playing sport, watching sport and drinking, generally having a normal sociable bank holiday weekend home. Its not that remarkable, it may not mean anything (but it is a little selfish ? to not contact me to at least say hi, but hey ho). I had a long chat with my Mum this morning and she agreed with your posts (I read them out!) and that I should continue to wait and see. She also thought, contrary to advice that I should be a little braver, treat him as a mate, and text him. She said, you are best friends, you would text your other best friend on a bank holiday if you hadnt heard from her for days. I said, but Mum everyone says leave him alone!! She asked me what my heart said, I said, I wanted to text him today to be a friend, with no expectations other than he would tell me, yes hes having a nice weekend, playing golf or whatever.
So I did! And you know what? The most surreal thing happened. I havent heard from him since Thursday, I spent the last 2 days crying, I sat there agonising over whether to contact him, I decided to follow my inner voice, grabbed my phone and dashed off a text and got this STRAIGHT back:
Wierd!! I just took my phone out to text you !! I am in Newquay but heading back soon. Fancy doing something later?
Wierd?? Flippin super surreal. I'm astounded (gast flabbered T!). I'm in danger of saying something when I see him later. I replied that it sounded good, what time do you want to meet up? And havent heard back from him yet, so I'm guessing hes going to give me probs 10 mins notice!
I didnt point out the obvious (synchronisity) but only me and him and me and my best friend pick up the phone to text or call each other at the exact same moment (and each get the engaged tone its that exact!) like a sixth sense. There is some inexplicable bond between people you are especially connected to that makes that stuff happen. I hope he gets that on some level.
A,
I'm glad you had this experience of feeling connected. That is such a lovely feeling when that happens!!!
For a second when I was reading I thought your mom said that you should be "a little BEAVER" before I realized she said "BRAVER" not BEAVER!!!!
You really read the posts out...??!! Wow!!! You gotta know I have ali print outs on my desk too
Girl, I really think BF has got a lot of sh!t to figure out. Maybe you think you want him back right this instant but somewhere deep inside I think part of you knows that you want him back with his sh!t figured out. That is going to take place on his timeline, his plan, not your plan. You gotta give him space to figure his stuff out!!!
did you read the article I sent you yet?
(((((((((A)))))))))))))
T
Hi T ! I checked my email, but I didnt get one from you???
Guys, I just got in... we went for a cycle ride for 3 hours on a beautiful nature trail, blue sky, 20C here today, had ice creams, he said back at the cars "what you doing now then?" and I said, do you want to come back for coffee? and he jumped at it ! I started to feel more hopeful then...so we came in, he saw my artwork, loved it, made a fuss of the cat.. I said, do you want to go out somewhere? And again, he jumped at it, I suggested this nice bar I thought he would like and he went to his car to fetch his bag...and had bought a change of clothes for the evening with him !!!! Jeans and shoes and a top.. so I got changed into this new top on in turquoise
(ruching is good for the bust!) and we went to this great pub and sat overlooking the water, drinking guinness, later he suggested we go for a meal..so he took me for a lovely curry, our favourite restaurant.. the one we went to when we decided to move here, the one we took visitors to, went to on birthdays..for valentines.. so I was amazed he suggested it, so many memories...and we got on great!! There was no let up in teh conversation, it was as though we were back together, he even referred to a few past things and said "we" a few times...he was very caring, attentive.. insisted on buying the drinks and dinner (after spending 9 years going 50/50 with this guy!) and all in all, I was just astounded.
When he dropped me home, he said "I'm going to shoot straight off" and I said "OK!" all cheery and then he gave me a hug... and this time, it was different, it was more...real, emotional and he didnt let go for ages! So I kissed his neck and he seemed to like that and squeezed me and rubbed my arm and said "I'll call you, or you call me!" and I was so amazed again that I looked at him, took his face in my hands and ... he offered me his cheek to kiss!!!! So I kissed him on the cheek and he gave me a sweet look and I hopped out.
I totally, totally, didnt expect any of this today. The best I was hoping for was a text message telling me he'd had a nice weekend. Found out he hadnt been up to much, kind of on his own Saturday to Sunday evening when he went to Newquay for a night out - and then was about to text me from there today.
SO... I think me not contacting him all weekend was a GOOD thing, he must have missed me and after a few days he cracked and wanted to spend time with me. You guys are all genius. Next week he is flying to France Friday and is then working away Monday -THursday teatime, I was a bit disapponted, but I reckon it will be a good thing.. more time to miss me !!!!
Seriously, I am amazed at today and this evening. Oh and I did take the brave step when we were hugging of saying something (I was racking my brains, I knew I only had a few moments to think).. I said, "it was lovely to see you today you know" and then grabbed the back of his head, and he squeezed me and said something sweet (cant remember), so I ended up running my fingers through his hair for a bit and I could tell he liked that too. So all in all, it was a real proper embrace.. NOT the sort you give a friend. WOW!!!
I cant believe I can have been so convinced it was over and then he goes and totally surprises me. I will remember next time and try not to panic, I promise!! Thankyou everyone who helped me through the last few days, I had a very hard time (he has no clue, I smiled constantly and felt happy) :-)
I think me not contacting him all weekend was a GOOD thing,
Ya think?
We didn't write the book, we just practiced it.
Glad it worked for you.
See! Quit worrying so much!
Don't overwhelm him now. I say you are not allowed to contact him until Wednesday!
(((Ali))) I am glad you had such a wonderful evening.
Ali,
I am happy for you. My son comlaints, wants me to go to bed with him (the only man that wants that) so I have to go.
Sounds like you had a terrific night. I am happy for you (I said that).
Sweet dreams!!
K
Love the top Ali! Sounds like you had a great night. I'm going to be quoting this post to you if you ever get into a panic again!
L.
I was thinking the same thing OneDay! Ali, keep this post close by so you can refer to it if you have a down day wondering what BF is up to.
Ali
Well done, it sounds like an amazing afternoon/evening. I have been reading your story and you have come so far. The fact that you felt him REALLY hugging you is brilliant. I know what those fake, guilty hugs feel like and there is a real difference.
And he bought a change of clothes ready? And you went to a restaurant that reminds him of you two being a couple? This whole day was surely something you have been dreaming for all this time!! Well done as your hard work and efforts have obviously paid off.
So you were right about your stars and the new moon-where do you get your info from?? I follow Jonathan Cainer cos I like the sound of his voice! And where abouts in Cornwall are you, if you don't mind me asking? Me and H had a lovely holiday in St Merryn and Padstow last year!
Lea
xxx
Ali,
I've been away all weekend and I'm just now catching up. In any event, good for you w/ the BF and the embraces. That is excellent and I'm very happy for you. HOWEVER, don't get too excited. When this has occured in the past, you've been more accessible to him and he's recoiled. You need to hold tight again. It is difficult to not contact him and I know it makes you blue, but you have witnessed for yourself what it can do.
Now, you have to continue to practice and whenever you have the urge to contact him, STOP and don't do it. Your distance is what spurs him to action and your attention is what causes him to w/draw. Thus, stay on the course, but to keep yourself sane, you need to do what the others have told you and search for solutions rather than reasons for the breakup and find yourself ways to stay as busy as possible.
You wrote the following:
He may be thinking..he may just be getting drunk! He may have met someone, he may have driven back home to see the cougar and doesnt want to tell me..
The answer to all of the above is maybe. The key is there is ZERO you can do about this, so you can't get caught up in thinking and obsessing about it. You have to allow yourself to let this part go and to accept that he will do what he wants to do on his time and also accept that you may not like the outcome of his decisions.
You can only control you. Work on that part and the rest will take care of itself. You have to trust and believe in this. You trusted before -- even though it almost killed you to stay away, right?:) -- now you have to trust again. You will be fine. You will be fine.
Be patient. Be consistent and GAL! Your sitch is going well, but remember to hang back and allow it to happen. I wish we could all speed our sitches up, but of course we can't.
I'm glad I'm up to speed. I'll talk to you later.
RTL
Great to hear this ali!!!!!! Good job!!!
Hey T, sorry for the hijack Ali, can you post the link to that article here real quick? I'd love to take a look at it as well. Not just for me, but also my H (although figuring out how to bring it up with him will be a whole other issue lol).
Hey guys!!! Hi Lea, I wanted to post to you today, I was thinking you have so much of a similiar sitch and your H is clearly in crisis right now, with his history and the depression. I ran out of time, but I will! I totally forgot I said I would know by the end of the weekend as Saturn was going forwards and your right, it was the New Moon today! It was all about speaking up for me, which is why I was going to, and I did manage to say it was lovely to see him (which I hope makes him realise I am still waiting and love him, wothout putting him under pressure by saying that!). I am an astrologer and look at mine and his charts regulalry (so I knew that the New Moon was falling in my house of communication, hence wanting to speak up). Are either you or your H Leo or Pisces? Just wondered.
Hey RTL, Dar, Lisa, T and Michelle! Gosh, what a day. I am now stupidly pleased.. he did something we havent done for 6 months, HE TOOK ME OUT FOR DINNER!!! And invited me to call him!! I instantly thought.. WTF, no way, its not safe to call you! I called you last Wednesday and you sounded a little surprised and then barely contacted me for 4 days! But, he said it so maybe its time to engage with him a little more and not make him do all the running?? I am looking forward to him going away Friday!!! I will get a rest from all of this, I'll be able to eat, sleep and get on with my college work for a week (final assesment the week after).
Things really can change on a sixpence in these sitches...
Ali xxx
Strike a balance. Give him some space. You can call him on Wednesday. Would you call someone you just went out with (like a first date) the next day? I hope not lol.
Be patient or you'll scare him back into his hole.
Hopefully the new moon brings lots of good things.
Hi Michelle!!
Ha!! Remember my story? The last BF before him, I MOVED IN the day after our first date and lived with him for 2 3/4 years. Big mistake, I wouldnt advise it, but the date
had gone well ! :-)
Seriously, we were introduced on Saturday, it was love at first sight - he invited me for dinner Sunday night, I was dead nervous and got all dressed up.. but he made me fried eggs, chips and a cup of tea!!! It was so relaxed and normal and like we'd known each other forever, it wasnt this big deal dinner thing...and um he was also fantastic in bed
, which kind of swung it, so I moved in on the Monday!
But hey, maybe I wont phone till Wednesday! Older and wiser :-)
Great analogy by Michelle about treating this like a 1st date. I think you wait until Wednesday as well. He may contact you before then, but don't be so eager.
Remember, the unfortunate thing is while this is moving in the right direction for you, you are still a long way from being out of the woods. Thus, for now, I'd echo Michelle and say stay patient and lay back until Wednesday.
That should be your contact day.
However, I do want to say I'm so happy for you as this is taking a very encouraging turn for your sitch. Keep it up and stay patient. Don't get too far out in front of him. Remember, he has a history of withdrawing if you move too quickly.
Wonderful news. Keep it up.
RTL
...everything but dinner sounded great.
You see what no contact can do.
And you have seen what contact can do.
Pick your weapon.
((((((Ali))))))
I'd be the last person to say I told you so, but......
I told you so...
There I saved you Dry. I'm the last one now.
:roll:
These WAS are so perverse arent they??? Really odd. I know I was spinning these past few days and felt horrible, but it felt like he was sending me a deliberate message to me by not contacting me on a weekend like he has been doing for 3 months, and the first summery one at that. Turns out I was wrong!!
It was hard to not contact him, you are right RTL, and Jack, yes, I was determined not to until today. Because of the new moon and speaking up stuff, I felt it was the right time to reach out to him and how freaky that he had got his phone in hand to text me when he received mine? So my instincts were right.
Tommorow there could be news on this job I said to him and he said he may hear about the offer on his dads house, so there may be some email contact tommorow from him, but if not, I WONT PANIC !! I will wait to Wednesday to contact him.
Hi Jeff! Are you all recovered now!?? You poor thing, I hope your heart can take it you know. I know, I know, I'm an idiot, you were right, they dont call you Wise Jeff for nothing you know (actually, noone does call you that, I'm gonna start doing so!!)
Ali x
Perhaps, but how cool would it have been if he had contacted you first?
Let him prove himself to you.
Oh I know! I thought that too, if only I had waited 2 minutes, his text would have arrived first. But maybe its ok to reach out now and then? Like when I invited him to the cinema, that went ok? And whenever I ask him to the house, or for dinner. But tonight he asked ME for dinner and dinner out ! MMmm, curry.
Ali x
...
Honestly?
You move very quickly. Not contacting him would be a 180 for you.
You were determined, right up until you decided to call. It went well for you this time.
If I could see the future I'd be a billionaire.
I think if you keep up the contact, if you don't stick to your guns about not calling him, then you're going to scare him away.
I'm with Jack on this one! This HAS to be on his terms, there is no other way. It's his issues that he has to get through. He is inching his way there, it seems, but on quick move on your part, and he'll scurry back into his hole, like a scared rabbit!
((((((Ali))))))
Ali,
I'm sorry you didn't get the article. I sent it to the email you emailed me from, the one for internet offers? If there is another email I should use maybe you could pass it to me through Jeff? I really want you to read this article...
so maybe its time to engage with him a little more and not make him do all the running??
Actually, I would interpret his behavior as "let him set the pace". Let him run away, baby step forward, sprint away, skip back to you, do a somersault in the opposite direction. Do you see what I'm saying?
I am looking forward to him going away Friday!!! I will get a rest from all of this, I'll be able to eat, sleep and get on with my college work for a week (final assesment the week after).
You can CHOOSE to take breaks from this even when he is still inside the country. It's up to you whether or not you are going to be exhausted by contact/waiting for contact. You can choose to eat, sleep, and get on with work even when he is still in the UK!!!!!!!
Are you still having trouble sleeping? I finally have been able to sleep just the past few weeks. I think I figured out how to switch my body back into "regular" mode. I didn't think it was possible since for the past 6 months it had been in "freak out" mode. Let me know... I have some tips for you if you need...
HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS
T
Ali,
I got to say I'm w/ Jack and Jeff. Let him come back to you and you stay away from chasing. I know you are eager b/c things are going so well, but don't let this lure you into a false sense of security.
If it isn't on his terms, I'm guessing it is back to the rabbit hole.
RTL
Hi Ali
I agree with all the above posts regarding let him contact you. I think thats another thing I have done wrong in my sitch. My H is a very independent person who values his own time, so now he's gone, me texting/ringing him is probably driving him away further.
Oh and by the way, I'm Sagittarian and H is Aquarian.
Hope you're enjoying the sunshine!
Lea
xx
Hi everyone, thanks for the pep talks! So I didnt contact him, and he didnt contact me... so I'm a bit unsure what to make of that. Before, we were pretty much in daily contact for a couple of months, but then he started calling every day.. the he didnt contact me for 3 whole days on the weekend which did surprise me, even though he was just home by himself (guess he wanted to hang out alone, VERY unlike him)...and then he spends all afternoon with me and takes me out to dinner!
I feel a bit wierd about it all. I've had a good day, very busy at college, nice chat with my best mate, pottery tonight where I went on the wheel for the first time for a couple of years and made a pot! (bit wibbly wobbly).. so I havent had much chance to think about him.. but it IS disappointing that he is no longer emailing me as he was.
Makes me wonder if my friend was right, he just wants to be mates, you've made it easy for him to be friends, he thinks you're over him as you smile and chat and dont tell him you were crying just the day before over him! He was at a lose end, so thats why he wanted to hang out, as he enjoys your company, but you are coming at it from two very different places.. your agenda is to get back with him, his is to just stay friends with an ex and maybe appease a bit of his guilt...
well, that was the crux of what she said. I didnt feel she has it quite right, but on the other hand, I'm not sure how I feel about him continuing to be so separate (I'm ram,bling now). Something Kalni said, about waiting long enough and whats the big decision all about, why cant we work on it together and I dont know, it struck a chord. It WAS great to see him yesterday, but that boundary was still firmly there, he didnt seem to "notice" me, seemed eyes were elsewhere, he checked his phone alot in front of me (apologised for being rude, but his focus wasnt enrirely on me therefore), he never flirts, compliments me, takes my hand or even kisses my cheek. Theres nothing to suggest he still fancies me, neverlone harbouring secret feelings that he just isnt ready to "go there" with yet.
Trying to give a balanced view, we DID get on great, as though we had never split up, he did take me out to dinner and gave me a big hug goodbye.. but then, silence. And hes away for a week from Friday (Thursday night?)
Captain ramble !
Ali xxx
1. If he can't get past some of his guilt, he won't ever be comfortable pursuing a romantic R with you, so I don't see a problem with that actually.
2-99. You GOT ON GREAT and he bought you dinner and gave you a huge hug.
Ali,
think of the nice evening you had together. Focus on that and just let some days pass quietly. See, when you are busy, your mind stays on track easier. Keep yourself busy as much as possible. Put all this energy of your mind in your sculptures, I bet you you 'll be creating unique staff...
Numb yourself out, try it for a couple of days...
Ali,
I'll echo Kalni in telling you to focus on those little positives you mentioned and try and go numb.
Remember if you lower the bar, he can easily step over it, so don't get over-anxious and start raising your expectations.
Keep it simple, focus on the positives, and enjoy working on things for you and you alone.
RTL
ALI
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES
ok... now I am going to write this backward on my forehead in magic marker so whenever I see myself in the mirror it will read, just for me, "FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES". Can you do the same? Then we can document it and it can be a TransAtlantic Art Performance!
PLEASE balance the good with the bad. Practice doing this on your own. For example: "BF did not do ___ BUT he did take me out to dinner AND PAY for the first time SINCE WE MET" . "BF did not do ___ but he did CONTACT ME and ask me to do something romantic". You see what I'm sayin?
Also... I don't think it helps to be hashing over speculatively with people who don't get what we're doing. It seems like there are a lot of people in your life who are willing to feed your doubts. Why ask them for help? You are already feeding your own doubts and we are busting our tails to try to feed your hopes. Do you see what I'm saying?
I am so excited to hear about pottery!! Yay for wobbles!!! Wobbling comes before the smooth execution..!!
Did you read that article yet?
((((((ALI)))))))
T
Hey everyone! Thank you, I know you are trying to keep my end up, as they say. BUT...contact has tailed off. What do I make of that? We were in daily contact for a couple of months. It is not fair to be worried??? I dont know if he needs me to say something, maybe he sees reconciliation as this huge deal, if he moves towards me, I will expect him to move right back in with me, or something (I wouldnt). Maybe I need him to know it can be as tentative as he likes?
Also, in my defence (!) I have rarely contacted him first. Remember the whole month of NC? I didnt crack, then he emailed, phoned, got his stuff and moved into his flat end Jan and then I still didnt contact him. Then he started texting, and inviting himself over. Ok, so I responded each time he contacted me, but I never initiated, until March. Then I only have very occassionally (like last Wednesday I phoned and the week before I texted) but 90% of the contact has been driven by him all along.
So, he takes me to dinner..then doesnt contact me again for a couple of days. And hes away at the end of this week for a week. I struggle to see this new phase as positive, going from daily contact more or less by email or, texts when he is out and about, so thikning of me, to this - not regular contact. I cant know why he has behaved the way he has for months, but there seems to have been some shift again. I dont get how you think I should be positive about it, like I say, hes never said anything, or made a move, or flirted, or ANYTHING. I'm glad he is still keeping me in his life, but its very very arms length.
Its just disappointing that he is putting up more barriers, whereas before I pretty much knew what he got up to day to day, now with not regular contact, I am losing a handle on his life and it feels to me like we are drifting further apart. I am busy, I can cope alone, I am paying the bills, I'm getting used to life without him, I can hardly remember what it feels like to wake up together. I guess all this is true for him too.
I've booked a hair appointment for tommorow, so I will look a bit foxier, in case I get to see him the night before he goes away (not expecting, just being prepared just in case!). I did ask him for a duvet back he has, so he has an "excuse" to come over if he needs one.
Thanks Kalni, I am stupidly busy! Working hard at college. Being busy and going numb doesnt work too well, I dont know if you are the same, but I can do/think about 10 things at once. In fact, that is my normal state! So even if I am doing one thing, or two, I am still thiking. Also, I have Uranus (planet of crazy) on my Mercury (the mind) right now, and yep, I feel like my head is a whirling dervish! Good for creativity but also, had to switch off mentally. Its only once every 84 years though, thank god! Its the best time to be having a creativity spurt, but it is also making me "crazy" and over thinking stuff, I cant help it.
Thanks for your kind words about my banners! I have been preparing them today (will be sewing all weekend!). You didnt really want to buy one did you!? I am touched you like the idea. I've been making giant dice today, with different religious symbols on each face...because the religion we adopt (or not) is dependent on the culture and family we are born into and is therefore, an accident of birth. Chance.
Thanks for your kind words about my banners! I have been preparing them today (will be sewing all weekend!). You didnt really want to buy one did you!? I am touched you like the idea. I've been making giant dice today, with different religious symbols on each face...because the religion we adopt (or not) is dependent on the culture and family we are born into and is therefore, an accident of birth. Chance.
That's great! I often think I was lucky to be born here and not somewhere where people die of hunger or women are treated as second class citizens...
I am an "overthinker" too. But I am getting better. Going over the same things again & again didn't help me much in the past. So now I TRY to snap out of it when it happens. We can only do so much... Things will happen no matter what we do and actually things will happen they way they should. I know it sounds a bit pathetic, but I do believe so.
Take care of YOU.
K
(((Ali)))
I am also an ace multi-tasker and staying focused is hard for me. Perhaps I have ADD/ADHD, who knows. At any rate, I know that exercise is the best thing for calming my mind down.
I am glad your projects are coming along. They sound fantastic! You should upload pictures of them to a website and post links here so we can rave over them.
Good job on not contacting him. Let him set the pace - it has been working for your so far!
Hi Ali,
I'm glad you had such a nice time with BF.. going out for dinner.. spending time... and he treated.. sounds great!!!! (I'm only going to focus on the positives in hopes that you'll follow suit).
Can't wait to hear about your new hairdo!!! Are you getting colour too?
Hugs,
W2G
Hi there! Yes was going to dye it red later tonight and cut tommorow!
I know everyone is saying, look at the positives. But, he is not contacting me day to day anymore. It started a few weeks ago and its now a reality. I feel cross about it, I dont know why he was so much in touch before and now he isnt, but I can only assume he doesnt need to contact me anymore like he did. I agree with T - I dont invite negative comments from friends, generally everyone is very supportive, but everyone is saying, well, he has backed off for some reason. Maybe he has "decided" but not told me (and why would he? We havent had a convo about our R since 22nd Dec, as far as he is concerned, I am over him).
I emailed him today (I know, I know, but I am getting to the end of my tether guys, he picks me up and drops me whenever he feels like it for 3 months) it was short, friendly..hope you're ok, I've been doing x, was wondering if you'd heard yet about the offer on the house...
and he didnt reply! He does normally, or text. Nothing, no phonecall so far.
I feel like he's put me through hell and I've been a pretty good DBer, all things considered, but whereas before I was getting crumbs, it feels like the crumbs are fewer and farer between now.
I still love him, but it feels like he is hurting me all over again by withdrawing from me. I want it to stop, its been since last June/July he started to withdraw and I am tired of feeling that I am "not good enough".
Seriously, I know none of us know whats in his head, why hes behaved in any ways he has done, but the fact he is no longer contacting me as he was, no emails, no texts, that cant be a good sign, surely??? At what point do we face up to the fact these guys are not coming back? I think I lost my sense of humour!
When he dropped me home, he said "I'm going to shoot straight off" and I said "OK!" all cheery and then he gave me a hug... and this time, it was different, it was more...real, emotional and he didnt let go for ages! So I kissed his neck and he seemed to like that and squeezed me and rubbed my arm and said "I'll call you, or you call me!" and I was so amazed again that I looked at him, took his face in my hands and ... he offered me his cheek to kiss!!!! So I kissed him on the cheek and he gave me a sweet look and I hopped out.
I totally, totally, didnt expect any of this today. The best I was hoping for was a text message telling me he'd had a nice weekend. Found out he hadnt been up to much, kind of on his own Saturday to Sunday evening when he went to Newquay for a night out - and then was about to text me from there today.
SO... I think me not contacting him all weekend was a GOOD thing, he must have missed me and after a few days he cracked and wanted to spend time with me. You guys are all genius. Next week he is flying to France Friday and is then working away Monday -THursday teatime, I was a bit disapponted, but I reckon it will be a good thing.. more time to miss me !!!!
Seriously, I am amazed at today and this evening. Oh and I did take the brave step when we were hugging of saying something (I was racking my brains, I knew I only had a few moments to think).. I said, "it was lovely to see you today you know" and then grabbed the back of his head, and he squeezed me and said something sweet (cant remember), so I ended up running my fingers through his hair for a bit and I could tell he liked that too. So all in all, it was a real proper embrace.. NOT the sort you give a friend. WOW!!!
I cant believe I can have been so convinced it was over and then he goes and totally surprises me. I will remember next time and try not to panic, I promise!! Thankyou everyone who helped me through the last few days, I had a very hard time (he has no clue, I smiled constantly and felt happy) :-)
That was 2 days ago.
I know that during this time feels amazing distorted, but that was 2 days ago.
Not 2 weeks ago, not 2 months ago...2 days.
2 days Ali.
Do you know what bootstraps are? Are you familar with the phrase pull yourself up by your bootstraps?
What are some British phrases/sayings to tell people life sucks keep going? Thin Red Line?
Hi Jack,
I know and I was expecting 4x4s. I've put such an effort in, I havent said a WORD to him for 4 months. Just taken whatever he's chosen to throw at me. He reels me in, then vanishes again.
But as I keep explaining, its not the fact there is a three day gap at the weekend, or a 2 day gap now, its the fact there IS a gap !!! Somethings changed, thats why I am not ok with it. We were in daily contact for a couple of months, even if it was just a short text message. For about 6 weeks he was emailing several times a day. He went through a phase of phoning every day.. then something changed that week he went home alone. Ever since then, he has been backing off. Now he doesnt contact me very often, once or twice a week. He ignores the odd text or email from me. So its different now. And its less contact, not more!
Theres no real communication of any kind between us. I was very pleased (relieved) to see him Monday, but then, no contact again for a few days. I just dont see how that can be viewed in any kind of positive light?!
Seriously, how do you pull yourself up and keep going when someone continually lets you down, hurts you and makes you feel like a second class citizen? He wont even tell me his address. Ok, he had depression, but he seems capable of getting on with all other areas of his life succesfully. Its all about choices isnt it.
He hasnt met anyone else for 6 months, but he is going back home for a few days and the way things are between us, I feel that I am losing sight of how he spends its time and that makes me feel afraid.
Tommorow is the last day he could see me (to give me the duvet but also, just to see me) before he goes away for a week. The last time he went away for a week (skiing) he did come over on the Thursday evening, to pick up a suitcase, but he stayed till 11pm, so it felt like he wanted to spend time with me before going away and I made him dinner. I would like to see him.
It will be interesting to see if he emails or calls tomorrow.
Somehow, seeing how things have been lately, I'm not sure he will. I dont know of course and I could be surprised as I was on Monday. I just really miss him and it does feel lately like hes left me all over again, which is daft, but it does.
Where is everyone tonight? I have red hair dye running down my cheeks...!
Ali x
Quit comparing it to before. And quit expecting him to act the same.
No expectations.
Let him surprise you.
Thanks Michelle. Its so hard to keep going, but then giving up doesnt feel like an option either. I wish I could wake up and not love him anymore, I really do! Do you ever think that?
Ali x
There are a lot of times I think it would have been easier if he had just died. At least I'd have some closure.
I had people say the same thing to me, including my C. If they die in some ways its easier, everyone rallies round with sympathy, noone expects you to "move on" weeks later (or even 6 months!!) and you do get a finality and dont have to live with the constant uncertainty. Of course, uncertainty is a choice, I choose to keep hope and love alive. If I didnt care anymore, I would view it for what it is - over (unless one day he showed up at my door declaring hes made a terrible mistake).
Well there is your reason then Ali. Your choice.
You really need to find some way to occupy your brain in your downtime moments.
I am occupied Jack! I have been working on my dice artwork all evening and dyeing my hair in between posting. I cant "switch off" though mentally. I'm looking forward to him going away, it will give me a rest.
It feels like hes put me through a lot, and yet I was a good partner to him. I supported him through a lot of big life stuff, he even said how grateful he was at the bomb. Its not fair !! *stamps foot* :-)
Talking of turning ones brain off.. I had a thought earlier that I didnt like... he didnt call me all weekend, which was a first, when I asked him what he did Saturday night, he said pottered about and hoovered his car. Later, in his car, we were laughing about it still being messy and I said, and to think you spent Saturday night hoovering!.. he said "I didnt hoover it Saturday night, it was the afternoon!" ...also, when we were together, he kept checking his phone and seemed a bit guilty about this. In all the times I've spent with him since February, he has NEVER checked his phone in my company. I didnt see it for months, it was only recently he started getting it out to show me funny text messages. Also, he was making a big fuss about why he was staying away for longer, he two or three times explained about not wanting to drive home Monday and back up for a meeting Thursday, so was going to stay away all week. He seemed nervous about this, and also, nervous and over explaining when he admitted a friend had bought him a ticket for Glastonbury (I told him a week ago there were still tickets and he pulled a face and said it sounded awful this year).. he two or three times told me that story, how he was so drunk and agreed to go with this guy.. there was something odd about the way he was telling me, he was awkward and over explaining, I can tell when hes not being natural. I wasnt sure how to react, and was a bit tongue tied and he asked me "are you p*ssed off I'm going?", which seemed an odd question (we're not together anymore, you can do what you like!!)
I have a funny feeling about these things combined, I'm wondering if hes met someone...
time will tell ! Hair very dark..looking forward to my mop chop tommorow :-)
Ali x
Hi Ali
I havent got much good advice I'm afraid, only that I sympathise with your situation. I think it comes down to you deciding how long you can carry on like this without it driving you mad!
Perhaps wait and see how you feel when he gets back from being away? What do your stars say??
Lea
xxx
Hi Lea ! Its already driving me mad! And my stars concur, I have Uranus on my Mercury and I do feel like my head is exploding (see Jack, cant switch off!). I had high hopes months ago astrologically for 9 May.. I have various things going on with my North Node, true destiny.. but he will be away now on the weekend, so I wont see him. I also had hopes for the New Moon as a turning point and I was encouraged he came over and took me out. But.. Purr said it well on his thread, what we interpret as something meaningful so often turns out to not be. He spent time with his W and they got on great, it was comfortable, but there was no intimacy in their interaction. This is the word I should have used for Monday, there was no intimacy, or intimate moments, apart from the hug goodbye..but is that just affection?
My BF conceals stuff though, beyond ridiculously, so its in his nature to not be open and honest about his intentions,he often does things for the wrong reasons too (self confessed people-pleaser and not happy about it). I've been doing ALOT of thinking tonight. I think it could be time to admit defeat...
Thanks for stopping by! Shame we are all in this same leaky boat.
Ali x
((((((Ali))))))
OK, I have been thinking, a little, anyway. I'm not sure I really like this plan, but maybe it is getting close to time for you to have an R talk. Just to ask him if he ever sees a chance that he would come back. But, think carefully. Do you want to know the answer? Because I don't think he has decided, but if you ask him, and he hasn't decided, he is going to say no. I think if he had really decided he would be looking to cut the financial ties, and he hasn't done that. Do you have the patience to keep going? I think I would give his meds and C a bit more time. But you can call time, whenever you want to!
Hi Ali,
Sorry I haven't been posting as much. I'm reading your thread but I'm overwhelmed right now since it appears my sitch is now over. But I wanted to post and say that if you are to go the route of R. talk, it may be possible to do so without asking a point blank question. Maybe a way to gently introduce or check in about where things are at is an idea. That way he doesn't feel as "pinned down" to define things. It could still be very unclear at the end, but it is an incremental step forward and may yield some good information.
I am sorry for not having posted on your and others threads like I have been. I'm just super messed up right now.
Purr
Ali,
You asked:
contact has tailed off. What do I make of that?
The answer is NOTHING!
Remember, NO EXPECTATIONS and FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES.
Finally, if you think you should have a little R talk, then go ahead. The thing that scares me w/ this is I'm afraid you will try to solve your relationship for good in one discussion and then be either crushed or overanalyze it if it doesn't meet your expectations.
I would advise you to NOT have the relationship talk until you can honestly not have any expectations on BF. I'm not sure you are in that place right now. However, I've been wrong before (according to my W, it happened daily or even multiple times each day), so take what I type for what it's worth -- either food for thought or mindless chatter.
Either way, I'm here in your corner and will keep looking out to see how you are doing.
Try not to worry. Let time tick. Everything will work for all of us in time. All we have to do is allow it to happen.
RTL
Hi guys... Purr, bless you for responding. I thought of you when I got up this morning! I hope you are ok, I see Kalni agreed too, so us woman feel that this aint over till the fat lady sings, I know its sooo tough though. I'm at the near end of my tether already and I havent had an R talk like you have.
Jeff, do you think??? I wish I had been brave another to speak up the Sunday he was here for roast dinner, or in the car driving home (hmm, not good location!), or Monday. It just never seems the right time, I guess he doesnt invite personal conversation and I am operating from a position of fear with him.
I've just been reading an interesting article about fear and how to not let it rule us and the antidote is to behave with Courage! So I guess that would mean speaking up to him.
Anyway, hi RTL ! I've been following your sitch, as ever, wow, its all been such a hard road for you. I admire your strength of character !! I'm a wibbly wobbly mess compared to you.
Well, just had some GREAT news! I'm excited (and nervous!).. rang the recruiter for that Java programmer job, turns out the other 6 or 7 people that applied were no good, so... she has only forwarded my CV to the company!!!!! I was thrilled! She said she told them I was an excellent candidate and the right person for the job...The company have been filling 2 other roles last week and this and will get around to the vacacny I applied for next. Maybe end of this week or next. Thats great odds! 1 out of 1 chance of getting it!!?
I tried to find out if there would be a technical element to the intereview, because I would fail that right now. I havent programmed for 18 months and have completely forgotton how to ! Not a clue! It would all come back though within a few weeks. I will have to revise for the interview, but I have college finals in a week or two, so cant focus on both at once. Fingers crossed it takes them a while to get around to my CV !
Wow.. a full time job about in programming, that would be sooo good for me. My BF reacted a little strangely when I told him, sort of mumbled and didnt really say/ask much about it. I wasnt sure how to interpret it. The job is 40 minutes from here in Newquay, party town central, where he is making some friends (well, not really, as he said they were all a bit laddy/chavvy).
Got to go do a bit of screen printing now! Thanks for your replies, so lovely to wake up to you all guys! (ok, I'd rather have woken up to my BF, but you'll do) :-)
...and I just got a call from Shelterbox.. disaster relief charity 1/2 hour from here, they need help as they have just sent the first plane loads of stuff to Burma and so far as of today they are the only UK aid agency allowed in...which is amazing. They are going to try and charter more planes if their aid does get through, they are waiting to hear..
If you want to donate heres the website
http://www.shelterbox.org/ at least you know your money will definetly get to the victims directly.
Heres the BBC announcement..
BBC
((((((Ali))))))
If it doesn't feel like the right time, maybe it isn't! Remember, you have to really be ready for the answer before you ask the question! Are you really sure?
I'll write more later, probably this afternoon. Night for you!
Ali,
Great to hear you have some new options for work coming through. It's kind of nice because no matter what happens in your R., it is something that you are creating that is uniquely "belonging" to you. Thanks also for your kind words of support on my thread.
Best,
Purr
Hi Purr, no problem! I feel for you. Yes, fingers crossed on the job!
Jeff.. please do.. I am at college at the mo.. I just checked my email and he STILL hasnt emailed me. Thats it now, he has gone silent (in between driving me home last Monday and seeing me this Monday, all I have had from him is two 10 min phone calls about his Dads house sale, thats all). I'm bitterly disappointed. He is away tommorow. I was hoping he would at least reply to my email of yesterday (about the house). Why is he ignoring me all of a sudden?? I guess hes backed off deliberately.
I'm thinking he may have met someone or have his eye on someone. As he made such an over-explanation of why he'd be back home for extra days, this Monday - Thursday (he's away at the weekend again, in France with mates)..I'm wondering if its someone at home. Even the cougar. I dont think its anyone down here, as he was on his own alot of the weekend (so he says). So, drifting back into NC, its not looking good is his Jeff?
Feel sad and hurt and strangely humiliated.
You cannot read his mind. He may not even know why he has backed off. He may just be going through an anti-social week. Don't jump to conclusions.
Focus on yourself.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
That programming job sounds very cool. You have so many things going for you!
((((((Ali))))))
Slow down, girl! I don't think he is doing ANYTHING deliberately. I would not be surprised if in his mind he just talked to you! And his trip may be occupying his mind.
I really don't think there is someone else, from what you've written. It just doesn't feel that way to me. Of course it is hard to tell from here, but that's what I think. I think the cougar likes being a cougar. I don't think your BF suits her long term. Don't worry about it!
Hi there...
Well, no email from him, no phonecall! Jeff, I was thinking too that its time for an R talk, but I can only assume he would say no change, not interested, because he hasnt behaved like a man who wants me back recently. Monday was a wierd one, but maybe he was trying to tell me something, see if I was ok? Other than that, I've had basically two short phonecalls in 2 weeks. I cant believe things have changed so quickly. Its his last evening before he goes away and hes not even called for a chat. I think this says it all really, and I can only assume its over over. I'm sorry to just keep posting saying the same thing but I find it impossible to see this in any positive light and anything other than what it is, not looking good.
I guess I'm in pain and reaching out to people to soothe me, but nothing works. The reality is he has stopped contacting me in the way he was since February and we got back in touch.
First, you are jumping to conclusions. You could have it SO backwards - maybe he is not contacting you because he thinks you do not want to have a R with him again and it hurts him to be around you and be reminded of what you had!
No assumptions. When you assume you make an a$$ out of U and Me.
It may be time to have a R talk. But do it with no expectations, be prepared for any answer. He could say "no, never" or "I've been waiting for you to say that" or anything in between.
What was different about Feb and now?
It seems, like you are reaching out alot Ali, and you're expecting him to do the same.
You can only control yourself, but your not doing that, you're getting yourself all upset, you're turning shadows into monsters. You are cycling toward giving up.
See you're place in this.
Control yourself.
Hi Jack...
Well, I decided to follow my voice again, and not take your advice literally (sorry!) but we have finances to discuss as two of our mortgages bounced today...I phoned him at home and it was engaged, so went and made my dinner..then tried again and I got him and he was really sweet and pleased to hear from me! And do you know what he said? He said he tried calling me earlier, at 8pm, but it was engaged... WIERD.
So, we talked for an hour and 10 minutes. A tiny bit about finances (was awkward, he asked me to pay half the shortfall, which I cant afford, becuase he has decided to sell his dads, for which I assume he will keep the money from the sale of the house, its complicated, but I cant afford another £150 a month. I didnt say so though, just said ok.)
We had a very nice conversation, really relaxed and as friends. He didnt want to get off the phone and kept the conversation going.. he also made a point of apologising (as it was me that had called him) that he DID try and call me earlier, but it was engaged. We had such a relaxed conversation, it struck me that he really may not be aware at this stage that I am still in love with him and want him back, he may well be very surprised.
Things of note! He referred to alot of things about himself (past and present) to which I replied "I know" - becuase I do know, I have known him 12 years!!! He was fine about this. But that separatedness was still there, but he was very sweet and friendly, so no edge to it. He said he would call me "sometime next week I guess".. so I bravely suggested he let me know at least that he got back safe from his holdiay (flies back Monday). He said he would. He apologised for not replying to my email, said he was busy (but also told me about all the emails him and his mates had been exchanging, so he COULD have replied to mine, but I was cery pleased that he apologised, thats nice). He said some things about not being able to afford his Dads place in teh summer if he doesnt sell, and well, hard to explain but hes clearly not got any thoughts of us reuniting yet.
I'm glad I followed my instinct. Now I need to be brave and find a way to figure out how to make him understand I am still in love with him, but I dont want to pressure him into a decision yet. I honestly think at this stage he thinks we are just friends, becuase I have been doing such a good job of being his friend and nothing more and nothing said since December about us.
I seem to be in a place now where he is most definetly my friend and I am grateful and lucky to have that (so many peoples partners walk out and they never speak to them again - it happened to his mother!). But I dont want to be his friend. I want to marry him. So Houston, we have a problem. He is away for a week, so I have time to think about this..any ideas anyone !!??
Well, you have to be his friend first, so that is progress. And it is progress that you feel that solidly, and definitely. That is a change, I think.
He still seems to pull back after more intimate (like Monday) contact, so I don't think it is quite time to push him. Keep doing what you are doing, perhaps with a little less analysis
, for now, would be my advice. It think it is working!
Ali,
I think it is ok to discuss common items w/ him like the finances b/c they are of importance. I'll be sending my W information on the realtors and house repair estimates even though I'm trying to stay very dark. It is something we have to take care of, so it is ok to reach out. The same goes for you in your sitch. Don't worry about it if you were doing it to figure out the finances.
However, if you were calling w/ an expectation that he'd respond to you in some positive way, then you are deluding yourself and causing you undue stress and anxiety. If you remove the expectations, you are 100% in the clear. That is the only real rule for you to follow here.
Otherwise, keep trudging forward. Despite how it feels, your sitch completely reads as one that is seeing tremendous growth and progress.
RTL
Hi guys! I agree Jeff (like the dark glasses!) that it does seem we have a solid friendship, but then we always were best mates. I do believe he is my soulmate. He told me alot of things about his friends earlier and how they have let him down lately, and usual moans about his family, so I am most definetly his confidant too. Yes RTL - I DID approach the conversation with an attitude of what the hell, I cant go on with this constant uncertainty, I'm going to be normal, phone about the finances and wish him a good holiday. If he doesnt respond well, so be it.
...the most significant thing was, he explained ALL of his movements into next week, and hes not looking forward to being away. I was driving myself mad and everyone on my thread with this constant speculation and not knowing, so I just made the decision before I called to be natural and ask direct questions, as I would my friends (like how are you? How long you away for? What you up to? etc - normal conversation!!)
And it was fine, he seemed to enjoy talking, maybe noone else gives him the space to talk like that. So by asking a few direct questions I found out what he'll be doing, where he'll be staying and how he feels about that. Consequently this has put my mind at rest and I am not so concerned that he has met someone.. so ta da !! That worked well ! Open and honest communication !! Note to self.. must do more of this. I said the antidote to fear was to act with courage...
Now I just need to find a way to broach "us" but not yet. Not for another week at least! :-)
Feeling calmer. I'm glad I listened to my instincts and phoned him, like when I texted him. And both times, he was trying to contact me at the exact same time! Thats too wierd....
Ali xxx
Ali,
I've been reading and dwelling on what to tell you. You are doing it again. Aren't you tired of going through the same thoughts over and over? I've done that so many months before our S. He was at home acting funny, weird, distant, angry, then ML to me, planning summer vacations, planning on building a house together, then again mad, hated me, etc. etc.
I was walking on eggshells. Anything he was saying or doing was over analysed. I was jumping to conclusions, making decisions, trying again and again to figure out what he was thinking. It didn't do me ANY good. I was left with my heart broken and my mind messed up. I know you are not there anymore, you are not at the same sitch I was then, but you are acting and thinking the same way.
It's been a long time for you just as it has been for me and many others of our friends. It seems that you refuse to just "let go". Maybe you feel that if you let go, you actually give up but believe me that is NOT what I am suggesting.
Please try to detach your well being from his actions. Please try to focus on all the positives you have in your life including a supportive family and talent given from God.
You are one of the few people here that have moved forward, created a frienship and you are seeing many encouraging indications. Leave it at that and "look away". Let "them" be. Enjoy them as they happen but do not "build" on top of them.
Because right when you thing that things are progressing you are hit with reality that tells you, YOU CAN'T force the progress, you CAN'T force him. He may never want to come back. What would you do if that was the case? Really what would you do? DO IT now and let him come to you.
You have to stop thinking about it and have "chains of thoughts" that lead you to... nowhere. Use the DB experience, the tools, the support you get and the advice you get for wise people here and stop picking "dead ends".
So, coming to "now". He is withdrawing. We have heard of this happenning, we know what to expect. We wait. We try to keep negative thoughts away. We take care of ALI. We make ALI HAPPY. Relaxed, optimistic... That's all we are allowed and expected to do at the moment.
Love
K
Ali,
I've been reading and dwelling on what to tell you. You are doing it again. Aren't you tired of going through the same thoughts over and over?
Great post K. Ali- I was thinking the exact thing K said in the bit I've quoted here, and the rest of the post is GREAT too. Ali- print it, read it, read it again, and then read it once more. You can't MAKE BF understand that you are in love with him any more than you have already. What would most people think if their 'friend' was kissing them on the neck, clinging to them, and/or crying occassionally/being quiet when it came to time to part? Unless you have very unusual friends, it would show they have feelings for you and you would KNOW it.
So don't push. let go and try to be happy whether or not BF calls. I have a feeling that you are posting positively because you spoke to BF tonight, but during the week your mind will start working and you'll be down again thinking about giving up/that there isn't any progress/that small things are bad signs/that there's a pattern/that your emotions are telling you the right thing to do. Don't do it. PLEASE!!
Hi Kalni, you are right and I am very very slow to get there.
I had the same conversation with my auntie (the one whose H left when she was 8 months PG)... like you said He may never want to come back. What would you do if that was the case? Really what would you do? DO IT now and let him come to you.
and I honestly dont know. Would I be devastated? Yes but not nearly as much as I would have (was) last year, or a few months ago. I am alot stronger and I can see signs of hope now. Before, I think I said here (?) I thought I was depressed and could only see about a week or two in front of me.. but then, despite my ramblings here.. I am feeling more positive about my life. My college work has become a success, I got put forward for a fantastic job, I may have a potential buyer for my flat (fingers crossed) and my social life is very slowly picking up.
But how perceptive of you, as usual ! And thankyou for your wise words.. I am facing the reality that he may not want to come back. Yes we have a solid friendship, but that might be it for him (and yes, maybe in life its true, you move on, meet someone else then bam.. they work through their stuff and then they want you back, just when you no longer expect it/want it).
Letting go does feel like giving up to me. How do you let go but not stay tuned to it??? I'm not sure.
This has been a rollercoaster, and I have fared worse than lots of people here, I havent coped too well with the ups and downs of it. Relaxed and optimistic sounds perfect though... I am trying Kalni! I need to tune out the thoughts that I am "not good enough" for him and believe he left me for his own salvation...
Ali, get any thoughts that you are not good enough straight out of your pretty little head!
Listen to you aunt! She said it in so few words, and got it right!
And let's see how long you can post without using the word "but"! (even implied) as in he did this, but ...
(((((Ali)))))
Hi Lisa ! We are up late :-)
I have a feeling that you are posting positively because you spoke to BF tonight
I totally agree! And I could see it would be obvious to anyone reading. And honestly? I did feel relieved, massively. I got myself worked up with his backing off that there was an OW (which would be game over for me I'm afraid, but thats a personal choice)...so I was very worried. So I deciced to be more real with him on the phone, it was a long conversation and different to the previous phonecalls over the past few months. I was more myself, more direct.. so maybe I am stronger and less reliant on his reaction, becuase I felt that, I felt that I cant take much more of the uncertainty and I want to be more honest. So be it if he cant respond, or doesnt, but this time he did.
Its totally alien to me to hold my thoughts and feelings in, and he knows that. I have had to for his sake (as he wanted space and doesnt want to talk about it, else he would start an R talk). I'm not sure that he gets it that I am in love with him to be honest, although I dont really know as I havent asked him !!
Also, in talking about his friends, his problem was one didnt reply to his email (!) and wasnt being open and honest about whats bothering him (!!) and hadnt told my BF directly whether or not he could stay over (!!!?) and so, he just wished that his friend would say something and be honest with him !!! You see, he is emotionally aware and doesnt like his friend not being open with him and is hurt by his avoidance of stuff.. and there was me thinking.. UM.. HELLLLOOO ????
Ali.....
I don't think many women kiss guys on the neck if they are not interested in a romantic relationship. He knows.
Hi Jeff!
Its been a tough one! I never had such a crisis of confidence ever. Maybe its an age thing. Maybe perversley its because he didnt leave me for an OW, but to just be on his own. To leave me for nothing makes me feel strangely worthless. What, life with me was THAT bad you'd rather be alone than try and address any problems? But of course.. its not about me is it. Although, 6 months without sex... I'm coping, but for him, for a guy?? Wierd... And the neck?? I thought he realised its cos I am shorter than him and cant reach his cheek!?? Maybe you are right, it WOULD be odd to kiss my friend in the neck!
He knows for God's sake!!! He doesn't react to this knowledge because he doesn't know what to do with it YET!!! He plays dumb to gain some time, to figure out what he wants, to SEE you and understand what he feels about you. That is why it is VERY cruicial that during this time you need to be the best ALI you can be, and that is the HAPPY ALI!!!
K
Six months! HA! He's just getting warmed up!
Sorry! Couldn't help myself. I guess it applies to you, too! ((((((Ali))))))
I think he left because he didn't think he was good enough for you, not that you weren't good enough for him. Or course, he didn't give you a vote!
A kiss on the neck is a giveaway. If you kissed me on the neck (ok, dreaming there), I would KNOW something was up!
Kalni is right, he is watching you. I would add that I think he is also watching himself. He wants to be good enough. Make sure he knows he is. Compliments, and things like that. Not over the top, but enough for him to know he is appreciated!
I will be grinning like the cheshire cat if I get an interview for that job!!! It will be hugely positive for me. I even went shopping for interview shoes today, just in case. Saw a lovely hand made pair, made in Spain, £70 though!!
And some cheaper bright orangey red casual shoes.. which I am going to go treat myself to tommorow. Red for getting my fire back, and putting my best foot forward in...
Ha! My BFs stars for this weekend. How apt...
The future is waiting for you and it is beginning to get fed up hanging around. You may not be in a hurry to alter your situation, but destiny has a different idea. It thinks you are taking far too long to get where you have always claimed that you wanted to be. That's why it keeps creating dramas that seem to be disturbing the status quo. You see them as problems - but actually, they are invitations to wake up and recognise something important.
Well, Jonathon Cainer is always an optimist, so I will take that with a large pinch of salt !
Hey Jeff, I am glad you said that !!!
On Monday I was thinking of Lisa and her flirting techniques !(But, I am a skinny minnie, I couldnt so much cup my breasts as eggcup them, and I'm not sure he would notice me making the effort)..so.. I DID tell him his *rse looked good in his shorts...and I said "oohh.. you've got your calf muscles back" (from all the cycling) and he liked that comment! And when we went out for dinner, I told him he looked lovely in the outfit he'd changed into and he thanked me for the compliment !
So, was trying that (new thing). I need more ideas here though, as I havent flirted or dated since the last BF and that was 23 (14 years ago !!!!)
Ali xx
PS: My stars are equally prophetic...
We think we understand everything. We imagine that we know exactly what's going on. We develop carefully thought-through strategies. We create clear pictures in our mind's eye. Then suddenly, everything spins on a sixpence. All is turned upside down. The book of reality is rewritten in a new language. The flower of understanding is a wilted bloom. The seed of some fresh hope must be given a chance. Though things keep turning and changing, just allow yourself to be led by inspiration.
Ok Mr Cainer, whatever you say!
Hmmmm, you didn't flirt while you were together? This might be something to think about, perhaps.
Did he say anything about how you looked in your shorts on the bike?
Those are just the right kind of compliments. also, if he does something you appreciate, make sure he knows it!
I having a little trouble with the eggcup remark, I need to go get some air.....
Your stars, my stars...!! Let's see...
I was thinking that too Kalni, but I didnt like to say...
Jeff..he hasnt really paid me compliments since he left. He once launched into how smart I was and how much cleverer I was than him... dont know why. And I told him a story about my gorgeous friend fancied by all the guys, when I was 17 and said it was a classic case of "good looking friend, ugly mate" (joking) and he said "Oh, no, not at all Al, I wouldnt say that". So that would count I guess! Oh and I made a point of thanking him for taking me out for dinner tonight, and said how delicious it was and that I appreciated him settling the bill whilst I was in the loo (and made sure he knew I didnt disappear at that moment on purpose!!) he said he enjoyed it too.. so that was reassuring.
Eggcups, teacups.. whatever.. are you recovered now !!??
OK, so it is clear that he has some feeling of inferiority with you. Which may be why he doesn't compliment you, he is insecure about himself.
Any more psychanalysis goes beyond my training as an engineer! (in the American, rather than British, sense).
I think he did feel a bit like he had me on a pedestal and he was chasing this great catch (his words) and for some reason, either I slipped off it, or he got more confidence and raised himself up in his mind. Or both!
I thought he didnt compliment me becuase he didnt want to lead me on at all or give me any false hope (he is a very honourable guy which is why he would never touch me unless he wanted me back), like Kalni said, he cant do these things as that would signal a decision, which he doesnt know yet.
I don't think you slipped of the pedestal, or that his confidence increased. I think he convinced himslelf that he wasn't worthy. That he didn't deserve you.
darlin A,
Just checking in to see how you're doing. Some things I've been thinking about, along the same lines as Kalni.
One of the best things anyone told me, before I found DB and the BB, was from a friend of mine who said, "If he sees you and you're in a really good place, he'll want to be with you. You might not even need to plan anything, it could just happen." Since then, I have been working to put myself in a good place. That has taken many forms. Not to look like I'm in a good place, or act, or pretend, but to truly be in a good place. I think this applies to you too. What would you be doing differently, if you were working to put yourself into a good place? (instead of working yourself into a tailspin at every single event or nonevent from BF)?
Also, although I admit I find it somewhat confusing, I think you would really enjoy the bitch book. I think actually you might need to read it. Some quotes that I think are relevent to both our situations:
"a page from the male rulebook: It's a man's world so we are used to getting our way. But when a woman has her own way of doing things, she becomes very intriguing. Even though we seem a little confused when we don't get our way, we secretly respect it. Suddenly, we get to see things from a different perspective. And then we spend the rest of our time trying to figure out how we can fit into *her* spicy world."
"a page from the male rulebook: The definition of unforgettably sexy: A woman who can function on her own and take care of herself. She won't let me always have the upper hand. And, she can tell anyone to go jump in the lake whenever she feels like it."
I think it's really time for you to focus on your own spicy world, and show yourself that you can function on your own and take care of yourself. Your world is already very spicy, ali! Don't you forget it! The task right now is to make it as flavorful and delicious as possible.... *for you*.
Imagine, you are cooking the world's most exquisite curry ever. the mouthwatering aromas of turmeric and cumin waft from your windows in every direction. People walking on the beach will smell this amazing meal on the stove, and yearn to join you at the feast.
Truly... make your own feast, Ali. For you. For *you*.
I kind of get this feeling that BF won't be ready to come back, and you won't be ready for him to come back, until you really know, in the depths of your being, in the most core of cores, that you can be totally OK, happy, blissed out, ecstatic, on your own. Not just as an abstraction or philosophical stance, but because you are happy and blissed out on your own, and you know from experience that you can do it without him.
that's just my 2 cents!!!
((((A))))
T
Hi T ! Thanks for your help, as always! I havent checked your sitch yet, I must, to see what happened about the song!
Not to look like I'm in a good place, or act, or pretend, but to truly be in a good place...What would you be doing differently, if you were working to put yourself into a good place?
Well I am surviving in a place I had no old friends and no job when he left me. Everyone expected me to drop out of college and move home, but I didnt and 6 months later I am managing financially, I have made a couple of new friends, I got about 6 different jobs, I strated pottery, I went to find out about a tennis/squash club yesterday...emotionally its been a struggle, but I no longer cry over him...I'm proud of managing to stay at college though. He did a terrible thing to me, he walked out of my life on a sixpence.
Ahh, the Bitch book! I've heard so much about this!
"Even though we seem a little confused when we don't get our way, we secretly respect it. Suddenly, we get to see things from a different perspective. And then we spend the rest of our time trying to figure out how we can fit into *her* spicy world."
This was the problem in my R! I always did what I wanted! I was the strong one and he fitted in with me. It got ridiculous, I would say, what are YOUR dreams? We dont always have to be following mine. Why dont YOU make some decisions, why do I always have to be in charge !? And then he left me!
"A woman who can function on her own and take care of herself. She won't let me always have the upper hand"
Ditto. He wouldnt say he ever had the upper hand, but he does now! I guess thats why he left. I always took care of myself (he moved into my house in the early days, but I wouldnt let him for over a year.) I sorted out all our houses, the finances, the renovations. Now I havent said a word to him about jobs or money, I've just got on with it. He's been impressed apparently at how I've coped.
Maybe my R was like the bitch book in reverse, or maybe you can take it too far...be too confident, too strong, too much of a coper..then the man may feel weak or demasculated and leave you!!! My BF has always been weak and a people-pleaser and that predates our R, as he said to me.
I agree with you that he probably wont want to come back until I'm over him, becuase thats human nature!!!
I havent given enough hugs out lately, but I appreciate all your help everyone, just being "there", well, out there, seomewhere! I woke up feeling like my sense of humour may be returning !
I've mentioned it to Lisa's or T's thread I think. I am not sure I like the book. I understand it but it is too "b$tchy" for me. I can adapt the theory behind it but not the examples they are using...(it's not for us Ali, we are Drama Queens, Hard on the outside super soft inside).
I am glad you are feeling better today...
K
Hi Kalni! Ah, I'm glad you agree then, as I'm not sure it would help in my R either right now. But I'm willing to consider options!
Wow...my hair looks ace! I coloured it dark reddy brown, its v dark! And I got it cut, looks fab. I have one of my favourite outfits on and I'm off to college to do some screen printing.
Remember I said there was a guy in my year I thought fancied me? Well I caught him looking at me yesterday, but I'm not so sure he does as he is gorgeous !!! Tall, jet black hair, pale skin and high cheekbones and the palest green eyes I have ever seen, wierd, like opal (?). I decided.. I'm going to go see him in his studio today to say hi and see what hes working on.. hes always chatty when I see him. He was telling me last time about this yoga/standing meditation he does every day and drinking herbal tea, so although hes 20, 22 (dont know?) he is not a typical lad. Maybe he likes Cougars
I'm going to go flirt for fun ! (oh, uh-hmm, I meant, for practice for my BF)
Ali x
Hi Ali
You've been reading Cainer's horoscopes! I know what you mean about him being optimistic. This week he said something in my life that seems set in stone, isn't. I of course was hoping it meant me & H's sitch, but its Friday and if anything things are getting worse
Your new hair cut sounds great, I think changing something like that always makes you feel better about yourself.
Have fun practising your flirting!!
Lea
xxx
Ali,
girl I know what you mean. I may have unwittingly taken the strong and independent thing too far as well. (thus the confusion on my thread). have fun flirting with gorgeous art hottie!!!!!!! he sounds downright lickable!!!
(((A)))
T
I don't think you slipped of the pedestal, or that his confidence increased. I think he convinced himslelf that he wasn't worthy. That he didn't deserve you.
I concur! My H & I also seem to have this problem. I'm not sure how to address it honestly some days since I'm not going to let my life go to $h!t just so he can bail me out lol.
(((Ali))) Happy Friday!!!!
Have fun practicing your flirting.
Ali, I'm scanning the posts just to catch up but I have to tell you.... PLEEEEEASE don't be like me! PLEASE try to let go and all that good stuff now instead of 20 months later like I'm trying to do. It will only be harder on you.
I'm NOT saying give up at all b/c I see positives in your sitch. But PLEASE don't let BF's doing effect your mood/day like I let H's do to mine.
Ali,
In the flirting, perhaps you are reclaiming some of your space in a way. The space of seeing yourself and allowing yourself to be experienced as attractive by another. It doesn't mean anything one way or the other re: your BF, but it sounds like an interesting experience to try out for yourself.
Let us know how it goes!
Purr